POZ Community Forums
Meds, Mind, Body & Benefits => Mental Health & HIV => Topic started by: Peter6836 on January 04, 2009, 11:51:52 am
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Living this life is a difficult thing as Scott Peck said in his book The Road less Traveled. I am in a situation again that is difficult and I seem to always end up with clinical depression and health issues when these things happen. As many of you know I have gone through some pretty deep periods of depression in the last year. With med changes and a hopsitalization I was able to balance things out.
The problem is that things just keep happening that push me back. I was accepted for SSDI and a disability retirement and thought that things were moving on a good path. I returned to school and am working to get another degree so I can eventually return to work.
I have been working with my landlord to make payments on my rent until I recieve my benifits. SSDI will send the first check on January 14, my retirement benifits begin as of January 1 but they have not sent me any thing on the amount and the dates that I will recieve checks. I have discussed all of this with my leasing agent. She told me not to worry about it, "honey". Well yesterday taped to my door was a notice of eviction. I paid half of Decembers rent and she claims that I only paid November. I have a court date on the twelth of January and of course she is not in the office until Monday.
In the mean time I have broken out in hives. A precursor to a depressive episode or worse yet a manic episode. Too much Xanax and all I will do is sleep. I am trying to keep myself calm but I find myself sweating like crazy.
I need to vent and let all this anxiety out. I just keep seeing myself out on the street. I keep imagining all of my stuff on the street and no place for me to go. I know I am projecting, I spoke to one of the leasing agents and she said that they do not want to see me leave. I spoke to my daughters partner and he said he would forward me part of the rent to clear up December and part of January on Monday.
Still I cannot seem to relax. I do not want to get out of bed, I keep scratching and itching. I feel over drugged. This situation is triggering a deprression and I am not quite sure how to keep it from escalating.
It makes me upset I am not a stupid person, I just seem to keep getting into these situations that push me over the edge.
Peter
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I spoke to my daughters partner and he said he would forward me part of the rent to clear up December and part of January on Monday.
Still I cannot seem to relax. I do not want to get out of bed, I keep scratching and itching. I feel over drugged. This situation is triggering a deprression and I am not quite sure how to keep it from escalating.
It makes me upset I am not a stupid person, I just seem to keep getting into these situations that push me over the edge.
Peter
me over the edge.
Peter
1st of all they cannot throw you and your things into the street, if they took money form you, and, it takes almost 3 to 4 months before they can even evict you, so, your worrying and stress level over this isn't doing your health any good, so, my advice to you, would be to take whatever your daughters partner has to offer (you can alway pay him back after Jan 14th)..and one more thing, if your landlord takes any more money from you towards this over-due-rent balance, they CANNOT Legally evict you, and
if you do end-up-in court over this, make sure you have a reciept ( a record of what you paid them), a canceled check, a money order stub or something as proof of what you did pay them), and peter, I've been there before, so I know what I'm talking about , as I'm sure others will chime in, so, now you can relax, everything will work out ;D
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Thanks,
I guess I just want the reassurance that things will be ok. I do not have any one to really talk to that I trust. I really have to get out of this isolated situation that I have.
Guess I have quite a bit of a problem with my self image. I still feel quite tainted because of my HIV as well as uncertainty of my ability to make good decisions.
Having bi polar disease and having made some poor decisions in my life I am always just waiting for the next shoe to drop. I also have this i am not good enough to do things right opinion of myself. I wish I had more friends people in my life to talk to and make me feel reassured. I have to get over this.
Peter
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I wish I had more friends people in my life to talk to and make me feel reassured. I have to get over this.
Peter
Peter, your welcomed here in this forum, there are YEARS of experience with living & dealing with HIV/AIDS , I'm just one of MANY others who's been there, and done this before.... ;D
You may also want to check with your local ASO, the see what they can do, in most cases, they have a fund called HOPWA it pays up to $512 to $600 dollars toward your rent, (if you get a eviction notice) and have no-where else to go..........
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Peter,
I understand. I have depression and sometimes any problem can really, really get me down.
Do you have a receipt from when you paid 1/2 of December's rent? It sounds also that your daughter's boyfriend is willing to help you out, so that seems like that's situation solved. I really try not to project, just take what's right in front of me, 'cause when I project, that's when I get into trouble.
We're here.
Luv,
Betty
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Peter,
I understand. I have depression and sometimes any problem can really, really get me down.
Do you have a receipt from when you paid 1/2 of December's rent? It sounds also that your daughter's boyfriend is willing to help you out, so that seems like that's situation solved. I really try not to project, just take what's right in front of me, 'cause when I project, that's when I get into trouble.
We're here.
Luv,
Betty
Project away, everyone has a different take on most things, some of us here on this forum has been in this situation before, I know I have, I was homeless about 12 yrs. ago and had to live in my Truck, so, nothing wrong with that ;D
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Today, I am looking for support there is nothing I can do on a Sunday. I think that this is really opening my eyes to my support system or lack of it. I can only say certain things to my parents without retribution and being persecuted for my poor decisions. Getting HIV included. I wish I could find some people in my area that I could talk to and pass ideas by. Even someone to just sit down with a cup of coffee and talk to. This isolation is killing me and constantly adding to my depressive episodes.
Peter
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Peter, it is important to have support. Why don't you try contacting your ASO tomorrow and see what kind of support groups they have? Or maybe your therapist knows of some. You could meet other people, and strike up a few friendships.
Project away, everyone has a different take on most things, some of us here on this forum has been in this situation before, I know I have, I was homeless about 12 yrs. ago and had to live in my Truck, so, nothing wrong with that ;D
Peter, I'm sorry for this hijack. Denb, you have no clue what I'm talking about. What I mean about projecting is thinking too far ahead and only thinking of the worst. Life is more manageable day to day, instead of months ahead.
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Peter, it is important to have support. Why don't you try contacting your ASO tomorrow and see what kind of support groups they have? Or maybe your therapist knows of some. You could meet other people, and strike up a few friendships.
Peter, I'm sorry for this hijack. Denb, you have no clue what I'm talking about. What I mean about projecting is thinking too far ahead and only thinking of the worst. Life is more manageable day to day, instead of months ahead.
I guess not since, I don't suffer for depression, I have PTSD and that's a lot different than depression, but whatever ;D months ahead doesn't count, as it hasn't happened yet, but day to day is very manageable sounds like a workable plan ,good for you.......
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Peter,
I hear you and I care. Believe me when I tell you I know exactly the kinds of thoughts and feelings you are having, they torture me as well. Try to focus on now, getting through today and let tomorrow take care of itself. I am glad you are not totally isolating, that is the one thing that usually does me in and makes these "spells" worse for me. Keep talking.
Hugs.
Rex
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{{{{Peter}}}} Just want to wish you a Happy New Year. Try to seperate the depression and the issue at hand. I hope you can reach out and find help today. Be Well. Joe.
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I went and made arrangements with the leasing person today. She was not going to give me a printed copy, so I asked her for one and had her sign it as well. My daughters partner made a payment for me. So for today I am doing ok, or anyway ok as far as the leasing office goes. I am still going over things in my mind. Why did I not save more money, Why arent I still working, Why dont I manage things better, Why do I have HIV, Why dont I have someone that will help me on a daily basis (like a life partner)????
Guess I am shoulding on myself. Then I ask myself if I gave myself enough time to catch up......... I guess I am just really dealing with a lot of anxiety yet.
I wish that I did not have to deal with this. Honest when I am not in such a state I am actually quite an intelligent and level person. I even blame this disorder that I deal with on the fact that I have no partner. (Someone that I dated once added to his profile "no one with psychiatric hospitalizations need apply") All this makes me feel really ineffective in life. Now on disability I just want to do some job that I enjoy and be a productive member of society. I guess the first thing that I need to do is stop blaming myself for everything. I can do this, I know I can, thank you all for your help, do not go away I am going to keep needing your help, and the help of others to get where I want to be.
Peter
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Shoulda, coulda, woulda, all lead to dead ends. You are being a productive citizen by being enrolled in school and trying to improve your life. I believe you have too high of expectations on yourself. Just relax and take life as it comes, not as you "believe" it should be. You're a good person, and that's enough.
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Thanks Betty,
I can always count on you saying good things to cheer me up. I have gotten a PM that really helped my mind set. I am starting my classes today. I find that I over react to things really. I recieved a check today and expect one next week and the end of the month all of them good sized. It is my whole thought pattern that is out of line. You are right I am a good person, and I am responsible for myself and others. I raised four self sufficient children and I am helping to raise my grandchildren. I just need to stop reacting so dramatically. Gosh makes me sound like a drama queen, I never thought of myself that way.
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Thanks Betty,
I I recieved a check today and expect one next week and the end of the month all of them good sized. It is my whole thought pattern that is out of line. Gosh makes me sound like a drama queen, I never thought of myself that way.
Well ;D how about that Peter, some things have a way of working themselves out, we all told you everything would work out, and I'm glad it did ;D so, Don't worry so much next time.........
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Why dont I have someone that will help me on a daily basis (like a life partner)????
*** I even blame this disorder that I deal with on the fact that I have no partner.
Having a partner is no guarantee of them helping you. It could be the other way 'round (you helping them ) or even worse they might stress you out. If you pick a bad apple they can send your life into the shitter faster than you can say "Mister Wrong" ... So tell yourself being single is an okay thing. And yes you raised healthy normal human beings with kids of their own, so obviously you are your best resource. Hang in there with this cyberhug from me to you ;D
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I found a really good book in Amazon.com that might help you:
The Power of Self-Coaching: The Five Essential Steps to Creating the Life You Want by Joseph J. Luciano
It helped me a lot. I have suffered from clinical depression almost all my life then the HIV thing came in the picture 3 years ago.... a double whammy. I have a hard time with relationships (of the boyfriend type) because most people can't deal with depression and frankly it can be a handful too for them. Hey, I keep hope going because there must be someone out there for me and for you!