My BF is - and I am +.

[DancingFool86]

About two months ago I tested positive for HIV. I immediately told my BF of 3 1/2 years, and he has since been tested and has tested negative. Although, he is being a great support, I can't help but feel alone in all of this. I have started treatment and go to my doctor appointments, I keep him posted, and I am healthy for the most part, my counts are good and I don't need to start meds, yet. BUT, I feel like we are going through a major disconnect. I know he loves me and supports me but I can't wrap my head around why. We haven't had sex since the diagnosis, I am a little scared about that, and to boot I am not feeling too "sexy" right now. I hope that will all pass. Some days are better than others for me and I am doing my best to keep my head up and look forward to a bright future, I know it's not a death sentence but it is something that I am going to have to live with and maintain for the rest of my life. I am 23 and he is 25. Part of me thinks that maybe at this juncture in the relationship, I should just let him go. I feel like this is completely unfair to him.  Why should he have to deal with this? Is it pity? He says its not but who would put themselves through this kind of ordeal? I have started to take antidepressants to combat my depression and anxiety over it all and they are starting to chase away these negative thoughts, but I was just wondering if there is anyone in the NYC area (we live in Brooklyn) who is in this situation as well. Mainly my peers, any meet ups going on? I think it would be helpful for us to know that we aren't the only twentysomethings in NY who are going through this....

[franfrog]

Hey dancingfool.  I am poz and my husband is negative.  We found out a year after we were married because I landed in the hospital for a month with PCP.  He has been very supportive also.  I did and still sometimes go through those feelings.  I am learning to get over it.  I am 33 now but was 29 when I was diagnosed.  Looking back I came to realize that I was infected sometime around when or immediately after my daughter was born(her father has since passed away), so that was when I was about 21. 

What I am trying to get to is that if he is supportive then he is a keeper.  You can do so much to make yourself feel better about the whole thing, therapy is great.  Also, safe sex is the number one.  You are still you nothing has changed.  You are not putting him through anything.  He has chosen to be there and he seems great.
Good luck.

[DancingFool86]

Hi franfrog!

First off thank you for the support and perspective! Secondly, you said something that I definitely needed to hear "...if he is supportive then he is a keeper." You're 100% right about that, I thought long and hard, and realized that these things I have in my life (him) that are good, are the things, I should hold on to. It would be too easy to just throw it all away and stop living because of this. I know that this isn't something that defines who I am, it's a tiny piece of the puzzle that makes up me. I should learn to not let those thoughts of inadequacy control my mind. Thank you again for the positive vibes and support, your family sounds lovely and I hope all is well with you and them! Keep me posted!

[positivmat]

Not 20 something here - more like 2x 20 something. Just tested pos 3 mos ago. My partner of 13 yrs is neg. He has stuck by my side saying that there are so many other things that we have together to let something like this take us down. He has been my main support since my diagnosis. Not feeling so super sexy here either. He and I have really taken this relationship to the next level. That has been truly amazing.

I have been reading charlotte joko beck and she said that relationships are like little workshops for each person to work out their "stuff" with. I for one feel the fog of my own making starting to lift day by day and it has been greatly eased by having a partner with whom to explore this rather sucky part of my life. 

I don't know what your main suffering about this has been and I know we all have our own paths.
 
In short, my "suffering" has been mostly in my head. As I get past the bullshit shame messages and sort them out, I am emerging as a stronger and more open person. Take advantage of this love offering from your partner. Peace and be well.
Matt

[nbalt2]

Sorry I am not your age either, but my bf is neg and Im poz.  (If it helps my bf was your age when we met, he is now 32) This is my 2nd long term relationship like this. 

You will see where your bf is with this...and if he can handle it...frankly, when I was 25 I tried to date a guy who was hiv + and was neg, I could not handle it...so it's understandable if it turns out he can not. 

And you deserve and can have a full relationship. Being + does get easier to accept over time, for both parties.

My first HIV- partner became HIV + after we were together, not from me...and I truly believe that my current hiv- partner is more likely to remain negative if he remains in a relataionship w me...as we will practice safer sex...if he is out there fukin around, he is MUCH less likely to be consistant w safer sex.

Hope these thoughts help.

[wantmy9]

being in a sero-divergent relationship is never simple.  I have been in one for 5 years now and he knew i was HIV+ when we met.  Although we did not practice safer sex, knowing there was no discharge or fluids passing as we enjoyed each other over the time.  I would not normally recommend this process, unless the partner is comfortable with it.  The big thing with the sexual part of the relationship is that you do not want to put your negative partner into a position where they will feel uncomfortable.  Communication though is important to keep the relationship strong.  Remember that being positive is not the end of the world and that there are many sero-divergent relationships out there both gay and straight and groups that you can go to and share with others experiences and how they have dealt with personal issues and maintaining a strong relationship.  if you do not find such a group in your area, you may want to consider starting one that may be valuable to you and your partner as well as others dealing with the same kind of issues as you.  Having a partner that is willing to stay and enjoy the relationship with you is one worth knowing is a strong and solid partner.  Having a supportive partner makes all the difference in the world and especially when you are down or depressed for any reason.  make sure you support him in the process and show him you are very committed to him as well.  Remember it takes two to make a relationship work.  Go on and live life and enjoy the person you have always been and still are to your partner and the people around you.  Life is a treasure and when you have a partner to share it with that makes it even better.  you are young and will grow with your HIV and begin to realize that it is just another aspect of who you are.  HIV does not define who you are.

Wish you well and if you need any help in any way let me know.

Respectfully,
PSW, randy

[dtwpuck]

I used to think that I would only date other poz guys.  This was a mistake.    Serodischordant relationships only have to be complicated because you want them to be.

When I seroconverted I was dating a really nice guy.  About a month after i found out, I broke up with him.  He never really understood why.  Part of it was because I just needed time to deal with it and couldn't manage a relationship.  But most of it was because I was retreating from all sources of support. 

Let him make his own decisions and be grateful if you have the kind of partner who sticks around.  Love is more than being able fuck bareback.  Sorry if that sounds crude, but that's all we are talking about here.  If your partner realizes that you are more important than a virus, then keep him.  And, stop making rationalizations about 'doing what's best for him' when it's really 'I'm scared to lose him, or that he will dump me, so I will act first'... or whatever is going on with you.

And, if it turns out that he cannot support you; at least you know you gave him a fair chance to be honest with you.  Dealing with HIV is just not that easy.  No one should have to do it alone.   

Scott

I sincerely hope it all works out. 

[Andy Velez]

Along with the sterling and moving responses you have received, let me just throw into the mix that WHY your bf loves you is really....NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

He's entitled to love someone as unworthy as you may think or pretend to think yourself to be.

He cares for you. You care for him.

Keep things as simple and as direct as you can. Enjoy each other. Life is too short as it is without throwing in unnecessary frabber jabber.

Keep it simple, keep it simple, keep it simple. Allowing yourself to be happy is a very wise thing.

[positivmat]

Andy
I like that. I have been keeping up with this post and all the good advice here. I have been wrestling with why my bf loves me since the diagnosis and now I will remember what you said.

Hard to imagine I don't control the universe much less my bf. LOL

Good luck to you with this relationship.

[crazyday]

Hey dancingfool. YOu should contact me thru email maybe we can keep up. I am 23 and im going thru a similar situation.

[wantmy9]

There is no doubt that there is always that fear of rejection when we become positive and so to prevent others from rejecting us, we reject them to protect our selves form being hurt.  I know having to deal with rejection all of my life and HIV having nothing to do with it then but certainly does now, makes me even more protective of that fear and allowing someone to reject me when i have been through that rejection way too many times myself.  No one wants to be rejected whether it is you or you rejecting them. 

The truth though is that your partner loves and cares about you and if he did not he would move on and show you he did not by his actions.  Show your support toward him and let him know how you feel and that you care for him and in return it is very likely he will show the same to you.  This is a relationship and partnership, not a single/single live in situation, where you share or not the same bed.  Communication and trust make a relationship work without it, FORGET IT.

Respectfully,
PSW, randy

[DancingFool86]

So many kind words of advice. An update of sorts on what is going on in my situation. He and I are taking things slowly, and he is allowing me to take back my life. I have always had the feeling that I was poz even when I didn't 100% know. It was in the back of my head, that something wasn't quite right. It feels good to know I have a guy like him on my side, whether or not we are together down the road. I have seen that a lot of people are saying it's not an easy thing to deal with HIV, I know that from both sides of the coin. I give him a lot of credit for sticking around. My whole outlook on my diagnosis is changing. I appreciate the time I have now. As long as I stay positive (no pun intended) and stay honest with myself and him, I can make this work.

Sincerely,
Nick

[tag_man08]

hey nick.....you are not alone...
i am +...and my bf is - as well....
my bf has stuck by my side the whole time.....he loves me very much...
and really....i was my worst enemy back during my initial diagnosis.....
i wanted to lock myself up....i felt dirty....i felt like i should punish myself....
but thanks to my bf.....he pushed me to have sex again and get me back to my old self....
it took months...maybe almost a year.....but we got back to old ways....we got educated on
the things to do and not to do in bed....and we adjusted....so....its possible to still have sex and keep your sweet bf....so be proud of your bf for standing by your side....he must really love you....
so dont throw that away....its not so easy to get as you think....
i am here if you ever need someone to talk to....i'm 10yrs older...but i am in nyc every month and if you guys need to meet someone and talk....i'm very open to listening and helping you guys....
hold him tight tonight while you sleep....you guys will get threw this....
as they always say..."take one day at a time.."