POZ Community Forums
Meds, Mind, Body & Benefits => Mental Health & HIV => Topic started by: newbieguy on September 27, 2010, 07:27:45 pm
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Hi guys, just feeling really lonely and down tonight, needing some moral support. I really miss the company of other men. I can't talk to anyone in my life about my status, and I don't have any poz friends who I can talk to. I thought I had met a cool negative guy, who I was open about my status to, but he just stopped talking to me. I feel really depressed and alone. In my area, there's a terrible stigma in the gay community against hiv-positive guys it seems. I'm sure many of you can relate. By and large I am an upbeat person, but this lonliness sucks. What is an HIV-positive man to do for company, dating, or companionship? :( ???
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Hey Newbie -
Sorry you're feeling down today - Wherebouts are you? Are there any support groups or other activities for Poz people to get involved in or an ASO to volunteer at? Have you checked poz personals?
I definitely know what it feels like to go through those lonely patches. Fortunately, with work keeping me busy - I'm usuallly so happy to get home and just chill by myself (well, also with my family here on AM Forums and FB) and watch the new fall tv season shows (Dancin W/ The Stars tonight -- used to hate it, but sometimes brainless, cheezy tv shows are a good way to wind down and relax for me).
You can always feel free to PM me - keep your head up and I'm sure you'll get some other notes of support on here.....
-Phil
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Newbie-
I can't give you the support you are looking for now, because I am a women, but I can tell you that you are not alone. I feel the same way 99% of the time, alone, not the feeling down part, that I have pretty much come to accept. I keep trying every once in awhile to make contact with other women in my area, and nothing pans out, I have been trying for 3 years now. I asked my nurse the last time I had my labs drawn and she said she would have some other women she thinks I might have things in common with to give me a call. My fingers are crossed.
My SO is poz too but he doesn't like to talk about it much and obviously can't understand what I have gone thru as far as my pregnancies and stuff. I hope that your search can turn out better than mine and I wish you good luck!
Take care of yourself!
Snow
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Newbie sorry to hear ur feeling down I am way over here in Tucson AZ and if I were near you I would help cheer up
keep ur head up
Pete
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Hi Newbie... How recently were you diagnosed? Im so sorry you're having a tough time of it. Im a 59 year old woman who was diagnosed with aids 2 years ago. I can tell you that Ive really had ups and downs. Sometimes Im really positive about the changes Ive made in my life for better health, but I do get sad and lonely at times too. My ID unit has a womens support group and that has helped alot. Is there a LGBT center where you live that might have some support groups or activities for hiv+ men? It has also helped me to disclose my situation to some close friends who dont judge. I agree with Phil that Ive found a lot of solace with the folks here on the forums. I saw that you started meds, but stopped due to anxiety. Did the meds cause the anxiety or were you anxious about taking them? I sure hope youre able to find some helpful friends or groups. It really does get better.
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It really is a lonely existence. No guys seem to want to even be friends with someone who is HIV poz. Plus your scared to trust anyone because you dont know if they will go spread your status around. It just sucks. I have days when I just dont want to get up at all. I feel really isolated and alone. I dont really know where to turn to get help or meet people who can accept me for me.
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I understand ya. I'm a straight married postive female but I too have no one to talk to. My hubby doesn't like talking about it because he says negative talk is bad for my mental and physical health. I suffered from depression way before I found out my status
But sometimes I feel so scared, so helpless, so hopeless. I don't make friends easily and to reveal my status to people in my small town would make me a social outcast in a bad bad way. So I haunt these forums.
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Hi Newbie,
I feel your pain bro,I am a hetro man living in a small town and know what it's like to be so sick with AIDS I can't even change my sopping wet bed sheets. It can be hard to be terminally ill and treated like a modern day leper by society.
Our pain can be a cause for spiritual growth our hearts can become so beautiful if we use our pain properly.So many people all over the world have it tougher than us. Because of AIDS I have become a far better human being than I ever thought possible.My advice is to not avoid your pain but use it to become a radiant being and light the world that has become so dark.
Namaste
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Hello!
I know how you feel, If you want to chat anytime about anything at all, mail me. You are not alone. *HUGS*
Rob x
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Hey Newbie, been a while since I saw you on here, I miss a lot of peoples posts, but thought I'd look you up to see how you are doing. Sorry you are feeling a little down. Believe me, most of us know what it is like to have friends disappear after diagnosis, but I ASSURE you, with time, some will come back and you WILL make new friends. I just had two friends stop by this week I had not seen in a LONG time. HIV sometimes is hard for your friends to digest too. They don't know what to say and feel bad for you. Time heals a lot and some of the old friends will see you are not going away and how well you are doing and be back. You WILL make new friends too! ;D I have met two friends here on POZ that I would not trade for anyone else in the world. Two more friends from our support group I feel the same way about. ( 2 are Pos. and 2 are not, but HIV is what what brought us all together). I hate to say I had to deal with this crap alone for 2 years years till I met these wonderful people, but now we are here for each other and the times we get together are the highlight of our lives. I am not saying these 4 are my only new friends since diagnosis, there are many, but they are extra special friends. Hang in there! You are among friends here. Some a little wackier than others, we bitch and moan and get WAY off topic, but we are still here when you need us. If your case manager or ID clinic hasn't suggested any support groups, ask. Some are O.K., some not O.K., but I am sure you will find a buddy you can relate to. The groups make a GREAT excuse just so you guys can take time out of your busy lives to get together. Cheers buddy!
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Hello Newbi,
Hate to say it but your feelings off loneliness may well off arrived if you where HIV-
As to what are you to do about dating etc ---just what you did before diagnoses but with Safe Sex.
Any rejection based only on your medical status will tell you all you need to know about the person. and remember you can always challenge the cool guy you met ...
Take care and remember that strength and sensitivity developed from squaring up to and dealing with depression will pay you back big time
It will get better
take care
t
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What you are describing is a real dilemma. Accent on the real. So my advice isn't denying that HIV can make you feel and literally be isolated.
However, some suggestions:
1) If you are feeling alone - cause you want love and intimacy, and then you choose to isolate yourself from other contact, its double the pain. So make a point of seeing friends and family. Make a point of just socializing, somehow, rather than being alone.
2) Get some therapy and maybe ask about anti-depressants. The gloomy aspects of post show that you maybe need a lift before depression might really sink in.
3) Although the stigma and isolation forced upon HIV+ people is real, and we don't have control over other peoples rejection and distance --- our attitude about how other people feel - we have control over that.
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Thanks everyone for the kind words and food for thought. You make some good points. I know this comes with the territory, and believe me I know many many have it much worse, so I am grateful for what I do have, and for feeling physically good. I have been having a rough time mentally, with the isolation, how to go about meeting people (or lack thereof) its just intimidating because all the guys in my area seem to say "Be dd free" or "must be neg" so I just dont really even try. I hope maybe I can find a support group to see if that might help me. I just dont really have any friends to open up to or hear me out. Family is out of the question because they dont even accept me being gay. I feel very alone in both respects.
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Take care newbi, I do not believe for a nano second that all those DD free ads are all telling the truth, sorry to hear about your family situation, hang on in there.
I truly believe that WHEN you start making friendships based on who you are , with honesty on both sides they will be rich and wonderfull
t
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I just dont really have any friends to open up to or hear me out. Family is out of the question because they dont even accept me being gay. I feel very alone in both respects.
OK i see the sucky situation with the family. Rats. On the other hand, do you like time with your family any way. Maybe all in good time, for that situation.
What about the friends? You don't have many friends? Or you don't have friends with whom you can share your private worries?
Is the big question of "can I disclose in safety?" part of the thing keeping you isolated? Maybe you don't have to talk about living HIV with your friends, or cant talk about wanting some sex and intimacy (not out?). Of course eventually having a confidante will be good for you (and the confidante also). (In the meantime, at least you can see on this forum that people have HIV and still make good lives.)
Isolation is pretty sad road to travel down. Do you work? Study?
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Hi Newbie!
Sorry to hear you're feeling isolated and alone. It is hard for people in our position to make decent friends who won't shun you for having HIV. I feel much the same as you...don't share my status with family or coworkers for fear of rejection and so deal with alot of the issues on my own. I do post on hear from to time or just see what everyone has to say. Everybody has an experience to share. Hope you'll find something to help you deal and not let depression set in for too long. It's very hard to get that monkey off your back if you feed it...Take care and please let us know how you're doing when you can. There are not any support groups around here either..and yes, everyone wants you to be disease-free...hmmmmm...
Tim
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Newbie, say some more about the area you live in geographically if you will and what your life is like in general. I'm asking because I am wondering what resources might be available to you where you are.
Having someone avoid you after you've trusted him really sucks and not the good way.
Keep talking about what's going on. Living with HIV is still very new to you and I know you're going to find your way. Meantime hang in and hang out here as much as you want to.
Cheers.
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Can I offer or suggest yoga. I'm not sure where you live or the availability of a gay men's support group or Poz support groups. Not to diminish the necessity and the outstanding support they lend to our community, but sometimes one group or another isn't always the right fit, as it was for me. I've have found that in yoga there is a supportive community that i can relate to on more that one commonality or level (that im gay or poz), and a place to meet individuals that are compassionate, understanding, and not judgemental. There is community out there it sometimes comes in different packages. I recently moved from a large city to the midwest. The gay community here is riddled with stigmatism , lack of HIV education and awareness, and I'm sure is filled with individuals like you and like me who feel the same way. The thought has often occurred to me that it's just easier to not put myself out there in terms of dating because its complicated or because I will face rejection. Feelings like that would leave us all alone isolated in our dark corners, and that is no way to be. Perhaps if a group doesn't exist that fits your need, it's time for you to start one. Maybe there are others just like you down the street who feel the same way. Make flier, designate a meeting place and find your community, build your community. Yoga and meditation will certainly help you battle feelings of anxiety, loneliness, and depression.
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Hi Newbie,
I hope you are feeling better, please update us with any changes in mood or tips for how you have been able to cope. I also struggle with who to disclose my status to, with friendship ( I don't want everyone to think of me first and foremost as poz, although I'm sure most would be supportive, it would hurt to lose friends ) and with dating (sometimes after a few dates and realizing it wasn't going to work out because the chemistry or whatever isn't there, I'm usually thankful that I didn't have to disclose my status and have THAT be the reason that a relationship didn't work out) But obviously being alone sucks, and it may feel lonelier for you being a place without a lot of POZ people, but even in big cities someone can feel awfully alone.
I play in a gay sports league which gets me out of the house and being social and doing something that I love with people who I have a lot in common with. One guy in the league, an acquaintance whose positive attitude I've always admired, came out to everyone in the league basically, on National Coming Out Day, as being Poz, and was greeted with lots of support. Although I'm not that brave, one day I might be.
Other than sports and being active, I'd recommend some of the Real Housewives shows. They usually make me feel like my life isn't so bad after all, if this is who these people consider their "friends" LOL
Hang in there and keep your chin up :)
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Hi Man
. I am sorry to hear your having a tough time. It's bad enough under normal times. But right after the holidays, it is even worse. I found out in 1993, and I live in a big city. And I do not have one positive friend. I go to the center here for help, so I talk to other people but never on a personal note. You keep your troubles to your self. I find Loneliness difficult for everyone, when you haven't Hug a person in years. It makes it very difficult to see other people together. But it's like looking for a house or a car. You cannot find anything. It's so disappointing, and then you turn the corner and they it is. And you have a new life to live, And a love to share with him. A love he has never known before, and A love for life. He know nothing about, and a insight he has never seen before. The love will pour out of you like a dam busting open. He will see your appreciate for him in your eyes, Every day like no one else. You have a love for life that far few people ever realize. One day he will come to you. You have to learn to go on from with in. Don't go see romantic movies or TV shows, That's not what you want. You have to find something to fill you with joy. A pet, if you can have them, take up music or art. Something that makes you happy, Live for right now. Find the love from with in. Because you are someone special. With a joy for life like no other. I wish you well my brother, and hope you find him soon. Love Dave :)