sick with fear

[sososcared]

hi,
im new here and quite scared

a few years ago i had trouble with my lymph glands, they were all swollen and very painful. i went to the doctors quite a few times because they were up for so long. they ran lots of tests but couldn't find anything.in the end they did go down when i stopped checking and poking them all the time.

at the time i had a boyfriend who tested negitive to hiv, so i thought i coudn't have that because surely i would of given it to him if i was as i was on the pill and we didnt use condoms. so i havent worried about that until now.

my present boyfriend who ive been out with for six months has just got really painful glands come up in his neck. im scared because thats how mine started. also his little boy just got a huge fever for a week with a rash on his legs for one day

im so scared that i might be infected now and that gland problem i had before was to do with hiv. im not scared of my result but of theirs. with this boyfriend we have always used condoms though. there has been a few times where we have rubbed genitals together for a few seconds and then put a condom on. im scared that would of been enough to infect him

but what im most scared of is that he has now infected his little boy through household transmission, i dont know how easy it is but i would die inside if that has happened.

i dont know what to do, my legs are shaking with fear, i feel sick and cant eat. i know that if my boyfriends glands stay up we have to get a test but im so despiratly scared of the result

 please help

[Ann]

so,

You've been using condoms with this new guy so even if you are hiv positive, you haven't put him at risk. And there is NO WAY you would have infected the son - "household" transmission doesn't happen.

However, you can't go by the previous guy's hiv test to know your own status. I was with someone for eighteen months before I got my diagnosis, not using condoms, yet he tested hiv negative. The ONLY way to know your own hiv status is through testing.

And yes, you should test if you have had unprotected intercourse with anyone.

You need to be using condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse, every time, no exceptions until such time as you are in a securely monogamous relationship where you have both tested for ALL sexually transmitted infections together. To agree to have unprotected intercourse is to consent to the possibility of being infected with an STI. Sex without a condom lasts only a matter of minutes, but hiv is forever.

Have a look through all three condom and lube links in my signature line so you can use condoms with confidence.

Anyone who is sexually active should be having a full sexual health care check-up, including but not limited to hiv testing, at least once a year and more often if unprotected intercourse occurs.

If you aren't already having regular, routine check-ups, now is the time to start. As long as you make sure condoms are being used for intercourse, you can fully expect your routine hiv tests to return with negative results. Don't forget to always get checked for all the other sexually transmitted infections as well, because they are MUCH easier to transmit than hiv.

Use condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse, correctly and consistently, and you will avoid hiv infection. It really is that simple!

Ann

[sososcared]

thankyou so much for your reply,

I'm still so worried though, sick with worry, its all i think about. his son got this horrible fever and cough for a week then had this rash on his legs. Ive read that household transmission is rare but has happened.

I'm too scared to ask my boyfriend about his glands in case he says they have spread, then i will die inside because of my stupid decision to trust my Doctor when she said "theres nothing wrong" and that "its highly unlikely to be hiv." is that only because i am not from a high risk group.

i feel like the world is collapsing on me, if i had got tested back then, then they could, and i could of lived a half normal life. no one would of had to of known my status. but now everyone will know because of what i have done. now i have ruined two other lives and the guilt from that is unimaginable. i wont be able to live with that.

i don't understand though because the boyfriend i was going out with before when the painful glands happened was tested negative even though we were having sex (including anal) without condoms for four years. with the new boyfriend we have been using condoms. there was a few times when we were rubbing genitals and once where his penis went in a tiny bit for a couple of seconds before we put the condom on.  i cant believe i might of given this to him.

i know that i need a test, but I'm too scared to have one. I'm paralyzed with fear thinking about it. having to tell people i love that i have given it to them. knowing that i have given it to them. to tell my family that Ive got hiv. my mum is already dying of hep c. how can i tell them that i have this as well? i am not a courageous person and this situation has taught me this. i just want to crawl up and die

everything i used to love in life is a distant memory, all i have now is fear remorse and regret. i don't even like myself anymore. sorry to go on. just had to get these bad feelings out

[RapidRod]

You can cut the drama, if you have put yourself at risk then test.

[Andy Velez]

You don't have to feel brave to get tested. You can go in there with your knees shaking.

You've had unprotected sex so you do need to get tested. And nothing you are reporting symptomatically is HIV specific. So as Rod said, cut the drama and go get tested.

We'll be waiting to hear back from you.

Good luck.