Girlfriend just told me she has HIV. Our future?

[BloomK]

First of all I need to say that me and my girlfriend are "Mormon" and we have never had sex and wont until we get married. so there is no danger of me being infected. My question is a bit deeper. She had such a hard time telling me and I'll admit I was a bit shocked and didn't know what to say. she told me yeast day that she is HIV infected but she says her viral load or whatever is 0. I am really sad because I really love her and even if I stay with her I am deeply afraid of having to watch her get sick and die. I realize that with current mess that this is not not going to happen any time soon, but I can't help but be afraid.

I also am the type of guy that does NOT like the idea of using condoms all the time if we get married. It (to me) spoils the intimacy.

I also wonder about this... If I decide to marry her I know I will end up just saying "i love you and if I get nfected then it is something else we will share". I a pretty hopeless romantic. So basically, I wonder what the odds of infection is over a long period of time. If we are married of many many years and always have unprotected sex, I assume I have a really good (more than  50%) chance even if her viral load is 0?

And if I do get infected I am 36 years old, how does the infection change due to my age?

I don't know what to do here... I love her to death and I know this is not her fault. It hurts me to think about what she must have gone thru in her life because of this and I don't want to add to her pain.. She is a beautiful (actually stunningly so) girl inside and out and a total sweetheart. please help

[Ann]

Bloom,

Hi. Welcome to the forums. I've moved your thread to the Someone I Care About forum as it is the more appropriate place for your concerns.

With her undetectable viral load, it is highly unlikely you'd become infected from vaginal intercourse. It's a difficult virus to transmit from a woman to a man anyway. And that, by the way, is the only way you'd become infected - through unprotected anal or vaginal intercourse.

You would ultimately have to decide for yourself how much level of risk you're willing to take, but keep in mind that poz/neg couples are having children these days the "old fashioned way" when the woman is poz - and the baby and man remain hiv negative.

I could go on, but unfortunately I'm in a rush right now. A good place for you to start learning about hiv is in our Lessons section.

Ann

[tednlou2]

I am sorry to hear about your girlfriend and what you're dealing with as well.  If she remains undetectable, the chances of transmitting the virus is vanishingly low.  But, not non-existent.  And, it's more difficult for a woman to transmit the virus.  But, concurrent STD infections raise the risk.  But, since you're a virgin and plan to be monogamous, that won't be an issue.   

So, it will really be you and your gf's decision whether you accept the small risk and whether you wouldn't blame her, if by chance, you did become poz.  Many docs will tell you to use protection regardless.  After all, that is the best way, besides abstinence, to prevent infection.  But, I am seeing more and more giving the green light for bareback WHEN you are in a monogamous relationship and have demonstrated UD viral loads for a long time.

All the best and very admirable you're sticking with her and didn't jet at first news.

[BloomK]

I am a bit of an intellectual so I understood alot about HIV before she told me. But I love her and I'm not perfect either. I don't think I will leave her because of this but what are the odds of me getting it if we "go bare back" for many many years? And it seems thru my research that even if I do get it I probably won't die from it anyway..

[mecch]

Sorry for the somewhat critical note.  But if you love an entire person and want to make a life with her, where is the problem about wearing a condom? 

Gee, the risk would be small going condomless.  Very small indeed. But NOBODY is ever going to tell you there is not risk. So Gee, you're worrying all about that.  But Gee, you couldn't possibly make a small compromise with yourself, and put up with the little disadvantage of wearing a condom, so you don't have to worry at all?  The way you express yourself, the condom seems to be a "deal-breaker".

It sounds to me like you are so "intellectual" you are jumping through hoops of "what ifs" "risks assessments" rather than just wrapping up. Simple solution to all your anxieties.  If she's so great and you love her so much, just deal with a condom until you have the time to really learn about HIV and get used to the fact that your beloved is HIV+. 

You might be projecting a FAIR AMOUNT of fear and ignorance about HIV the disease, and being with an HIV+ person, onto this whole small issue of condoms, in my opinion.   This is evident with these questions and fears like not wanting to watch her get sick and die.  Jeez...

Anyway, marriage or partnerships, you create them because of all the attractive things.  And then you deal with the warts.  Who's to say it won't be you getting sick or going crazy or becoming handicapped.  Then she'll be stuck watching you suffer.

This is not the way to see things going into a long-term partnership.

[Lovewell79]

mecch,

I couldn't have said it better!!  Thank you my friend!  I just started seeing someone right before I found out I was HIV+.  Became best friends, fell in love, protected and unprotected sex, struggled with being in a committed relationship.  Even took him to the doctor with me.  I'm undetectable, healthy, and even took him to get tested TWICE.  He's Negative.  It still scares him, so we remain best friends.  I gave up on being in a romantic relationship and needed to let it go.  I understand it but on the same level, after all the education (even taking him to the doctor with me) it's still an issue.  Love him to pieces but need to just remain friends.

BloomK

If she is undetectable, the chances of you getting infected are slim to none.  You have two things going in your favor right now.  One...she's undetectable.  Two...she's a girl.  It's much harder for a man to contract it from a girl.  I've struggled with the issue myself of condom no condom with my partner who has to remain my best friend.  What really is love?  Yes, condoms suck..they don't feel the same, skin on skin, etc.  What really matters if you TRULY love her??  I'm currently in your shoes...I'm just the girl
 

[spacebarsux]

Hi Bloomk,

Gee, the risk would be small going condomless.  Very small indeed. But NOBODY is ever going to tell you there is not risk.

^^ This is at the crux of it.

Also, there's something called PrEP which involves taking a pill (Truvada I think) a day, which will add another layer of protection against infection for you (the neg partner), if you're totally against condoms. 

Perhaps someone else who knows more about PrEP will chime in.

Best

[BloomK]

Yea, I guess it's better to try to not risk it.. Cause I think even if I am ok with the risk, if I get infected then the guilt of it for her will probably be worse than I would want. I guess by protecting myself a reasonable amount I am protecting her as well..

[Blue75]

Hi Bloom,

When my husband of 15 years found out he was HIV+ a few months ago, I went off birth control and bought a bunch of condoms!

I hate condoms and so does he.  But when I said we don't have to use them every time, AFTER he becomes undetectable, he was like, "there's no F...ing way!"

He is amazed, grateful, and very happy that I am negative and he's going to damn well make sure that I stay that way!!

So, wrap it, buy some good lubrication, and LOVE her no matter what!

[Rockin]

I always feel that women have a harder problem with condoms than men. Just an opinion I have based on what my girl friends say.

As a guy I'm used to condoms and I do not think they hinder sex that much as long as you do it right. Stopping a hot steamy moment for a "Wait, let me see where I put my condoms"..."Damn it, can't find them"..."Damm it, these things are hard to open!" moment is a turnoff, that's for sure.

So whenever I'm about to do it I always leave them close by and sometimes I even tear the package a little bit prior to it, just to be on the safe side 

[mpositive]

You might want to see if you can get that test for the CCr5 mutation.  You may be immune to her HIV altogether...

[jkinatl2]

You might want to see if you can get that test for the CCr5 mutation.  You may be immune to her HIV altogether...

Um, that mutation might provide resistance to infection, but it does not make a person immune.

To the OP, why do you need to chart the full course of your relationship right away? Newer, better therapies are being developed all the time. There's even a med in the pipeline that will allow a person with an undetectable viral load to have an infusion every two weeks or so and not have to take pills every day.

Couples trying to have children go without condoms all the time. If you level of understanding regarding HIV is rather low at this moment, then just wear a condom while you familiarize yourself. The learning curve is steep, but true love wears reading glasses.

Maybe in a year, two, three, less, more, you will mutually decide to take the nearly non-existent risk and forego condoms. Who knows where your head will be at six months from now?

As for her health, there is no reason why your girlfriend will not do what many women do when married to men in this society; outlive you. I sincerely with the two of you the very best