Freaked out

[djpj715]

I went to the clinic Saturday and did one of those rapid tests -- it came back reactive -- news hard to take but I can not go backwards only forwards -- talked to friends of mine giving me a slight glimmer of hope -- because they both had mis-tested in the past and the bloodwork deemed them negative.  I keep telling myself not to have hope -- so its not a let down when i get the results.  Life has thrown me a few curves lately, I got laid off for the first time in my life with the economy as such, so here I am possible poz living in Toronto with my husband -- I am just a visitor here waiting for his refugee case to go through -- see we left the USA in May of 06 when immigration would not approve his case to stay -- of course USA will not allow sponsorship for gays -- so we left to Canada, where I think now I have screwed my chance to migrate here being poz. Really stupid but you never plan for breakage, and I guess the old addage of its pretty safe for a top is not so true.
So now I really don't know what to do, how I will be able to get treatment -- I guess I will have to go to Niagara or Buffalo for treatment, care and medicines how I will pay I don't know.  Wow its all so overwhelming but I have come to terms its of my own fault but I have to go on once I figure out how to.

[Ann]

dj,

As you yourself noted, you might have had a false positive. You need to go get a Western Blot test done to confirm your hiv status. Until you have this confirmation, you cannot really consider yourself hiv positive. If you want to know more about hiv testing, please read our HIV Testing Lesson.

Good luck - and here's hoping this is just a false alarm.

Ann

[shellshocked]

I understand that you're freaking out. I was diagnosed with HIV at the beginning of November 2007. I was tested during seroconversion, which made the results initially unclear. My test twice returned indeterminate results. I went through two months of hell, waiting for a conclusive result regarding my HIV status. So believe me, I understand your anxiety. The not knowing but fearing the worst leaves a deep pit in your stomach. For now, keep an open mind and don't panic. After all, you haven't yet received a conclusive result. Like you, I prepared myself for worse case scenario, which is a wise thing to do. Preparing yourself emotionally and psychologically will give you the resilience to endure the terrible news, if it should come. If it turns out that you are positive, continue to do what you're doing by posting here... Reach out to others. You'll need a lot of support.

On the note of support, you might want to consider contacting some Canadian organizations that could help you and your husband in your struggle to remain in Canada. In Toronto, there's an amazing lawyer who has devoted much of his work to assisting queer refugees and immigrants who are seeking asylum in Canada. His name is El-Farouk Khaki. You might also want to consider contacting the 519 Community Centre in Toronto. Other places where you might want to seek assistance include The AIDS Committee of Toronto, Toronto FWA Foundation and The Canadian HIV/AIDS Legal Network, which is also based in Toronto. The other organization that you might want to contact for advocacy support is EGALE, which is based in Ottawa (Equality for Gays and Lesbians Everywhere). Toronto has stellar community organizations that are very progressive. You might be able to find the resources and help that you need to remain forever in Canada, if that's what you choose.

Again, try not to panic about what's happening with your testing. Whatever the result, life will go on. And you'll be stronger and wiser for having gone through this experience.

[djpj715]

Wow Oh My God Shellshocked thank you so so so much for all the information, I will have my results this Saturday and begin what is necessary, If the slight chance I am clear then I will definitely live life differently, however my preparation and being at peace with the situation I have already made with myself and my husband.  So either way -- my life will go on -- with the grace of God we will figure out how I can keep my sponsorship with my husband and complete the immigration process here. 
I thank you again so much for your information it gives me a basis to start -- either way if the test proves poz then I will immediately go back to NY and seek the necessary medical attention and deal with immigration process as it comes, and contact all the organizations you offered me and lawyer.
I am so happy i stumbled on this sight I really needed someone to talk to about this.
Sincerely
DJ

[djpj715]

Thank you Ann

[Ann]

Hi again DJ,

I didn't realise from your first post that you've already had the confirmatory tests done and are waiting on the results.

Hang in there. If your worst fears are realised, at least you found this place and its wealth of information and support right at the very beginning. I've got my fingers crossed for you that it will turn out to be a false alarm.

In the meantime, you might want to read the Welcome Thread where you'll find links to all the other sections of this website - especially the Lessons. They're excellent and written in easy-to-understand language. (very important when you're freaking out!)

Ann

[shellshocked]

Hey DJ. You're welcome. Glad to help.

Just one typo correction re my last post: it's Toronto PWA (Persons with AIDS) Foundation vs. FWA.

Stay in touch. If you need any further help, don't hesitate to ask.

[Andy Velez]

Dear DJ,

While I know it won't solve everything, (nothing ever does that), but I can tell you there is a very strong and active HIV service community in Toronto. I met many of the people when I was working at the International Conference in Toronto in 2006. Great folks and I think you will find a lot of informed support.

Please keep us posted on how you are making out.

Cheers, 

[djpj715]

Well here it is -- went today for the results of the blood tests and they did all three -- pre-screen, Elsa or what its called, and the Western Blot -- all three came back as reactive -- so I am officially HIV+
I am not so stunned I prepaired myself for the results -- I cant go backwards only forward -- now I just have to live my life with HIV and make the best of it -- I will have to now go to the doctor and find out where I stand -- I have never been sick -- everyone here catches colds but i never seem to catch it myself -- with any luck and grace of God I will have caught it in time and my imune system will be strong.
Dont really know what else to say but here I am.
Thank you everyone that viewed and responded to my blog

[BT65]

DJPJ, though I'm sorry we had to come across each other this way, I wanted to welcome you to the forums.   Please keep in touch with us and let us know how you're doing.

[JustMe1988]

Hey Dj,
I know how you feel. I found out through the American Red Cross. But if you find the right doctors and everything then you will be set. Thank God my ID doctor is fantastic. I wish you all the luck in the world and Many blessings. I hope everything works out for you.

[BT65]

Hey Justme,
 Just wanted to welcome you also.

[djpj715]

Thank you everyone.  I am now trying to figure out where to go for medical assistance.  Since I am staying with my husband in Toronto -- my legal address is Delaware County New York -- I called Niagra because its the closest but they said its only for county resicents.  I have no health insurance and currently not working -- so I am unsure where to turn now.
Anybody with knowledge I need your help