Author Topic: disclosure? (Read 7437 times)

Bizkits · « **on:** March 13, 2014, 05:59:26 pm »

Ok guys, so there do seem to be varying opinions on this one. I really am curious what everyone's are on this topic. I am a "newbie", my partner has been poz for a while and seems to have a good grip on it but I surely don't. It's still the very beginning for me and I don't plan really on telling anyone that I haven't already (partner of course and best friend) unless I absolutely have to. The question arose in another discussion talking about sex without disclosure, the point being made that so long as a condom was used, it's okay to not disclose. I have a problem with that. Again I'm very new and unsure of the etiquette or in's and out's. Not that I see this being an issue for a while but I want to be prepared. Can anyone offer any advice?

buginme2 · « **Reply #1 on:** March 13, 2014, 06:40:55 pm »

Ideas, thought, morals surrounding disclosure can evolve much like everything else regarding Hunan nature. Mine have. Everyone discovers what's is right for them. You will too.

If I'm not fucking you, it's none of your damn business.

If I'm fucking you, then you have a right to know.

PS. Regardless of what your personal views are. Be sure to be aware of your local laws regarding hiv transmission and disclosure. Some are quite draconian.

cicero · « **Reply #2 on:** March 13, 2014, 09:46:15 pm »

I agree with buginme2.

The general population of your acquaintances don't need to know if you don't feel like telling them. It is good you have a partner and a close friend that you can talk about it with, though.

As for sex partner disclosure, in my view, even with an undetectable viral load and condom usage, meaning a near zero percent chance of transmitting it to a partner, I think about myself before I was HIV+. I would have wanted to know. I probably would have chosen not to go further. Right or wrong, I'll give people that courtesy before we're sexual. That said though, everyone is responsible for their OWN sexual health. So your mileage may vary...I just feel it's the right thing to do for me.

Dan0 · « **Reply #3 on:** March 13, 2014, 09:52:54 pm »

Quote from: buginme2 on March 13, 2014, 06:40:55 pm

If I'm not fucking you, it's none of your damn business.

If I'm fucking you, then you have a right to know.

AMEN - you get the Elaine Stritch Tell It Like It Is Award!

After the other thread that was the genesis for this post, I started looking at some of the laws around the country for HIV disclosure. It is really shocking what is out there and 'on the books'. We have some good news from Iowa that they are finally reviewing their disclosure laws - but it will be a long while before they are in sync around the country with science.

No matter what you're personal views are you HAVE to have some knowledge of your local laws. All it takes is an incident such as this recent one:

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/crime/hiv-positive-college-student-secretly-filmed-sex-tapes-32-people-police-article-1.1584962

....and the villagers light their torches and brandish their pitchforks!

Personally, it scares the hell out of me. A one night trick with some unstable person could be a recipe for disaster even if you DID disclose. How would you prove that you did? That is what - currently - makes me agree with Bug.

mecch · « **Reply #4 on:** March 13, 2014, 10:38:43 pm »

Bizkits -

are you asking for advice on disclosure to sexual partners...?
are you asking for advice on who to disclose to in your life?

both?

Ann · « **Reply #5 on:** March 14, 2014, 10:03:55 am »

Quote from: Dan0 on March 13, 2014, 09:52:54 pm

Personally, it scares the hell out of me. A one night trick with some unstable person could be a recipe for disaster even if you DID disclose. How would you prove that you did? That is what - currently - makes me agree with Bug.

That's one of the reasons (only one of many) I'm totally open about my status. Nobody could ever accuse me of not telling them, because too many people know how open I am and it just wouldn't make sense. A good defence lawyer would rip their "case" to shreds, if it even got that far.

eric48 · « **Reply #6 on:** March 14, 2014, 08:32:21 pm »

That's one of the reasons (only one of many) I'm totally secretive about my status. Nobody could ever accuse me of not telling them, because no people knows. Any lawyer would rip their "case" to shreds, if it even got that far.

Mobile.eric

RapidRod · « **Reply #7 on:** March 14, 2014, 08:43:25 pm »

Quote from: eric48 on March 14, 2014, 08:32:21 pm

That's one of the reasons (only one of many) I'm totally secretive about my status. Nobody could ever accuse me of not telling them, because no people knows. Any lawyer would rip their "case" to shreds, if it even got that far.

Mobile.eric

How long do you think you could keep it a secret if your partner contracted HIV? All it would take is your medical records and a good lawyer would rip your case apart.

eric48 · « **Reply #8 on:** March 14, 2014, 08:52:01 pm »

What medical records.
Shredded they are

(Half joking)
Eric

skeebo1969 · « **Reply #9 on:** March 14, 2014, 09:00:53 pm »

Quote from: eric48 on March 14, 2014, 08:32:21 pm

That's one of the reasons (only one of many) I'm totally secretive about my status. Nobody could ever accuse me of not telling them, because no people knows.

Mobile.eric

Sweet, you're like a HIV ninja with a cell phone....

Irish Eyes · « **Reply #10 on:** March 14, 2014, 10:44:59 pm »

Quote from: Ann on March 14, 2014, 10:03:55 am

I'm totally open about my status. Nobody could ever accuse me of not telling them

But Ann it's def easier when you live in a town is 15 people and on an island.

eric48 · « **Reply #11 on:** March 15, 2014, 05:02:56 am »

Quote from: Irish Eyes on March 14, 2014, 10:44:59 pm

But Ann it's def easier when you live in a town is 15 people and on an island.

Hide you medical records

OR

Hide your ££

Lawyers are after money

Mobile.eric

Miss Philicia · « **Reply #12 on:** March 15, 2014, 09:13:47 am »

This thread and the advice being doled out is beginning to become appalling. Just my opinion.

Not to mention long term study after study after study has shown it detrimental to one's mental health.

Ann · « **Reply #13 on:** March 15, 2014, 09:30:32 am »

Quote from: eric48 on March 15, 2014, 05:02:56 am

Hide you medical records

OR

Hide your ££

Lawyers are after money

Mobile.eric

Or instead of twisting yourself into a pretzel to avoid disclosure, do the right thing and disclose before you have sex with someone. The more we hide, the more we have to hide.

Ann · « **Reply #14 on:** March 15, 2014, 09:34:23 am »

Quote from: Irish Eyes on March 14, 2014, 10:44:59 pm

But Ann it's def easier when you live in a town is 15 people and on an island.

Obviously there are more than 15 people living here.

However, it shouldn't matter where you live (unless you're a hermit), if you're open about your status in general, then enough people would know to the point where it would make someone's claim that you hid your status from them laughable. How can they claim you hid your status if you list "hiv poz" on dating sites for example? Or regularly post hiv news articles on your Facebook page? Get the picture?

Ann · « **Reply #15 on:** March 15, 2014, 09:40:12 am »

Quote from: Miss Philicia on March 15, 2014, 09:13:47 am

Not to mention long term study after study after study has shown it detrimental to one's mental health.

Absolutely. Consigning one's self to a dark, cramped closet is bound to fuck with your head and really, did we need any studies to tell us that?

Jeff G · « **Reply #16 on:** March 15, 2014, 09:48:10 am »

Hi Eric . I am sincerely wondering what is your motivation to be so secretive about your HIV status ? . I am genuinely puzzled by it and would like to understand better .

You usually comment in these threads about disclosure and take the its OK not to disclose stance really quickly whether it be hooking up dating and while most of us take the time to carefully address the issues of why you should disclose you seem a bit more reserved in sharing what your reasons are other than its a choice and here is how to do it .

You seem to care deeply about this issue so it may help those you regularly advise to know how you came to feel the way you do .

Theyer · « **Reply #17 on:** March 15, 2014, 10:34:34 am »

I am sick to death about this . The only way to defeat the stigma is by as much disclosure as possable. Fair enough if you are not ready for it , but at least work on it. To my fellow Gay peeps are we really content to fight out off one closet to only take up residence in another.

??

I don ,t wear a Tee shirt proclaiming the fact, or say "have a nice day I have aids " but if asked why I have so many pills around , builder last month , i say with nerves awaiting his reaction but its better than living a lie .

As to worrying about possable come back from sexual partners there is no come back if one is honest and safe.

I have sympathy for anyone living in Fear but that fear will not lessen by convoluted planning on how to hide , and its a criminal waste off anyones time and energy.

Courage , we all have to work on it and help each other keep it .

Dan0 · « **Reply #18 on:** March 15, 2014, 12:01:09 pm »

Quote from: Theyer on March 15, 2014, 10:34:34 am

To my fellow Gay peeps are we really content to fight out off one closet to only take up residence in another. ??

And that, sir, is the most profound statement of the week! Thank you.

buginme2 · « **Reply #19 on:** March 15, 2014, 04:55:28 pm »

Quote from: Theyer on March 15, 2014, 10:34:34 am

I am sick to death about this . The only way to defeat the stigma is by as much disclosure as possable. Fair enough if you are not ready for it , but at least work on it. To my fellow Gay peeps are we really content to fight out off one closet to only take up residence in another. ??

I don ,t wear a Tee shirt proclaiming the fact, or say "have a nice day I have aids " but if asked why I have so many pills around , builder last month , i say with nerves awaiting his reaction but its better than living a lie .

As to worrying about possable come back from sexual partners there is no come back if one is honest and safe.

I have sympathy for anyone living in Fear but that fear will not lessen by convoluted planning on how to hide , and its a criminal waste off anyones time and energy.

Courage , we all have to work on it and help each other keep it .

This is what I think we are all working towards. Each of us is at a different point on that journey. I especially like you comment regarding courage, we all have to work on it and help each other keep it.

Bizkits · « **Reply #20 on:** March 19, 2014, 10:26:51 am »

Hey all, sorry for the tardy reply, left town for a get-a-way for a few days and made sure to leave all my electronics behind!

Thank you all for the replies, I'm finding that although it's still very new to me, that each day that passes is a little easier. I guess I could sit here and let it get me down and ruin my life but I'm not going to let it. It's done, no going back, now I just need to learn to live with it and live healthy and happy. As far as disclosure goes, I guess it will just come. I find comfort in being able to share it with someone I know who is as well, which is why when I saw my old friend of almost 20 years this past weekend, I told him. We had a great talk, too.

This forum has helped a lot too, thank you guys.

Theyer · « **Reply #21 on:** March 23, 2014, 04:11:12 pm »

Good I am glad that you had a week end away that did not turn into a weird psycho drama because you could not talk about the one thing you needed to talk about , and thanks for getting back to us all your post produced a good deal off thinking for me.
All the best
m

Dan0 · « **Reply #22 on:** March 23, 2014, 04:32:39 pm »

Quote from: Bizkits on March 19, 2014, 10:26:51 am

Hey all, sorry for the tardy reply, left town for a get-a-way for a few days and made sure to leave all my electronics behind!

As I sit here tethered to pads and phones with chirping, dinging and buzzing I could only imagine that your weekend away was glorious!! Everyone needs to 'unplug'.

Bizkits · « **Reply #23 on:** March 24, 2014, 12:16:06 pm »

Quote from: Dan0 on March 23, 2014, 04:32:39 pm

As I sit here tethered to pads and phones with chirping, dinging and buzzing I could only imagine that your weekend away was glorious!! Everyone needs to 'unplug'.

Haha I love my "pads and phones"...I missed those, I am somewhat lost without them! How did we ever manage before their inception?!

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Author Topic: disclosure? (Read 7437 times)