SeroDiscordant Relationship and Kids

[DanKenny]

Hi,

My friend James (who is positive)  is in a sero-discordant relationship with a lady.  The lady has young school-age kids and a preteen.  James also has a daughter who is positive and lives with him most of the week.

Currently, James and Annie (the lady) are cohabiting.  At the time they began the relationship, Annie pledged her support.

Recently, James' daughter felt ill, and as a result of the illness, he voiced his concern that his daughter might disclose her condition to the other kids in the house.

Annie clearly made it clear to James that she would not want her children to be aware of his condition and that of his daughter, and that if they should become aware, they would tell her Ex -- who is already bitter, and finding ways to undermine her relationship with him (James) -- through bad-mouthing etc.

Now, my friend James is really stressed.  I adviced him to speak to his daughter (who is 9 years old) about how to keep the *secret* but we are not sure how far this would go.  James claims he feels uncomfortable always hidding their medications, and often worried that they might be *outed*   In fact, according to James, Annie told him not to fill his medications near their zip code area because of her fear of disclosure and (i would think accidental linkage to her).

James is so worried he wants to throw in the towel early before Annie's kids find out.....

I cautioned him not to worry ... but I told him I would post this message to the board for other input.... Are other's in a similar situation?  What should James do here?


thanks - DK

[RapidRod]

Well, she is in no way going to support him or his daughter. Then to ask him to get his meds by using another zip code? My honest opinion is for him to dump her and find a woman that will totally support him and his daughter’s disease unconditionally.

[BT65]

I totally agree with Roddles.  I would never live with someone who wanted me to keep being poz a "big secret."  And filling his meds in another zip code area?  You've got to be kidding.  He needs to kick her to the curb and find someone who will luv him for him.  She's certainly not going to.

[BirdBear718]

Shocked and appalled at being TOLD to fill hissss prescriptions and those of hisssss daughter in another zip code.
I would say.....well, not sure I can say it without saying my favorite word.....

[DanKenny]

Thanks ...it is getting clearer now that maybe the lady is afraid of the stigma and doesn't want to be associated or linked in any way to him and the condition.

For example, when he told her about a christmas party that her daughter's clinic holds for the infected kids and their families, according to him, her response was: "why do you have to go to such places? Don't You find it labelling?"  He was shocked by the response, but didn't say much.

Well, I will print and send him the messages -- I think separating would ease the stress of keeping the *secret* -- at least in the longer term

thanks DK

[minismom]

The day ANYONE told me to hide my daughter (who is 7 and HIV+) away and pretend that her virus doesn't exist is the very LAST day that person would shadow my doorstep.  To ask a child to deny what is so much a part of her so that daddy can stay with a woman who clearly doesn't support him or his daughter - I dont' care what she "pledged" - what is that saying to that child?  And to fill prescriptions in another zipcode?  What is this man thinking?  We went to a party last weekend hosting infected children and it was wonderful!  All of our children attended and we made no bones about telling our family where we were going and sharing about it when it was over.  We (dh and I)  made a pledge - a true pledge - the day we found out Mini was a jr. pozzie.  Either people accept all of us or none of us.  We are a family and will stand together no matter what.  We can not and will not be picked apart.  I suggest your friend think more about his daugther and less about this lady.

Mum (who is VERY proud of her jr. pozzie)

[emeraldize]

Hey DanKenny
Please tell your friend his literal immune system and his figurative heart cannot benefit under such stress. His daughter should not be coached at age nine about how to keep such a big deal under wraps from other "family" members. Family, optimally, is the place where you are supposed to be safest. They should not be stigmatized by those who allegedly love them.

It's easy to coach from afar and comment in a forum devoid of faces and real-life scene. I'm sure he has feelings for Annie and her children. In order to start anew he's already run the numbers in his head. Must find new place. Must shell out more money. Must pack and move. Must mend heart. And on and on. It's not a simple process.

So, to fairly assess the possible outcomes, they either need counseling from a therapist who has their wits about them regarding HIV in a serodiscordant relationship or he has to make one of two big decisions---abide or leave.

Since you're printing this thread out for him. I will add this.

Hi James,

In the event you must end your relationship with your beloved, I want you to know something or perhaps, recall something. There are positive women all over the US, likely even in your city, who are single or divorced, with or without children, who would welcome the opportunity to be in a loving, respectful relationship with a single father and be a friend and/or step-mom to your daughter. You simply haven't met any of them yet.

Wishing you and your daughter a Joyous Holiday and New Year.
Em

[Coffeechick88]

I would think your friend needs to evaluate his relationship.  Can it be saved by counseling and therapy or is it time to leave?  The situation as it is is completely unacceptable.  You should not be stimatized by people who should love and support you no matter what.  To have to hide this, even going into another zipcode is wrong and should not be tolerated.  I am not sure if this woman can come to change or if it is time to find another woman and make a clean break.  His daughter should not be sucked into hiding this.  I got HIV at a young age and I had to endure stigma from some family members.  Even those who didn't treat me rudely or with fear, made it clear that I shouldn't talk about it and basically act like it didn't happen.  It is a stressful situation and not healthy mentally or physically.  When I went out on my own, it took awhile for me not to feel afraid of letting people know and to realize that I was worthy of being treated well and love.  I did have a father who thought I was being unfairly, but did nothing to speak up to my defense.  Even though I sort of understand the reasoning around it now, as a child I felt rejected and that he felt those people were more important than me.  The stigma made a big impact on how I grew up feeling about myself.  So I think the effect this treatment has or could possibly eventually have on the daughter should be considered.  There are many women out there that would be loving and supportive and would give your friend the type of relationship he deserves.  It took me awhile to find someone who would accept all of me, but there are both men and women who will give your friend and his daughter the love and support they deserve.

[next2u]

danken,

what happened?

[Jeff G]

   I would worry about the message it  sends to a 9 year old... That she should somehow be ashamed of who she is .... very sad indeed.

[DanKenny]

thanks for raising this issue....I thought I had given an update.  I advised my friend that in the circumstances, if I were him, I wouldn;t marry the woman or continue to live there until there was a full disclosure to her kids and their willingness to accept his daughter before stepping back into the relationship, if at all. 

He agrees in principle, and is now looking for a place that will not so much disrupt the kids's school schedules -- also he indicated that he is concerned about the bond that his daughter has already developed with the other kid in the house, and I told him to think more of the future that a disclosure will test and challenge that bond.

so he still has a major decision to make..

thanks for asking - DanK