Wrestiling with same old demons...

[cflas]

Hi, guys! 
  I don't want this to be a long post because I know that everyone's real busy but I'm in a bit of a pickle.
  Just a little history:  I've been positive for 13 years (this Wednesday!). Cd4 335.  Viral Load: undetectable.  Married fir 20 yrs.  Bisexual. I work as a social worker full time and do all the normal stuff - dinner, movies, mow the lawn, paint the studio, etc.
  Last Friday night I ran into a friend whom I haven't seen for 15 yrs. We used to room together but never were sexual.  Usually, we out to dinner, plays, the bars,occasionally the baths, etc. etc. etc. Anyway, we were so blown away by accidentally seeing each other that we cancelled all the other plans we each had made for that night (my wife was out of town) and went to dinner together. And while we never divulged, or even intimated at our own HIV status, we did get around to: "Remember _____what's happend to him?" And, "What about____do you hear from him?"  We stopped when the number got to 16.
   And I hurt and ache so badly right now.  I have managed to remain pretty isolated from the world of HIV. I still have my gay friends (mostly women) with whom my wife and I see on birthdays and holidays.  I was pretty active during those taught and drenching 70s and 80s.  I know that one guy I was with died 17 yrs ago 'cause I read about it the New York Times.  And, I know that my last "long term relationship" (which for me usually lasted about 6 months) died of cancer 10 yrs ago.
  I'm embarrassed and guilty and feel shitty because I have managed to isolate myself from my sexuality (only certain people knew)  and I have managed to intellectualize the "national and international perspective on HIV."  There are people here who have been in the middle of this fight for so long and the best I can muster is to advocate for HIV patients at the hospital where I work and serve on their Ethics Committee. Big 'effing deal!
  So, I don't know what I want here.  But I have been wrapped so tightly for so long that I feel as though I'd just like to break out of this cocoon and be free.  (One roomate told me that I was the only person who came out of the closet and ran right back in.)   
  There's a quote from Joan Baez that goes.."For the fact is that my brothers outside are cold and hungry...and while they wait, luxury sours quickly around me like cream in the sun. And my spirit is so troubled and my mind so hindered as I try, in constant conflict to live with myself. And, yet, I remain so eternally attached..."  But I am still such a coward...Anyway, thanks for all you do for all those for whom you care. Chris.

[allopathicholistic]

There are people here who have been in the middle of this fight for so long and the best I can muster is to advocate for HIV patients at the hospital where I work and serve on their Ethics Committee.

Chris: The way I see it, your part in this fight sounds very significant .....My social worker gives me clarifications/explanations, warnings, suggestions. She's also nice. (We love nice! ) Once, even, she was able to cut through municipal "red tape" which likely saved daaaaaaays of people giving me "the runaround" ......exactly how she did it I'm not sure, but whatever she did, oh man, bless her, truly

Forgive me for not fully understanding what your exact pickle is-- Could you clarify? I know you mentioned you don't know what you want (I know that feeling -especially lately) .......I hope any heartache you're going through goes away quickly 

[wellington]

It sounds to me your life is well considered but you wish some things could be different. We can't change the past, of course, but we can use it to learn how to change the future. There's a saying that helps me from time to time when I find my circumstances not to my liking ... "If you want things you've never had, you must do things you've never done."

It's truly amazing what an immense difference the subtle things in life can make when adjusted.

[bear60]

quote....." We stopped when the number got to 16."

Oh man I am tearing up here just when I got to that line.  Its just the same for me only worse...because I really have No friends left from the 70's and 80's who were HIV positive. Our list....we kept a list .....has gone to 40.
   I hear the pain and feel the pain. But you will be ok. Sometimes its good to feel that sadness.

[David_CA]

Sometimes just posting helps get those emotions out.  You said you've isolated yourself, and I imagine repressed a lot of feelings, thoughts, and emotions.  Every now and again, they over flow.  For me, putting those kinds of thoughts to paper (or a computer screen) really gets them out in the open where I can deal with them easier.  I doubt you'll ever totally be rid of those feelings, which is a good thing.  After all, you are a person and you feel.  Take care of yourself and do what you need to do to get past this.

David