Input Please, Weird Situation.....

[imashadow]

Hello everybody, I'm new to the board and new to all of this. I was with with a woman for quite a few years and we ended up separating last year. Before we dated we both had been tested and both were negative. Earlier this year she decided to go for a check up and so did I. She had gone weeks before me and had gotten her results earlier. She received a call from her doc and called me frantically asking me about my last test and I answered. I asked if there was a problem and she shrugged it off and told me that they asked her to come in. The day she went in is the day I got my bloodwork done. She called me that day and told me everything was fine. I asked her why she was freaking out, but she just shrugged it off saying she was just nervous and I believed, cause who wouldn't be. A week later I get a call from my doc and he tells me to come in. My test came back positive. I fell apart instantly and asked myself how could this be. She had been the only woman I have been with in years. It took me a couple days to call her and tell because I feared rejection from her. Especially since the break up was not so kosher and her and I weren't on very good terms. When I told her I burst into tears and told her all that was going through my mind. Denial, suicidal thoughts, anger, everything under the sun. Her reaction to me was shit.... That's exactly what she said. Then she basically told me to toughen and make the best of it. Before this, communication between her and I was very minimal. That day she said we can continue to talk but only on her terms and strictly on a counseling level. I told her she needs to get retested. Her reply to me was "don't worry about me, I can take care of myself, and if we were to talk that it would only be about I. We talked for a few weeks very minimally and she stayed with her same behavior. Eventually she told me without telling me that she had tested positive when she went back which later I found out was a lie. At that point she was very much in denial and looking for someone to blame. Of course me. More weeks go by and we see eachother a few more times. Up until recently, now back to the lie..... We were talking and she slipped up on the date of when she said she originally tested positive. It flew over my head at the time. But i started to think and I was like wait a minute that was way before I tested positive or even went for my bloodwork. I questioned her about it and she told me not to question her and said she said she was negative to ensure that I would get tested. Which I  think was totally fucked up, but that's just me. Regardless of everything I love this woman very much and I continue to pursue her. She gives me every excuse in the book. But this verdict has changed her completely. She has become very cold and angry, reclusive, cynical, and depressed. She tends to take all her anger on me. I do everything I could to be good to her and make her feel loved and show her that I am there for her. I know that there were reasons we separated originally but, things are very different now. All I want is for us to be there for eachother. I know everyone deals with things in a different manner and we are both very new to this. But I feel we could be a great benefit to eachother. I want to know if anyone has any insight into what I can do to help and get through to her. The bulk of her issues with me before were based on jealousy and her thinking I wasn't doing my best for her. I have changed immensely since we have separated and even more now with this. She is the only person I want to be with and to have this weight on my shoulders of this and being positive is getting heavier every day and I don't know what to do anymore. Any help would be appreciated. Sorry for the long post.

[mecch]

Hello Imashadow!

You will get a few different kinds of responses to your post.

First and most important, you have just tested positive, and its quite a shock! I'm sorry this has happened.
Its good that you found this forum because you can get a lot of support and information here. Don't hesitate to ask anything.  If you are not ready to find support from the people around you then it is especially important to come here and feel part of a community.  You'll see as you read more that you can KNOW that life is going to get better with some time and some active work to get over this change of becoming HIV+.

Second is that there is a good part of your post that is about how it might have happened.  If I read correctly, since you were faithful, she wasn't.  You were both HIV- at the beginning of the relationship.  But if I read correctly, you dont express great anger at her. In fact you feel compassion.  Well you are in pretty good shape mentally on this point.  You'll see that a lot of the people here, we
1) don't fret so much about the way we became positive and the people involved.  
2) We gotta go forward and build a satisfying life so whats done is done.

Unfortunately you may not be ready for my advice:  to go forward I think you need to put your ex on the back burner, and ideally start thinking that she has no part in your future life.  From what I read, she doesn't seem to have a lot of compassion for you.  She wants everything to be on her terms.  I am not a psychologist but something sticks in my mind. You said the issue that lead to your break up was her being jealous of you and not doing enough for her.  

Well if you are correct, and she was the cheating one, its a sort of projection of her own faults onto you.  And now she is doing the same thing again.  Blaming you for her HIV?  Or even worse, seems like maybe she was HIV+ for quite a time, knew it, and put you at risk.  

I think unfortunately this person may not have the self-knowledge and honest communication that you have. She doesn't seem very generous to me.  (You are doing the best by her! its she who wants to set the terms).  I think all things considered, you got to put her aside. I'd suggest forever, but maybe if that is too painful for you to think about, at least consider taking a very long "time-out" from contact with this person.  

You are going to deal with your diagnosis actively.

From what I see written, your ex may not be capable of helping herself, and certainly not helping you.


 

[imashadow]

Thank you for your response and welcoming. One thing though is that she has claimed that she has been faithful our whole time together. Another thing is that we think I may have gotten the virus from a previous girlfriend which I dated right before her. We think that I may have still been in the window period. The ex before her got very sick after the break up and completely disappeared. So we think it was her. Anyways your feedback on that thought would be appreciated.

[Ann]

Hi Shadow, welcome to the forums.

I've moved your post from the Someone I Care About forum to the I Just Tested POZ forum. The Someone I Care About forum is a place for hiv negative people to discuss the impact of having a loved one who is poz in their lives. As you are poz yourself - and only recently diagnosed - the Just Tested forum is the more appropriate place for your post.

Are you sure you want to be with this woman because you love her, or is it possible that you want to be with her because she is also poz and you fear that you may never find another woman who will accept you and love you despite your hiv? If it's the second reason, you deserve better.

It is very possible that when you two tested initially that one or both of you were still in the testing window period. The window period is three months for a conclusive negative result, although the vast majority of people will test positive by six weeks. If either of you tested before six weeks after your last incident of unprotected anal or vaginal intercourse with someone else, you or she may well have gotten a false negative.

But what matters most now is not who infected whom, but where do you go from here.

Hang in there - it really does get better in time.

Ann

[imashadow]

I know I want to be with this woman because I know I love her more than anything, I've been pursuing her and only her since the breakup. Gig has nothing to do with it. That is why I grouped it into two situations. I dunno which bothers me more.

[skeebo1969]

I know I want to be with this woman because I know I love her more than anything, I've been pursuing her and only her since the breakup. Gig has nothing to do with it. That is why I grouped it into two situations. I dunno which bothers me more.

I don't doubt you love her more than anything but ya'll broke up for a reason.  Break-ups are hard, I know... but the worst thing you can do to yourself is get into this trap of "i love her more than anything".  It's just not realistic, and it's not fair to you. 

In terms of the relationship all I can say is--I can feel your pain, you're longing for someone who does not seem interested in having a relationship with you any longer.  If you keep on you will only look more unattractive in her eyes, thus pushing her further away.   A woman either loves you or she doesn't, there's no in between.  About the best thing you can do at this point is give her space, don't call her, and when she calls you act like your busy.  It will be hard, trust me I know.  And she might now even come around.  But from everything she's displayed, if she's even interested at this point in dating, she's going to want to see a strong man-- not a man who is begging to be with her.  It's just not attractive. 

Give her a call once a week to see how she's doing and be prepared to move on.  If she wants you she'll come around.  In the mean time ask yourself this, "why would I want to be with someone that won't return my love?"

[next2u]

hey you,

all the posters above me have given some really sound advice. id key in on what skeebo and ann have to say.

Take care of yourself and give her some space. if she does not want to be around you right now do not force it. when the opportunity is right it will present itself or you will make it happen. whether you decide to go the "ill always be here for you road" or the skeebo frontin moves road, aka you can go kick rocks but ill be watching route, be sure to take care of yourself first.

trust, people like to come back to people who have the shit together (in more ways than one). i sincerely hope both work out well for you (coming to terms with your status and the reconciliation of your relationship)

best,
d

[imashadow]

Hey thanks again everybody for you responses. I guess I was hoping for more positive. But I guess you are all right, espeially Skeebo. I think I should just let it be and let time do its thing. I know she cares and still loves me but she is stubborn and is fighting herself. I know its even harder in this situation and I know that plays a major role in everything. I was planning on just saying forget about it and letting time do its thing before i posted. You guys just reinforced it. Thanks

[Ann]

Shadow, don't forget that she is also dealing with a fairly new hiv diagnosis. People all react to the news differently - and some react by pushing loved ones away. I agree with Skeebs - give it time.

Just to give you a bit of perspective... the man I'm currently with, I was originally with in the early to mid 1990s. We split up for ten years, but we got back together again just over three years ago. We couldn't be happier. We both grew up a lot in those ten years apart. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be, but it may take some time and could quite possibly be well worth the wait.

[imashadow]

Thaks Ann, I understand completely that people deal with things very differently and I see where she is going with it. I will put it all aside and let time do its thing. She expresses sometimes that she feels lonely and she feels that no one is there for her. But you cant force someone to want your help especially if that person blames you.  So again I will step aside.

[skeebo1969]

   Since you've found us perhaps a nice gesture would be to point her in this direction, tell her about the forums I mean.  Some people are able to find great comfort in the beginning seeing how others have managed living with this disease.  There is a Women's Forum here where she can meet others who have walked the road she's on.   I think it would really help her.

[imashadow]

I have referred her to come to this site and I have even been on it with her. I dont know if she has signed up or will sign up or maybe she has already. She is extremely stubborn to the point where it negatively affects her and she is still very much in denial and still in the blaming stage. She has told me she wants to meet a woman thats around her age range and in the same situation and I told her that she will most likely find one here. But in the end its up to her. I cant help her if she doesnt want my help.