I'ts not good news

[Haafdan]

Hello,

First of all, sorry for my bad english. I´ll do my best for making myself clear. Sorry if I'm not able to.
I was diagnosed four weeks and five days ago. I was waiting for the results of a blood test, some strange adenopathies in my neck had appeared a few weeks ago. I asked a friend of mine, who is a doctor, for a blood test in order to know what was happening. An entire week passed before I knew the results. It seemed quite more since I could see how it was completed day by day from my job... except for the HIV test. Sometimes, I thought it would be just a delay, that I would be mocking myself for my fears in a few days, specially when I remembered that I never had had sex without a condom. Some other times, I got really scared and thoughrt something that I have repeated so many times these days: It can't be. It could.
I was in the gym with my bf. I can remember every exact detail of the moment my friend texted me "Can I phone you?". I looked my bf and told him he was asking me if he could pay me a call. He tried to reassure me. The phone began to rang, I was trembling. I leaned to a machine so anybody could see it. I answered the phone and I believe we greeted each other. I don't know for sure. The last thing I remember clearly is the voice of my friend saying "It's not good news". I can even recall his tone. He is a shy person. He probably knew it days before he told me. He just didn't know how to tell me that I had got infected. I don't know how I did get out of there. My bf took me out. I remember I was crying but no tears came out. I could not speak, nor hear. I just acted like a puppet, I walked beside my bf in the street and then I thought I was going to be positive for the rest of my life. It bursted into my mind and I told my boyfriend that I was going to kill myself. And I meant it. Suddenly I was perfectly calm and I was making plans for my own death and my poor bf, the man of my life, was crying, begging me for not doing that. Somehow, we arrived home and since then I have arranged my days so I don't have the time to think about anything. I just feel horrible when I do. I want to live on but just because of my bf. I feel sorry for all the horrible things I've told him these days. I wouldn't know what to do with my life if I didn't have him.
Tomorrow I'm having an appointment with my doctor, the one who is going to decide my treatment. I suppose I'm better that day 1 but I feel that it'll take a lifetime to get used to this. My previous life has ended and even if I think that I can build a new one, it's no use because I feel that I've just been kicked out.

Thank you so much for reading this.

[TheDancingCookie]

Hi H, I was diagnosed last Friday (five days ago but it feels like months!). Please know that someone else in the world is going through the same things as you. It has helped me to come to these forums and read about others who are recently diagnosed. Knowing it's not just me makes me feel less lonely and less isolated. Thanks for sharing and good luck on your journey.

[Jeff G]

Welcome to the forums Haafdan !

[vertigo]

Hi Haafdan,

First of all, welcome to the forums and big hugs, love and empathy your way.

Getting an HIV diagnosis is never good news.  It's disorienting and life changing and not what any of us had in mind.  But it's also just a stupid crappy little virus, and the days when it could run rampant in your body are over.  The meds today are excellent, and with treatment you'll find that you can still have much the same life as you had planned.

Thanks for sharing and keep your chin up.  The first few weeks can be pretty rough emotionally, but you will be OK!

[Haafdan]

Thank you for your support. Today I had the appointment with my dr. Life is something that can surprise you to no end. And it can also scare you to no end. I knew the person who was before me with the doctor. His boyfriend came out almost running and crying. There was no need to say what had happened being in the waiting room of an infectious disease department. The doctor was not very kind. Even before I could say I have a partner, even before having the results of the new blood tests (VL, CD4, etc), he said: "There's no need for treatment right now". I know this is false. I fear to infect my bf more than anything else. We've had a little argument and I've decided to change of hospital and doctor. That's not easy in my country. At least you don't have to pay for the treatment... for now. When I was waiting for my BT samples to be taken, I bumped again into these friends. One writing fast in his phone, wearing sunglasses inside the building, the other with his right arm waiting for the needle, just like me. After that, we changed some quick nervous words and said goodbye. A friend texted my bf when we arrived home. He knew I had to go to the dr. but I didn’t told him why. “Now it’s my turn”, he wrote. My bf and I looked each other. I couldn’t be but, again, it was. “My dr. diagnosed me HIV two weeks ago”. My bf started to cry and I phoned him. I tried to make my best to reassure him and I told him the truth. Just trying to help him didn’t seem honest to me. I don’t know what is happening. How many people are infected? When are the governments or WHO going to do something about it? I feel really sad.

[NewAdventure1]

Sorry for your diagnosis.

I just tested positive at the first of June. It is an overwhelming feeling, but you're not alone.
Best of wishes.

[zach]

just saying whats up to... 3 of you! haffdan, sounds nordic, am i near? cookie, seen you before but didn't really bro hug. newadventure, your name alone speaks volumes, you got this

the ride sucks at first
keep your head together
trust the meds
TAKE YOUR MEDS... alarm clock, weekly pill counters, keyfob extra, all that helps
don't have irrational fears about side effects
its ok to experience every fucked up emotion you're going to go through
go slow, steady pace, this is a long run. lot of us burn hot and quick, then melt
some minor things in life change.... but life is still good
live damn you live!!

[hivtalian]

hi new guys,
I was diagnosed last december, and it really sucks...
I started haart beginning of january, with an amazing doctor who trusts early therapy is the best choice (i was diagnosed in the acute phase after an acute retroviral syndrome) and well, still sucks but I'm ok, my life goes on and pills are my best friends, phisically and psychologically.
I had 59 vl and my cd4 were 900 three months ago, after 3 months of therapy.
This morning I had my blood sample. Crossing fingers.

YOu are not alone, just trust a good doctor and take your pills, workout, eat healthy, improve your skills in anything. The only big issue is often for the others, because most don't know how it is today, and they are feared. My biggest issue is thinking about telling my status, and still I havent'had the chance, it will be next step... The way is slow but improving.

Good luck everyone, and keep us posted. hugs.

[NewAdventure1]

Hey guys.

Thanks for the words of kindness!