Entering the dating world after testing poz

[Jenna106]

Hi everyone, I'm new to these boards, but have been reading here awhile.

I'm 24 and I tested poz about a year ago. Since then I haven't dated. A guy friend has asked me out a few times. He is a sweet guy and I hate having to turn him down. Now I kind of think that I should tell him and maybe see if dating after testing poz will be ok for me.

[MzLady]

I dont know about straight out telling him just yet. I would somehow introduce the topic of HIV to him and ask him how he feels about it. If it seems that he can handle it and there is no chance of loosing him as a friend once he finds out, then you should be okay.

[Ann]

Hi Jenna, welcome to the forums.

I always tell first. You'd be surprised how often it isn't a problem. One thing to keep in mind is your own attitude and state of mind when you do disclose. If you act like it's a big horrible secret, he's going to take the news like it's a big horrible secret. People really do pick up on how we feel about our virus ourselves and they tend to treat us accordingly.

If you approach it as matter-of-fact and just a part of your life, chances are very good that's how he will see it too. If you either consciously OR unconsciously convey that you're ashamed of your virus or that you're very frightened of it, he will pick up on that.

Make sure you know some transmission facts, like the fact that condoms have been proven to prevent hiv infection, and hiv transmission is MUCH more difficult to transmit from a woman to a man. Oral sex - either way - isn't a risk. All you need to do to protect your partner's hiv status is to make sure he's wearing a condom for anal or vaginal intercourse.

Make sure you don't make the mistake of putting off telling him for too long. If you hit it off and you both really like each other and want to take things further, the longer you leave telling him, the harder it will be to tell him. And once you do tell him, if you've left it for too long, he's going to feel like you've been lying to him about something very important. That will not foster trust.


As for this specific situation with this specific guy, there's no harm in going out on a date with him. Get to know him before you get intimate. Don't let him push you into sex before you're ready - and ready to tell him. If he doesn't want to wait and continues to push, then he doesn't have your best interest at heart and so probably isn't worth it anyway. A guy who honestly cares about you - and not just what's inside your knickers - will be happy to wait.

Good luck hun. Disclosure isn't easy, but it's a must and it does get easier in time. There will be a guy - many guys, in fact - that will be ok with your status. Please remember that you can still have children so don't ever think that may be a deal breaker with a guy.

For what it's worth, I always disclose and I've never had a guy turn me down because of my status. Hell, I've even tried to use it a time or two to put a pesky guy off who I wasn't interested in, and it never works. And I'm no beauty or particularly great catch - I'm just your average middle aged woman!

Hugs,
Ann
xxx

[Jenna106]

I'm getting together with him this weekend to tell him about my status.

[vivyt]

I am curious to hear how it goes. I was diagnosed in 2007 and have pretty much shut myself off from guys. The idea of telling someone is scary. Please let us know 

Ann: It makes me feel a little better to hear that.

[Jenna106]

I told him on Sunday. Things went ok and he wasn't extremely freaked out and I told a lot of facts. He said that he still wants to date me. He is gone on business for the next two weeks, so we probably won't go out at least for another 3 or 4 weeks.

[camille07]

Hi Ladies-

I was diagnosed in 2006.  I had dated 2 guys who neg and I told one right away and he didn't blink. That relationship didn't work out because he was very controlling.   I told the other guy, about a 2 weeks later when we were going to take it farther.  He had a problem with in every other week.   This went on for a year.  I look back and should have kicked him to the curb.  I thought I was in love ha!

Then I met my husband.  We had known each other 20 years before.  Love of my life actually.  We started the old fashion way of dating just movies and dates.  This was the most difficult to tell, because I know that it's hard for people.  But long story short, I took him to my ID doctor and a lot of prayer goes a long way. 

Good luck Jenna!  Doesn't seem so long when I was in the same place

Hugs,

Camms

[vivyt]

Ladies I can't tell you how good that makes me feel. I have totally put a wall up because I am so afraid to have that "talk". Makes me feel like there is hope 

Andrea

[camille07]

Hi Andrea-

There's always hope!

Good to see you....it's been a while.

[vivyt]

Camille,

Yes, it was way too long. It feels good to be back   

[jahcureme]

New to the site..poz since 89..been undetcted since 2006. I have a 19 yr old son...I was married lost husband 2003..I have been totally sex/companion free for 9yrs..very frustarted at this point !! Mostly, I wanted to give my son all of me I didn't want to share my time. But he leaves for military in 3 months. But MAINLY because, I just didn't want to have the talk so when approached I'd push them away. Fearing the talk and the after. Thank you Ann you just really put everything in prospective for me! I think I'm ready to date and have that talk !! I'm confident and knowledgable enough about HIV that I can have that talk. I just couldn't figure out the approach..So again THANKS for this topic !!

[Ann]

Hi Jahcureme, welcome to the forums!

I'm happy to hear you found this discussion helpful.

You're at a very exciting time of your life - your son is starting out on his own and you can now have a life that doesn't revolve around him! Keep looking at this as an exciting, new beginning and you won't go far wrong.

Now is the time you can take a class or get involved in a hobby you always thought about doing but never had the time. You may find that you'll meet new people when taking classes, or even getting involved in a local gardening or photography club or whatever. Check your local paper for details of clubs like this. Some grocery stores have bulletin boards where clubs advertise. Exercise classes or gyms are also sometimes good places to meet people.

Good luck. I hope you meet that special someone. He's out there, you just have to find him - or put yourself in situations (clubs, classes etc) where he can find you!

Keep your chin up, and keep us posted. I'd love to hear more from you.

Hugs,
Ann
xxx

[jahcureme]

Its funny you mentioned those things..I really feel like this is a new stage in life. Years ago I wouldn't of thought I'd be here. But I am !!!! I will be starting classes after my son leaves. Even thinking about finding some local groups with those who share my same walk. What you think about that? I've been venturing out to the club/bars without friends. Just trying to start a NEW. Thanks for the HOPE  and I will keep ya posted.

[Ann]

I have a 24 y/o daughter - soon to be 25. It's only been in the past year that she has completely/permanently moved out of my house and I feel like it's a new chapter in my life, so I can relate to where you're at now. It really IS a new stage in your life - a new lease on life even. And it's fantastic that you're still here. Being diagnosed in 89 must have been terrifying, but you made it!

Someone told me when I was newly diagnosed that I'd still be here to see my daughter graduate, I'd be here to dance at her wedding and bounce her babies on my knee. That was (and still is) the reality of being diagnosed post '96 so I was really lucky in that regard. The prognosis wasn't so rosy in '89 and it must have taken a lot of strength to get through those early days. Congratulations - I'm glad you're still here and doing well and looking forward to what the future brings. That's an accomplishment to be proud of.

[bragging]My daughter is the best thing that ever happened to me. She still lived with me during the summer and term-time breaks while she attended university, but now she's teaching primary school (six and seven year olds - year 2 in the UK) over in Lowestoft, England, on the south-east coast. The kids absolutely love her - she's been told by the head teacher (same as principal in the US) and other teaching staff that she's a natural.

I live on an island in the middle of the Irish Sea called the Isle of Man. I still get to see her from time to time during term-time breaks and in the summer, but she moved her furniture and whatnot into her father's new house (on the island) because she worries more about him than me. (I'm more self-sufficient than her father!)

I'm so proud of her I could just burst. She dealt/coped with my diagnosis very well - I was diagnosed when she was a couple months away from her 14th birthday and I told her shortly after diagnosis. I think my diagnosis gave her an added depth of compassion for others. I'm so proud to be privileged to call her daughter - and friend.[/bragging]

I admit to having some pangs of "empty nest syndrome", but we keep in regular touch (phone and skype) and that helps a lot. Although I haven't joined any clubs or taken any classes myself, I did join a pool league that meets on Tuesday nights and I've made a lot of new friends that way. I've also traded bedrooms and I'm in the process of turning my old bedroom into a library/study, so my living room is no longer crowded with all my books (I have nearly 2000).

I can't wait until she moves back to the island and starts a family. It's funny, it's like being broody but in a different way to being broody in my 20s. For the past five years, she's been dating an army lad who is currently stationed in the south of England, but he also wants to come back to the island when they marry and start a family. I can't wait to have her close again and I'm really looking forward to having grandchildren to fuss over - and hand back!

I think it's fantastic that you're thinking about finding others with similar interests to you. And kudos to you for having the self-confidence to go out on your own! I go to the local pubs on my own all the time, but I live in a very small, tight-knit community where everyone pretty much knows everyone else and so there's always someone there I know and can sit and talk with.

The only thing with limiting yourself to going to bars and nightclubs to meet other is - you never know who you're going to meet. If you join some clubs that interest you, you're much more likely to find others who share your interests.

Good luck - and keep posting. I'm looking forward to hearing about your journey.

[jahcureme]

I'm really relating here and I love it !! Same senario with my son..Only difference he learned at 10 when his father..my husband passed. So hes been living and dealing with this as my right hand. He's very imformed even did a couple of papers on HIV while in school. I'm proud that through out all of our trials he still managed to stay focused. I totally agree with that compasion thing,because my son is very compasionate for others. And most important he lives by the NO GLOVE NO LOVE motto...I know that my diagnosis is his drive as well to live his life to the fullest and to love himself first !! I can say I too am a PROUD parent and survivor !! I tell him all the time we made it !! We beat alot of odds here. Its a reason for this !! Yea I was told that once he leaves for military I will start to experience the emptiness syndrome. But I welcome it ! Because at least I know I've done my job as a parent, because hes making way for his own future. Something I was told years ago I may not see !!!