POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Positive Women => Topic started by: niecy_nurse on September 16, 2012, 04:20:52 am
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I am a 45 yr old African American female who was recently diagnosed with HIV. It has taken me 2 months to come to grips with my diagnosis.
I started my meds and I am feeling great. I am in love with a wonderful man who I have been involved with off and on for the past 8 yrs. The hardest part is getting up the nerve to tell him about my diagnosis. We have a long distance relationship and he is flying over for a visit.
For you ladies who had to reveal this diagnosis, how do I tell him?
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Hi Niecy
Welcome to the forums.
I know its not easy disclosing your HIV status to anyone, more so a partner. However, its something that is a legal obligation these days in some parts of the world and you may want to take that into account.
The first guy I dated post diagnosis was negative, and someone who knew me for a long time before I was diagnosed. He had a romantic interest in me before I was diagnosed and we were in a sort of long-distance relationship and were planning to meet for the first time in the capacity of girlfriend/boyfriend. Our first phone call post diagnosis, he felt something was wrong with me and he asked me. I did not hesitate. I told him I had just tested positive. He stood by me, told me he still wanted to meet and was willing to be with me positive or not. We met a few months later, and it was wonderful....unfortunately things did not work out after a while (not because of my status) and we both moved on and are best friends today.
I know my case might be different, but I feel that if you wish to enjoy a relationship with this man you have to tell him, and give him the choice of standing by you or letting go. If he stays, he is worth it...if not, you're better off without.
Wishing you the best.
Hugs
Karry
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Hi Niecy,
Welcome. I'm unclear on something that may, or may not, be a factor in when you tell him. You note you've been on again/off again. Were you in "off" mod when you became infected, or on? That, to me, makes a difference if he thought you were committed to the relationship or if both parties had agreed to see other people.
For me, I'd use the same communication mode and timing no matter what and tell him before began the journey -- giving him enough time to back out, get a refund on airfare, etc. This is because the visit is based on expectations of rejoining and if it's a solid enough relationship to override a status change, you'll learn that before he arrives, not during the visit, or after he leaves.
For me, it's best to get it out in the open early. It's fair to him and you've got to get it out sooner or later. Stings no matter when, but there's also relief, too.
Em
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Hi Niecy
Welcome to the forums.
I know its not easy disclosing your HIV status to anyone, more so a partner. However, its something that is a legal obligation these days in some parts of the world and you may want to take that into account.
The first guy I dated post diagnosis was negative, and someone who knew me for a long time before I was diagnosed. He had a romantic interest in me before I was diagnosed and we were in a sort of long-distance relationship and were planning to meet for the first time in the capacity of girlfriend/boyfriend. Our first phone call post diagnosis, he felt something was wrong with me and he asked me. I did not hesitate. I told him I had just tested positive. He stood by me, told me he still wanted to meet and was willing to be with me positive or not. We met a few months later, and it was wonderful....unfortunately things did not work out after a while (not because of my status) and we both moved on and are best friends today.
I know my case might be different, but I feel that if you wish to enjoy a relationship with this man you have to tell him, and give him the choice of standing by you or letting go. If he stays, he is worth it...if not, you're better off without.
Wishing you the best.
Hugs
Karry
Thanks for responding. I am definitely going to tell him. We have slept together numerous times before I found out my diagnosis. I last tested negative in January 2011. I am not sure if I contracted HIV from him or my ex boyfriend. I haven't really thought about where I got it. I just want to concentrate on my health and his. Thanks for the advice.
Niecy
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Hi Niecy,
Welcome. I'm unclear on something that may, or may not, be a factor in when you tell him. You note you've been on again/off again. Were you in "off" mod when you became infected, or on? That, to me, makes a difference if he thought you were committed to the relationship or if both parties had agreed to see other people.
For me, I'd use the same communication mode and timing no matter what and tell them before they began the journey -- giving them enough time to back out, get a refund on airfare, etc. This is because the visit is based on expectations of rejoining and if it's a solid enough relationship to override a status change, you'll learn that before he arrives, not during the visit, or after he leaves.
For me, it's best to get it out in the open early. It's fair to him and you've got to get it out sooner or later. Stings no matter when, but there's also relief, too.
Em
Thanks for the welcome. We were both seeing other people, so we were not in a committed relationship. With that said, he could have infected me or I him. I just happened to be the one that got tested. I am going to break the news to him this week because I want him to get tested. I worry about his state of mind if he is positive. I am still going to love him regardless.
Niecy
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I understand better now. Thanks. I hope you have a good visit.
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I'd tell him before he made the journey....