Feeling alone in a room full of people

[woodshere]

I am very active in my church.  If there is an activity going on I am pretty much involved in some way.  All the little ladies know me and are trying to find a man for me, the kids know me from teaching Sunday School and families know me from cooking the fellowship meal every Wed. Although not on staff some people think I am.  I point this out simply to let you know most everyone in church knows me.  So why is it tonight at our talent show, I felt completely alone amongst 150 members of my church family.  I became sad as I saw the families and couples laughing and enjoying themselves.  I was particularly touched by the woman that was signing a lovely song for her deaf boyfriend.  I smiled and thought how wonderful when I saw the 70 year old grandmother, who 5 years ago realized she was a lesbian, sitting with her partner.  I saw young couples about to be married and new parents, and slowly a sadness began to engulf me that became too much and I had to leave.  I went to our dimly lit sanctuary with its stone walls and moon soaked stained glass windows and I cried and then I sobbed.  It had nothing to do with HIV. Selfishly I was overwhelmed with sadness that I was alone without my special someone, even though there was a room full of people who would do anything for me that I asked.  I sat and stared at the ceiling listening to the silence while I felt sorry for myself.  After about 10 minutes I composed myself and returned for the final part of the program.  It was then that I saw a couple who last year lost their daughter in a tragic alligator attack in Florida. The pain, the sadness, the lose they must deal with on a daily basis, I cannot possibly imagine.  It really put my feelings of loneliness in perspective and made me grateful for all the special people that are in my life.

Feeling Content,
Woods

[Longislander]

sweet ending Woods, but there's much to be said about someone to share your life with. It does get tough watching such simple things as a couple in a store shopping together, or walking together, whatever, then going home to an empty house.

He'll show up eventually. You're out there, at least you've got the scouts out!!

[rick21007]

Hey Woods----I can really appreciate your posting.  Fact is there are a lot of us who just were not designed to go it alone without a mate, no matter how you cut it.  Loneliness is that emotion that motivates us to keep searching until we do find a mate.  I wish you the best to find that special guy--or that he will find you.

Rick

[koi1]

In times like those, I'm glad you have jesus. We all need an imaginary friend.

rob

[dtwpuck]

Woods, you are such a special, attractive and loving guy.  I know that you will make someone very happy someday, and he will do the same for you.  I know it's hard to be patient, but it will come.  In the meantime, you should probably know that if even the smallest part of the kindness and love you display here comes through in real life, that you truly deserve a man who will sweep you off your feet and cherish you for the beautiful person that you are.

Many hugs,
Scott

[bravebuddharich]

I certainly can relate - I especially feel lonely on weekends, when I would like to spend time with a special someone. I had a five year relationship when I was in my late 20's, early 30's - I'm now 42, and I despair of ever meeting anyone I really like who will like me back (love, actually). It's the reciprocation part of the equation that has eluded me. I hate it when people tell me how wonderful it is to be single, yet they usually are NOT single themselves! I'd rather have a mate - I want the handholding, the kisses, the sweetness, and even the work of a relationship! The feeling valued, being able to share one's day with, to have the "easy silence" that the dixie chicks sing about in their beautiful song. I've run out of ideas as to how exactly to meet single gay men, esp. ones who won't freak out over my HIV status!!!

Rich from Boston, who wants to know if anybody knows any cute available poz men in Boston??

[Jnm594]

made me grateful for all the special people that are in my life.

Amen, brother, Amen.

I believe that my faith has played a huge and crucial role in helping me put one foot in front of the other and learning how to live a new life.

As for men, I do believe that there is someone out there for me but I don't know when he's going to show up, that is the frustrating part. I can love my family, my friends, my dogs, my church, my God but still desire someone to hold and be held by, and not having that breaks my heart a little more each day.

I see young couples at church so full of life and hope, and older couples so in tune with each other that they seem like one person. I see little kids laugh and so alive, teenagers trying to be sooooo cool and so on and so on.. And then there's me who's also there and a respected member of my community, cleans up pretty well, a good guy, a good friend, just a good person. Just a good person who is alone. And I have to wonder what I did to be sitting here all by myself. Wondering if I'm going to be by myself forever and thinking how to accept that.

But a church going, hard working, stand up, gay man who isn't into all the "stuff" doesn't seem the stand a chance. But I haven't given up hope that someday I'll look up and he'll be there and don't you either! He's out there just waiting to run into you!

 

If you're ever in Colorado I'd give my right arm to take you to dinner!

[DanielMark]

Woody,

(I hope this won’t be too presumptuous.)

I was deeply moved by the honest account of your evening and more so by your obvious insight into your psyche/mind/heart/soul. You seem to be a decent intelligent and sensitive guy. Clearly you are someone who would have a lot to bring to a loving partnership.

If you keep attuned to people around you, if and when it is meant for you to cross paths with someone with similar potential you're halfway home. The odd (sometimes frustrating) thing is, I've never been able to predict when or where that would happen in my own life, or cause it to be. Honestly, it’s usually when I least expected it.

Keep close to your God and I know he will bring an answer to your loneliness. He did to mine, more than once and in a variety of ways. Trust in that and try not to get too discouraged by the waiting. Meanwhile, ignore the nay sayers and keep involved in life.

I say just keep following your “honest heart” and when the time is right I bet you will meet someone who will be just the right someone for you.

Daniel

[tigger2376]

Its so good to see this thread and be able to say it CAN happen. My (negative) partner met me again after a gap of 15 years, two years after my diagnosis, and we are now living together. we have our problems as any couple do but I never thought it would happen
As Dave Allen used to say 'may your god go with you'....and from me, I hope you find the person you so richly deserve. Men who are as open and thoughtful as those who have posted here are few and far between in my experience
You are going to make someone very happy
X

[Buckmark]

Woods,

If it helps any, I've certainly felt the same way in similar situations, in both
large and small groups:  a feeling of overwhelming aloneness and sadness
when I see people with their partners and families, sharing not only special
events but ordinary occasions.  I don't think it is selfish to feel this way.

What helps me snap out of it is to remind myself how lucky
I am to have the important people who are in my life, and how fortunate
I have been in many respects.  I still can't help but wonder if I will ever
meet that special guy to be my mate.  Maybe; maybe not -- there's just
no telling.  I'm just trying to learn to be happy either way (which, for me,
is easier said than done).

I do wish you freedom from your loneliness, and one way to do that is
to reach out to others -- as you have done here.

Regards,

Henry

[indyguy]

Boy do I feel ya!

[poet]

Woods, I could take your image and move it to Chelsea, NYC with 'only' gay male couples on the sidewalk, talking to each other, shopping, having meals together and there I was, walking a dog but otherwise alone.  If you are totally jaded, you can take a writer's look at the couples and, by listening, believe that you are actually glad to not be either one in them.  If you are among your church members, you might be only able to be glad that he will show up and he will measure up because you know what they have and what you are also in need of.  Wishing that this happens soon for you.  Best, Win

[Ihavehope]

I can comprehend what you feel. It is not easy to be alone but neither are relationships. Now I know why people who are in love for many years and stick together say love is a priveledge.

[DanielMark]

One thing I’ve learned over the years is how healthy Love relationships (like any really) take work! If both parties don't know that from the onset they are doomed to fail. The perks can be great, but the little hurts and disagreements that don’t get mended can spell disaster.

What's that saying? Be careful what you hope for cos you just might get it.

Daniel

[tigger2376]

Thats so true. I think a full time realationship is like a full time job, often frustrating, is sometimes a daily grind but God, when its good it makes you so damn happy doesn't matter if it makes you a millionaire!!
I'm by no means smug in my situation. Because my partner is negative can still feel the same way as you Woods
xx

[LatinAlexander]

Get me in...

I also feel so lonely... And actualy scared, because of my status.

I just wanna wake up one morning, being cuddled with that someone special.. SOmetimes, I just wonder if that is ever going to happen. And if it happens...Will it be too late?


ALex