5 month and still heart broken

[komeokla]

It's been 5 month since I tested POZ. My 6 years partner left me. I lost everything we built together. At this moment I am getting on mt feet. Still angry and sad about myself. My own reckless choice and caused the love of my life left me. But I am glad I didn't pass the virus to him.
I don't feel about anything anymore. Not sure I am heart broken about getting POZ or my partner left me....

[BT65]

Komeokla, first, let me welcome you to the forums. 

Five months, aye?  You're still adjusting to being HIV+.  It takes awhile, believe me.  I was diagnosed in 1989 and it took me, oh, I don't actually remember how long.  I'm really sorry about your partner leaving you.  That's yet another adjustment to make, isn't it.  My first husband infected me, and he passed away three days after I got my diagnosis.  That's good news that your former partner is HIV-. 

Give yourself time.  And talk about it.  Don't keep things bottled up, it only makes life worse.  I used to try to hide everything I was feeling, and it hurt my health (both physical and mental) considerably. 

Are you seeing a good doctor?  And getting your labs etc.?  That's very important.  I don't know where you live, but if there's an Aid Service Organization in your town or an adjacent town, you really might want to get in touch with them.  They might have a good support group you could get into and meet other people.  You also might want to get into some counseling to help you deal with all these new changes in your life.  I still see a therapist and it helps me tremendously. 

We're here also.  Just keep talking about things, and eventually the pressure will ease up. Honest.
  Luv,
Betty

[Life]

Komeokla,  welcome to this safe place....   A relationship ended based off a pos diagnosis?  Well, if it was not hiv, it would have been something else down the road as I see it honey.   Please give yourself a little break from the remorse thing.   You deserve it..   Its going to hurt for a while.  As Betty said, keep talking and do not bottle all these emotions into some nice little package...   You can turn this around and life is still as precious now as it was before all of this started...   If you do not believe me, just keep reading posts and asking for help.

Hugs,

Eric

[komeokla]

Thanks for your reply.
I have been testing and seeing doc since my result came back. I am going to see my doc for the third time next monday and hope my CD4 is bouncing back. I am far away in HK. I can not tell my family as this will break their heart. I don't want to tell my friends either since I have no idea how they react. I only talk to the nurse in the hospital so it's very hard for me but life has to go on and I have my own business to run. I need to be very strong but on the other hand I just don't know I will have the strength to go on. That's why I made my heart dead so I won't feel a thing. Sorry I am still feeling strange to come here but i do need to talk to someone to help otherwise i think I am going mad.

[komeokla]

For my relationship. I didn't blame my partner at all. I betray him betray his trust. I told him my test result two weeks later I got a e-mail from him to break out with me and ask me to move out from our home we built together. It's hard I am also a bit angry about us how we end our relationship this why. 6 years to him just meant nothing.

I got infected by someone I know long ago. We had history before. last Oct he came to HK says he broke up with his BF and we get together and we had sex. Two month later I tested poz and I told him to test. Guess his BF broken up and left him with this virus. To him I don't know how I should feel about him. I am angry the choice we made but i don't think he knew he was poz when we had sex. I feel sorry for him and want to support him but on the other hand I am also angry I got the virus from him and change everything I have

[komnaes]

There are a few of us from Hongkong hanging out here. Other than the nurses (and they're good, whetherr you're going to QE or the new one in Kowloon Bay), have you got in touch with volunteers from AIDS Foundation or AIDS Concern? I go to a support group in AIDS Foundation and I did some volunteering myself before, so I know they can be helpful. Send me a private massage (PM) if you need any referrals.

About breaking the news to family/friends, we all need to figure out how to do by ourselves. You will learn that there are far more people you know are living with HIV than you might think. It's important to have some supports and if you cannot or don't feel comfortable getting them from family and friends, try to reach out to groups that can help and understand.

Wish you the best of luck, Shaun

[BT65]

Komeokla,

Personally, I think the way your (ex)boyfriend handled breaking up with you very cowardice.  An e-mail?  So, he didn't even do it to your face.  That shows a lack of maturity to me.  I know you're heartbroken now, but trust me, time will heal this wound.

As for the guy who infected you, the emotions you have (anger, wanting to support him) are completely normal and not foreign to those of us who have had a similar situation.  I don't believe my 1st husband knew he had the virus.  He had other vices that kept him preoccupied (he was a severe alcoholic).  I remember getting very angry and going to his grave site and shouting at him.  Eventually I forgave him.  Everything takes time, babe. 

I really encourage you to find some support helping you deal with your issues.  It will help tremendously.
  Luv,
Betty

[komeokla]

Hi Betty,

Guess when the loving and caring are gone. How you broke up with the one you didn't care anymore doesn't really matter anymore.

I am glad I didn't pass the virus to him. At least I don't have to live with this guilt.

I am checking the help group in HK here and will just let time to heal myself.

[Peter Staley]

komeokla -- welcome to our site.  I'm glad you found us.

And yes, we have others from Hong Kong living with HIV in our forums.  komnaes posted a message to you in this thread, and if you want to send him a private message, just click the little or symbol under his avatar to the left of his message in this thread.

Also, when dealing with disclosure issues with friends and family, we have a lesson on AIDSmeds that's very helpful with advice on this:

To Tell or Not To Tell: Disclosing Your HIV Status

Peter Staley
Founder
AIDSmeds.com