POZ Community Forums
Off Topic Forums => Off Topic Forum => Topic started by: Dennis on August 19, 2009, 11:40:47 pm
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Will someone please help me pry the asshole magnet from my forehead. In the past few years I seem to attract the most unsavory of the gay male species. Are there any single gay men out there that aren't alcholics, drug addicts, married, or still attached to the ass of their ex-partner?
Today I had a first date. It started out well enough. I picked him up and went down to South Beach. We had lunch at the Ritz Carlton and headed out to the beach for some sun. I was laying there listening to the serene sound of the waves crash against the shore when all of the sudden I hear this high pitch screaching noise. I opened my eyes to find my dates partner yelling and kicking sand. Needless to say, I grabbed my shit and left his ass there.
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Are there any single gay men out there that aren't alcholics, drug addicts, married, or still attached to the ass of their ex-partner?
My aren't we picky and while I hear you Dennis, you don't exactly live in the best area for sober down to earth types. Sure great guys exist, but they are also out dodging jealous boyfriends on their miserable dates with one of the aforementioned guys. Sadly assholes are everywhere, but you are far too young to give up on love. I found it much easier to look for friends first and if something developed then great, if not, then nobody has to leave feeling dejected. We all bruise and sometimes too easily, but if you don't put yourself out there... how will that special guy know you exist?
Nobody said finding love would be easy and if nothing else, you have some great horror date tales. I hope you are laughing, because you don't smile enough and something tells me that part of you, does not believe you are truly worthy of love. I hope you know that is untrue, but history can be a hard mistress. You know of what I speak and I urge you to work at letting go of the past, so that you may reach for your future.
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Will someone please help me pry the asshole magnet from my forehead. In the past few years I seem to attract the most unsavory of the gay male species. Are there any single gay men out there that aren't alcholics, drug addicts, married, or still attached to the ass of their ex-partner?
It may not have been the original intent of your post, but you had me laughing really hard ;D
I have been asking the same question ever since I moved to this city. I think I bought that same magnet from the same manufacturer 14 years ago.
M. in Miami
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Wow, Dennis! Incredible story~
I always asks about BF's pretty much right away. Drugs and ass-attachments , too. ;)
Joe's right, for a good-looking guy who seems pretty nice, you really don't smile enough. (Not a judgment, just an observation)
I hope he at least paid for his own lunch!?
Paul
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I don't know, but I think repeating past mistakes might just be a self-fulfilling prophecy. There's a cottage industry of self-help books on the subject and it's an endless topic of talk shows. If someone keeps repeating the same mistake by choosing losers, it's time for a little reflection. It might not be them after all.
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I don't have anything really enlightening to say, but Joe gives some good advice. Although D and I met online, AOL of all places (hey, it was the last century!), we were 'introduced' online by a mutual friend. Knowing something - anything - about the guy one's planning on going out with can help immensely. Things such as ex's, addictions, criminal activity, etc are likely to be known by an individual's friends.
When I was single, I used to 'meet' a lot of guys online. I made a few friends that way and had a lot of sex. Either was fine. Basically, I was alright with whatever happened - a date, sex, conversation, friendship, or a romance. Fortunately, D and I hit it off really well that first night... and the next, and the next, and the next, and... you get the idea. Keep on meeting guys, but perhaps lowering your expectations would lead to less drama for you. Of course, having lunch and going to the beach with a guy should be pretty straightforward, but it obviously wasn't in this case, so I can't fault you there. When the guy is right, it'll happen. In the meantime, smile, relax, and have fun!
David (who thinks asshole magnets should be on refrigerator doors and not foreheads ;) )
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Dennis,
I certainly don't have any earth-shaking words of wisdom for you, but.......
I do recall a thread earlier this year about someone from work where there seemed to be a mutual attraction. I know you decided that pursuing a romantic relationship from the "office" was fraught with peril, so decided against it. I said it then and I'll say it again (in line with Joe's advice), what danger is there in two friends from work getting together on a regular basis to hang out, have dinner, go to the beach, etc, etc. You might be able to really get to know him and then when your student teaching is over, perhaps, you'll both be ready to take it to another level. OR....... as you get to know each other, you might take that step earlier.
All I'm saying is, you DID seem to push someone away that seemed to be a "non-asshole". Just a thought!
Sid and I met at an AA mtg, so our "addictions" were front and center. We took things very slowly, got to know each other before having sex (a first for me....) and well, for the past 19 yrs he's been the luckiest man on earth. ;D ::)
Hugs,
Mike
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That story gave me an early morning chuckle as I've been there myself. I'm sure it wasn't funny at the time and I'm sorry you had to go through that scene. I definitely think there are "good guys" out there although it can seem as easy as finding a unicorn in a forest. If you find one, please make sure he has a sexy brother that you can slide over to me ;)
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Now this made me laugh. As if I CHOOSE these types on purpose! In fact, I very rarely, if ever, make the first approach...unless all I'm interested in sex :D And as a matter of fact, I did meet this guy through friends. Or should say, through a friend of a mutual friend who join us for dinner this past Saturday. The guy seemd true enough. Well dressed, a successsful plastic surgeon, well spoken. I only presume if someone asks me on a date they're single.
I don't know, but I think repeating past mistakes might just be a self-fulfilling prophecy. There's a cottage industry of self-help books on the subject and it's an endless topic of talk shows. If someone keeps repeating the same mistake by choosing losers, it's time for a little reflection. It might not be them after all.
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I only presume if someone asks me on a date they're single.
A reasonable assumption -- but then again, men are such pigs!! ::)
Mike
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I think what Doxie was referring to is the "Kick Me" sign effect syndrome. You know, like what we all did in school.
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I think Mike had the more accurate analogy. "Men are pigs."
I refuse to take responsibility for someone elses addiction or cheating ways. I may be hippocritical here, because I at one time fell into both categories. However, I learned in my mid twenties this wasn't the person I wanted to be. For some reason, most gay men I come across seem to be quite happy (at least on the outside) with drinking and drugging it up while failing to realize the meaning of monogamy. I have no problem with those who operate within the realm of an open relationship. However, this obviously wasn't the case yesterday, or in the past.
I think what Doxie was referring to is the "Kick Me" sign effect syndrome. You know, like what we all did in school.
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Lower my expectations? I honestly don't think that's the answer when looking for a life partner.
Besides, I don't think asking for someone who is not addicted to crytal meth, alcohol, or who can keep their penis in their pants is asking too much.
...Keep on meeting guys, but perhaps lowering your expectations would lead to less drama for you.
David (who thinks asshole magnets should be on refrigerator doors and not foreheads ;) )
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Lower my expectations? I honestly don't think that's the answer when looking for a life partner.
Besides, I don't think asking for someone who is not addicted to crytal meth, alcohol, or who can keep their penis in their pants is asking too much.
I mean lowering expectations as to what to expect from a relationship as it develops, not as in lower standards - huge difference! In other words, quit looking for a 'life partner'; I think it's safe to say that looking for a 'life partner' doesn't work. Look for a nice, decent guy that you enjoy, respect, and trust (as well as have an attraction to). The 'life partner' part will come after that.
edited to add...
I think Mike had the more accurate analogy. "Men are pigs."
I refuse to take responsibility for someone elses addiction or cheating ways. I may be hippocritical here, because I at one time fell into both categories. However, I learned in my mid twenties this wasn't the person I wanted to be. For some reason, most gay men I come across seem to be quite happy (at least on the outside) with drinking and drugging it up while failing to realize the meaning of monogamy. I have no problem with those who operate within the realm of an open relationship. However, this obviously wasn't the case yesterday, or in the past.
If the part in bold is true, I think you're looking in the wrong places. Do D and I seem to fit the 'drinking and drugging' category? How about those who were at AMG? I don't think many of them would fit that description, either. Most of the gay men we know, while perhaps using a different set of rules for monogamy than most heterosexuals, are not the 'drinking and drugging' types either. I'm sure many are like this, but not the ones D and I know. There are plenty nice, attractive, gay men that are single - I know a bunch of 'em. You just need to get to know them as individuals first before any sort of other relationship develops.
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When I was single I dated a lot. I don't mean one night stands, although one of my best friends pointed out "oh, you have one night stands, they just last 3 months". Looking back they were mostly great guys but I was in my 20s and didn't really want a relationship. Maybe one reason why I look back on my relationships fondly is because I never had expectations of where things were going to go. I dated a guy in a fraternity that I had nothing in common with but he took me to parties and activities I would have never experienced otherwise. I dated a guy when I knew it would end in a year because I was moving across the country- it was awesome. My current partner I didn't even like when we first met.
I think the point is you can have high standards but it helps not to have high expectations.
BTW, I never dated anyone who had a drug or alcohol problem that I was aware of and none of my current friends use drugs or abuse alcohol.
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Dennis,
I think you have lots of great advice here. You are a fantastic man and you should absolutely stick to your "standards", but the point about your expectations of a relationship is a good one. go with the flow, learn about the guy, have fun and see what happens. Even if you spend weeks or months with a guy who isn't your "forever" man, you can still enjoy. It's funny how many people will say that they found their "Mr. Right" when they weren't really looking for him.....
Hugs,
Mike
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Dennis,
Confucius said, to find and honest man, first be honest yourself.
I take that to mean you need to work through yourself first, and you have to feel worthy to be the mate of a good man. No one can do that for you.
Good men do exist even out there in a drug, sex, and alcohol soaked world. I know. Make yourself proud of yourself and see what happens. Hint, it takes a lot of work and an ability to be honest with yourself, but in the end, your self confidence will shine through. Good men will see and act upon it.
Remember; it takes two to love and two to destroy it.
As for lowering your expectations, I wouldn't. In fact, I'd raise them by not accepting that which does not fulfill you.
Good luck and happy hunting.
Gib
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If it were meant to be, it will be. Every encounter, no matter how long or short, serves a purpose for the next journey. Your life partner, or lack of one, will happen, regardless, when it does. Sometimes when you least expect it, the right one will come along. It does happen. Be kind and forgiving to those who dun measure up. I do believe everyone tries to be their best but many do fall short through many factors. Life is such. And everyone wants to be loved and love cos no one really wants to be alone.
You did mention you were once in both category of vice but you sobered up and got better. So depending on your own values and beliefs, imagine what if someone you really liked then were to judge you and deemed you not a suitable decent human being, would you have had cursed him? He was probably looking out for himself too. I'm not saying that we do charities and pick up every stray but just stay open and be kinder. Everyone lives through their own destiny and has their own karma debts to pay. There is good and bad in every person/situation, barring the consistent extremes.
Many dun believe one can find Mr Right in cyber space, chat rooms, saunas. club..etc. The fact is, Mr. Right dun always exist in Sunday church, museums, theaters, doctors, entrepreneurs...you get the point. As and only when 2 hearts are truly open, a potential match will be made. You just need to be patient. Dun try to hard. ;)
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If it was the ex causing a scene, why did you trash the date. Maybe he is reasonable and left a monster.
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Screw all this "you have to find out who you first" crap.
He was right to ditch the date. He's had enough experience to know when to jet. If it was meant to be, the guy will find him, and possibly convince him to give it another chance.
It only takes one to love, and one to destroy love. Usually there's two people invested in the situation, but not always. It is a two-way street, but it doesn't take much for someone to decide they want to drive the other way and create a head-on collision. And that can happen in any leg of the roadtrip.
This was not Dennis's fault.
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Remember; it takes two to love and two to destroy it.
Ummm... Really??
I'd say that it often takes only one to destroy it.
Just saying........
Mike
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It only takes one to love
Honey, that's masturbation.
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Screw all this "you have to find out who you first" crap.
He was right to ditch the date. He's had enough experience to know when to jet. If it was meant to be, the guy will find him, and possibly convince him to give it another chance.
It only takes one to love, and one to destroy love. Usually there's two people invested in the situation, but not always. It is a two-way street, but it doesn't take much for someone to decide they want to drive the other way and create a head-on collision. And that can happen in any leg of the roadtrip.
This was not Dennis's fault.
You are so right.......
However, I do have to say that while reading this I had this vision of a Mama Bear standing over her cub..... :-*
Hugs,
Mike
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Screw all this "you have to find out who you first" crap.
You mean learning to love yourself isn't the greatest love of all? Man, Whitney gets no love from you people.
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You mean learning to love yourself isn't the greatest love of all? Man, Whitney gets no love from you people.
Heh heh Ford, I guess it is Whitney night after all... and wasn't it Madonna that said "Until I learned to love myself I was never ever loving anybody else"?
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Why did I leave? LOL! Because I was on a date with someone I presumed was single. This wasn't his ex. This was his boyfriend. Very simply, I don't need that kind of drama in my life. In my opinion, if someone is not interested any longer with their current partner, they need to untie the knot before pursuing antoher live interest.
This wasn't a "hey friend, lets have lunch" kind of date. This was a "hey, I'm really into you and would like to know more." Unfortunately, because of someone elses poor judgement in the decision they made, a good portion of day went to shit.
If it was the ex causing a scene, why did you trash the date. Maybe he is reasonable and left a monster.
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Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Screw all this "you have to find out who you first" crap.
He was right to ditch the date. He's had enough experience to know when to jet. If it was meant to be, the guy will find him, and possibly convince him to give it another chance.
It only takes one to love, and one to destroy love. Usually there's two people invested in the situation, but not always. It is a two-way street, but it doesn't take much for someone to decide they want to drive the other way and create a head-on collision. And that can happen in any leg of the roadtrip.
This was not Dennis's fault.
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Unfortunately, because of someone elses poor judgement in the decision they made, a good portion of day went to shit.
Well, hopefully the lunch was at least good!
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The Cumin and Za'atar Crusted Tuna and Peach Sangria was fabulous!
Well, hopefully the lunch was at least good!
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Below is a firsthand example. This person chose to reply to my post via another avenue since they're banned from AM for spewing hatred throughout the forums. I only think it's fitting to reply to it from within the original source.
Many of you may remember my little escapade to Los Angeles after AMG San Francisco to be with a young man who appeared toward the end of the weekend; posing as a newcomer. Little did we all know, this person knew all of us much better than we knew him. He had been banned from AM several times under the aliases "Koi" and “Carolanne." His name is Robert and his ex's name is Scott.
Although I've been out of their lives for over a year and half, I still continue to receive hate mail such as the one below. Cowardly, they continue to send them under bogus emails and names. Allow me to add, these two individuals are alcoholics, ex-lovers joined at the ass, and at least one (my ex) can't keep his c*** to himself.
Now you tell me. Is this something I deserve or bring upon myself because I don't “smile enough” These two individuals are so psychotic and insecure that the only way they can feel better about themselves and justify their own actions is to attempt to make others feel as miserable, if not more, as they feel.
On a side note…notice how they critique my spelling and grammar. Yet, his use of punctuation, run-on sentences, and spelling leaves nothing but room for improvement. Of course, this is probably alcohol induced like the other 50 or so hate mail and text messages I've received in the past 2 years.
First Name : Chi
Last Name : Hua Hua
Address Street 1 : 22
Address Street 2 : Borderline Dennis
City : Sun Valley
Zip Code : 91352
State : CA
Daytime Phone : 818 538-2121
Evening Phone :
Email : Dennis@yahoo.com
Comments : OMG. I just had to laugh "out loud" at your last post. Umm. Crazy attracts crazy, this is why no one decent wants you. Also, your writing is still full of errors in grammar and spelling. Once "Floriduh Trash" always "Floriduh Trash". What decent person would want you???? Really. Too many miles, too much damage. Too bad you cannot be traded in for "Cash for Clunkders". That would be your only hope.
How is that "book deal" going? Any more staged pictures on cars and yachts??? If I were as pathetic as you are I would find the nearest bridge or tall building and jump, head first.
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Dennis,
That email you shared from that person in California was just down and out mean.
I think the adage that best applies to them is, "Never enter unarmed into a battle of wits."
I have no advice about dating. Far from it. I am the absolute worst when it comes to dating.
I do agree with Joe. You are too young and good looking to give up.
For now, a nice weekend of gratuitous sex might salve the wounds.
HUGS,
Mark
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dennis..
fuck 'em. If it was me, I wouldn't open any mail that came to the address that they sent that to. I had never realized the extent that some have gone to plot and scheme against you, or AidsMEds (?), us(?)
Since I've been here at Aidsmeds.I've realized there are a quite a few people who carry grudges, chips, just a lot of grief and/or just plain SOS (shit on a stick) around all their lives and the only time they're happy is when they're shoveling it out. I'm inclinced to think it's that kind of behavior that got them positive in the first place and they've just never been able to cope with it and they certainly can't cope with people who blow them off.
But, hey, what do I know? I've got AIDS.
Anyway, personally, I like you just the way you are. School starts this next week so forget these summer flings. Time to get on about your business.
robert
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Dennis,
Rather than air your dirty laundry here and thereby possibly goading those two people to try to come back here, why don't you just report them to their ISP? Why don't you block their emails? ::) Is it possible you secretly LIKE that asshole magnet on your forehead?
Thanks.
I know who to blame if they try to start their shit up here again.
Ann
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Hello Dennis,
I've never met you, so it's a little harder for me, to give you some advice. What I do know is this, from reading your posts, you seem intelligent, caring, compassionate. Your motivated and a go-getter ! And apparently someone who can really organize a AMG !
I truly believe good things will come your way. As far as the Emails. I would report them,( as already suggested) I would also try to filter them out into the trash/spam bin, where they are deleted automatically. You don't need this crap.
Take care----Ray
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Blame me all you want, Ann. And while you're at it, go ahead and blame me that there won't be a European AMG. You obviously have a problem with me, stemming from the Forums Gatherings thread. It' no secret, Ann.
For those who have suggested filtering or not opening these emails, these are sent from the mailer within my blog. They even go as far at to create a new email just send their hatred. There is no way of knowing who the email is from until I open it. The ISP's have been notified as well as the police and cell phone company.
But I know, this is all MY fault. Apparently my asshole magnet attract moderators as well.
Dennis,
Rather than air your dirty laundry here and thereby possibly goading those two people to try to come back here, why don't you just report them to their ISP? Why don't you block their emails? ::) Is it possible you secretly LIKE that asshole magnet on your forehead?
Thanks.
I know who to blame if they try to start their shit up here again.
Ann
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Blame me all you want, Ann. And while you're at it, go ahead and blame me that there won't be a European AMG. You obviously have a problem with me, stemming from the Forums Gatherings thread. It' no secret, Ann.
Dennis, the only problem I have with you in connection with the AMG is that you have already decided that there won't be a European AMG, despite the fact that it's not yet been voted on. ::) Rigged ballot or what?
Ann
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Apparently my asshole magnet attract moderators as well.
Passive-aggressively call me an asshole again and you're outta here.
Ann
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You are absolutely correct, Ann. I rig the destination vote for AMG each year just to prohibit an AMG in Europe. That's one of the most rediculous things I've ever heard from you here.
Perhaps YOU would like to coordinate AMG 2010. Perhaps then, there will be a European AMG.
Dennis, the only problem I have with you in connection with the AMG is that you have already decided that there won't be a European AMG, despite the fact that it's not yet been voted on. ::) Rigged ballot or what?
Ann
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A bit harsh for someone who has never even been on a timeout before, don't you think? Or is this just another example of YOUR dislike towards me? Use your powers as you please.
Passive-aggressively call me an asshole again and you're outta here.
Ann
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A bit harsh for someone who has never even been on a timeout before, don't you think? Or is this just another example of YOUR dislike towards me? Use your powers as you please.
Time Out Policy
Actions that may result in an immediate and permanent ban include the following:
4) Threatening or harassing the moderators of the Forums. Immediate ban.
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Dennis,
Like Ray, I dun know you and what I posted before I meant it. For every action, there is always a reaction. It does not have to be equal. The reaction may be worse. We all do things we deem appropriate and many a times, we are not aware of their consequences or dun see them from a 3rd person's point of view. Of cos there are many losers and assholes in life but one of the best ways of dealing with such irritations is just tolerance and to ignore them, given if you have had already done all there is to do.
People are more reactive these days and it doesn't take much to make enemies for the silliest of reasons. Hell, I can even encounter some unnecessaries from some here on matters I dun even consider necessary, yet I deflect them through humor and sometimes subtle wit. But I move on, I dun allow negative stuff to dwell. You control the inflow and be aware more of the outflow.
I dun know Ann too but I dun believe what she said was particularly marking on you. When one is going thru these mental crap, it's very easy to think "everyone" not agreeing is against you. Lighten up. Try verbally declaring this; I do every morning when I wake and when I retire or when things drag me down, it does help, if you truly believe it;
"Everything is happening for my highest good and I am thankful!"
Na, no need for Om. ;D I'll just send you an email with the invoice LOL..kidding! :-*
PS: Everyone loves to blame Glenn Close's character in Fatal Attraction, but if one were to take a more sympathetic stand, Michael Douglas's role should not have had done the crime if he could not do the time. She said this, "I just wanted some respect. You can't just throw me aside after...blah blah blah." It's all about respect. Slow down, reflect and take it easier.
Dun let darkness consume you. I see that happening already. Remove the shades, it gets much brighter ! :D :-*
Blessed Be!
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You are absolutely correct, Ann. I rig the destination vote for AMG each year just to prohibit an AMG in Europe. That's one of the most rediculous things I've ever heard from you here.
Perhaps YOU would like to coordinate AMG 2010. Perhaps then, there will be a European AMG.
Sweetheart, I no longer have any desire to attend an AMG. Have you not noticed I bowed out of the destination thread? No intention of returning either.
Get over yourself. You accuse me of disliking you, but I surely do not even think about you. I only came into this thread because you pretty much threw down a gauntlet to CarolAnn and believe me, I could do without the hassle of him coming back here. We all could do without it.
You seem to forget all the help I've given you - both in your AMG role and on a personal level too. But whatever. I'm not losing any sleep over you.
Ann
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I've threatened and harrassed you? Please, point out where.
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Ann,
Perhaps, u both need to chill. You both will laugh over this after a day or so. It's hard to see st8 when in battle. People say things they dun mean when heated. Dun think Dennis deserves a time out. You both just need to take a cold shower.
Peace to both of you. :-*
Edited for grammar..seriously.. ;D
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Merlin, thanks for your concern, but if I really wanted to TO Dennis, I would have. I only warned him.
And I'm already laughing. The drama! The drama!
Ann
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I've threatened and harrassed you? Please, point out where.
Apparently my asshole magnet attract moderators as well.
Passive-aggressively calling me an asshole is harassment in the form of name-calling.
But whatever. Like your opinion matters to me. Don't bother replying - I won't see it.
Ann
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Please don't call me sweetheart; not with that tone.
You publicly accuse my of rigging AMG, you threaten to ban me for passive aggressively calling you an asshole (even though I've never even received a timeout) and you prematurely blame me for the return of carolann. Sounds a bit like "dislike" to me, Ann.
And while I have shown my appreciation to you for updating the AMG info thread (even though it takes almost a week or longer). I surely don't recall receiving any "personal" help from you.
Sweetheart, I no longer have any desire to attend an AMG. Have you not noticed I bowed out of the destination thread? No intention of returning either.
Get over yourself. You accuse me of disliking you, but I surely do not even think about you. I only came into this thread because you pretty much threw down a gauntlet to CarolAnn and believe me, I could do without the hassle of him coming back here. We all could do without it.
You seem to forget all the help I've given you - both in your AMG role and on a personal level too. But whatever. I'm not losing any sleep over you.
Ann
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That wasn't a warning you gave me, Ann. That was a threat. I've been here long enough to see examples of your "warnings."
Merlin, thanks for your concern, but if I really wanted to TO Dennis, I would have. I only warned him.
And I'm already laughing. The drama! The drama!
Ann
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Dennis- You'll be alright. At least you had a good lunch out of the episode. Dust yourself off and like Robert said, focus on school. You have a lot on your plate at the moment. Stressing about boys (well losers) won't help.
I'm not sure I believe in Mr. Right, but I'm sure you will meet plenty of people in the future. Some will be assholes and some will be nice guys. Just let it flow.
Cliff
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Most people weren't around to remember the nightmare that was "Carolann" and her numerous entities. So I thank Ann you for proactively trying to prevent his resurrection. I can only imagine the wasted time you and Peter spent trying to track down Carolann each time he attacked the forums using proxy servers. At least you know where all the bodies are buried.
Unpack your satchel, looks like London ain't happening. ;D
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Although I've been out of their lives for over a year and half, I still continue to receive hate mail such as the one below. Cowardly, they continue to send them under bogus emails and names. Allow me to add, these two individuals are alcoholics, ex-lovers joined at the ass, and at least one (my ex) can't keep his c*** to himself.
Now you tell me. Is this something I deserve or bring upon myself because I don't “smile enough” These two individuals are so psychotic and insecure that the only way they can feel better about themselves and justify their own actions is to attempt to make others feel as miserable, if not more, as they feel.
On a side note…notice how they critique my spelling and grammar. Yet, his use of punctuation, run-on sentences, and spelling leaves nothing but room for improvement. Of course, this is probably alcohol induced like the other 50 or so hate mail and text messages I've received in the past 2 years.
When I suggested that you smile more, it was meant as a compliment and I don't like my words turned around to imply something that was not intended, nor said. I learned long ago that the only opinions about me, that matter, are those that come from people who know me. I have an ex that sounds like your ex and I would never read, let alone publicize such hateful mail. Don't you see what you are doing? As long as you allow them to get under your skin, they will always be in control. This is not about them being assholes or whatever, it is about control. They poke you with a hateful email, you respond by lashing out which costs them nothing, but rips up your insides and they just laugh, because they control you. And every time they do this, you allow yourself to fall into the same trap and at some point, you need to learn when to say "enough".
Dennis, I had an abusive partner and I can barely describe all the damage he did to me and the damage I did to myself, all because I thought we were in love. I could never fathom that someone who professed to love me, could also abuse me. I still don't. It is beyond my comprehension, yet it happened and while I cannot change the past, I can change how I react to that past. You my friend, have been mortally wounded emotionally and you need some intensive care. There are many great books that outline the dynamics and reality of domestic violence and it was not until I had read one, that I realized that I was a victim of abuse.
You already know that abuse can rock you to your core and it strips you of all the skills you need, to see a realistic view of who you are. As frustrated as I might have been on your date, I would never assume that I personally had anything to do with what happened, because two other men acted like children. Those are their problems and I would never allow myself to make them mine. While I might lament my lack of decent dates, I would not denigrate myself over a situation that was not of my making. Yet you do and that is not healthy nor realistic. You have been deeply hurt and until you understand why you allowed yourself to be abused, these demons will forever haunt you.
Dennis, you did nothing to deserve any of the abuse you suffered. However, that abuse left you emotionally scarred to where you doubt your own abilities in affairs of the heart. Every time something goes wrong with your life emotionally, you automatically think that it must be something you are doing wrong. Please understand that it is your abusive past that clouds your judgment, because you have not allowed yourself to understand, heal and then move past the abuse. I fear that part of you actually believes these horrific emails and the cycle of abuse, while greatly diminished, continues to affect you, because you still allow it to happen.
Being a victim of abuse is nothing to be ashamed of, but I can assure you that if you do not conquer this now, it will permanently damage your ability to trust and love other people. You need some help to see your ex and his partner for who and what they are. He was never someone who cared for you, because he CHOSE TO ABUSE YOU. Just because you entered the relationship with honest intentions, does not mean that he did. Obviously he did not, so why do you care what he thinks or says? Until you can see him for who and what he is and what he chose to do to you, you will never completely heal. Until you start healing, you will never again have that self confidence that comes from knowing that you are a decent and worthy man, who has survived an abusive relationship.
Lastly, if you need proof that you have been deeply hurt, you need to look no further than this post and your unwarranted attack on some of us, but particularly Ann. Talk about classic passive-aggressive, when everyone is only trying to help. Misdirecting or projecting your anger onto others is very ugly and should be beneath you. Maybe the fact that it is not, is enough to help you realize how hurt you remain. Lashing out at, and blaming others are classic symptoms of abuse. Surely you don't like how this makes you feel, so do something to make it stop.
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On a side note…notice how they critique my spelling and grammar. Yet, his use of punctuation, run-on sentences, and spelling leaves nothing but room for improvement.
It wasn't that bad. There was a typo, and the 'humorously'-misspelled 'Floriduh', and the triple-ripple question marks, but otherwise hard to fault.
And your own writing bears only the mildest reproach, for 'laying' in the sand in your opening post. Overall, not much ammo for a grammar war.
Edit -- Now I've noticed the misuse of 'they' as a singular personal pronoun. It really helps to proofread before posting.
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Joe, I hear you. However, with all due respect, the only person in this thread who I feel attacked me was the beloved moderator.
As far as the emails I receive...like I said...I have over 50 of them. I've learned to ignore them and do laugh when I receive one. I Only posted the last one here to give an example of the type person I'm talking about, and it was in reply to my original post. I realize the problems of others don't necessarily reflect on me. All I was doing in this thread was venting a bit. Something I do very rarely. I have kept myself contained to the AMG threads. Everyone else chose to turn it into something much larger than it actually is.
As far as Carolann making a reappearance...I wouldn't worry too much. Considering their lack of ball in contacting me privately with a valid email address or contact information, I doubt they would do it publicly here.
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All I was doing in this thread was venting a bit. Something I do very rarely. I have kept myself contained to the AMG threads. Everyone else chose to turn it into something much larger than it actually is.
Boy you can say that again. Dennis' posting was an innocent post, not unlike the thousands that have come and gone before, with some healthy self-deprication tossed in.
Somehow someone managed to turn it into a slam fest.
So the guy has a 'asshole'magnet pasted on his forhead. Doesn't that strick any of you as funny? I know I've had that problem and with a little common sense, help from friends and a sense of humor, I was able to get it off.
robert
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My comment might not matter (which is why I'm posting) so as a person with an opinion, I shall give it. Ann, as a Moderator, admitting you no longer have any desire to attend an AMG and no intention of returning plus stating to someone you lose no sleep over someone ~ is simply and completely and totally uncalled for. Being a moderator for AIDSMEDS, your responses absolutely shocked me. If I "spoke" to someone at my job the way you have, I would've been fired on the spot. Anyone would have. I know you have your opinions but come on ~ negative comments (especially by a moderator) should be made professionally and in private. What happened to your professionalism? Your responses were heartbreaking and completely disappointing to say the least. I never imagined you would be so flippant about someone.
Dennis, you were simply sharing a hilarious yet uncomfortable experience....and it's suddenly turned into something else. I have not attended a AMG but from what I read, you've done an absolutely fabulous job. One sarcastic comment shouldn't fluster you. Don't take it personal. You're better than that and previous gatherings show it. So my comment to you is "SNAP OUT OF IT!" and continue to do what you do best and that's getting people together to make this HIV/AIDS journey less lonely and frightening and continue making it more supportive, fun and memorable....plus helping people make new friends who otherwise would have never met before in their lives.
This is my opinion and I'm stickin to it!
Keep your 'asshole magnet' but don't let it overrule you! :-*
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"They" actually refers to both my ex as well as his ex partner. If you notice in a previous post you'll notice I state "they" are joined at the ass. They work as a joint venture when attempting to degrade me to their level.
Edit -- Now I've noticed the misuse of 'they' as a singular personal pronoun. It really helps to proofread before posting.
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I really have no clue why people are attacking Ann. She was just trying to prevent a very unbalanced individual from coming back here to wreak more havoc, which she stated. Clearly Dennis has a problem with Ann. Her remarks were controlled and elegantly stated. Some people just show prejudice very, very clearly.
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"They" actually refers to both my ex as well as his ex partner. If you notice in a previous post you'll notice I state "they" are joined at the ass. They work as a joint venture when attempting to degrade me to their level.
Oh sorry, I thought that both 'they' and 'he' referred to the sender of the email.
Anyway the whole situation is unfortunate. It sounds like the sort of thing that can go on forever, unless an 'accident' befalls the ass-joined couple.
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LOL. Elegantly stated? Please advise how prematurely blaming me or implying that I enjoy the asshole magnet on my forehead is going to prevent a a former member from re-registering here? Notice the rolling eyes for dramatic effect (or is that elegance?).
And then...I'm threatened with being banned for passively aggressively calling her an a**hole. Mind you, not a timeout (which I've never received in the 5 years of being a member). To quote our beloved moderator..."anyone with half a brain" can see who has a problem with who.
Ann, clearly stepped outside of her role as moderator here. She is the one who let her personal feelings get in the way. If any other member here had posted the way she has replied to me they would have received a TO or the thread would have been locked.
Again, I just have to LOL that anyone would think the post below, or any post within this thread, was
"elegantly" written.
Dennis,
Rather than air your dirty laundry here and thereby possibly goading those two people to try to come back here, why don't you just report them to their ISP? Why don't you block their emails? ::) Is it possible you secretly LIKE that asshole magnet on your forehead?
Thanks.
I know who to blame if they try to start their shit up here again.
Ann
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Just wanted to jump in and say thanks Tim for locking this thread...lets get back to being a support forum.
Jan