What are my odds?

[ramses]

My sex partner informed me yesterday that a girl, that he has been having sex with 3-4 times within the last couple of months just admitted to him that she has been HIV positive since 2008. Furthermore, she told him that she wants to get pregnant and therefore she used a needle to perforate the condoms they used (about a month ago).

He went straight to the clinic and tested negative (but I know that this does not mean that he´s in the clear yet) and then he got PEP treatment yesterday evening.
Within the last month we have had sex twice without protection, and I am scared to death now (and ashamed of my stupidity).

I am scouring the internet trying to weigh the risk of being infected, and I am hoping that you might give me a clearer picture of my odds. I am going in for testing tomorrow btw.

Thank you in advance for any information you might be able to provide

[Andy Velez]

The only way to know your HIV status securely is by getting tested. You can do that initially at 6 weeks after the most recent unprotected incident. If you get a negative result at that point, the likelihood is that you will continue to test negative for a conclusive result at 3 months.

Do yourself a big favor and stop "scouring the internet." All you will find there is a lot to feed your worst fears and all to no good purpose. Be patient and wait to get tested.

Good luck and let us know how you make out.

For future reference you should always be using condoms everytime you have anal or vaginal intercourse. You can only dispense with that practice safely when you are in a securely monogamous relationship in which both partners test negative at a reliable testing point. Otherwise condoms are a must everytime for the insertive partner. 

[ramses]

Thank you for your reply. I had a blood test taken today, and will have another one taken in 6 weeks time (and in 3 months as well).

[Ann]

Ramses,

Your friend is highly unlikely to end up poz because of pin-holes in a condom. While the force of ejaculation would force some semen through them, it's unlikely that any vaginal fluid got in.

Hiv transmission is much more difficult to accomplish from a woman to a man anyway. Also, one would hope that this poz woman who is trying to get pregnant is already on hiv meds and if she is, she most likely has an undetectable viral load. That means it's even more unlikely that he'd end up positive over this, even if he had completely unprotected intercourse with her.

Are you aware that many poz/neg couples are having children these days "the old fashioned way" with neither the baby nor the neg partner ending up positive? It's totally possible when the poz partner is on meds and has an undetectable viral load.

While I really do think both of you are going to come out of this ok, I hope you have learned from this and will stop having unprotected intercourse.

Here's what you need to know in order to avoid hiv infection:

You need to be using condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse, every time, no exceptions until such time as you are in a securely monogamous relationship where you have both tested for ALL sexually transmitted infections together.

To agree to have unprotected intercourse is to consent to the possibility of being infected with an STI. Sex without a condom lasts only a matter of minutes, but hiv is forever.

Have a look through the condom and lube links in my signature line so you can use condoms with confidence.

Anyone who is sexually active should be having a full sexual health care check-up, including but not limited to hiv testing, at least once a year and more often if unprotected intercourse occurs.

If you aren't already having regular, routine check-ups, now is the time to start. As long as you make sure condoms are being used for intercourse, you can fully expect your routine hiv tests to return with negative results.

Don't forget to always get checked for all the other sexually transmitted infections as well, because they are MUCH easier to transmit than hiv. Some of the other STIs can be present with no obvious symptoms, so the only way to know for sure is to test.

Use condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse, correctly and consistently, and you will avoid hiv infection. It really is that simple!

Ann

PS - while I don't suppose you're on speaking terms with this woman, I hope you can find it in your heart to have some compassion for her. It sounds like she's probably feeling isolated (because of hiv), very lonely and desperate for love (hence wanting a child). It would be wonderful if you could perhaps text her the URL of this site so she can get some support for herself - and advice on better ways of going about having a baby.

[ramses]

Dear Ann,

Thank you for the additional information, it has given me a lot more peace of mind. Also for the advice! I do know that people with HIV are having children, and I also understand that it must be very hard (and lonely) living with HIV hanging over your head like that.

Although I am extremely angry with her for knowingly putting me and friend at risk, I also feel sorry for her. I am not in contact with her, but my friend is and I will ask him to give her your website address. She has informed him that she has been under treatment and also undetectable since 2008 (last test taken in April this year).

[Ann]

Ramses,

With her being undetectable for so long, your friend is more likely to win Wednesday and Saturday night's lotteries, plus the EuroMillions Lottery - all in the same week - than he is to end up positive over this. He doesn't even need PEP. Seriously.

You're both going to be ok.

Tell your friend I said "thanks" for passing on this website to her.

Ann

[ramses]

Hello again,

I hope you'll be able to help me again. My friend has spoken to the girl in question, and had some information that is concerning. She had an outbreak of herpes in May, and she said that this might have raised her levels. Does this mean a higher risk of infection?

[Ann]

ramses,

No, herpes isn't going to make a difference in this situation.

Ann

[ramses]

Thank you very much for your quick reply, br