Is it possible to be too accepting???

[Philly1972]

First of all, thanks to everyone who responded to my story with their support.  I will be coming back here for a long, long time and I think we are going to get to know each other pretty well!

This is not going to sound right....in fact I don't feel right saying it, but somehow I feel better (happier, more alive, more energy) now than I did before getting the big news.  Lately (past several months), I've been a little bored with my life - over the last few years I've had some big life changing events going on - new job, selling my house, buying a condo, moving to the city, decorating new condo, traveling for work - but lately, nothing - work is slow and I've felt trapped and bored in a routine.  Now don't get me wrong, I wish it were something else, but I do feel like this has made life exciting again (I know how that sounds and I don't know how else to say it).  I've become a bit obsessed (as I tend to do) with HIV and health/fitness - learning as much as I can, reading, taking notes, organizing info, nutrition, exercise....I feel like I've just been assigned project manager to a really great project.  I signed up for yoga classes, eat even better and exercise even more than before.  I've always been a "social" smoker and smoked on weekends, but this past weekend I didn't.  I feel challenged - and I love a challenge.  Although in the back of my mind I keep thinking I'm going to beat this.  Last night I went for a run and was showering after and thought that the run was getting a little boring - then I thought, OMG, if I'm getting bored now, how the hell am I gonna keep this up for 25+ years???  I'm used to projects coming to an end and not lasting the rest of my life!  It's not a new piece of exercise of equipment that I can become bored with and make into a clothes rack in the corner, as usually is the case.  After all, it is summer when it is easier to do stuff outside and fruits and veggies are abundant.  How do I keep up this motivation in the winter.....in a year....in 10 years.....in 20 years.....and what happens when I realize that I can't beat this and numbers start going down?  I guess I'll take it one day at a time and deal with that when that day gets here....for now, I feel great!  So far I've only gotten the CD4 #s back and they were good....I'm nervous about the others (particularly the resistance test), but optimistic.  My next appnt is July 28th and Dr. said he will draw blood again to see where things are moving....I KNOW I can get those CD4/CD8 numbers up! 

In fact the only time I get down about this is when I think about relationships and dating and how this is going to make it so much harder.  I did have sex last weekend and couldn't enjoy it (or perform)....even though there was protection, I kept thinking "what if I infect this guy"?   So healthwise I'm not one bit worried (right now) that this is going to "get" me....socially speaking is a different story.

[BT65]

Philly1972,

You sound like you're running a marathon when you post.  Wow, you've got a lot of energy.  Which is good.  Better than laying around not being able to do anything.  It sounds like you're taking the right steps with yourself to ensure continued good health.  BTW, what were your CD4's?  Did you also have a viral load done?   

Don't worry about 10 years or 25 years.  Sometimes it's tedious enough to deal with the day at hand.  You're not living in the distant future and right now have no control over specific things that may happen between then and now.  Just slow down a bit, take a few deep breaths, and try to find fulfilling things to do right now.  Glad you're keeping in touch.  You may want to post further subjects in "Living With," as you may get more responses there.
  Luv,
Betty

[Philly1972]

Yes, Betty...to say that I have allot of energy is an understatement.  I feel more alive and energetic at 36 with HIV than I did at 26 without???  I'm f**ked up!   My CD4 was 694 and ratio to CD8 was 1.1.  Personally I think it was lower because I had a very stressful weekend dealing with the new news, did not sleep much, partied, drank, smoked and ate all the wrong things....I'm confident that's gonna go up.  The VL & resistance results won't be in for another week or so....hopefully by the 28th so I can discuss with the doctor at my next appnt.

I just hope this momentum continues....

[justakuntrygul]

Great attitude, but reality will set in soon. You're thinking HIV...another big thing in my life when really it's good and bad at the same time.  HIV is just another reason to get on a great diet plan and workout.  I've always been overweight..and I still am. AT age 25 and my bf who infected me is now 38 I feel that when I heard the news Iwas overdoing it, but now I feel as if it's ok to sneak and eat sometimes, because in the back of my head I have that image of HIV=skinny when that is not at all the case at times.  I'm starting to not take life as serious as I used to.  I'm thinking hell I have the worse thing ever! I have HIV!  Then again HIV has made my life crazy.  Sometimes I forget that I even have it, because like you my health is still good, but what if one day I get those symptoms.  I haven't had the cold sweats, breakouts, dramatic diarrhea, or any weight lost.  Instead I gained a couple of pounds which is weirding my bf out, because he is steadily loosing weight.  He's drinking milkshakes that supposedly make you gain weight now so we are goingto see if that works.  He works out a lot as well...well he walks a lot, so he is always going to have the surfer boy look.  Just that lately his energy level is going up and down. Some nites he's up for it and some nights both of us ends up sleeping before we give each other kisses goodnite lol...take care and keep doing what you're doing..think positive while living positive!

[wow1969]

I wouldn't worry about your relationships and dating. Regardless of your status relationships are hard. If it weren't this, there woudl be another challenge. My partner is negative. We met before I found out my status and the relationship has lasted and strengthened as a result of HIV. I love him more than I would have thought possible. I also have no doubt he loves me.

We just use protection and continue having sex ... and it's great sex. Why? Because I trust him and I love him and that makes it great. Last weekend we went out and got our committment ceremony rings (his idea).

Our biggest issues so far have little to do with HIV. I doubt that they ever will.

I tell you this because HIV is not the end of your love life. It's just another bump in the difficult Relationship Highway. Just relax and let things happen. Considering you just found out, it's probably not the best time to be looking for a boyfriend. Give yoursself some breathing space to get used to this. I've found that it's a life altering event (am I preaching to the choir here LOL?).