My introduction

[WorriedWife]

For those of you who havent had a chance to read this in the Someone I care about has HIV forum.

Ok I hope nobody minds but I would like to share my story with all of you in hopes that anyone can give me some advise on how to deal with all of this. I am so scared.

My Story:

In August of 2004 I left home and went to Iraq leaving behind my husband and 8 month old daughter. While I was gone apprentely my husband had an affair. We just found out that he is HIV Positive. Fourtunally, I tested and my test was negitave. I dont know how. I am relieved but I am still shocked that I am not positive. I guess my angles have been putting in some serious overtime.   

Im not mad at my husband and I dont plan on going anywhere. I am here for him and together we are going to make it through this. Is this strange? Should I be mad? Or even hurt? I dont even feel a little mad. Im thinking that their is something wrong with me. Anyone else I know would have taken the child and ran the other direction away from all of this crap. Is my love for him that strong? I guess it is because that is the only way I can describe it.

We went to the infectious diease doctor last week for the first time and they took more blood tests to find out what his T cell count is. On Friday the doctor called us and told us that my husband needed to start taking medication to keep him from getting phnomia ( sorry I cant spell that one  ) and she told him that his T cell count was below 200. It is actually 191. I dont remember what his viral load is. Well that night I ended up taking him to the ER because he was having a hard time breathing fourtunally it turned out to be nothing. Is this going to happen alot? I kind of expect for him to have a hard time dealing with all of this and to blow everything out of porpotion right now but I didnt expect it to be this bad. How long with this last? How am I suppose to deal with this myself and help him deal with it also?

We are going on a trip with a couple of friends this week and I am hoping getting him out of here will help him not think about all of this. How do I get him to not dwell on this? I have told him that we will just take this one day at a time and not worry about what can go wrong until it happens. We will cross that bridge when we get to it. We go back to the doctor next week to start him on a treatment plan and I think after that things will get better (at least I hope). In the meantime I need to know how to keep my sanity along with keeping my family together and comforting my husband all at the same time. I have noticed that if he is thinking about it. It makes me think about it and all of the bad things that can happen. How can I keep from doing this? Is it just because this is all so new to us and we are still trying to accept it?

Please Help
WorriedWife.

[egello]

Sorry for everything that is going on in your life. If you read my previous posts, this past christmas time, i was in some deeeeeeeep shit, denial and almost dying and etc...

Things will get better for sure as you both come to accept the reality of HIV and having to take the meds and go to the doctor frequently.

Within past 6 months or so, I became very well, feeling almost like a brand new person except for some itchiness of my skin.

Have you tried going to some gay and lesbian health and mental service center in your area? they usually provide free counseling for ANY gendered people who is dealing with issues of HIV. I highly recommend that.

And no, I do not think its weird that you aren't mad at your husband for what has happened, you are probably still in shock over the fact that the father of your child is HIV poz or you guys just have a very nice open relationship. I am sure there will come a time you guys will be able to talk about what has happened. In the meantime, I suggest you read as much as you can regarding HIV and talk to others like you and him. Also don't forget about gay and lesbian health service center.

Take care and let us know what happens...

[Peter6836]

You and your husband are dealing with a lot right now. Should you be angry, yes and no. You should allow yourself to feel whatever emotions you have. My suggestion is to find a support group to help both of you deal with what is happening. Most HIV support groups not only deal with the person with HIV but help the person who is negative but living with HIV. Be kind to each other, and give yourselves time to deal with this. I find that knowing more about what I am living with helps. So educate yourselves. Perhaps some individual counseling would be good for your husband as well, it is difficult to deal with this diagnosis, I am sure he has great guilt, and many fears. (Which would explain his panic attacks.) People here are supportive, keep in touch.
Peter

[WorriedWife]

Egello and Peter,

Thank you so much for your kind words. We are doing better with this and my hubby has also come along way in the past month. He has actually started doing research on HIV but he has listened to me so far about not reading side effects. I dont want him to read anything that will put bad thoughts into his head. I will keep everyone updated on his status and I am also planning on calling a councelor that the ID Doc reffered us to. I love this website and I am really glad that the Doc reffered me here everyone here has been so much help I am truly blessed.

God Bless,
Stacy

[Christine]

Hi Stacy,
I am sorry this has happened to you and your family. I had a very hard time when I was first diagnosed. Looking back, I wish I had talked to a therapist or gone to a support group.

Take one day at a time. Some days are going to be great, others are going to be really hard. Doing research, reading about treatment options really helped me.  Having a doctor you like and trust also helps. Take advantage of whatever resources your doctor offers- therapy, dietitian, social worker.

A while after being diagnosed, I did panic over every little health issue. I think that is pretty common. My feelings are it is better to ask the doctor about any concerns, than to ignore them, and possibly run the risk of missing something.

You asked if your reactions were normal. I don't think there is a normal reaction. Everyone responds and evolves differently in their struggle with hiv. Perhaps going to a therapist alone might help you work through your feelings.

I am so glad your doctor recommended these forums. You will find amazing support and a vast amount of accurate, current information on hiv.

Thinking of you,
Christine

[kentb]

Hi Stacy, I think you are to be commended for your attitude of love, compassion and forgiveness for your husband.  These traits after all are what will hold the family together.  Once your husband starts on  medications and gets well adjusted he will be a lot healthier. This could take several months but the news is good and his prognosis will likely be one of strong resilience with the meds and your support.  You are amazing and he cannot adequately express his thanks,  but when he picked you he got incredibly lucky in his choice for a spouse.

Warmest Regards,

Kent

[Queen Tokelove]

Stacy~~

Welcome to the Forums. It is quite a situation you are dealing with. I applaud you on standing by your husband when most probably would've left considering how he got it. You both are on a great start by finding an I.D doc and getting the labs done. Since he has to start meds maybe his doc will put him on Atripla which is a once a day pill. There are a few on here that takes it and doesn't seem to have any problem with it.

As far as feelings go, I'm sure you both are prolly still numb and this all very new and confusing. I agree with what someone else said about taking it one day at a time. Why not bring your hubby to this site and let him look around. There's always support here...Keep us posted on how you both are coming along. Good Luck to you both.

[Dragonette]

Hi Stacy,

Wow......... you are one impressive woman.

First of all, about the anti-pnomonia (can't spell it either) treatment - it is completely standard procedure to prescribe antibiotics against PCP as preventative measure when one is below 200 CD4s, at least in Europe, and they also keep you on them for a while here when you go above 200. I myself had taken antibiotics for 8 months straigt after diagnosis. It doesn't necessarily mean that he has lung infection, it could be prevention as he is more prone to getting one, esp. since you indicate that the hospital trip the other day was a false alarm. But the one person to ask is your doctor who will of course know all the details - I am speculating here based on own experience.

So having said that, it doesn't mean that it will "always" be like this. I guess things will never always stay the same. There will be better times, and I guess also some difficult times. But it's not all downhill from now on or anything like that. That is my experience. Of course no one can forsee the future, HIV or not, but I beleive (based on what I know/read/hear/experience)that with treatment one can lead a satisfying and yes, even happy and relatively healthy life with HIV.

Finally, about the anger thing. I'm all for anger when there is something to be angry about, but if you think that you can put the affair behind you and you and your hubby have a future together and love each other, then I would say that it's great that you don't waste energy & time on anger and resentment. If you are really not angry, then you are just not angry. So long as you are true to your real emotions and do what's best for you, that's great. I wish I had a little less anger and resentment in me. Maybe being in a war zone put things in perspective for you (just speculating here).

Best of luck to you & your family,

[Life]

Stacy,  very nice to hear your story... This is your story Stacy...  Might as well make it a "spectacular" one...  The road right now might seem ruff because of all the things you are trying to weigh all in one basket.   I would break them down into bite sized pieces so they do not overwhelm you...  Keep it simple...   Your love for eachother will carry you through.  I am not saying to look the other way or bite your tongue, but perhaps first to put your hubby's health and wellness first.....  This seems to be what your doing by working through your ID doc and seeking treatment.   You are also educating yourself about what its like to have partner with hiv...  Good for you!!  Your doing things in a manor many of us have followed.....   As the emotions Begin to come through, communications between you both are important.... You can choose to work through this.   You know, relationship are just not falling out of the sky these days.   I would not be so quick to judge but judge you will or forgive, with time....   It would sound to me you are spiritual.   Use it!!   Being in a relationship, can be very strengthening..  When one is down, the other carry's the other through.  Keep posting and letting us know how you both are doing.   Your husband may consider to post as well???  He probably has allot of questions about all of this...  We are great listeners and we can double as a support group ya know...   I live in the toolies and this is how I get through my day.....  Keep trudging along!  It will get better....   Beleive it!

Hugs,

Eric