Thanks for the responses......and they prompted me to change the title to ask the question: what did you change when you become poz? nothing? everything? Name a change that you *willingly* made.
One (major) think I am in the middle of changing is my response to my loneliness. I dealt with these feelings all my life by running from them: into the arms of strangers. Well, not really their arms, as that might indicate a loving gesture. There was nothing warm about tons of anonymous sex. Right now, in addition to being poz, I got dumped. I am trying to deal with these two things by creating something else I have to deal with: my behaviour. And right now, I'm winning. It's hard, and I know I can drown my sorrows in booze and sex, but I know too that that is the loneliest place of all. Don't want to sound like Pollyanna or L'il Orphan Annie, but gosh, I gotta try. I really don't have a choice but to change. Not for my ex but for me. I am dropping the years of being angry and hostile to "them," the world out there that I used to think did me wrong. Time to grow up.
Andrew
Joe K:
Hey Andrew,
I'm impressed to read how far you have come since last week and all I can tell you is that you have it right. We are the only ones responsible for our own happiness and the sooner we realize that, the sooner the baggage starts getting the boot. I understand about the loneliness.
During the fall of 99, my abusive partner finally got himself incarcerated. It was a good thing in that it got him out of my life, but the hole that was left, seemed like the Grand Canyon. Andrew, I cried for almost 2 months, until I realized that by allowing myself to wallow in self-pity, I was still giving him power over me. Granted your situation is different, but the end result was the same, that nagging loneliness.
I like reading what you wrote because it tells me you want a better life for yourself and now you are ready to try it. Just remember that those things worth having often cause the most pain, but they also yield the greatest reward. You're not a whiner, just honest in assessing your situation and formulating concrete plans to move yourself forward.
Andrew, in the end that is all we can hope to do and I applaud your courage in both sharing your story and especially your unwillingness to let this get you down. You can do this and you will.
Moffie65:
Andrew,
"You're a good man Charlie Brown", now YOU must believe this.
You're coming along, now please refer to my last post to you and try that exercise; I bet you it will have really good effects on you and help you to see what is up next.
In Love and Support. ;D
Life:
Andy if you stop the depressants (booze) let your mind clear (3 to 6 months) I think you will find a whole new world around you... A world that you never new existed. Thats one thing I would start with... I found that were I was at, I was not maturing AT ALL.. Just drownding in self. And it was always right back where I left it when my head cleared. This can go on for years without you ever even realizing your true potential.. God I am glad thats NOT a part of my life anymore. Everything I see, everything I feel is REAL!!! And the only way to get through it, is by doing so...... Tuff up bucko!
Love
JohnOso:
Andrew,
Boy do i see a lot of myself in your posts. i've tentatively accepted that my Unwanted Companion is now a part of my life. I refuse to let it control me, but on the same day I feel I've conquered one thing, another creeps up out of the blue.