I agree with mouse, guys are jerks

[woodshere]

Could someone please explain why some guys are such jerks or more importantly why I keep thinking this one will be different?  I have never been lucky in the love department.  After supporting my ex for 5 1/2 years as he was getting his PHD, I was dumped for one of his 21 year old, uncut college students.  Since then I have been weary of even attempting to make new friends let alone start a relationship.  But last fall i decided I would make more of an effort.  So I have been on a few dates, chatted with guys on line, gone out a little more, been active in my poz social group - only to have bad experiences with all of these.  During the past month or so it has been extremely disheartening.  Hear are just a few examples of what I am talking about.  The social group had a function that I somehow wasn't invited to.  A friend and I bumped into one another out on the town one night.  We were hanging out and decided to go somewhere else together (we were going to ride together), he said he had to go to the restroom only never to return.  So I left and went to the place we were going and who do I bump into but my "friend".  Last week I was chatting with a guy on line.  We talked for 30 minutes or so.  He was from out of town and attending a meeting in Louisville the following week.  He needed some info about locations, parking and such.  I said I would email it to him and he said he would give me a call when he got into town and maybe we could go to dinner.  Got the email together and sent it.  Of course never heard from him again, not even a thank you.  Then yesterday I was chatting with a guy who I have been chatting with for several weeks now.  We had been chatting for about an hour when he asked if I would like to get together sometime (date not sex).  I am pretty busy with several projects right now and asked about lunch today.  He said sure, we chatted a bit more and then poof he was gone.  Ok, so I thought he got booted, power surge who knows, I waited a bit and nothing.  I thought he might email, but of course he didn't.  I could give you several other examples.  This would be rather embarrassing if not for the fact that it is happening so often it is almost funny.

Of course none of this is life shattering.  However, what happened to just treating someone with a bit of basic kindness and respect.  If you really don't want to be my friend or go out, why say you do.  I try to always be honest in my feelings for someone and never lead anyone on.  If someone hits me up on line to chat that doesn't interest me I make small talk but nothing more. 

What I am finding is that the more I try to make friends or date, the more of a loner I am becoming.  Not sure if it is worth the effort anymore.

Woods

[David_CA]

I know it sucks, Woods.  I remember back before I met my husband I went through some of that crap, too.  Hell, I wasn't even really looking for a relationship.  Sex would have been OK.  A date would have worked.  A relationship would have been considered, but the first two would have had to happen first.  I did find that the out-of-towners were good for meeting for sex, but only when they were already in town.  Those that I'd planned to meet somehow never showed up or happened to be 'just too busy' once they got into town.  Something about meeting another local guy online seemed to kind of scare a lot of guys.  I'm not sure of the size of the city where you're located, but I live in a smallish city.  It seems like every gay guy knows every other or has a friend who does.  That sure didn't help. 

I was in my early 30's, very much in shape... basically a decent person to date or be seen with, but still no luck.  I was chatting on AOL back in '99 with a friend (who I'd met online) and he introduced my hubby to me.  It was 'private room' or whatever AOL called it.  Neither of us (hubby or I) wanted to be rude and not chat, since the other guy went to the trouble of getting us talking.  One thing led to another... chatting, talking on the phone, meeting for dinner, and spending the next 13 out of 14 days together.  A few months later, he just begged me to let him move in (that's a joke between him and I - he'll probably read this!), and we've been together since.

The point is you never know where, when, how, or why you'll meet a nice guy.  He may not work out as a LTR, but hopefully you'll gain a new friend.  That friend will have friends, and you'll probably meet them, too.  What's funny is that my hubby and I hadn't met prior to that introduction, but we had LOTS of mutual friends and acquaintances.  We'd both been to the same parties at the same time.  I had been a customer where he worked at the time.  My ex-wife even knew who he was before I did.  I guess the goal would be to increase your group of friends and acquaintances and not expect anything other than friendship.  That way, at least you won't be let down when something doesn't work out. 

I know it doesn't make you feel any better.  For some reason, so far, you've been meeting jerks.  You'll meet a guy you'll want to spend time with and who wants to spend time with you.  It'll happen; you just have to let it.  Good luck.

David

[Miss Philicia]

Yes, many men are jerks.  Many men are not.

Good luck woods

[woodshere]

David,
Thanks.  Meeting guys for sex is easy.  I just want one who sticks around after getting his rocks off....

Yeah Philly, lots of guys aren't jerks, I just can't find one.

[Buckmark]

Woods,

I'm sorry to hear you have been having such bad experiences dating,
and my own experiences lately sound a lot like yours.  I really do not
like trying to meet people online, as I think the anonymity of being
online makes it easy for people to either ignore your or be rude to
you.  Also, I hate the frustration of meeting folks who live so far away.
But meeting people online seems to be so prevalent these days.

The approach recommended by David_NC makes the most sense to
me -- you have to keep increasing your circle of friends and acquaintances,
and keep putting yourself out there.  That's why I've been trying to do.
Even so, it's not a guarantee that you'll meet "the one".  That's an
item I'd take exception to where David said "It'll happen; you just have
to let it.  Good luck."  If luck is a factor here (as I think it is), that means
you just don't know if or when it will happen.

I really don't mean to be a downer here.  I think that you are one of
the sweetest guys here, and there should be plenty of guys who would
love to be with you.  The trick, of course, is finding them.  Until then,
though, it ought to be possible to be perfectly content being single.
(Ooops... I may be projecting my own issues / situation here -- apologies).

For what it is worth, I agree that you were treated rudely, and it's
likely just a matter of time before you have some better experiences. 
If you are ever in Austin, I'd be happy to take you out on a proper date!

Hugs,

Henry

[DanielMark]

Could someone please explain why some guys are such jerks or more importantly why I keep thinking this one will be different?

Woods,

My answer to part one of that is there are too many selfish self-absorbed people freely wandering the earth, BUT NOT ALL OF THEM ARE. You just have to weed through the liars and cheats until you find a genuine non dependent adult with whom you match. Online is the least likely place you will find honest relationship material, in my past experience. Most of it is just meaningless sex.

My answer to part two is, well, you don't need anyone to answer that part. Loneliness is a major personal human problem (if not the biggest) today even tho the world is more connected than ever. Go figure.

Forgive me Woods, but if it’s a partner you seek I’d suggest you get out and socialize more often, preferably in a Gay-friendly charity group of some sort or other. You’re more apt to meet people in charity groups who are genuinely caring folk, not head gamers and users. And don’t make the finding someone your main priority either.

Like the song says, “Love decides the one you find, and if it’s meant to be.” The more people you meet, the greater your chances of meeting someone with whom you might hit it off.

Daniel

[woodshere]

Ahhh Henry,
You are so kind.  I was planning a vacation to San Francisco, but now maybe Austin.....

Daniel,
At first I got a little pissed about you telling me what I need to do.  But you are exactly right.  Some weeks I work 60 plus hours and when you add in my church work, I don't have a lot of free time. However, what I typically do when I have free time is stay home or waste the time away doing nothing productive. I am trying to get out more, National Senior Games are in a couple of weeks and I have volunteered for several shifts.  Who knows maybe I'll meet an attractive, fit Senior athlete.

As far as online, basically what everyone has said about meeting someone for friendship or relationship, I agree with 100%.  I am just not wired that way, guess I just think of it as the road to getting laid and nothing more.

[DanielMark]

It was really just a suggestion Woods, but I've yet to hear of anyone meeting anyone else for any sort of meaningful lasting relationship on the Internet. There are lots of needs in the world and lots of charities that need volunteers. Again, those are places that normally attract like-minded caring individuals. It could be a dead end or it could go the other way, but you’ll never find out unless you try. And if nothing else, you’ll have contributed to something worthwhile in the process.

Personally I never want to date again, and God willing I’ll not have to. It’s all too agonizing.

Daniel

[David_CA]

... I've yet to hear of anyone meeting anyone else for any sort of meaningful lasting relationship on the Internet.

Daniel,

Read my response above.  My hubby and I met on the internet (AOL, actually) over 8 years ago.  One of my best friends of 20 years met his current partner of 9 years on the 'net.  So, now you've heard of two!   

David

[DanielMark]

My apologies, David!

What I should have said is I don't personally know anyone who has found a meaningful lasting relationship on the Internet. Given my past experiences (and those of friends) I would have to say the chances of it happening are probably rare at best.

Daniel

[Jerry71]

True so very true. Seems like when you think they are the great person on earth shit hits the fan and it goes down hill for most of us.

[David_CA]

My apologies, David!

What I should have said is I don't personally know anyone who has found a meaningful lasting relationship on the Internet. Given my past experiences (and those of friends) I would have to say the chances of it happening are probably rare at best.

Daniel

No problem.  I think the 'success rate' for online romances is probably higher in smaller cities and towns and rural areas than in larger cities.  There are just not as many options.  I mean, a guy could go to one of two queer bars, one of the parks, or any other such places, or one can hunt for a man online... kinda like shopping online.      I definitely think it would be easier to be gay, or HIV+ even, in a larger city.  It has gotten better here, I'm sure.  I'm just not in the market for a new man, so I really don't keep up with it all these days.

David

[Peter6836]

Why are men such jerks?
Simple fear of death!!!!!!!!!