Author Topic: Anyone experience denial from poz friend or partner (Read 5038 times)

camille07 · « **on:** June 21, 2007, 07:30:34 pm »

Jack, my friend, is co-infected for over a year now. It seems every time I bring up something regarding poz.com or anything relating to HIV the subject digresses, and quickly. So today I asked him about it. (this is the guy who passed the torch to me)
This was his reply, "I live it and don't really need to be discussing it at this particular nucleus of time...trying to forget, but still take care of myself...every morning when I open my medicine bottle it begins.....
blue pill = hiv"

If this was just a casual friend that would fine..., I respect that. I personally think, too, that hiv isn't the person, the medicine may be their only reminder. BUT, if this is a person who will be a partner of mine day in and day out, doesn't it become harder if I can't discuss this particular.

This virus didn't come with handbook so its hard to determine how to approach certain situations.

xyahka · « **Reply #1 on:** June 21, 2007, 07:46:44 pm »

Well... you are right, there is no handbook about Hiv. I would think that every person evolves in a different as for what refers to Hiv acceptance and way of living. If you feel you need to talk about it, perhaps your friend is not the right person or is not in the right moment for you to approach him about this specific issue.

None knows the internal fights each one of us has regarding the diagnosis and the way things happened.... they way we have decided to deal with it and how we want the final things to happen as well and how scared we are about it. I think that should be somehow respected.

I would advise you to visit a support group or get to talk to a counsellor or someone who is more open to talk about the issue in this moment.

Cheers,

Juan Carlos

cokaine · « **Reply #2 on:** June 21, 2007, 07:47:53 pm »

Hey Cam

I was in the "denial" mood for a very short period of time because it was the only way I knew how to cope with it at that time. You must take into consideration that people diagnosed with HIV go through 10,000 emotions when diagnosed and one's life and mentality changes a great deal that to keep one's sanity we talk and deal with what we can. Give him some time, if he is taking his medicine and is visiting his doc and is not harming himself, respect his decision to not talk about it.

Cokaine

Teresa · « **Reply #3 on:** June 21, 2007, 08:09:53 pm »

My hubby will not talk about his AIDS. The only time he mentions anything is to tell me I need to call in his meds for refill. The only thing he has read about it is the lessons here and I had him read about Atripla when he started that. I know more about HIV/AIDS then he does. When we get a copy of his labs I try to go over them with him and all he wants to know is if hes still doing OK. After I tell him that's all he wants to know so he doesn't discuss it anymore. He doesn't ask his Dr anything, he will mention something to me and have me ask his Dr. or have me look it up on here. He says he feels good and that's enough for him. He doesn't need to know anything about HIV/AIDS as long as hes feeling good. Its been a little over a year since he found out he has AIDS.

So I am so thankful for this site and everyone here!

Hugs
Teresa

camille07 · « **Reply #4 on:** June 21, 2007, 08:25:10 pm »

I was in the same situation when Jack was diagnosed with full blown aids and needed help understanding the numbers of his lab. I still take him to the doctors, get his refills, and go over blood work numbers, but that's as close as it gets for him. I have a better perspective now and will definitely give him the space he needs. I don't need to talk about it or use it as a topic of conversation amongst the two of us.

camille07 · « **Reply #5 on:** June 21, 2007, 08:26:37 pm »

Quote from: camille07 on June 21, 2007, 08:25:10 pm

I was in the same situation when Jack was diagnosed with full blown aids and needed help understanding the numbers of his lab. I still take him to the doctors, get his refills, and go over blood work numbers, but that's as close as it gets for him. I have a better perspective now and will definitely give him the space he needs. I don't need to talk about it or use it as a topic of conversation amongst the two of us.

I too am very grateful for this site.

RapidRod · « **Reply #6 on:** June 21, 2007, 08:54:14 pm »

I don't talk to any of my friends a whole lot on on HIV or AIDS. We always have a lot of other things to discuss. I don't think you will talk about it as much after you've lived with it a while.

dtwpuck · « **Reply #7 on:** June 21, 2007, 08:57:55 pm »

Camille... everyone deals with it differently, and for some people, not talking about it IS dealing with it. It does not mean he isn't having a constant internal dialogue. There might come a time when it all comes out and he starts to talk about it with you, or there might not. In any case I assure you that he is 100 percent aware that he has hiv.

Basquo · « **Reply #8 on:** June 21, 2007, 10:10:09 pm »

Quote from: Teresa on June 21, 2007, 08:09:53 pm

My hubby will not talk about his AIDS. The only time he mentions anything is to tell me I need to call in his meds for refill. The only thing he has read about it is the lessons here and I had him read about Atripla when he started that. I know more about HIV/AIDS then he does. When we get a copy of his labs I try to go over them with him and all he wants to know is if hes still doing OK. After I tell him that's all he wants to know so he doesn't discuss it anymore. He doesn't ask his Dr anything, he will mention something to me and have me ask his Dr. or have me look it up on here. He says he feels good and that's enough for him. He doesn't need to know anything about HIV/AIDS as long as hes feeling good. Its been a little over a year since he found out he has AIDS.
Hugs
Teresa

Your story echoes mine. I packed little fatty snacks in his book bag for him to take with his luchtime meds. I explained his labwork. I told him he has AIDS. No one else had the balls to do so.

DanielMark · « **Reply #9 on:** June 22, 2007, 06:16:05 am »

Welcome Camille,

This virus didn't come with handbook so its hard to determine how to approach certain situations.

That would be nice wouldn't it. Unfortunately, it would also be useless since different people all respond to situations in different ways.

I would suggest you let your friend come to you when he's ready to discuss this. I’m sure he’s got plenty of inner discussions going on. An HIV diagnosis can be quite a shocker. Give him time and respect his boundaries. From what you wrote it doesn't seem like he's in denial at all, but rather he’s just not ready to talk about it yet.

Daniel

bear60 · « **Reply #10 on:** June 22, 2007, 09:32:16 am »

Camille
I live with an HIV positive LIFE PARTNER who also refuses to look at AidsMeds. He does not like to dwell on the subject of HIV.
After being together with this person for 14 years, I know it is useless to try to "change him". He has his way of dealing with HIV , I have mine.
I am sorry to have to tell you this but there is nothing you can do and he will only resent your attempts to MAKE him talk about HIV. If you want to remain friends....let him be.

GSOgymrat · « **Reply #11 on:** June 22, 2007, 09:44:05 am »

My situation is very similar to Bears. My partner would never look on AIDSmeds. I mentioned AMG and his reaction was "Why in the world would you want to do that? You want to meet total strangers who all you have in common with is a virus?" He will talk about HIV if there is something to discuss but honestly after 14 years there is nothing much else to say about it.

camille07 · « **Reply #12 on:** June 22, 2007, 09:50:17 am »

You're right, he's not in denial, he just doesn't want to talk about it. Our lives are filled so many other things, good things to discuss over the proverbial dinner table.

carousel · « **Reply #13 on:** June 22, 2007, 10:07:01 am »

I was wondering if this might have more to with your need to talk about HIV and how it is affecting your friend.

Finding out can be a real shock and I think sometimes we can forget how much it impacts on those around us.

Some people don't particularly want to talk about it. When my best friend got his diagnosis, it took ages for us to discuss. We still don't talk about how it affecting him, just the ins and outs of getting help or medical assistance.

camille07 · « **Reply #14 on:** June 22, 2007, 10:53:44 am »

I've known about a year and a half now and never really need to talk about it myself. My need to talk about it was related to volunteer work, for instance, who was involved, who needed what etc, the people I met....just because it was part of my day. Or at my church we have a support group for people with HIV/AIDS and I would find myself wanting to talk about what were doing for individuals in need. It was relative to my day's activities.

Oh and I wanted to mention that hearing from other people on the subject really put things in perspective and that I completely respect my friends desire not to talk about it. If this is a guy that will be my life partner, then I will be considerate of his approach to this topic.

bimazek · « **Reply #15 on:** June 22, 2007, 02:22:34 pm »

denial

they call it protective denial for a reason the person needs to protect his mind, sanity, from the harsh realities

compassion is a constant practice

i saw an old movie from like the 50s it said

the hardest lesson in life for humans to learn is that

we are not immortal

i guess every day we think we will go on forever

allopathicholistic · « **Reply #16 on:** June 24, 2007, 01:35:45 pm »

Quote from: camille07 on June 21, 2007, 07:30:34 pm

It seems every time I bring up something regarding poz.com or anything relating to HIV the subject digresses, and quickly.

I should have my friend (neg) log on here and type his experience with me from 2000-2005. He would ask: "So are you going to stay on top of your HIV?"

Me: "It's not open for discussion." (with a brusque tone)

Friend: "Don't you think you should learn about it? Talk to others?"

Me: same response

This occurred 3 times in 5 years. Eventually he chose to remain silent as he knew my answer wouldn' t change but obviously he did try. I just wasn't willing to face the realities until my physical condition deteriorated and forced me to face them

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Author Topic: Anyone experience denial from poz friend or partner (Read 5038 times)