Reading your post was very powerful,for me it was honest,concise and therefore I could relate to your dilemma , not just from my own experiences but from your ability to communicate your situation.
I confess it was a relieve to read that you had contacted and talked to your Doc. As bt and Henry have said and what I have experienced telling your Psychiatrist that you feel like you want to die is differant from making detailed plans about killing ones self, the skilled worker will know this.
When not consumed by the things that make me think about dying and reflecting on the circumstances at the time I am often struck by how sane it is to have those feelings. Who would want to experience it,however I am very grateful that I have never acted on the feelings , for me they are my warning sign ,I suspect and hope that they are yours too.
As to a dread off living in certain institutions, ,I remember a therapist saying to me that was a Major reason why I wasn't,.
Before I sign off I would like to also say how much I agree with BT and Henry that if/when you find a therapist you feel is right for you , be as open and honest as you can.
I hope the tremors can be sorted, Take care and good luck.
mhtv
TexasPOZ:
Thank you for your post. I understand and relate to what you wrote. I've been dealing with depression and anxiety all my life, diagnosed 17 years ago, but I think I suffered from it before then. I too have tried almost every antidepressant there is, in combinations of 2 or 3 at a time. Several suicide attempts. I'll do ok for a while, and then for no reason that I'm aware of, it will get worse. I've self medicated with street drugs and alcohol at times. Right now I'm doing pretty good. My meds seem to be working ok, I have a therapist I feel comfortable talking to, and I have a job that doesn't stress me out too badly. But I know what it feels like to just be afraid that one of these days I'm going to wake up totally depressed and hopeless or that one of these nights I'm not going to be able to get to sleep because I'm depressed. There is definitely a fear there of being depressed. I dread the day that it starts. I try to make the most of the good days. I really hate the fact that people who haven't suffered from depression just don't get it. My family and friends are like that. There is just nothing I can do to get them to understand how awful it feels abnd why some days I just can't get up and go to work. I've given up on even trying to get them to understand. It frustrates me because I don't think they really try to understand. My family thinks if you just keep yourself busy, everything will be ok. The problem is #1, when I'm depressed, I'm to tired to stay busy, and #2 even if I am busy, I'm still thinking. It's hard for me to talk to someone about the suicidal thoughts when they come. If you have someone to talk to about them that is great. Like I said, I have a good therapist I can talk to, and I feel like I can tell her. I try not to lie to her. I feel like there should be at least one person in my life that I'm honest with. With most other people, I feel like I have to filter what I say because I don't want to burden them with my problems. Or they're not going to understand anyway, so what's the point in telling them. When things get really bad, I go check myself in to the hospital. I've had a few hospital visits that were helpful, just getting away from the stress. I've also had a few hospital visits that were horrible. So right now I'm trying to stay out of the hospital. I guess my point is, that depression is an ongoing battle. I completely understand the fear of being depressed that you talked about. And if posting on here makes you feel a little better, than by all means post to your hearts content. You helped me feel better just knowing I'm not alone. Take care and best wishes for you.
osric:
First, THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH! I really needed the encouragement from you guys to start digging out of this hole.
My doctors have fiddled with my meds a bit and my mood is better. But the suicidal thoughts are still there kind of haunting me in the background. I'm beginning to learn how to set them aside and do other things to occupy my mind. I started some meditation exercises and I'm collecting inspirational quotes to give me some hopeful thoughts. Post-it notes on the bathroom mirror actually help!
I found a great drop-in center and a support group that meets daily. The first time I went to check in the guy at the desk thought I was a volunteer, which made me feel good about my recent rebound in being able to take care of myself. (I must say though that I usually only go to my doc appointments when I feel good, so I generally look reasonably well put together; it's when I'm at my worst that I just hide in the corner with my teddy bear and don't leave the house.)
The support group is a great mix of people from all walks of life and all stages of living with HIV. I've gotten a huge outpouring of support from everyone I've met. And it's a bit of a reality check to finally meet other people who are dealing with this successfully. I'm starting to realize there are more difficult things to deal with in life than this disease.
So there's some hope now that I can start turning my attention to some practical matters in my life... (I'm off to start a new thread)
osric:
Ugh. Things have gotten a lot worse again. I feel like I'm losing my mind. No job, no money, just doctors poking and prodding and writing prescriptions and telling me I'm okay and I'll feel better.
I don't feel better.
Where do I go to get help? My ASO has been useless. They don't even have any support groups right now.
I don't have the cash to buy a bus ticket to go to the doctor, so I've been walking three miles each way. I've been walking so much that the soles are falling off of my shoes and I have huge blisters on my feet. I ran out of razor blades and shaving cream. My cell phone was disconnected since I can't pay the bill. I bounced a check for my health insurance so now I have a negative bank account balance and no insurance coverage. My parents gave me $10,000 last year but it's gone now and they have nothing more to lend me. My mom thinks I should apply for social security benefits.
I found a program downtown (another three miles) that serves breakfast and lunch so at least I can eat a couple of times a day. But I get *really* agitated when I'm there and last Friday got in a heated argument and nearly decked a guy who was coming on to me.
Where do you guys turn for help when it gets this bad?
osric:
OK. I just wrote a 7,000 word tome that I was going to post here, but I can't bear to dump a whole week's worth of drama on the forum.
In sum, my insurance stopped paying for my seizure meds (Lamictal) so I went without them for a week, ended up in the ER, barely avoided getting admitted for a 7-day inpatient vacation in the psych ward, and got an eviction letter from my landlord. I tried to get into a partial hospital program but my insurance has a deductible of $1500 and the partial program wants that paid up front in order to admit me. Ha. I barely have bus money.
Somehow I left the hospital with a new prescription - now I take Ativan, apparently to help transition me back onto the Lamictal.
I have two days unaccounted for. One I scribbled "slept all day" on my calendar and the other is completely blank in my mind. And I don't think I ate at all on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday.
I got some help from a counselor at my ASO to figure out a few priorities (lunch was a good start, though I wasn't hungry), so I finally applied for SSDI and I have an appointment on Monday to talk with a housing advocate to find a new place to live.
So that was this week. I have some seizure meds (horray). I still have nagging suicidal thoughts (ugh).
Tomorrow is Sunday. I have no idea what I'll do with myself. Perhaps I'll put in some quality time with my teddy bear and Netflix.