something deep within

[Michaels-Journey]

About 15 years ago, my friend gave me a framed photo with some prose.  It is of a flower, growing out of a crack in the barren, clay ground.  It reads:  "There are defining moments in a life...when faced with the choice of giving up or going on."  Was it foreshadowing some troubling times that lay ahead for me that my friend gave it to me, because in all honesty I feel like I've been to Hell and back multiple times in the past 10 years.  I know I'm not special, everyone has troubles, but I feel like I've had my fair share and deserve better.  Everyone deserves better than a drug addiction that seems to take everything away.  From my own experience...

Right now I'm going through the pain of relapse.  I'm confused, my family is bewildered, all in time for Christmas.  I just want to crawl into a hole and come-to in January.  I won't though, instead I'll dig down deep and hang onto my personal, beautiful, life-affirming hope and determination that is sometimes hard to find, but always there.

Thanks to the people who have shared their experiences.  Rehab, 12-step, professionals.  I know that my hope and determination never dies, because its comes from others.  With gratitude.  Peace.

37 y/o gay male
Ontario, Canada (brrrrrrrrr)
used drugs first time 10 years ago in the Circuit Scene
developed a crystal meth addiction
HIV+ since 5 years
On disability for 3.5 years due to the addiction
Homeless, living with parents temporarily

Hope for 2009:
recovery for myself and all those who have a desire
stable housing
return to work

[BT65]

Michaels-Journey,

Welcome to the forums.  I'm extremely empathetic to your situation.

I've been "around" recovery since 1989, totally clean now for a little over three years.  My addiction took me down also, to the point I wanted to bury myself and never come out.

You have to really put your mind around wanting to remain clean, going to 12-step meetings (I know some people can stay clean without meetings etc., but not the majority), working through the 12 steps, and maintaining a drug-free life through other ways of socializing.  It is possible.  And you know, since you've been clean before, that life does improve, maybe slowly, but it does without the use of drugs.  Just take one day, a bit at a time; you can do it.  Hell, if I can, anyone can (believe me, no one would believe my story). 

I wish you peace and recovery this holiday season, and the start of your new, drug/alcohol-free life.
  Luv,
Betty

[AndyArrow]

Hello Michael,

I wanted to add my welcome & let you know that their a lot of people here who can relate to your story. 

Having to move back in with your parents can be another big blow to your ego.  I had to leave Chicago and move back to small town Indiana (the weather isn't much better here 27 (-3c) and snowing) to be near family as they helped me get myself together.

Here is to all of your hopes coming true in 2009.

Hug!
AA

[Michaels-Journey]

Hi Betty, Hi Andy,

Nice to meet you both here in the forum.  Betty I like what you said about "really put your mind around recovery," and the work that needs to be done in 12-step program.

Hey Andy, thanks for letting me know that I'm not alone in moving back to my parents.  I should not undervalue the help that family provides.

**hugz**

Michael

[BT65]

Darling, recovery is not for the weak.

[AndyArrow]

Having my family (no matter how dysfunctional) has been what has brought me back from being 6'3 & 79lbs [July 2007]  with a feeding tube (Sorry Betty - I won't get graphic) to now 6'3 180lbs + (and the + is just because of extra holiday snack foods and I'll have it worked off in no time ... honest!) and no feeding tube. 

Hugs & Stuff
AA

[kajnjewel]

Hi Michael's Journey:

Remember Michael that life is a journey.  It sounds like to me you "are" reaching out and that is what it takes.  That first step is to admityou have a problem.  That you have - continue working those 12 steps and you will be able to live free from you dugs of choice.

I moved back home to live with my mom.  It does feel like one is giving up their indepedence but in moving back home and getting the help I needed financially (rent, etc.) was a positive move in my life.  That was 10 years ago.  Now my mom needs my help and I am there for her.  It does seem that what goes around does come back around. 

I am grateful for 13 years of being drug free from abusing prescription drugs.  I kept telling myself it ain't that bad since they are legal but an addiction is an addiction and it took me working a 12 step program, going tosupport groups and being around people that were clean and sober from their addictions to  realize that I am NOT alone. 

Continue to reach out to others, your higher power and from deep within and remember to take it one day at time and you will come out on top.