POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Someone I Care About Has HIV => Topic started by: brighton33 on September 09, 2012, 03:15:15 pm
-
Recently started dating a guy and last weekend he told me he was HIV+, has been for a few years and isn't on meds. I do have history around health anxiety surrounding HIV after having been put on PEP last year so I was a bit taken aback (but didn't show it to him)
Sex wise we've had oral sex, not anal, and I'm already panicing (i don't have great oral health, I get bleeding gums when I brush my teeth) Apparently the doctors said that he doesn't need medications at the moment, would it be wrong for me to push that further and ask him to enquire more about going on meds? Even though we've been dating for a short while I want this to last and I want to have sex with him as part of the relationship and I feel if he was on meds I wouldn't be worrying about oral sex like I am now.
-
Why don't you take care of your own defenses against HIV? If you are worried about your gums, why don't you go to the dentist and get your mouth in better shape? I don't see you have any legitimate reason to ask a partner to protect you from something that is your own responsibility to take care of. He'll probably go on meds when the doctors say its a good idea and when he is ready. Your oral health doesn't mean jack squat in that calculation.
You realise when someone starts HAART its more or less forever. So a pretty big decision. You've known this guy a few weeks! You've got some chutzpah!
Maybe when and if you are committed partners you might have something to say about the advantages to your couple of him being seronegative.
Also, read a bit here about the real risks of oral transmission. It's pretty slight. How about using condoms, and cleaning up your mouth, and taking things as they are and dealing with it. Or not. The not being, politely bow out because you can't handle your fears.
-
Yup ... and it's because I'm looking for this to move into being committed partners that I'm thinking about these issues.
-
Well, you didn't answer the question. Is there some reason you can't bring your oral hygiene up to snuff?
I don't think its a good idea, especially as a build up and (perhaps?) a pre-requisite to a relation, to ask a potential lover to do something major for you when you haven't moved your own butt. I were in his shoes I would read that as self-centered.
-
Unless your oral hygeine means "meth mouth" then you have little to nothing to worry about. Just don't brush your teeth while giving head.
Also, go for a softer brush, chew gum instead (which stimulates saliva- and saliva renders HIV inactive) ans communicate your history with your partner.
I know it was months and months before my current partner was in a position to even make vague suggestions regarding my health and my upkeep of the same. I submit that a few weeks in is a little soon.
Maybe when you guys decide to be committed, your partner will let you go with him to the doctor?
-
With regards to the my oral hygiene I have a dental appointment booked for a couple of weeks (booked before I'd even met him)
Thanks, jkinatl2, I certainly don't have meth mouth (I did google and regretted looking at the pics instantly) And yes, it is way too early to start making suggestions to him I appreciate that.
Maybe I should just admit to him I'm a bit scared about it and just take it from there.
-
Maybe I should just admit to him I'm a bit scared about it and just take it from there.
Yes that's a far better idea than asking him to go on meds.... That was a very bad idea!
Oral hygiene takes more than one doctor visit. You probably need at least a good scaling of your roots. Sorry but that will make you bleed quite a bit! Also, fix any cavaties. Then, you have to get in the habit of brushing AND flossing. Eventually your gums will heal, and no more bleeding.
-
Yeah Mecch, it was a fairly bad idea even for me :) It would certainly make life less complicated but that's coming from a selfish point of view on my part.
I had a good chat with him this afternoon, he said he'd never put me at risk which is why he never ejaculated during oral. I told him that I wasn't able to even do that at the moment until my gums have been worked on. So we will take things slowly in the bedroom department. He says that he copes really well with everything and that he only has to go to the clinic every 6 months as his body copes well with it. He said the worst part was the dating side of things and how hard it is to tell people, so I felt a bit guilty about suddenly saying "no oral" but at least things are out in the open on both our sides now.
-
Yeah Mecch, it was a fairly bad idea even for me :) It would certainly make life less complicated but that's coming from a selfish point of view on my part.
I had a good chat with him this afternoon, he said he'd never put me at risk which is why he never ejaculated during oral. I told him that I wasn't able to even do that at the moment until my gums have been worked on. So we will take things slowly in the bedroom department. He says that he copes really well with everything and that he only has to go to the clinic every 6 months as his body copes well with it. He said the worst part was the dating side of things and how hard it is to tell people, so I felt a bit guilty about suddenly saying "no oral" but at least things are out in the open on both our sides now.
I think it's great that the two of you have good communication. Maybe by the time his next doctor visit rolls around, you will be able to go with. Find out viral load, all that stuff.
BTW, if you think science has the tiniest shot as breaching your defenses, feel free to read the volumes of stuff about oral sex that Ann and I routinely post in AM I INFECTED.
Basically, we recommend oral sex as safer sex.
-
Thanks Jkinatl2, and I've read a great post of yours where you post the science behind it all. The three long term studies and the American study where they followed msm who only performed oral and all these studies showed not one infection - pretty conclusive. I'm only being hesitant purely because my oral health is bad at the moment, receding gums that bleed and i think I'd be happy just getting that sorted and then I'll be in a good place. It is frustrating that you get decent honest advice backed by science here and then you look at a site like THT where they state that it is passed on by oral, with no links or studies etc. For a organisation that is supposed to reduce the stigma around HIV that really doesn't help.
-
Yeah Mecch, it was a fairly bad idea even for me :) It would certainly make life less complicated but that's coming from a selfish point of view on my part.
I had a good chat with him this afternoon, he said he'd never put me at risk which is why he never ejaculated during oral. I told him that I wasn't able to even do that at the moment until my gums have been worked on. So we will take things slowly in the bedroom department. He says that he copes really well with everything and that he only has to go to the clinic every 6 months as his body copes well with it. He said the worst part was the dating side of things and how hard it is to tell people, so I felt a bit guilty about suddenly saying "no oral" but at least things are out in the open on both our sides now.
He sounds like me. Best of luck to you both.
-
Hey Brighton - could you check your PM's ? Its a teeny weeny little link on the left sidebar. I have some questions for you about your long term tolerance of the PEP meds. We had some of the same problems after finishing PEP. I'll shoot you the PM now. Sorry to hijack your thread. This is pretty important.