POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: Ac75088 on June 22, 2011, 10:22:50 pm
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I was diagnosed back in January 2008..I still can't bring myself to tell my family I have HIV..I even had to lie about a recent hospital stay...I just know how conservative they are and they have always thought highly of me..And I just know that they will link my HIV with "bad irresponsible behavior"..there is only so many ways you can get it.....Some days I forget about it and just live my life..Other days the guilt really weighs on me..I have one close friend and his wife that I told a few months after I tested poz and they have been so great...But my family I'm afraid will be a different story..I don't even wanna date anyone anymore and that is very sucky..My family also doesn't know that I'm gay, then again, neither do the friends I told my status to..I'm just one huge lie right now...guess I'm just lookin for someone who understands and can relate..
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Ac -
I'm sure you will find others who can relate. I stayed in the "gay closet" with my family until I was about 33 or 34. When I did come out - for the most part they were supportive. There were ups and downs. But, overall, while they didn't understand it - they accepted it.
I told them I was poz right after I confirmed my status. It really isn't something that we discuss much - as they prefer to stay in denial about it in a strange kind of way -- it comes up every now and then - but not too often.
For me, them knowing has made my life so much easier --- I don't have to live a lie - I don't have to seek their approval. And, in many ways, it has actually made us get along better. While I'm sure my mom particularly would love for me to be straight and negative - oh well, it is just one of those things that she has to deal with. I have learned that if someone has an issue with it, it is their issue, not mine.
I have spent too much time in my life getting alright with me to have anyone take that away.
But, disclosing to family is very much an individual decision - very much. How ever you decide to proceed, just know that you have support from your friends on these forums.
-Phil
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yea i keep my gayness to myself and of course the dudes i do obviously know. yea so i know what your going through. oh yea im not gay but i hiv. yea its nuts. closeted about two huge things sucks. the stigma from this thing is bullshit. i hate it so much. we dont get any of the sympathy other people get.
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Well, it depends on many things. Do you want to tell them? Do you feel like you have to tell them? Is hiding this from them a burden for you?
I live away from my parents, so it's easy to hide things from them. Regardless, I don't plan to tell them. Ever. But I have my reasons. You should consider what is best for you.
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I had sworn I wouldn't tell my family for a long time! They are also conservative. None of them even knew I about me being gay, leave alone HIV. Well it didn't work out so well, (without going into detail) my mom found out by accident that I am gay and poz!!! She told my sister. I live with my family so I knew I couldn't have hidden it forever.
In the last couple of months that they've known they've been most supportive. Yeah, there was the initial shock and hysteria but that's expected. My mom, also had a million questions about me being gay- which I guess is normal. I do feel like a huge weight if off my shoulders now. The burden of secrecy can oftentimes be much worse than imagined disclosure consequences.
I still tend to think that I've let them down and do get angry that about the way they found out but what can I do. My feelings of having failed them- might be me projecting, but it does get to me. I can't really say they've treated me any differently since they found out. Not one bit. So can't complain much.
Anyway, I totally agree that its entirely your call and only you will know if and when the time to disclose comes. Good luck.
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I was diagnosed back in January 2008..I still can't bring myself to tell my family I have HIV..I even had to lie about a recent hospital stay...I just know how conservative they are and they have always thought highly of me..And I just know that they will link my HIV with "bad irresponsible behavior"..there is only so many ways you can get it.....Some days I forget about it and just live my life..Other days the guilt really weighs on me..I have one close friend and his wife that I told a few months after I tested poz and they have been so great...But my family I'm afraid will be a different story..I don't even wanna date anyone anymore and that is very sucky..My family also doesn't know that I'm gay, then again, neither do the friends I told my status to..I'm just one huge lie right now...guess I'm just lookin for someone who understands and can relate..
I can relate to you... My story is very similar to your except for the detail that everyone in my house (mom, dad, sister and one of my aunts) knows about my status, but it was because they were there with me at the moment of my diagnosis (I had a full blown aids diagnosis back in 2008. The wasting syndrome almost left me on my bones). After my Dx,I thought they would kick me out of the house, they are very conservative too. But for my surprise, they supported me all way over! I've had a failed suicide attempt and everything and they were the ones who kept me alive through those hard moments (I wish I knew about this site back in 2008, it would helped me a lot that time).
I'm also gay, and still in the closet, even for my family. It's a heavy burden, but I'm not ready to throw that bomb out ... I don't know how they react, and if they kick me out of the house...I'll have to abide their choice and It's not very attractive to me to be poz and homeless (Even though financially I pay most of the house bills and only me and my mom work in my house). And even if I get out of the closet, it would be useless...who would want to be with me? getting out of the frigging closet to be rejected everytime? no thanks, I prefer the closet.
Sometimes I hate myself so much..poz and gay, I feel like the freaky of my family. I really admire those who see thir status as an honor badge...for me, being HIV+ (with a nice Aids diagnosis attached) is a flaw of my character, how I could not think right on two specific moments of my life (I know who gave me this damn virus) and being irrsponsible to myself...nothing to be proud of. If only I could go back in time...I would stayed as a frigging closeted gay virgin to this day.
Well, at least in my case, my family at least support me with my HIV burden. After my Dx, I totally isolated myself, nobody outside of my house knows about this, and I don't have any friends to share this burden, at least you have someone.
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I'm just one huge lie right now...guess I'm just lookin for someone who understands and can relate..
+1.
But (for many reasons) this is the only option right now.
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Whether you tell them or not, one day they're gonna find out.
They always do.
So how do you want your kin to learn your disgusting secret? On your terms or on terms set by someone else?
MtD
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I was diagnosed back in January 2008..I still can't bring myself to tell my family I have HIV..I even had to lie about a recent hospital stay...I just know how conservative they are and they have always thought highly of me..And I just know that they will link my HIV with "bad irresponsible behavior"..there is only so many ways you can get it.....Some days I forget about it and just live my life..Other days the guilt really weighs on me..I have one close friend and his wife that I told a few months after I tested poz and they have been so great...But my family I'm afraid will be a different story..I don't even wanna date anyone anymore and that is very sucky..My family also doesn't know that I'm gay, then again, neither do the friends I told my status to..I'm just one huge lie right now...guess I'm just lookin for someone who understands and can relate..
You have to stop living all the lies. Its not healthy. I was terrified to tell my family. I told my Mom I was gay and living with a black man. 2 months later I tested poz and had to tell them that. They have been so supportive except my sister. She disowned me. Her loss. I couldn't live if I didn't have the support from my parents. If they can't accept you for who you are thats there problem. But give them a chance. Living a lie must be horrible. Just bite the bullet and tell them. I bet you feel so much better. They will be shocked but if they love you they will always love you no matter what. And if they can't accept you its there loss. But you having to lie and not be yourself around them is terrible and must be so uncomfortable. Good luck my friend!!
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I told my Mom I was gay and living with a black man.
Wow. She must have been so depressed!! ::)
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as much as i love my family and i know that they love me,i will tell you without a doubt that i am treated differently because of my status and that makes me very sad.I was even told by my nephew that his mother told him that i deserved what i got because i am GAY!!MY nephew happens to be gay and is so afraid to come out to his BIBLE TOTING parents ,he is now 37 yrs old and still lives at home.HE is very lonely and i try to help him but i am limited to what i can do because his parents frown on my association with him,they have often said that they thought that my GAYNESS would rub off on him....little do they know!!!!!ANYWAY MY advice to you would be not to tell your family about your status especially if you have not come out to them about your sexuality.THIS IS ONLY MY OPINION!!
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As a counterpoint, once I told my parents and my one brother/sister-in-law I actually became much closer to all of them, and received the most incredible amount of support. They're so comfy talking about teh AIDS that they want to hear my lab reports/numbers when I go to the doctor each time. It's not even so much a "worry" thing, just a genuine interest (my mother had breast cancer in the 90's so she's down with the health crisis thingie). Even extended family knows, cousins and stuff. And this is not a particularly liberal-filthy hippie family, they're once-a-week church types.
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I certainly understand your fears about disclosing to your family. I also know that lies and secrets can make you sick, perhaps in a different way, but just as 'real' as any other illness.
I agree with Matty, they usually find out anyway, and it would be better for them to find out on YOUR terms than them hearing it from a stranger as nasty gossip.....
Best of luck with this,
Alan
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I agree with Alan, Philly, and Matty. You can either disclose to your family at a time and place of your own choosing, or you can just wait and leave it up to chance. Eventually they will find out. So why not take the bull by the horns and disclose? This applies both the being gay, and having.
The desire to keep these secrets comes from shame. You need to identify the source of that shame, and conquer it. Otherwise you will continue to spend much time and effort to keep secrets, and that drains you, mentally, emotionally and physically. In other words, it makes you miserable, because you're not free to live your life, you are busy hiding it from others.
I'm not saying it will be easy. I don't know how your family will react, but you know you can't control that. So you need to decide what is best for you: disclose and deal with the consequences, or continue to hide and be miserable. If you need help with accepting being gay and HIV, you may want to work with a therapist or other mental health professional. They are good at helping you sort these things out.
Regards,
Henry
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Henry offered some fantastic advice here: (can we get this printed on a flier, t-shirt, coffee mug etc.?)
"The desire to keep these secrets comes from shame. You need to identify the source of that shame, and conquer it. Otherwise you will continue to spend much time and effort to keep secrets, and that drains you, mentally, emotionally and physically. In other words, it makes you miserable, because you're not free to live your life, you are busy hiding it from others."
Its not about the 'secret'...it's about the shame you've lumped on it. But that being said, you are where you are with it--and that's ok. I think disclosure is an art and not a science. Take a breath. Think about how'd you'd want to hear this information from someone you loved and start putting together a plan.
Remember though--the ONLY thing we can control in a disclosure--is when and how we do it. We have never had any control about what people do with the information or how they take it.
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As a counterpoint, once I told my parents and my one brother/sister-in-law I actually became much closer to all of them, and received the most incredible amount of support. They're so comfy talking about teh AIDS that they want to hear my lab reports/numbers when I go to the doctor each time. It's not even so much a "worry" thing, just a genuine interest (my mother had breast cancer in the 90's so she's down with the health crisis thingie). Even extended family knows, cousins and stuff. And this is not a particularly liberal-filthy hippie family, they're once-a-week church types.
Dear Lord, another similarity between myself and MissP! I have become much closer to my family as well and they also take a genuine interest in the labs. My brother is a 'health nut', an admin at a hospital and my mom works in a hospital so they have 'health crisis fascination' for lack of a better term. My sister, who has been my rock at times has an incredibly sarcastic sense of humor. When I had 8 T cells, she and I named them! Now that we're up over 300, she's given up LOL! :)
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the one thing i can say is the longer you do it
the harder it is to come clean.
i disagree calling it living a lie
i do not consider it in anyway a lie at all. ::)
i always told myself i would NEVER EVER lie about my hiv status
to ANYONE if i was ever asked ANYWHERE
and i have kept true to that word and always will.
last time was
at my dentist
the question was on his form..check
if you never ever lie about it
how can it be called a lie or living one??? ???
i have had some very bad experiances with disclosure/stigma
and a few good ones,whatever the outcome is it
always complicates things and changes the game.
people are very ignorant in these parts to the
extreme at times even today...
i wish i had a camera the last time my path crossed with a hiv phobe
some of the funnest stuff i ever saw but
sad at the same time
i know that sooner or later i will get cornered and will have to
disclose my status to them.
for over 13 years so far i haven't been cornered yet.
for now it is a part of my life that hiv has not invaded,
i have the temporary control of that part of my life
that still has a semblance of normalcy that keeps me somewhat sane.
good luck with your choice
it is a hard
and very personal one to make and
there is probably no right or wrong one.
just make the one that feels the best inside of you
thats all that matters
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Hi,
Lost of various strategies around.
Mine: I keep telling my family and friends about the meds I take I take and the fight against .... 'diabetes'
LOL
Helps explain the pill box, the doc visits, the worries and fatigue. Works for me; easier for them to swallow
Just some thoughts
Peace
Eric
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I have both told family members and not told. Telling is definitely easier but not always the smart thing to do. Some people assume that someone's biological family is their support system but unfortunately it doesn't always work that way. My advice is 1) it is your health and you are under no obligation to tell your relatives: tell them when it is right for YOU, 2) unless you are certain someone will be supportive don't tell until you are comfortable dealing with it yourself (having your father tell you you deserve HIV is much worse if you believe that already), 3) if you can't share your HIV status with your biological family share with another support system, 4) don't underestimate the energy it takes to maintain a deception.
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Whether you tell someone is entirely up to you. If someone you care for somehow or inadvertently finds out later, they have to accept your reason for keeping it a secret without question. There are many many reasons why you would not disclose your status to your family. It's not always black or white. Not only that, dynamics in a family are different from household to household.
After my baby brother came out of the closet to the family a few years ago, I decided there would not be a need for me to. As my mother is no longer alive, my dad is closely approaching 70. I see no need to put my dad through giving him a double whammy, "yeah, dad, I'm gay - and and I have HIV too". If he dies not knowing this, I am totally fine with that.
I have two younger brothers. I told my baby brother who is also gay. I just have to find the right time to tell my middle one.
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It must be incredibly lonely not to be able to share your life with your family. I think may parents and my partner spend more time together than they do with me. I told my parents I was gay when I was 15. Actually my boyfriends father called them and told them "your son is sleeping with my son." but thats another topic alltogether.
Even if your parents or other family members dont approve that you got the hiv sometimes you need to be selfish and tell them you dont care your just asking for their support. I they are your family they should be able to provide it.
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It must be incredibly lonely not to be able to share your life with your family. I think may parents and my partner spend more time together than they do with me. I told my parents I was gay when I was 15. Actually my boyfriends father called them and told them "your son is sleeping with my son." but thats another topic alltogether.
Even if your parents or other family members dont approve that you got the hiv sometimes you need to be selfish and tell them you dont care your just asking for their support. I they are your family they should be able to provide it.
I envy you. I envy anyone raised by progressive families. My parents are not from this country. They still have the old country mindset. I know with absolute certainty that I will be disowned, especially being first born.
I find my peace, my comfort and my fulfillment from building lifelong friendships. There isn't a thing my best friend wouldn't do for me and vice versa.
I don't find that I would gain anything at all by telling my dad. Given his age, I will probably outlive him. I just want him to stay a happy man.
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I understand that. Its good that you have built strong friendships that can also be your family. I just think its important to have someone close you can seek support from.
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I'll also add that my parents got really mad at me when I told them I was HIV+. Not because I had HIV, but because I waited a decade to tell them, suffering all by my lonesome.
By the way, the thought that your parents will be eternally saddened by this news is BS. They'll be sad for a week or so, but after that they positively live for the fact that they can help you in some sublime way. Parents like to be needed.
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While I definitely respect each person's decision on whether to keep their sexual orientation and/or HIV status "secret."
I will say from personal experience and gaining insight over the years a few things:
1) I had a friend who came out and his dad disowned him for about 4 years - but then came around and they are closer than ever
2) My disclosure to family (parents included) brought me closer to my family - were my parents happy about it? No - but did they accept it? Yes
3) I believe that coming out w/ sexual orientation and/or status can be one of the most liberating things one can do --- IMHO, not coming out is allowing others to have control over my life - something I didn't realize before I came out, but afterwards, when I came out, I realized that I had been letting others dictate how I proceed in life ---- not happening here, not anymore
4) Hiding two very major parts of one's life from those closest - IMHO - is not being loving, considerate, respectful --- it is, in fact, keeping people at a distance and depriving them of knowing the real me.
5) Now that I am out - with both the HIV and being gay - it really isn't an issue --- afterall, being gay and being poz is not exclusively who I am --- I still pay bills, I still like movies, I still like to talk about politics and a host of other subjects that have nothing to do with being gay or being poz.
6) Non disclosure - IMHO feeds and reinforces stigma. Looking back over my closeted years, I can't believe I had the audacity to knock homophobes, criticize those who weren't tolerate, or have opinions whether expressed out loud or kept to myself that questioned how people could not give gays equality and not discriminate against those with HIV ------ when my act of nondisclosure to the people who were supposed to be closest to me in my life - was far worse than what I criticized and/or judged others for doing.
I'm glad I got over the hump -- it has made me a better person --- and a secret that is no longer a secret can't hurt me.
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All should bear in mind that each person has different relationships with their families. In my case, my father and I don't talk to each other for years anyway, and if I told him, which I would never do, he would only humilliate me. As for my mother, she's bipolar, depressive, and has tried to commit suicide three times. I constantly have to take care of her. If I told her, it would be easier to just stick a knife into her heart.
So all this speech of "disclosing to your family is good" is completely irresponsible if you don't know what's the person's context. It works for some, it doesn't work for others.
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So all this speech of "disclosing to your family is good" is completely irresponsible if you don't know what's the person's context. It works for some, it doesn't work for others.
Actually, all this speech of disclosing to your family is good is not completely irresponsible --- well, it is if you have selective reading skills ----- I know in both my posts I have said that it is each person's individual decision and that I respect each persons right to make whatever decision they decide --- I just shared my experience, based on my life circumstances and experiences. So, nothing irresponsible there. Unless a person isn't capable of making their own decision on how to proceed based on their own individual circumstances.
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Actually, all this speech of disclosing to your family is good is not completely irresponsible --- well, it is if you have selective reading skills ----- I know in both my posts I have said that it is each person's individual decision and that I respect each persons right to make whatever decision they decide --- I just shared my experience, based on my life circumstances and experiences. So, nothing irresponsible there. Unless a person isn't capable of making their own decision on how to proceed based on their own individual circumstances.
I didn't quote you, did I? I was talking in general.
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I didn't quote you, did I? I was talking in general.
Well, you did say (to paraphrase) that talk of the benefits of disclosing was irresponsible without knowing someone else's situation ---- I don't think that anyone is saying that everyone needs to disclose - rather people are sharing their experiences --- reasons for disclosure, the feelings it brought on and reasons for nondisclosure.....
I respect both views - what works for me and worked for me, may not work for someone else....
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So all this speech of "disclosing to your family is good" is completely irresponsible if you don't know what's the person's context. It works for some, it doesn't work for others.
I don't see how you can think advice that was offered to a someone that asked for it to be irresponsible . I haven't read where anyone in this thread has tried to twist someones arm to make them do something they are not comfortable with .
Disclosing ones HIV status is a personal choice but I think its a stretch in most situations life throws at you to think of honesty as an irresponsible choice . I think its great that the OP is willing to discuss his options with us and consider others experiences .
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All should bear in mind that each person has different relationships with their families. In my case, my father and I don't talk to each other for years anyway, and if I told him, which I would never do, he would only humilliate me. As for my mother, she's bipolar, depressive, and has tried to commit suicide three times. I constantly have to take care of her. If I told her, it would be easier to just stick a knife into her heart.
So all this speech of "disclosing to your family is good" is completely irresponsible if you don't know what's the person's context. It works for some, it doesn't work for others.
So how would it be if your parents found out from a source other than you?
Y'know because shit like, totally, happens.
MtD
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All should bear in mind that each person has different relationships with their families. In my case, my father and I don't talk to each other for years anyway, and if I told him, which I would never do, he would only humilliate me. As for my mother, she's bipolar, depressive, and has tried to commit suicide three times. I constantly have to take care of her. If I told her, it would be easier to just stick a knife into her heart.
So all this speech of "disclosing to your family is good" is completely irresponsible if you don't know what's the person's context. It works for some, it doesn't work for others.
Go back and reread what Henry wrote -- you need it.
Of course, everyone needs to determine for themselves. However, one can always find an excuse to not tell -- fear is funny that way -- it finds a way to make it seem completely logical.
I put off telling my family for a year or so -- then I told them -- one by one. We aren't any closer because of it, but I don't have to be as distant as I was becoming. They all took my coming out OK (in fact a number simply said -- I'm glad you finally figured it out -- we've been waiting). They all took my HIV news well too - my daughter was a bit disappointed in me -- mainly because I got infected while with my partner -- he's negative -- she had higher expectations of me there -- but she has been fine with it all. She's a bit on the religious side -- but is completely comfortable with me, my partner and our being part of her and my grandkid's lives.
So -- do what you must -- but know that honesty is very freeing.
Mike
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You see, this is what I'm talking about. Suddenly, it's a question of "honesty" telling your family. So I'm dishonest and make up excuses for not telling my family? Telling me what I need or what's good for me is completely our of place, highly judgemental and it proves my point. If I told my mom and she got worse, had to be sent (yet again) to a mental hospital or even committed suicide, I bet no one here would feel guilty about it.
And Matty, I don't think they would find out. I could always make up something and if not, tough luck. What I know is that it would do me and them no good.
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You see, this is what I'm talking about. Suddenly, it's a question of "honesty" telling your family. So I'm dishonest and make up excuses for not telling my family? Telling me what I need or what's good for me is completely our of place, highly judgemental and it proves my point. If I told my mom and she got worse, had to be sent (yet again) to a mental hospital or even committed suicide, I bet no one here would feel guilty about it.
And Matty, I don't think they would find out. I could always make up something and if not, tough luck. What I know is that it would do me and them no good.
I'm sorry you thought I was calling you dishonest , I wasn't . The next paragraph where you wrote you could make something up if the truth does ever come out shows you have some strong feelings about the subject and are willing to keep your secret by any means , that's a lot of power to give up to a virus . A medical condition is nothing to be ashamed of , just saying .
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You see, this is what I'm talking about. Suddenly, it's a question of "honesty" telling your family. So I'm dishonest and make up excuses for not telling my family? Telling me what I need or what's good for me is completely our of place, highly judgemental and it proves my point. If I told my mom and she got worse, had to be sent (yet again) to a mental hospital or even committed suicide, I bet no one here would feel guilty about it.
And Matty, I don't think they would find out. I could always make up something and if not, tough luck. What I know is that it would do me and them no good.
I understand you perfectly...every family is distinct, even though I was lucky, I see clearly you aren't...and you have very valid resons to not disclose.
Do everything in your power to hide it, specially if your mom's life could be affected so bad.
Sometimes, I wonder how in hell my family don't know about me being gay, I mean, seriously, 32 years, and not a single girlfriend? come on! (I simply refuse to start a false relationship with a woman just to cover my sexuality...it's not fair for both of us, and I cannot do that to any woman out there, I respect them a lot). It's funny, I've had strong discussions in the past with my parents regarding this, the last one was one month before the aids begin kicking in with the wasting syndrome.
I'm getting tired of this...maybe if sometime the discussion rise again, and they ask me about this, maybe I could blurt it out..but of course, It won't be me who takes the first step, that's for sure.
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Thanks everyone for all your responses..Gives me a lot to think about..All of you have honest opinions and I respect that...The real reason for my dishonesty is my grandma and my mom..Grandma is 82 years old and I take care of her whenever I am at her house..She lives here in Dallas so I see her a lot..My mom has MS and has had cancer off and on..She lives out of town in NM..I figure anything that would weigh stress on them shouldn't be told to them...I already know this can't be kept inside forever..I just hope that they still see the same person when the time does come that's all...I just could not go on living if anyone in my family disowned me for this...for any amount of time
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Just felt like making some bullet points based on most of the posts above :)
-Keeping such a big secret takes up a lot of energy.
-Oftentimes, 'imagined' disclosure consequences are at complete variance from reality coz those who really love you will love you HIV or not.
-Every family is different and every person is different so there is no 'one rule for all'
-Families will eventually find out. It sucks big time if they hear it from someone other than you.
Good luck.
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You see, this is what I'm talking about. Suddenly, it's a question of "honesty" telling your family. So I'm dishonest and make up excuses for not telling my family? Telling me what I need or what's good for me is completely our of place, highly judgemental and it proves my point. If I told my mom and she got worse, had to be sent (yet again) to a mental hospital or even committed suicide, I bet no one here would feel guilty about it.
And Matty, I don't think they would find out. I could always make up something and if not, tough luck. What I know is that it would do me and them no good.
No -- there is no "Judgment". People do what they do for reasons that are known to them. However, keeping a secret is dishonest by definition. regardless of the reasoning -- it still might be the right thing to do in some situation, but it iis still be less than honest about you. If you see judgment in that -- that's on you. Quite honestly, your over the top reaction to others giving their experience in how being upfront about their diagnosis speaks volumes.
Your particular decision to not tell may be the best approach for you, but your experience DOES NOT HOLD MORE WEIGHT THAN OTHERS.
I'll repeat what I said earlier -- so maybe you won't focus on one word -- each person has to decide whether (and/or when) to tell their family. However, there are a majority of folks right in this thread who show that IN MOST CASES, their initial fears were unfounded and that being honest was freeing.
Mike
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jg1962 and Raf, thanks for understanding. Really, not telling my family is no problem at all. The point is: I don't want to tell them, I don't have to tell them and I don't feel it's a burden because of that. Others may keep saying "they will find out, they would rather know about it, they will accept you, everything will be alright" and whatever else, but not all families are the same and not all people have the same relationships with their families. And people always judge based on how their families are.
Sure, I wish things were different, but that doesn't mean I'll hide out from everyone. I have friends, and even my therapist, so adamant about me telling my friends about it so I can share the burden, was not keen on the idea of telling my family.
Regardless, jg1962, we all know HIV is not like other illnesses in the eyes of society. It's not like cancer, for example. But even if I had cancer, I don't think I would tell them, so my problem is not simply HIV.
No -- there is no "Judgment". People do what they do for reasons that are known to them. However, keeping a secret is dishonest by definition. regardless of the reasoning -- it still might be the right thing to do in some situation, but it iis still be less than honest about you. If you see judgment in that -- that's on you. Quite honestly, your over the top reaction to others giving their experience in how being upfront about their diagnosis speaks volumes.
Your particular decision to not tell may be the best approach for you, but your experience DOES NOT HOLD MORE WEIGHT THAN OTHERS.
I'll repeat what I said earlier -- so maybe you won't focus on one word -- each person has to decide whether (and/or when) to tell their family. However, there are a majority of folks right in this thread who show that IN MOST CASES, their initial fears were unfounded and that being honest was freeing.
Mike
Really, you should keep your own definitions to yourself instead of treating it as a general rule. My "over the top reaction" is because not all families are places of understanding, love and compassion. If yours is, good for you. Mine isn't. If you think I'm dishonest for that, well, good for you, if it makes you feel special about it. And if you can't see any judgement in that, it's clear your definitions are out of order.
And my case holds no more weight than others, I have never said that. But neither does yours. Nor everyone else's. My point is that each case is different, and there is no absolute right or "honest" thing to do, like you are preaching. Quite frankly, you were simply disrespectful, to say the least.
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You are NOT...repeat NOT living a lie by not disclosing your orientation or status. Nor do I think you are in any sort of denial.
What I think you are doing is very generous to your family as you are putting their feelings and concerns above your own, By considering how knowing these facts about your life might cause them some grief or worse, worsening THEIR own health problems shows what a wonderful and compassionate person you are. For that you should be commended and NOT judged...by anyone.
I have seen it go both ways not only with my own story, but with friends or with those whose stories I have read in various HIV related publications. Sometimes you come out of it with a ton of support and other times you could be disowned by those you consider close to you. You can never tell until it happens until after you disclose. Should it turn ugly, the only one who would feel horrible about it would be you as they would think their thoughts first about your orientation, then your HIV status are the only 'right and moral way' to feel about it. Remember, it is you who has to live this life and no matter how they might feel about both/either issue, it is you who will have to face and deal with the fallout negative or positive. Is it really worth it to disclose?
I think you already have the answer on how to deal with this very personal issue in your mind and that you are only setting up a base of support should it turn ugly. Know that this support will still be there regardless of the outcome. ONLY you know what is best for you. Believe me when I say we can ALL relate to what you are experiencing now as each of us has had these inner conversations when attempting to come to what would be the BEST way to live YOUR life.
Personally I have only told my mother and not the rest of my family. She has known for six or seven years and has yet to be able to bring up the subject on her own. The only time she is willing/able to discuss it is when I mention it during our conversations and even then it is a strained conversation with no real input from her. After I tell her of what issues I am dealing with, the line goes silent until I change the subject. I know she is extremely uncomfortable with the health issues and to a lesser extent the gay issue. While my two brothers know Im gay, they have in no way been supportive or understanding...I cannot imagine how they would react if/when they do find out about the HIV issue. I don't plan on disclosing to them...ever and that is a decision I was able to make easily as I know what their reaction will be. I am not close to them and this will only be the final nail in the coffin which is our relationship.
Regardless of which way you decide to go, you will always have the support and understanding of your fellow posters here on aidsmeds.com. We are in this together and know that nothing is too overwhelming to come to terms with...you have and always will have us to talk to when it gets rough.
Good luck and nothing but the best for you in deciding how you want to handle this very private and personal issue.
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I wouldn't want a relationship with anyone my parents included if I had to lie about things just to maintain it but that's just me .
I'm not trying to persuade anyone to come out or disclose to anyone . Its seems that the people that are most horrified by coming out or disclosing are the ones who have not fully come to terms with there own sexuality or HIV infection , its not like most of us didn't struggle with these things at one time and it wasn't any easier for most to stand up to family and the world and say this is who I am .
Its kind of sad to see people so afraid of the truth and scared of losing something in life they think is more important than self respect .
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I was diagnosed back in January 2008..I still can't bring myself to tell my family I have HIV..I even had to lie about a recent hospital stay...I just know how conservative they are and they have always thought highly of me..And I just know that they will link my HIV with "bad irresponsible behavior"..there is only so many ways you can get it.....Some days I forget about it and just live my life..Other days the guilt really weighs on me..I have one close friend and his wife that I told a few months after I tested poz and they have been so great...But my family I'm afraid will be a different story..I don't even wanna date anyone anymore and that is very sucky..My family also doesn't know that I'm gay, then again, neither do the friends I told my status to..I'm just one huge lie right now...guess I'm just lookin for someone who understands and can relate..
AC
Do you have any way to access a therapist, perhaps through an EAP at your job? There are a lot of therapists who help people think through these issues all the time and I think you would really benefit by being able to sit down face to face, tell your story, and sort through what is most important to you.
If you feel you are "one huge lie right now" it would really help if you had someone who you can bare your soul to, who is required to keep your story confidential, but who has helped other people going through this.
Sincerely
A
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I wouldn't want a relationship with anyone my parents included if I had to lie about things just to maintain it but that's just me .
I'm not trying to persuade anyone to come out or disclose to anyone . Its seems that the people that are most horrified by coming out or disclosing are the ones who have not fully come to terms with there own sexuality or HIV infection , its not like most of us didn't struggle with these things at one time and it wasn't any easier for most to stand up to family and the world and say this is who I am .
Its kind of sad to see people so afraid of the truth and scared of losing something in life they think is more important than self respect .
Well, I do not have a relationship with my father, and as much as I would like to run away from my mother's problems sometimes, I can't, I have to care for her. Some relationships we don't simply choose.
Now, you say you're not trying to persuade anyone to disclose, but you are clearly offending those who don't. It's easy to say you are not forcing your idea while patronizing those who don't follow it. Do you think you are better than others because of that? It's not a question of self-respect; if it is for you, good, but stop imposing your values on others. Stop assuming how others feel and stop thinking people feel the same way you do in the same situation. I don't feel bound by not telling my family, so why telling them would make me "free"?
I keep reading here that HIV does not define who you are, but suddenly, in the arrogant view of some, you are dishonest and lacking self-respect if you don't shout it out to the world. How absurd is that?
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I don't think anyone is judging others in whether they choose to disclose, as each member is relating their own experiences and thoughts. I also don't have anything to add in relation to disclosing to family that has not already been mentioned. I am a parent however and I can tell you, that for most parents, the idea that their own children could not or would not come to them in times of great crisis, would break their heart. Parents are much stronger than you could ever imagine and while I may not like to hear the news of my child being infected, it would not change how I felt about them, because I love them as my child and in such a situation there are no deal breakers in that love.
I am not saying that all parents would react favorably, as some may not, but try and see the difference as disappointment in what has happened, as opposed to diminishing the love you share. One of the hardest thing a parent has to do is to let their kids leave the nest and hopefully stand on their own. We do our best to prepare you to meet life head on and if we are lucky, we leave you knowing that no matter what happens, we will always be there for you. As I said, we are incredibly strong and resilient and a major impetus for almost all parents is our children always come first.
Therefore, I ask you to consider just how powerful your parents really are, in their ability to love and cherish you. Yes there will be disappointment, frustration and maybe even anger over an issue, but the vast majority of parents will find the ability to rise to any occasion... if only you would give us a chance.
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I think I'm mostly in the Miss P camp and believe most parents deal well enough with news about their children that startles or disturbs. Such as being gay, having the scourge dirty HIV, flunking out of school, wanting to change sex, being a Republican, changing religions. whatever.
But that is with the caveat that I've heard other reactions, real sad stories. And also this is America and Americans believe it or not are multicultural and open-minded, and even if they aren't politically open-minded, they sort of know they are supposed to be. And anyway, parents love their children no matter what.
Supposedly Casey Anthony's parents don't think she is innocent, but they still love her and don't want her to get the death penalty.
HIV is hardly a crime. Just has a lot of stigma. And the stigma is pretty heavy if you're also coming out as gay AND having HIV at the same time.
But there are all sorts of reasons one might not want to tell parents. I didn't tell my dad because when I was diagnosed, he was terminally ill. What would have been the point. He saw me suffer and helped me a lot when some of my friends and lovers were dying in the 80's and 90's. In 2008 when I got HIV, even I didn't know a lot of the most recent, mostly good news about living with HIV, so it would have been a lot of education to explain to him.
Now the country I live in, Switzerland, its getting pretty multicultural as well. I'm pretty sure most Swiss parents could take any news about their children in stride.
I'm not sure I see what country context it would be automatically impossible to be HIV.
For instance, everyone knows about how repressive some countries are about homosexuality, but I know for example Egyptians who are out in their families, and it works, and Saudis who are known by their families to prefer men. If you are not a Saudi citizen, you're treated like crap generally. If you are HIV+ and foreign, prison and deported. But in the last years, if you are Saudi and are HIV+, you get good treatment.
So isn't it often an individual family context, and private sphere versus public dogma, about HIV and acceptance.
I'm sure some families just can't deal, but probably not as many as people might think or say publicly.
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AIDSMEDS has a good article/lesson that covers disclosure:
http://www.aidsmeds.com/articles/Disclosure_4948.shtml
Oh, and well everyone's situation is different and each person needs to make their own decision regarding disclosure based on their individual circumstances, here is what at least one research study found:
The disclosure of one’s HIV status to ‘close family’ opens up the opportunity to receive social support.
Research has shown that people with HIV infection who are integrated into social networks have higher levels of psychological wellbeing than those who are not (Kelly et al., 1993). There is evidence
that one’s mood, for example, depression, correlates with satisfaction with, or perceived availability of, social support (Murphy et al.,1991), and that those satisfied with social support have a greater ability to cope.
In regards to gay men disclosing their HIV status to family members:
Our research shows that there may be secrets within the biological family regarding awareness of HIV diagnosis. This has implications for the interactions within the families, regarding ‘who knows’ and the social support offered by the family...positive changes in their ‘close family’ relationships since disclosure of
HIV infection, which is consistent with the current literature that relationships seem to endure the crisis of disclosure (Bor et al.,1993b; Cowles and Rodgers, 1994; Rolland, 1994). The changes experienced in the famly of origin and family of choice relationships were mainly positive.
Caution is required in generalizing our findings due to the small numbers in the study and the pilot nature of the research.
Link to article:
http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/1467-6427.00038/pdf
There are numerous other studies which show that overall positive results have resulted from disclosure to family members, I could post each link and/or excerpt from the article - but figured that this would at least provide some beginning level of research citation to accompany the personal experiences that have been shared.
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Whether you tell them or not, one day they're gonna find out.
They always do.
So how do you want your kin to learn your disgusting secret? On your terms or on terms set by someone else?
MtD
How true. My family got to find out about my status when I was very sick in the hospital... not at all how I had 'planned' disclosing. My 'plan' was really an excuse to NOT tell them by putting it off indefinitely. Believe me, it would have been much easier to tell them on MY terms when I was doing well instead of when I was on my death bed.
I'll also add that my parents got really mad at me when I told them I was HIV+. Not because I had HIV, but because I waited a decade to tell them, suffering all by my lonesome.
By the way, the thought that your parents will be eternally saddened by this news is BS. They'll be sad for a week or so, but after that they positively live for the fact that they can help you in some sublime way. Parents like to be needed.
My mom was also upset that I waited 9 months to tell her that I was HIV+. After all, we don't do secrets in my family. Sure, I may not talk about who I hooked up with, etc, but serious things like health issues concern all in my immediate and somewhat extended family.
I guess that if I wasn't close to my family, I wouldn't disclose any more than I'd tell them about other things in my life. After all, HIV really is just another 'thing in my life'.
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Well, I do not have a relationship with my father, and as much as I would like to run away from my mother's problems sometimes, I can't, I have to care for her. Some relationships we don't simply choose.
Now, you say you're not trying to persuade anyone to disclose, but you are clearly offending those who don't. It's easy to say you are not forcing your idea while patronizing those who don't follow it. Do you think you are better than others because of that? It's not a question of self-respect; if it is for you, good, but stop imposing your values on others. Stop assuming how others feel and stop thinking people feel the same way you do in the same situation. I don't feel bound by not telling my family, so why telling them would make me "free"?
I keep reading here that HIV does not define who you are, but suddenly, in the arrogant view of some, you are dishonest and lacking self-respect if you don't shout it out to the world. How absurd is that?
Get over yourself already. We all make choices -- they aren't necessarily right or wrong, but they all carry consequences. Clearly your choices are eating you up -- for whatever reason. I hope you get some peace.
I like what Joe had to say -- I'm a parent also -- there is NOTHING that my daughter could tell me that would make me not love her. Although she sometimes takes a long time to tell me something out of fear of my reaction. Each time we talk about why she thought I would react the way her mind was playing -- we always end up agreeing that it was because she was responding for me in her head -- not based on any past history. I would hate having her feel the need to keep a part of her from me.
I will say again (although I'm sure you will still get all offended from this post) -- everyone must make their own decisions here. The only arrogance I'm reading is from you..... it's clearly a touchy subject for you -- perhaps you should self-reflect on the reasons for that.
Mike
Edited to add:
My brother is also HIV+ but refuses to tell the family -- even though he's seen them all deal with my disclosure very well. He can't push through his fear -- now he avoids my parents (and he was the closest to them of all my brothers). He went through this with coming out too -- again, he had me to judge reactions, but fear stopped him for years. Once he came out, he closeness resumed.
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Get over yourself already. We all make choices -- they aren't necessarily right or wrong, but they all carry consequences. Clearly your choices are eating you up -- for whatever reason. I hope you get some peace.
Really, what's wrong with you? You say I'm dishonest for not disclosing to my family and now you talk about choices eating me up, and there is no right or wrong? Get a hold of yourself.
Besides, you don't get it, do you? Not telling my family doesn't bother me at all. What bothers me is someone who doesn't know me nor my family and all its history saying I'm the bad guy just because I don't want to disclose it to them while I'm thinking of their well-being. I can't count on them, and I can handle that, it has always been like that and it can't be fixed. But I can't accept that someone judges me because of that.
Sorry if my family is not the jolly and loving family yours is. But I'm an asshole because I don't give it a try, when I don't need or want to, just to see if my mom doesn't try suicide a 4th time, right? Yeah, nice going, man.
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By considering how knowing these facts about your life might cause them some grief or worse, worsening THEIR own health problems ...
There are as many strategies as personal situations and lifestyles...
While a lot of people adhere to the 'disclose' group, I belong to the tiny minority of the strict nondisclosure group. I have my own reasons... I am not the only one not willing/at liberty to disclose health issues (think of Steve Jobs...).
99,999 % of married couples wear a ring (in this side of the world). We don't (neither did any of our ancestors)
If I were to even dare whine to my family about this, my wife would just hand my the sword to put an end to that disgrace.
The very one that is on the family altar and was used by her own father. (a wonderful piece of fine metallurgy, BTW)
And I am not saying that I have not been contemplating that option myself...
But, that, of course, is a bit on the extreme for lay people.
See, there is plenty of room to move the cursor, one side or the other
Eric
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To make it clear:
First, I don't want to tell my family. I'm not intimate with them and have never shared details of my life.
Second, I don't need to tell them. I'm not putting them at risk, nor do I need them for something.
Finally, I can't tell them. And here I'm talking especially about my mom. I have been taking care of her since I was like 10 and it's no easy burden for a child to take care of an adult with mental problems. No child deserves to see his mom trying to jump out of an 8th floor window while holding her back. And I don't even count that as one of her 3 suicide attempts. In all the problems I've had in life, I could never count on her because she couldn't handle her problems by herself. Yet, I still love her and want her to be as well as possible.
Luckily, I have friends, good ones, and I can count on them, and I can disclose to them if I want to.
Now, with all I've been through, someone judging me for not telling my family really puts me on the edge. I wish I had a different family, that I could count on when I was in trouble. I don't. And I'm fine with that. But it's just sick that someone judges me because I'm trying to avoid problems for me and for them by not disclosing. And while I understand that someone who has a different kind of family environment may not grasp what this means, I cannot accept someone telling me I'm the bad guy. Not with all I've been through.
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To make it clear:
First, I don't want to tell my family. I'm not intimate with them and have never shared details of my life.
Second, I don't need to tell them. I'm not putting them at risk, nor do I need them for something.
Finally, I can't tell them. And here I'm talking especially about my mom. I have been taking care of her since I was like 10 and it's no easy burden for a child to take care of an adult with mental problems. No child deserves to see his mom trying to jump out of an 8th floor window while holding her back. And I don't even count that as one of her 3 suicide attempts. In all the problems I've had in life, I could never count on her because she couldn't handle her problems by herself. Yet, I still love her and want her to be as well as possible.
Luckily, I have friends, good ones, and I can count on them, and I can disclose to them if I want to.
Now, with all I've been through, someone judging me for not telling my family really puts me on the edge. I wish I had a different family, that I could count on when I was in trouble. I don't. And I'm fine with that. But it's just sick that someone judges me because I'm trying to avoid problems for me and for them by not disclosing. And while I understand that someone who has a different kind of family environment may not grasp what this means, I cannot accept someone telling me I'm the bad guy. Not with all I've been through.
I understand why you choose not to tell your family, but what I think means nothing, because they are your family. It seems this subject is very hard for you and just maybe you are reading a little more into some of the responses, because I don't believe anyone has disparaged you because of your choice. As you can see, topics like these are incredibly complex and sometimes what we want to say, does not come across as clear as we would like. I would hope you could accept the comments here as personal opinions and experiences and just like your situation, there are no right or wrong answers. Only what works for you.
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There are other reasons for not telling family other than fear of rejection or shame. In my case I initially didn't want to tell my mother because I didn't want the stress of dealing with her and her concerns. I'm a very introverted person, not shy, but I get my strength and energy from within myself and not from other people. Dealing with other people drains my batteries and the best thing I can do when I'm stressed is not interact with anyone. I know it sounds odd but when people I care about try to offer emotional support it often doesn't feel like support to me, it feels like yet another person's emotional state that I have to process and then manufacture an appropriate reaction. When my partner and I were diagnosed I had to deal with my own infection, our mortality (neither one of us was supposed to live 5 years) and deal with his reaction to being HIV+. He was not well equipped to deal with HIV (denial and avoidance punctuated by emotional breakdowns) and I was emotionally supporting him and myself. The last thing I wanted was my mother calling me daily asking about my health, worrying about every sneeze and telling me to dump "that Cuban" that infected me and move back to North Carolina.
To fully appreciate the situation you have to know a little about my mother. Loved my mom but she had an anxiety disorder and poor boundaries when it came to... well, everyone. Calling her a "worrier" doesn't begin to describe it, although I recall her voice saying "I'm not a worrier, I'm a MOTHER!". It was not unusual at all to get a call first thing in the morning with "Ford! Has your brother been going to the dentist?! He says he is but I think he is telling me a story. I didn't sleep at all last night worrying about it. Does he drinking a lot of cola? You put a penny in a glass of cola and see what happens! I'm sending him a check today and you tell him that he has to schedule an appointment! Call him right now, he is already up." She would literally not sleep over this and I could expect a call later in the day to confirm I sufficiently hectored my brother and that his teeth were not rotting out of his head.
Years passed, my partner and I didn't die, PI's came out, life went back to normal and HIV wasn't something I thought about much. My mother was focused on other family dramas that fortunately had nothing to do with me. Not telling her about HIV wasn't a big deal, no big secret, I just didn't bring it up-- there was always something else to talk about. My attitude was if she finds out she will have her nervous breakdown, we will pick up the pieces and she will just have to put on her big girl panties and deal-- just like she did when I told her I was gay. She never found out about the HIV, she never had to worry about it and I am glad it worked out that way. I fortunately didn't have to deal with incessant phone calls about some natural herb cure, did I take my medications today, when is my next doctor's appointment and, for the love of god, have I been going to the dentist? My mom and I were very close and we definitely didn't need HIV to bond over.
My father found out about my HIV status, like lots of people, by Googling our name. He called me up for our weekly chat and said he read my HIV story on the internet. I said "oh, yeah, sorry about that, but I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to blab to mom." He said it was a shock, asked me who else knew (uh, everyone with internet access apparently), said that HIV isn't what it used to be and agreed I did the right thing by not telling my mother. Then we started talking about his new laptop. My father is equally introverted, totally rational and we get along famously-- naming me Ford Jr. was spot on.
I have a wonderful supportive family and love them all. They know me, they know how I deal with things and they know if I need them I won't hesitate to call. HIV isn't a secret, I'm not ashamed of it and I honestly don't care who knows... but I am not going to bring it up in casual conversation because it is really nobody's business. Besides, when I want to discuss it I have you guys!
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Ford, your post is incredible. Thank you for sharing. My mother and yours would have gotten along famously, as they commiserated about their lives and families. If only I had a father like yours.
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Can't we all just get along
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Can't we all just get along
That's rich - YOU'RE THE ONE THAT STARTED THIS TOPIC.
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To make it clear:
First, I don't want to tell my family. I'm not intimate with them and have never shared details of my life.
Second, I don't need to tell them. I'm not putting them at risk, nor do I need them for something.
Finally, I can't tell them. And here I'm talking especially about my mom. I have been taking care of her since I was like 10 and it's no easy burden for a child to take care of an adult with mental problems. No child deserves to see his mom trying to jump out of an 8th floor window while holding her back. And I don't even count that as one of her 3 suicide attempts. In all the problems I've had in life, I could never count on her because she couldn't handle her problems by herself. Yet, I still love her and want her to be as well as possible.
Luckily, I have friends, good ones, and I can count on them, and I can disclose to them if I want to.
Now, with all I've been through, someone judging me for not telling my family really puts me on the edge. I wish I had a different family, that I could count on when I was in trouble. I don't. And I'm fine with that. But it's just sick that someone judges me because I'm trying to avoid problems for me and for them by not disclosing. And while I understand that someone who has a different kind of family environment may not grasp what this means, I cannot accept someone telling me I'm the bad guy. Not with all I've been through.
Well whatever. This thread really wasn't meant to be about you, it was started by AC. Whether you tell your folks or not is a matter of supreme indifference to me and probably more than one or two others around here.
That's rich - YOU'RE THE ONE THAT STARTED THIS TOPIC.
What's suddenly flown up your arse? AC did start this thread, as far as I can tell he's done nothing to deserve any flak from anyone, least of all you.
Throughout this thread he's been courteous and receptive to courtesy. He's explained himself clearly and demonstrated that he's able to consider advice as it is offered. An admirable quality which serves him well.
From what I can see a couple of the dimmer bulbs in this otherwise sparkling chandelier have decided to hijack proceedings and make it all about them and the genetic cul-de-sacs they call their families. That can hardly be slated home to the OP.
Of course the advice that I and others have given is general in nature. Generally speaking this is the best way to approach disclosure for most HIV positive people.
Naturally our advice may not apply to the wretched few who have been raised by compound dwelling, evengelical, dominionist, Montana dwelling fucktards or drooling inmates of an insane asylum, but we can't help everyone.
MtD
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That's rich - YOU'RE THE ONE THAT STARTED THIS TOPIC.
I agree with Matty, why are you attacking the op? I've spent my morning so far reading through this whole thread, and have not seen once where AC has been disrespectful to anyone-you owe him as much.
I told my family right off, and luckily they were very supportive. Unfortunately, both my parents died within the last 4 years, but I can honestly say I'm glad they knew my status the years they were alive. My mom was incredible, and she once was a religious fanatic, of the Seventh-Day Adventist sort. So I wouldn't have dreamed her to be as open as she was. After I tested positive, she started meeting all my gay friends, and that combined with the HIV, turned her into one of the most open-minded persons ever. I'm not saying this miracle of miracles happens with everyone. But sometimes the things we think are going to isolate us more, actually free us more. The rest of my family, siblings and even Catholic conservative aunt, have all be supportive, and encouraging.
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LM...as someone has already pointed out this thread is not about you, you have Hi-jacked Ac's thread, and that is something that is doesn't go down well here.
Betelgeuse..Ac did start this thread and has taken on board all the advise given to him, and he has responded without malice, obviously LM taking over and and causing problems has upset him and rightly so,so shouting "YOU'RE THE ONE THAT STARTED THIS TOPIC" at him is totally uncalled for, don't you think?
Ac...the ones who actually care about your problem have given you some good advise and something to think about, ultimately it will be your choice on how you handle your disclosure...if you do decide to tell your family it would be better sooner rather than later.
Aroha
Jan
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I've witnessed this debate for 25 years now and there still doesn't seem to me a perfect answer. We all have individual family dynamics that forces us to draw upon everything to personalize this decision. I've always contended there isn't a right or wrong answer, merely individual decisions.
I didn't do it on my terms and have no regrets because that's where I was at in that time and place. Since everyone of us is dealing with this same virus and can't come to a consensus, it's really easy to imagine that there will be a wide variety of reactions from those we love and those who love us.
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There may not be a "right or wrong" answer (I guess) but there have been studies backing up the assertion that disclosure of one's HIV status to family lowers depression rates for patients, and since the depression rate is already 12 times that of the HIV-negative population I would think it rather an important discussion for this forum.
Not only that, consider the fixation with lipoatrophy. Tell me, what % of patients are even going to experience this side effect? Not many, and certainly not commensurate with the amount of hand wringing. Now compare that with the subject of depression, and that numerous studies illustrate what I just described about family disclosure. Sorry, but I'd never be so quick to be dismissive about any of this.
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I have told a few siblings but that's it. I'm glad I didn't tell my Grandmother as she worried about me anyway and she lived to be 100 and didn't need the stress. My parents are 78 and 89 and I feel no need to tell them. I found out in 2004 and to this day I do not feel any stress nor depression for not disclosing to them but that's just me. My mother worries enough about my high blood pressure! I am in the crowd of, each family and individual case is different. No judgement whatsoever from me. Disclose, don't disclose it's all good. Good things or bad things can happen either way..or nothing.
NycJoe...who is happy I can legally get married now in NY
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Thanks guys, as I said previously, everyones different reasons has given me a lot more to think about regarding my disclosure, whether I decide to do it or not, or when I do it..But a lot of people here are right when they say that it'll come out eventually anyway..I am just hoping that it can wait until after the lifetimes of my mother and grandmother..They are the ones that truly don't need to no right now....And I am so sorry if I pissed anybody off with my little post earlier of "can't we all just get along". The way I see it we are all living with the same disease and while it's true that I did start this post, I didn't mean to get so many fired up over a question that is gonna affect everybody completly differently anyway..There is no right and wrong answer to my question and I totally respect everyones answer because it is what they went thru personally. To all the friends here that have helped me on this post and previous posts I really appreciate you
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None of my family know either, similar reasons to you. Plus I couldn't bear to see them suffer as I have for my mistakes. I went through my pregnancy without telling a single person, that was the most horrendous time of all, the lies and secrets about it all were so hard. I totally understand the guilt and feeling like you are living a big fat lie. But let's be adults about this....not everyone needs to know our business, including family??
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Considering that some of you are going to live another 40-50 years in this manner do you contemplate what this is going to do with your psyche somewhere down the road? I just don't get it. All this gibberish about mistakes, guilt, "our business" while simultaneously complaining non-stop about stigma just sounds like a recipe for an extremely lonely, miserable life.
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Jan and Matty, I did not intend to make this thread about me, but I also did not deviate from the original topic. After all, should I have created another thread about the same subject? I think what I said was relevant to the discussion, that not all families are the same and that you should know what's the context first. Just saying "go for it" is easy. To share positive personal experiences is great, but imagining it will always be great is irresponsible. That's what I think. And really, indifference is all I can ask for, not judgment, as some have done here.
I understand why you choose not to tell your family, but what I think means nothing, because they are your family. It seems this subject is very hard for you and just maybe you are reading a little more into some of the responses, because I don't believe anyone has disparaged you because of your choice. As you can see, topics like these are incredibly complex and sometimes what we want to say, does not come across as clear as we would like. I would hope you could accept the comments here as personal opinions and experiences and just like your situation, there are no right or wrong answers. Only what works for you.
It's Joe, right? My point all along was that there are no right or wrong answers. This subject is not hard for me; what is hard for me is that, with all I have been through, I feel really, really offended that someone might judge me because I do not wish to disclose this to my family. Really, you may be a great parent, others may be too, and your families may be great, but mine isn't. I wish I were born in a better family environment, but I didn't, and it's ok, I'm at peace with that. I don't even need to explain that. What pissed me off is that while I'm thinking of both my well-being and my mother's when I decided to not disclose, someone comes and paints me as the bad guy. Having this burden is not easy and just insinuating that I have no self-respect and that I'm being dishonest by that decision is too much. And it's there, I'm not making this up. This forum was supposed to be a place for support. People with HIV+ are already misjudged so much, and then I see people in the same situation judging others for not taking the same course of action. I appreciate all advices and stories of personal experience. Not judgement.
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It's Joe, right? My point all along was that there are no right or wrong answers. This subject is not hard for me; what is hard for me is that, with all I have been through, I feel really, really offended that someone might judge me because I do not wish to disclose this to my family. Really, you may be a great parent, others may be too, and your families may be great, but mine isn't. I wish I were born in a better family environment, but I didn't, and it's ok, I'm at peace with that. I don't even need to explain that. What pissed me off is that while I'm thinking of both my well-being and my mother's when I decided to not disclose, someone comes and paints me as the bad guy. Having this burden is not easy and just insinuating that I have no self-respect and that I'm being dishonest by that decision is too much. And it's there, I'm not making this up. This forum was supposed to be a place for support. People with HIV+ are already misjudged so much, and then I see people in the same situation judging others for not taking the same course of action. I appreciate all advices and stories of personal experience. Not judgement.
Thanks for the reply and you do not need to explain yourself to me, what you decide is what matters. All I was suggesting that just because someone references a particular point of view, does not automatically mean you are being judged. You may feel that is the case, but I am not so sure. I'm a decent parent, but my family never really accepted my being gay or poz, especially my father. I know first hand the rejection I felt and it would up that eventually we just stopped talking... he got dementia, then Alzheimer's and then he was gone. The reason I mentioned that this may be hard for you, is maybe a part of you would really like to be able to tell your parents, but circumstances won't allow it and I would think it would be hard to reconcile your desire with reality. I'm certainly not judging you, just offering some food for thought. For myself, there are times when I initially react strongly to comments and then I realize that my reaction is partly based on how true the comments are, regarding me. As I said, it's a very complicated subject and just because something is said, does not always mean it is a judgment.
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What's suddenly flown up your arse? AC did start this thread, as far as I can tell he's done nothing to deserve any flak from anyone, least of all you.
MtD
Oh please all of a sudden I'm the bad guy here. If you look at the history of this thread, I wasn't the one that instigated any of the cattiness I've seen from people like you. I didn't say anything totally out of line.
Drama queens.
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That's rich - YOU'RE THE ONE THAT STARTED THIS TOPIC.
I didn't say anything totally out of line.
Drama queens.
::)
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Oh please all of a sudden I'm the bad guy here. If you look at the history of this thread, I wasn't the one that instigated any of the cattiness I've seen from people like you. I didn't say anything totally out of line.
Drama queens.
I object to being characterised as "catty". I am a full blown bastard.
MtD
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Thanks for the reply and you do not need to explain yourself to me, what you decide is what matters. All I was suggesting that just because someone references a particular point of view, does not automatically mean you are being judged. You may feel that is the case, but I am not so sure. I'm a decent parent, but my family never really accepted my being gay or poz, especially my father. I know first hand the rejection I felt and it would up that eventually we just stopped talking... he got dementia, then Alzheimer's and then he was gone. The reason I mentioned that this may be hard for you, is maybe a part of you would really like to be able to tell your parents, but circumstances won't allow it and I would think it would be hard to reconcile your desire with reality. I'm certainly not judging you, just offering some food for thought. For myself, there are times when I initially react strongly to comments and then I realize that my reaction is partly based on how true the comments are, regarding me. As I said, it's a very complicated subject and just because something is said, does not always mean it is a judgment.
Hey, don't worry, I know you are not judging me, you have been great and I think your idea is valid. Most people have been spot on, especially buca45, just one or two that made nasty comments, in my opinion. Sure, I would love to be able to count on my parents for everything, especially this, but I know I can't, and it's not for lack of trying. And I'm fine with that. I think my real family are my closest friends, they are the ones I'll ask for help when needed, so I'm not all alone in this. No one is. :)
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What I think is important for 'non-disclosed' HIV people to realize is that we often justify not disclosing to close family and friends. Often, these same people say they don't want to burden their families, be judged, or actually acknowledge that they are HIV+. I know this is why some people don't disclose; I was one of them.
I felt stupid for getting infected... like a real fuck-up. After all, it's 2006 (at the time); we've known about this crap for decades. There was no reason for my infection. Thus, I felt stupid for it. I didn't want to seem fairly bright normally yet be so oblivious to the risks. What I found out is that my family didn't judge me, though I'm sure that they were upset that I allowed it to happen. Still, I'm their son, brother, nephew; love and support isn't based on an action like becoming infected.
I think that the point some of us are trying to make is to be sure that the reasons one uses to not disclose are honest. It's often hard to admit we screwed up. I know because, again, I used these same reasons to not disclose.
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I didn't come out as gay for quite a while, directly anyway. I kept a diary when I was in my teens and my mother found it. . . OOPS!
No hysteria, just lots of questions. Of course, this was years before AIDS reared its ugly head.
Actually, I thought my father, the former Marine, would have had the most difficulty with it. He was actually OK with my being gay and even liked my second partner, who also was a former jar head.
My dad passed away before I tested positive. I didn't tell my mom for the first 10 years because there were no treatments and it was a death sentence. I secretly prayed she would pass before I did, because I didn't want her to experience my slow, agonizing death, not to mention a mother burying her first born.
I finally told her when I started actually seeing a doctor and had to drive to Albuquerque, the nearest doctor at the time.
She was upset, she cried, then she started reading up on it. Then she started kvetching at me because I was "too skinny," and began sending me care packages of food, vitamins, you name it..
Bottom line is, yes, it caused her some pain, but when I mentioned this to her, she said she would much rather know so she could be there for me.
OK, my story worked out pretty well.
Each person is different, and I know family dynamics are different for everyone. That is why it is a personal decision that I will leave up to the person.
But sometimes, it is the people we fear the worst from or fear hurting the most who also surprise us.
HUGS,
Mark
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My parents are actually in Dallas right now visiting me from Albuquerque for a week..I just can't bring myself to the conversation..UGH..I'm just afraid it'll make my mother sick
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Other days the guilt really weighs on me... I don't even wanna date anyone anymore and that is very sucky... My family also doesn't know that I'm gay, then again, neither do the friends I told my status to..I'm just one huge lie right now...
UGH..I'm just afraid it'll make my mother sick
This is obviously stressing you out. How long are you going to be able to keep this up? Do you have a plan? I worry you are going to make yourself sick.
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Gotta agree with Ford here.
Additionally, I think your problems concerns how you feel about yourself and you're transferring this onto the important people in your life.
You might feel that you're a vile and unworthy brute, but I suspect the people who love you have a different take on things.
That's usually how it works.
Perhaps some counselling?
MtD
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One week after diagnosis I told my parents. It took my father about an hour and a few scotch to digest the news. Then he scolded me for waiting a whole week to tell them.
This is a very powerfull song, listen to the lyrics :
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wlD_XNMCjuo
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One week after diagnosis I told my parents. It took my father about an hour and a few scotch to digest the news. Then he scolded me for waiting a whole week to tell them.
This is a very powerfull song, listen to the lyrics :
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wlD_XNMCjuo
Sounds like a fun and great dad!
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i should of clarified my post a little better before..
my mother knows about my status,i had told her
as soon as i knew,my dad passed a few years before i got infected..
its the rest of my family that doesn't know
i mean how far do you have to take it? ???
tell everyone your related to?
one main reason is i have a sister with a screw loose and a mouth
that doesn't stop moving
if i told her i might as well tattoo it to my forehead
and get a recording that repeats it every 5 min ::)
for me
yeah its a matter of fear...
fear that i'm giving control of my disclosure to someone else
i want the option of to who i disclose to myself
i'm not giving that away to someone else i cannot trust
would you???
there are so many dynamics going on with each individual
that there is no way for anyone to say whats honest,right or wrong
or otherwise....
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I told my mom and dad, and it went really well. Being that they were both dead they had very little to say about it.
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I think most people here know that I'm very open about my hiv status and most of the people I associate with know.
But I never told my mother. Not out of fear of her reaction or whatever, but only because we are not close physically or emotionally. She lives in Ohio, I live on a Rock in the middle of the Irish Sea and we haven't seen each other in person in over 20 years. We've talked on the phone probably less than a dozen times - if that - in the past 20 years.
I've never received a single birthday or Christmas card from her in all that time and neither has my daughter. No letters either, aside from the time she sent me a copy of her new will that cut my brother and sister completely out. That was about fifteen years ago and if I know my mother, I'm probably cut out by now too. (Not that I give a shit anyway, it's just an illustration of how distant we are.)
It's rather a moot point now with my mother anyway - she's in late-stage Alzheimers.
I never told step-father #2 (we're not close - I hardly even know him) and both step-father #1 and my own father died years ago. I never would have hesitated to tell my father or sf #1 had they still been alive.
I have told my sister and brother and they've both been ok with it. We're not close - never really have been - so it doesn't really come up much. They're both in Ohio too.
I told my daughter within a week or so of diagnosis. She was only thirteen at the time, but rumours were going around town (about me and a few others who were all diagnosed as part of a "cluster") and I wanted her to hear if from me and not some snotty kid at school who'd heard it from a parent. I told her father first and he came over and we sat down and told her together. I said to her "I'm not going to die tomorrow, or next month or anything like that. I'll be around for a long time to nag you to do your homework and do the dishes." She said, "damn!" :D
She took the news very well and I think a lot of it was due to the calm way we told her and also that we presented an united front, even though we'd been divorced for years. She knew that we were both there to support her.
I also took her to an appointment with my hiv doctor and that helped a lot. I knew she was worrying every time I went over to Liverpool and taking her with me one time took all the mystery - and worry - out of it. My doc was great - he made her feel very welcome and took over an hour talking with us - and also talking with her without me being in the room, just so she could say or ask anything she may have felt uncomfortable bringing up in front of me.
That same day I also took her to Sahir House (Liverpool's ASO) where she got to meet other people living with hiv - some for many, many years - and that helped her a lot too. She's been great through it all and now that she's 24, she's also a source of emotional support. It's not like I cry on her shoulder or anything, but she always seems to know just when to give me a hug and it's also kinda like we have an ESP type connection - she always seems to sense when a phone call would cheer me up now that she's currently living over in England.
My being so open with her over the years has enabled and encouraged her to be equally as open with me. She knows if anything like this ever happens to her, she can tell me and she'll get nothing but love and non-judgemental support from me, no matter what.
While I'm open about my status and wish others were too because of the deflating effect it has on stigma, I do realise that everyone's situation is different and being open isn't always an option for everybody.
However, I would urge anyone who is closeted about being poz to think long and hard about your true reasons for staying in that stifling closet. In my experience, the majority of people who stepped out of the closet are glad they did, even if those first few steps were terrifying.
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You're the best, Ann. ;)
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You're the best, Ann. ;)
Ann is our "Rock" star, as well as being totally open and honest about her status and supporting others she has stood up and spoke out on UK National TV, bet you didn't know that did ya LM.
Aroha
Jan
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Oh, Ann. I'm just fanning myself. Your post was so spot on. I can relate to several points you made as well as some from others.
Thank you.
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Ann is our "Rock" star, as well as being totally open and honest about her status and supporting others she has stood up and spoke out on UK National TV, bet you didn't know that did ya LM.
Aroha
Jan
Amazing to know, but it doesn't surprise me so much, she is great.
You know, on another note, I'm bissexual, and I'm not open about that. Some friends know, but not many. About HIV, some will know eventually, but not many either. I have thought about being open about all that, but it wouldn't work for me, not right now. I wish I were a paragon in the fight against the stigma of HIV, but I have so many issues that I lack the power and even the strength for it. I do feel that perhaps one day, if I am in a better position than I am right now, I see that I can make a difference and I have the strength to face it all, then I might come out about it.
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I also took her to an appointment with my hiv doctor and that helped a lot. I knew she was worrying every time I went over to Liverpool and taking her with me one time took all the mystery - and worry - out of it. My doc was great - he made her feel very welcome and took over an hour talking with us - and also talking with her without me being in the room, just so she could say or ask anything she may have felt uncomfortable bringing up in front of me.
That same day I also took her to Sahir House (Liverpool's ASO) where she got to meet other people living with hiv - some for many, many years - and that helped her a lot too. She's been great through it all and now that she's 24, she's also a source of emotional support. It's not like I cry on her shoulder or anything, but she always seems to know just when to give me a hug and it's also kinda like we have an ESP type connection - she always seems to sense when a phone call would cheer me up now that she's currently living over in England.
I think the way you handled things with your daughter was brillant.
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I'm sitting here blushing. Thank you all for the kind comments.
((((group hug))))
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as a gentle reminder that anything put online is no longer much of a secret,
today's AM facebook post is the start of this thread.
(http://i918.photobucket.com/albums/ad21/leathermanmikie/am_photos/secret.jpg)
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I realize that facing the stigma of "being a dirty, diseased person because you were careless and irresponsible" with a judgemental family is difficult but I was completely shocked when the most ridged and rightous of my family members have had to see that the virus doesn't prove I'm dirty... I prove that you don't have to be a dirty degenerate to have the virus.
Hiding it because you're ashamed means that you've bought in to the whole stigma thing and you feel deep down that you have something to be ashamed of. Hold your head up... give your family the chance to learn that HIV can affect anyone... even them. You might be surprised by the kinds of changes that realization can have on them.
Please don't anyone hide your status... the world needs to know that we have nothing to be ashamed of... HIV is a human condition... we are ALL human. Hiding in the shadows means you will never be free. It's like forgiving... it's a relief... like when a toothache suddenly stops hurting.
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Hey, I'm 23 and in Grad school. I found out I was positive a few months ago and started treatment a week ago. I'm also in the closet, so nobody knows about what I'm going through. For the past 3 days I have been experiencing symptoms from triumeq, but have just told my family I'm catching the flu. Telling my family would ruin them and add so much stress on there life. I'm not willing to risk my relationship with my family, so my plan is to keep all this to myself. I'm hoping these symptoms go away quickly because school starts in a day and I don't want any of my friends suspecting me.
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Hi welcome to the forum. Why don't you start a new thread for yourself.
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I told my close friends when I was diagnosed. They are more of support system for me than my family. I have not told any of my immediate family, because it really is not any of their business.
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There is no need to tell them. If they find out there is not much you can do, so at that point ....it is what it is.