POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: zeze42 on December 06, 2010, 05:11:46 pm
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I am 10 years into HIV. My ex infected me. Yeah yeah, I let him put it in so it's my fault. My ex was a deceitful slut. We were together for 15 years. He relapsed on alcohol and I did not know it. We were not only very careful outside the relationship, we were tested frequently. He blacked out and got infected. We didn't know. We went on having sex and he infected me. It has been a long time but now I am having strong feelings of anger about it. I never let myself feel anything about the infection. I just ignored it or told myself it was okay or used it as an excuse for self-destructive lifestyle. Now I am ready to face it and I am MAD! Very fucking mad!
JJ >:(
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zeze, as you are only ten years into hiv, that means you were not diagnosed before 1996, which is a criteria for posting in the LTS forum. For this reason I have moved your thread into the Living forum. Please don't post in the LTS forum again. Thank you for your cooperation.
Ann
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Well, heh, my first husband infected me, so there you have it. I hope that anger leads you to some kind of happy medium.
Was I pissed off at him? Only because he died, not because he infected me. I knew he was messing around, and had been known to indulge in IV drug use. But, I didn't insist that he use a condom. So who is to blame? Me, because my infection is my responsibility.
You say you two were "very careful outside the relationship." So, obviously there was some shimmy-sham going on. And you didn't ask him to wear a condom?
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My ex and I had an open relationship but I thought it was open but with condom use, he apparently thought it was open with barebacking.
I found out I had HIV about 2.5 years ago (99.9% likely that I got it from him) and I still have anger. I wish I didn't but I do. He is a gay man in his late forties and he should know better than to go around fucking without condoms. I was an idiot for letting my guard down and not using condoms with him.
I'm moving on and trying not to be too bitter but I'm seething with rage inside at him for being so utterly stupid and at me for trusting him.
As someone else on here says when he closes his posts, "Have the BEST day!" ;)
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HIV is like any other disease.... with the exception of the following stigmas.
1. Most of us got it due to a lapse in judgement.
2. Most of society snubs their nose at the activity that is the main cause of it.
3. Many in society are afraid of getting it.
It's up to you as to how you deal with these stigmas. It is also up to you as to whether or not you want to live the rest of you life consumed by hate or if you want to find some sort of peace. I hope you find a way to deal with these emotions. I guess I alway hope to have the right thing to say to help someone who is troubled. The only thing I can recommend is to work through these emotions and move on....
Good luck.
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For the longest time I wanted to be the 'victim' and blame my ex-bf for infecting me...
I loved to play 'what-if' and imagine how perfectly my life would have been if I had never met him...
...but then the truth of the matter set in and I realized that if it hadn't been him, it would have simply been somebody else.
He wasn't the first person I'd had unprotected sex with, and he wouldn't have been the last...
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...but then the truth of the matter set in and I realized that if it hadn't been him, it would have simply been somebody else.
He wasn't the first person I'd had unprotected sex with, and he wouldn't have been the last...
In my particular case my ex was the first person I had unprotected sex with, at the age of 45. And so far I haven't had unprotected sex again.
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For the longest time I wanted to be the 'victim' and blame my ex-bf for infecting me...
I loved to play 'what-if' and imagine how perfectly my life would have been if I had never met him...
...but then the truth of the matter set in and I realized that if it hadn't been him, it would have simply been somebody else.
He wasn't the first person I'd had unprotected sex with, and he wouldn't have been the last...
man, i love your honesty. i started not using condoms for anal intercourse in 2007. it has only continued. if it wasn't him ... i don't know. but the logic above still applies to me.
gotta find a better way to deal with my shit i suppose.
best,
d
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Zeze, notice that you dont exactly write, in your paragraph, that you are angry at the guy. Maybe this is a clue that you know deep down you are angry at yourself, the guy, HIV and fate. If you can spread the anger around, there are some areas you can do something about getting over it.
You don't have to stop being angry at some irresponsible jerk who "helped" put a shit in your life. There are some major assholes around and several times in life, each of us inevitably cross their paths, and suffer.
My two cents for you is that the only constructive thing to do about the anger at "the guy" is to vow to watch out and keep yourself protected from such assholes in the future and try to put that particular guy out of your mind forever, just a small little black spot in your "assholes I have known" file in your brain.
The rest of the anger you can eventually overcome through attitude adjustment.
When you get over the anger at yourself, and fate, and that bastard virus, you may be surprised you might forgive that guy. Afterall, he had some qualities that you originally liked, and he had some problems that sort of explain how he got infected, probably he didn't wish that on himself, or you either.
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Many people feel anger when dealing with their infection. Anger at their partner--anger at themselves. I've found that it usually isn't very helpful unles it motivates one into doing something proactive realtive to their current and future life with HIV.
I felt and sometimes still feel anger--but not at the person who infected me. I loved her and only believed what I wanted to about her. I still feel pity--after her diagnosis, she fell apart and committed slow-motion sucide via prostitution and injection drug use. She died within 2 years.
My anger comes and goes--sometimes free-floating, sometimes focused on the stigma and injustice I see that we have to deal with. I just accept anger as a motivating energy--but I have to be very careful it doesn't consume me. TOO easy to let anger direct itself inward and become depression.
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We don't feel any anger to our infector, but wish he had at least been a good fuck!
Beautiful man, bad sex and HIV........ Life goes on.