A long way home (round) ( regarding hetero`s , HIV cures , and poppers)

[SASA39]

You all know me...........
I have been around for about 3 months and now it has come a time to retrospect my knowledge about certain themes...........

1.Regarding post :
" Curiosity : Hetero men "
http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=12127.0
and
"How is it being heterosexual and having HIV? "
http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=12133.0

for MoltenStorm , StacheBC , sweetasmeli and others.........

I`m a heterosexual.( a 97 % LOL)
I have contracted HIV in some experimenting with a nature of my sexuality  a long time ago that went badly wrong , because I have contracted an unwanted host in the same time.
+ is that I`ve founded that I`m a hetero , but with for an enormous price to pay.
For heterosexuals this disease is maybe harder to accept because everybody is surprised how you have got it, and you cannot say the truth because nobody would believe that.............
In my country there are those poor people that had contracted HIV through blood transfusion ( haemophiliacs , or car accident case ).They were adviced by our government not to sue them otherwise they could loose a social drug supply.
It is a bad one but sometimes I think that we as a nation would not survive all those ages being under slavery under the Turks ( 500 yrs) if we did not act that way.
But for those with some kind of disability it could be devastating.
When my father has passed away some neighbours come into our apartment not to say their  condolences , but to see where we live......Our first neighbours has have probaby heard that me & wife are having rough time and TEEE-HEEEE , they were already asked her if we are solding our new apartment. 
Was I a brave man before...probably............I have trained a martial arts and have fight with some people who fly to Russia and fight blind date for a money ,......or I have hanged on a alpinistic rope 100 feet above ground in a Mountain Rescue Squad...........but now I`m afraid  ..........very............why ?
1. Fear of disclosure : I should tell only this .Who am I to taint my little  daughters future and her whole life by my illness ? And she is a 5 old beauty....... ( She has already been disappointed by something today: she has wrote with my help a love letter to a boy from kindergarten , but he was ignoring her ................that fact almost brought a tears in my eyes...............).I`m paying a price for wrong judgements in my past but my children's are innocent and do not have to pay for anything.My role is to protect them and not to put an ultimate shame on their lives.For you who cannot imagine how it is to be a parent , just imagine that you have a little sister........
My wife is a brave one .She even wrote some posts in here too.But disclosure would ruin her life too ( she would be a HIV PhD ).......and I do not wont to a make more misery..........being a black sheep : loosing my all day permanent  job as a engineer ( due to a tiredness and Sustiva.........)while everybody else is working.That has as a consequence :
Quote :Feelings of worthlessness; like I failed somehow.
           Feeling "damaged."
           Fatigue and lack of motivation
           Severe mood/attitude swings
You cannot just went home and say : " Hi mom I`ve just wreck my bike , or lost on gambling......" because that could be fixed.This illness is a MAYOR FUCK-UP, and it would taint your life no mather when disclosed..........
2.Fear of pity death............I have seen it .......in my family........my father was like a child at the end..............nothing more diminishing for a grown man.......But i know we all have this too.........
So that is how I`m feeling right now.......
I`m trying to get out of this dark wood without using antidepressants , booze , "pills " or something like that.I`m very sorry when I see a certain members here using that things .They are very clever , with great dose of humor , and intelligence.They are my friends , my people , no matter of sexual orientation , my brothers in arms.............and I`m  begging them to stop with a habits which could do a great personal damage to their bodies and minds.
But then what is the solution ?
Dear Andy yes I know that my behaviour is giving a example to my kids.........point is this : before  this s*** I was used to solve problems quick no matter how big and serious they were .......for instance , when my mother was diagnosed with terminal form of cancer ( suddenly  , like me in a way ) , in a mather of hours I have found the best European doctors to treat her ( just via telephone)..........but it was too late for her..........new flat , job , my wife`s  pregnancy (Caesars section ) , vacations , home repairs , you name it -it was fixed in a minute , and now a problem to whom I do not have a solution............that beside stated above is killling me the most.
Yes , my dear " C baby " ( no Andy , not you. ) maybe I should take a step back and a deep breath...
For Tim : (regarding "The Cure?? "  )
http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=12106.0
Dear daddy ( and I mean it , because those who advice youngsters to take a warm clothes when in S.F is a golden daddy whom I respect ) ,
-It is very hard to accept for one who has been strong and healthy that suddenly he is ill from a deadly disease and not to run into some kind of defence ( booze ....).That process take months , years to happen or it may never happen at all...............because acceptance this decease you practically acceptance death ( in a way ) and that is always hard......and not in a natural course for a young man.But it still seems as a only solution."Embrace death in order to live"-YES . But embrace shame ?
-Create strategy YES -it is an ultimate goal !( but what would you say if you see that doc`s here are performing  a 5 time lumbar puncture to a patient in a row because they could not do it well or the lab device for liquid is wrongly set).About secrecy I have stated above................in a poor ,  country  with lot of corupcy , you cannot good kind of strategy.......altough there are poorer countries than mine.............
-And how you create a strategy : by answers .......that is the reason why I was so much insisting on pools : who better to judge and answer than to members of this site ..........Yes scientific fact are real , but time of investigation is much more shorter than here , here is a life -time...........with no wrong answers .Everyone is right and real because the source is real........and not based on math statistic.
( Ann , you can freely wipe this out    )

I regard you , all of you as my people..........friends and buddy's.I do not want to name you because i would miss some and I do not want to do that.I`m trying fighting my way , maybe it is wrong but it is may way........( hope that it is not so wrong)..........fighting depression , swollen ankles , occasional rash , Sustiva trips , back pains , ...........but how do one fight a  inner shame ?
 It is an ultimate question and let start from that................( altough I would put my 6 moth's HIV journey conclusions here in a form of posts.......)
Love you all.................
                                       Alexandar
And yes , i have forgot one thing ( it is not strange because I haven`t seen it since Oct     ) SEX . My wife is too scared and she said that she does not want our kids to become orphans.We know that the condom is a good protection , but not perfect , and she want to grow old and tosee her grandchildrens healthy.I must agree with her , although I miss sex a lot.
And Yes II : I do ot have any support from my family ( all dead ) or friends ( a few with little childrens ).So we ( myself & my wife) are pretty on our own , and that could be so heavy sometimes.

[milker]

Hi Al,

it is difficult for me to respond, because I do not experience your trauma. However, it seems from that post that your troubles are slowly but surely getting in order, and soon you will be able to make a plan and work on one thing at a time, assign priorities to what is the most important, and discard the stuff that breaks your abilities to concentrate on what will make your life better.

It is a slow process, but you will get there, and we'll be here to help.

Milker.

[Miss Philicia]

I don't see what poppers have to do with this thread.

[SASA39]

Quote :"I`m trying to get out of this dark wood without using antidepressants , booze , "pills " or something like that.I`m very sorry when I see a certain members here using that things .They are very clever , with great dose of humor , and intelligence.They are my friends , my people , no matter of sexual orientation , my brothers in arms.............and I`m  begging them to stop with a habits which could do a great personal damage to their bodies and minds."

Yes  , by my opinion poppers do have a connnection with my thread although not direct...............because everything is connected to a choice beetwen "ratio and emotio" , "passion and intelligence".On one hand you have a passion and use a certain medium to increase it , or you use that same medium to help you to forget some things.In both ways that medium could ruin your way of  clear perception , leading you to a dangerzone.

Same stand for unprotected sex.It gives us much more pleasure but if we did not practice it , we would not be here talking , ......quote Ann :

"To agree to have unprotected intercourse is to consent to the possibility of being infected with a sexually transmitted infection. Sex with a condom lasts only a matter of minutes, but hiv is forever."

I do not know if poppers could provoke KS  , but I do know that they are not harmless ...................and could cloud your perception.Even for a second , it could be hazardous............
Do not let me be misunderstood , if someone loves them , it is his choice , but for me an ultimate passion experience is coming from a brain imagination itself .....................
Just my 2 cc
                                               Al

[Miss Philicia]

Your welcome to your opinion, though it's based on nothing Al as you stated.  This KS/poppers paranoia on the part of some board members just leaves me in stitches frankly.

[Dragonette]

AI,

Well I am glad to see you are around!!! I was/am very worried about you.

You know I have the meeting with my bosses this Thursday.

I don't say this to bug you, but it might help to take your mind off this somewhat.

Because I KNOW that so much of the stuff you have to deal with is so enormous and terrifying; but in my humble opinion some of it, you should not be worried about right now. You should not let your imagination run wild with thoughts of a horrible undignified death for example. Or rather, let it run, even write it, but please, please acknowledge that these are thoughts and not reality. It may or may not happen. HIV may or may not be the cause.

I mean, 1 out of 9 women gets breast cancer fo God's sake, so i could worry about that all day (and sometimes I do, hell sometimes I worry about Alzheimer's, but that's what friends are for, to tell me it is a fear and not certain fate).

About your heterosexuality it is no one's business, what you do in bed is no one's business but yourself. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. There might be people who think I am promiscious, because of a prejudice they have against HIV, I have even had a doctor tell me that I "led a wild life and this was to be expected". Idiot! For one, I haven't (well, not after the age of 22). Number 2, it only takes one time so wildness has nothing to do with it. Number 3, only an idiot makes a remark about the sex life of another, and it says more about the sex life of that person than I would care to know!

About your daughters, yes children are inoccent. Adults are not. That is why we are adults. What do you know, my own dad went to a prostitute. I don't like it, but he is still my dad and the most wonderful man on earth. But he is not the Pope (and we both know what goes on in the Church now that I think about it). No one is pure, so fucken what.