POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Someone I Care About Has HIV => Topic started by: bi28chicago on August 23, 2010, 03:44:41 pm
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I am negative but my bf is positive. He was diagnosed 3 weeks ago. We are still traumatized. He had his blood withdrown and we will see all test results in 2 -3 weeks. We decided to stay together regardles of our serodiscordant status. We love each other and we love sex together. Although we know we have to make a lot of changes to our intimate life. I was doing a lot of research about dangers of HIV transmision in various sexual behavior. I know that we ALWAYS have to use condom in anal intercourse, but all this medical artoicles claim that oral sex or rimming is safe without it.
Are you discordant couple and stay that way for a long time ? Please advise us what is safe and what is not.
Do you have a real knowledhge about it - please feel free to share.
I would like to stay negative obviously but as we all - I love sex. I am top, he is a bottom. Exclusively. Just FYI.
Thanks
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My partner and I have been together for 4 years. I found out in January that I was poistive. At first he left, very upset given the circumstances. Fortunately he tested negative and has stayed that way. We worked on our relationship and doing very well now. Sex for the first time was pretty intimidating... The last thing that I would ever want to do is pass this on to him, and the last thing he wanted to do was have sex with me while thinking about how I got hiv+. We take precautions without letting them kill the mood. We hadn't used condoms in the past, but it was a given that we would need to now. Whether it's anal or oral, we've got them on. We just have fun with it - We use flavored ones for oral which we find pretty funny. I'll sometimes give him oral without a condom, assuming that I don't have sores in my mouth, but I won't let him do the same for me. I hear a lot of different things about whether or not oral is safe. I think it's safer for me to give him oral without a condom, but I won't take the chance with him giving me oral. My viral load has been undetectable for a while now and the last time I was talking to one of my counselors he told me that with that being the case, if an accident were to happen - say a broken condom - that we don't need to panic. It would likely be just fine. Of course he doesn't mean that we don't need to use a condom anymore. Yes, we have had to add a couple of steps into our sex routine, lol... but that hasn't changed how great it can be for us. Sometimes it is more passionate now than it had been in the past. It's pretty simple. I don't think much needs to change, only the addition of a condom or two! Btw - the first time after everything was pretty emotional for me. I don't know you or your boyfriend, but just be prepared for it to possibly take a little bit of adjusting for him. If it doesn't seem the same the first time or two afterward don't give up, you'll get back to normal with it.
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Sounds like brilliant advice to me!
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Thanks Scotty,
the best for you and your partner !
I am still doing a lot of research on this subject. Your words were healing and very needed.
Best regards from me and my man.
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I was lucky enough to get married a year after testing positive, we're going on 19 years now and my wife is still HIV negative. At first we needed to learn the basics about using condoms and other options. Basically, HIV is in blood, semen, vaginal secretions, breast milk and cerbral spinal fluid (don't worry--you'll never come in contact with that). I'm male--I don't have breast milk or vaginal fluids--so we're just talking about blood and semen now. Anything we do to prevent my semen from entering her is all good---remember, HIV is a get IN you, not a get ON you disease. We don't share blood, so that's taken care of.
I don't have other sex partners, so there's no risk of acquiring and passing another STD, or increasing my risk to pass HIV due to having another STD.
I think for us, the most difficult part was my emotional/mental state and irrational fears of infecting her. Once we dealt with that, then sex came back into our relationship. Sure, I had to get used to wearing a condom or her using a Reality condom. Give it time. We found that once the 'tools' were worked out and once my head was on a bit more straight--nature took its course.
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@ Marco
Thanks for sharing your story and congratulations for both of you.
It might be very intimate question but what about oral sex? Do you use a condom ?
I mean my poz boyfriend is always receiving partner and I am neg. Is it ok if he sucks me without condom ?
If answering here is not a comfy thing for you feel free to write me an email at bi28chicago@yahoo.com
Best regards,
R
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@ Marco
Thanks for sharing your story and congratulations for both of you.
It might be very intimate question but what about oral sex? Do you use a condom ?
I mean my poz boyfriend is always receiving partner and I am neg. Is it ok if he sucks me without condom ?
If answering here is not a comfy thing for you feel free to write me an email at bi28chicago@yahoo.com
Best regards,
R
As long as you don't have an STD, he can perform oral sex on you without a condom. Enjoy!
Once you learn the basics--as stated above, you can have a meaningful, sensual and exciting sex life.
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And now he doesn't wanna have sex with me at all. He says he wants to protect me.
I donno. I am traumatized too but what I am trying to do is to get his helth on track and to makeus to have normal life like before the diagnosis. I understand his approach, however I can not imagine being with someone in a long run and sticking to celibacy. I am affraid I will not stand it and the mother nature will drive me away from my bf. I hope you know what I mean.
I really do everything to make our life normal and joyful. Sex is not that important now, cause I want to gie him some time to digest all this. But how long can I stay like that ? I am affraid of losing him. I dont wanna cheat on him. So, I dont really know what to do?
I assure you all that being a negative part of the magnetic/ serodiscordant/ couple is not easy neither.
What is your advice ?
regards
R
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R, give it some time. It's not even a month yet since he was diagnosed and it takes some getting used to. Hopefully in time he will realise that all he needs to do to protect you is to use condoms for intercourse. As a top, your chances of becoming infected are low anyway. If he eventually goes on meds and becomes undetectable, you'd be very unlikely to become infected even if you didn't use condoms. Hiv isn't easily transmitted to a top.
It may be a good idea for him - and perhaps you too - to get into some talk therapy. It helps.
I wouldn't blame you if you broke up with him if his thinking doesn't change after a while. Sexual intimacy is an important part of a loving relationship. But give him some time.
You may also want to explore the idea of an open relationship where you get sex from others. But I wouldn't spring this on him now, it's too soon.
Good luck.
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Why are you with him? If this is the concern that keeps coming to mind this soon afterward then obviously your priorities for this relationship aren't where they should be.
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@ Scotty
My priority is to keep it going and to be with him. You can not get someone out of your heart just because he tested positive for HIV.
As I wrote before, sex is not an issue right now, but in some time it can be if he doesnt change his approach. I know he needs more time, I appreciate that he wants to protect me and I wanna protect me and him too.
I am just doing research here and the fact that this post is about the sex life doesnt mean that sex is all I want from life. I hope you got it Scotty.
Thanks a lot though for your response.
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@Ann
I think exactly how you wrote above. Just wanted someone to confirm my approach and to encourage me to stick with my plan.
Thank you so much Ann. I am gonna do exactly what you wrote here.
I will give him a lot of time do digest, and tham, hoppefully, everything will be ok.
I cant and dont want to be in open relashionship though. I do not share and my bf said so too.
Best for you Ann
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its all about love its hard but It will get easier I have been with my partner for 15 years and he is neg. yet he is the most supporting person in the world
give it time
Pete
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@peteb
Thank you so much. Of course I will give it time. I just dont want you guys thinking that sex is everything for me and that is why I started this thread. It is not ! My love and my relationship are my priority, moreover his health and well being is over all other things in my life now.
I will give it the time. Obviously.
Congratulations on your long lasting relationship. IT IS AWESOME !
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sex is only alittle bit u r doing the right thing
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Did you see the recent article in the New York Times?
LINK:
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/29/fashion/29Love.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1&ref=style&src=me
You should also check out Shawn and Gwenn. He's had HIV since he was a kid, she is negative. They're married and doing great:
http://edition.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/11/30/hiv.aids.couples.relationships/
http://blogs.poz.com/shawn/
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Wow that was deep