I am HIV infected and am grateful to the people who run this forum (tear drop)

[7359915653]

I'm a 47 year old man, no boyfriend, estranged from his family because they don't understand him and he finally woke-up to the fact that I'm not what they want to see, hear or know so I decided to stop knocking my head against the wall and making an effort - I got tired.  Maybe they got tired of me.  I work in a great job, but there are a lot of conservative people who would love to play 'pick on the homo' witch hunt if the opportunity presented itself.  I'm a loser.  NO one will want me around fears.  I'll be living under a bridge trying to get by.  I'm scared. I feel bad about myself.  I'm a no good slut who thinks he can ignore rules and do what he wants typical fears. 

I'm tired of trying to find the one by playing the virtuous, pious one who saves himself for the one which takes forever so I have causal sex.  Sex is fun, feels great, and it is even better when you are fit and healthy.  I love connecting.  I just long for that connection that goes a bit further each time.  Anyhow, [Cue club music classic "What Is Love - Baby don't hurt me.."] everything in life is rolling along, then one May 17th, 2011 I receive a phone call from my doctor. "Hi, I have some news for you.  Are you sitting down?  The blood test results came back and you are positive for the HIV virus.  I like to get these calls over with and quick so you know quickly. [I'm turning white as a ghost, my shoulders and head are down and I'm numb]  Do you have any questions?"  What the fuck?  I knew I did it to myself by giving-in to my desires and impulses.  My life would change and a new direction was headed my way.  I began to think of the possible outcomes: no job for being found out and let go because of the cost to the company for HIV positive people, visits to the hospital for some random flu and no one to come and support me, a feeling of isolation and secrecy yada yada yada...

I cried.

I became angry with others and myself. 

I moped for two days.  I didn't want to research it because I was already on the edge.  More information would just tip me over into oblivion.  Finally, after compartmentalizing I chose to take it upon myself to move forward and I found this website with answers and honest narratives about stuff.  It scared me, but it also seemed to bring relief because here I am not alone.  You all are like me, facing the same hurdles and your immune system is in a race just like mine.  I don't know what I'd do without having read these posts, having the relief that at-least I know there are some people like me around in which they speak their mind and let it all out. 

I was relieved. 

I was empowered. 

I want to cope with this disease and manage it well. I want to cope with side effects and not be ashamed of myself as a human, man with a deadly virus.  I want to become friends and get to know people who will be accepting of me and mostly I want to feel love though I'm in the worst situation with this fucking virus for finding love.  I want to still try.  It my responsibility.  I did this.  I now must change and become capable of coping with HIV. 

Thank you POZ.COM!  I don't know what I would do without you guys, sitting behind a computer reading and responding.  You very much unscrewed the valve that was stuck with a lot of built-up pressure waiting to explode.  Thank you. 

[jb1973]

Glad you found the site.  Like you, I have found great comfort in reading the posts here.  it truly has made this shithole I've dug for myself a little more tolerable.  Anyway, hang in there. It gets better.

[jp2011ny]

hi,
i was diagnosed in March this year. like you i didn't no where to turn to. but this forum has been great. thank god for the internet. what would we do if we didn't have the internet?
welcome to the forum. take care.
JP

[Rev. Moon]

I'm tired of trying to find the one by playing the virtuous, pious one who saves himself for the one which takes forever so I have causal sex.  Sex is fun, feels great, and it is even better when you are fit and healthy.  I love connecting.  I just long for that connection that goes a bit further each time.  Anyhow, [Cue club music classic "What Is Love - Baby don't hurt me.."] everything in life is rolling along, then one May 17th, 2011 I receive a phone call from my doctor. "Hi, I have some news for you.  Are you sitting down?  The blood test results came back and you are positive for the HIV virus.  I like to get these calls over with and quick so you know quickly. [I'm turning white as a ghost, my shoulders and head are down and I'm numb]  Do you have any questions?"  What the fuck?  

My understanding is that you live in TX.  No doctor is going to give HIV results over the phone (HIPAA regulations and all).  Something is sounding rather odd about your entire story.

[thunter34]

I'm tired of trying to find the one by playing the virtuous, pious one who saves himself for the one which takes forever so I have causal sex. Sex is fun, feels great, and it is even better when you are fit and healthy.  I love connecting.  I just long for that connection that goes a bit further each time.  Anyhow, [Cue club music classic "What Is Love - Baby don't hurt me.."] everything in life is rolling along, then one May 17th, 2011 I receive a phone call from my doctor. "Hi, I have some news for you.  Are you sitting down?  The blood test results came back and you are positive for the HIV virus.  I like to get these calls over with and quick so you know quickly. [I'm turning white as a ghost, my shoulders and head are down and I'm numb]  Do you have any questions?"  What the fuck? I knew I did it to myself by giving-in to my desires and impulses.

Wait a minute.  In your other thread, you say that you think you were infected by a maniacal, toxic needle wielding, vengeance seeking doctor...and that no one would believe you.  Yet here, it seems pretty clear you got it the way most of the rest of us did.

Just clarifying.

kthx.

[7359915653]

Yes - I got HIV the way everyone else got it - through unprotected sexual contact as a top.   

The comments I posted were nearly 6 months ago and I have gone through a process of acceptance.  At the time of the posting I was in denial, but not only was I in a denial phase I was depressed and was viewing things through a depressed lens which distorted and twisted events.  Now that I'm on 300MG of Bupropion, I believe I can see what happened as merely happenstance with the doctor mentioned and the events I wrote about. 

I know from whom I got this virus from and he may not even know that he has it (because he never told me when we were having sex). When I called him to tell him he said he would call the police and report me as harassing him.  It is the most reasonable answer because he slept with me on November 23rd or about 4 weeks prior to sero-conversion on December 19th, 2010.  We had unprotected sexual contact.  I am responsible. 

Now, though I have very good medical insurance I face surmountable co-pay/deductable costs ($2000 so far).  Thank you Jesus he sent me a wonderful angel who fell in love with me and I with him to take care of some of this burden as well as give me back rubs and pats on my back for moving forward on this. I also have my friend in Houston who gives me money as well - he ended up negative; how is beyond me because we weren't using protection that time we slept together. 

I'm taking a combination of Epzicom & Selzentry and my viral load is undetectable. 


God Bless all of you for maintaining this forum.  Many people need it. 

[mecch]

Yes - I got HIV the way everyone else got it - through unprotected sexual contact as a top.   

Thanks for the update. You seem to be in a very much better place emotionally and physically.

I think there maybe a funny play on words in your sentence above.

There is no one way "everyone" gets HIV.
Yes these days a lot of people get it from unprotected sex. 
But it happens to top and bottoms (gays) and every which way for heterosexual couples.  Don't get your point, exactly.  I think you meant, yeah, "I got HIV via unprotected sex."