1.16am post

[penguin]

It is late where I am, dark, star-less sky, too cloudy.  I am drifting between rooms - was exhausted, but sleep is hiding tonight, so have ended up at keyboard…started off looking at philippe starck taps on ebay, now am here..?

Spent past few days losing stomach contents thanks, I think, to either another go at azt or higher dose of reyataz, dunno, really, and spose it doesn’t matter all that much.
Thinking, also, lots of stuff, but mostly about happiness. The elusiveness of it, and whether it is worth, on balance, having something that resembles what you want, even if not perfect..better than nothing at all?
& why, also, when you can see the storm coming, when the thunder is audible, clouds dark; why then, you stay still, head buried, hoping and pretending it will pass?
 I seem to be stuck on “dunno” as an answer to most things at the moment.

been out in the garden a bit, despite changeable weather. Whistle training the pond-fish. Not much to report yet, progress is slow. I took some pictures, of the pond, but the fish never stay long enough to be  photographed. Garden isn’t brilliant this year, other things have been more pressing perhaps. There is water shortage issue as well.
But still,a nice place to sit I think.

Kate



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[frenchpat]

Kate,

I love the pond and the garden! What a lovely place to sit and reflect or just do nothing.

I see you are not online this morning so I hope that sleep finaly came to you and that you are snoring
the blues away
Hope your stomach will act properly and that you get better soon. As for the dunno, well, sometimes there is no better answer, but I am sure it will come. Hang in there!

You are in my thoughts,

Pat

[CaptCarl]

Kate,
   I love your garden, it's stunning! As a landscaper, I really appreciate garden/meditation spaces, and have created some very cool ones for clients.

   As a fellow HIV-er I also can appreciate your feelings about happiness, and storms. I don't think of happiness as being elusive, I think that it is there for the taking. We just have to be bold enough to reach for it. Many of us, especially those with this disease, feel as though they are unworthy, or not good enough to deserve happiness. We are all good enough. The thing to remember is this; You cannot get what you want from life if you never ask for it! I forget this sometimes, but when I remember it, it usually works well. Ask out loud, and don't be ambiguous about it. State exactly what is is you want. The only thing to remember is that while everything happens for a reason, likewise, thing also DON'T happen for a reason as well. It is sometimes difficult to accept this, but when you stop to think about it, we really don't have a choice but to accept and deal with the negativity's of life. They complete the circle.
   
   As far as the storms go, keep in mind that storms are as necessary as good weather. You cannot have one without the other, whether the storm is a meteorological or emotional in  nature. The storm is required on a periodic basis so that things can flourish, be they flowers in a drought stricken meadow, or a lonely soul searching for something. I have grown over the years to embrace storms of all kinds, because when they are over, the sun will come out again, warm the earth, and my soul. I just need to be patient. When the storm is going on, there is tremendous opportunity for growth, a strengthening of the psyche, that makes the next one a little easier to weather.

   I guess what I'm trying to say in my own rambling disjointed way, is that when the storm hits, keep your head out of the sand. Embrace the storm and the cleansing that it can bring. The choice is always yours to make. And even not making a choice is still choosing something even if by default.

   Remember, everything needs it's opposite in order to define it's own existence. Without the bad, how will we know when things are good?

                                                                                                                                    Love and Peace be with you
                                                                                                                                                                           Capt. Carl.

[CaptCarl]

P.S. I forgot to tell you. When training your fish, always feed them as you are whistling for them. And do it in the same place every time, they should respond pretty quickly. Koi are very quick to learn.
                                                                                C.C.