Author Topic: Lugubrious (Read 11297 times)

Peter6836 · « **on:** October 03, 2008, 01:58:56 pm »

Lugubrious

I sit in a classroom filled with children that exhibit the most deviant of behaviors. They are calling each other names and bouncing out of their seats like jack in the boxes. The other teachers in the building are talking about an upcoming strike in which they will be expected to take more concessions. Me myself I have already taken my concession, I have been terminated as a contract teacher and made into a building sub. This requires me to work in a different classroom everyday, as well as cutting my compensation by two thirds. I feel like I am living in a virtual hell. This school district is laying off more and more people or manipulating their contracts to decrease their pay. I am in an urban hell.
I have always been the white balding humpback gay bitch. This being the name affectionately used by fourth graders, respect is not something that is common in the inner city of Detroit. Learning is the last thing on the minds of these children.
I used to try and wait to see a glimmer in the eye of one child perhaps. I would relish in the idea that I could reach one child and teach them something or instill in them some sort of desire for learning.
I have lived in this marginalized environment for seventeen years now. I realized long ago that I felt that I did not deserve to work in an environment that was any better that I did not deserve to be in a classroom with students that want to learn. I surrounded myself with dysfunction, trying to hide what I was told all my life was my own dysfunction. The Catholic Church called it objectively disordered. My parents called it perverted.
After fifty three years of living this life I do not feel any more comfortable in it than the day I was pulled from my mother, instruments distorting my head and bruising my small body.
Now I have HIV, AIDS as well as being bipolar. I take a handful of drugs every night and every morning. I walk around in a sort of daze most of the time caused by the extensive medications that I take. In my life I have had one marriage that ended in divorce, four children that fight to live in this world. I have lost a house a car, my religion, my marriage, and sought to be authentic during these battles. Now I have lost my health and my control over my affect. My mind races at times and other times it just punishes me by not allowing me to move on. My body feels like it does not belong to me anymore but belongs to the drugs.
I sit here wondering what will happen tomorrow trying to have faith that things will get better. I fight off the constant desire to sleep, to sleep away my time, to hide from what is happening in my life. I know that I will loose more of my life before it is finished.
I constantly am looking for someone to listen to me, or better yet someone to tell me that everything will be all right. Someone to touch me and allow me to feel the warmth of another human being again, I cry constantly the medications not warding off the depression anymore. I have become crippled by my environment, by my disease, by my mind. Isolated from all others like me, I just wish that I had someone to talk to someone to hold me someone to tell me to keep going that things will be all right.
Peter

jennynyc7 · « **Reply #1 on:** October 03, 2008, 02:28:16 pm »

Dear Peter,

It wasn't long ago that I felt the same as you are feeling. I understand the hopelessness, the loneliness and the fears of it all. All I can really say is hold on and just breathe. It will pass in time. If push comes to shove you may want to consider (if you haven't already) speaking to a professional about some medication to help get you through. Lexapro saved my life as I know it (severe anxiety). I am thinking about you and wish you well.

j

BT65 · « **Reply #2 on:** October 03, 2008, 04:22:28 pm »

Jenny, if you read Peter's other postings, you'll see he's been on meds for a long while.

Peter, I thought you were doing better since the hospital? What happened?

Ann · « **Reply #3 on:** October 04, 2008, 10:25:31 am »

Peter,

I realized long ago that I felt that I did not deserve to work in an environment that was any better that I did not deserve to be in a classroom with students that want to learn.

What utter rubbish! You deserve the best. Really! You're not perverted. You're a normal human being. Fair enough, you have some issues, but you're no less deserving of love and respect than anyone else. Forget what the Catholic church told you - they're just a bunch of judgemental control freaks. Ignore them!

Is it possible for you to start looking for a job outside the school district you're currently in? Maybe a private school? If you don't like the environment you find yourself in, change your environment. It's a big world out there and believe it or not, there are some children who do want to learn. Find them.

Hugs,
Ann
xxx

AndyArrow · « **Reply #4 on:** October 04, 2008, 01:46:40 pm »

Peter,

I'm so sorry you are feeling so lost right now. I think almost all of us go through this at different times so you have accept yourself and learn to love you for who you are.

Maybe when you get real down like this and you don't have an appointment to see a therapist for a while you might want to try call a local detroit hiv/aids crisis hotline. They have people there that you can talk to 24hrs a day. I know it's not exactly a warm body holding you and telling you everything will be alright but they can offer a lot of comfort when you are feeling alone and isolated.

Best of Luck
AA

allopathicholistic · « **Reply #5 on:** October 23, 2008, 11:09:56 pm »

Hi Peter: I never knew one could work while their SSDI case was open/pending. Color me clueless. I do hope you find greener pastures because nobody deserves to be called those names especially 5 days a week. My thoughts are with you. Please hang in there. I'm starting to accept the theory that for most people - poz or neg - life is ups and downs and that's just how it is.

Peter6836 · « **Reply #6 on:** October 24, 2008, 01:59:32 pm »

I do not know if I can be working while pursuing SSDI but I did have my medical exam last week and a call that the mental portion of the exam is complete. I have never done anything like this before. So I am not sure of the consequenses of me subing at this time. I need to have some money coming in to live.
I realize that we all have ups and downs in life. It is just that my downs seem to be so hopeless. My doctors have changed my medications and it seems to be helping some. I know and can feel that these times are more than just situational, it is a chemical thing for me. If it was situational talk therapy would work for me. But I physically get sick shaking and stuttering, my whole body reacts during these times and the tunnel becomes so dark I can not see a light at the end of it.
Like I said it is getting somewhat better with the change of the medications. I see the situation that I am going through in a different light. I know that I have to take the meds as well as work on things cognitively, it is a big undertaking at times.
Peter

bear60 · « **Reply #7 on:** October 24, 2008, 03:32:29 pm »

Peter
you said: "Like I said it is getting somewhat better with the change of the medications. I see the situation that I am going through in a different light. I know that I have to take the meds as well as work on things cognitively, it is a big undertaking at times."
Boy oh boy that is one mouthful. I havent read anything with so much meaning in it for awhile. You have a lot of insight and the ability to work through this and I am in awe of you. Keep up the good work.

Joel

BT65 · « **Reply #8 on:** October 24, 2008, 03:49:49 pm »

Peter, it's good to hear from you. I'm glad things are a bit better.

I have a chemical imbalance also, so I feel your pain when going through those "tunnels." And it's next to impossible to explain it to someone who isn't in that situation. A lot of people can just pick themselves up; we can't, unfortunately.

Hopefully these meds will continue to improve your mood. Good luck and please keep in touch.
Luv,
Betty

YaKaMein · « **Reply #9 on:** October 24, 2008, 03:56:38 pm »

Yes, it's good to hear from you, Peter ... still pulling for better times for you buddy!
and always a pleasure to see posts from the likes of BT and Bear, et al. -YaKa

Ann · « **Reply #10 on:** October 25, 2008, 06:58:06 am »

Hi Peter, I'm happy to hear from you again as well. I'm also happy for you that the new meds seem to be helping. Hang in there mate. You know you can always come here to vent and be amongst people who care.

Fingers crossed your SSDI comes through for you quickly.

((((((Peter))))))

More hugs,
Ann
xxx

Peter6836 · « **Reply #11 on:** October 25, 2008, 11:45:30 am »

Thanks so much Ann for the encouraging words, I appreciate it. I will not forget my family here on AIDS meds. You have all been great when I need to vent.
Peter

Peter6836 · « **Reply #12 on:** October 27, 2008, 12:03:15 pm »

Trying to feel better. But I just feel hopeless. There is little that I enjoy doing anymore. I have tried to make a list of things that I like. I am having a har4d time doing the I do not even enjopy eating anymore. I am tired all the time and I spend most of my time imn bed. Everything seems so hopeless and futile. The drugs I am taking keep mty affect flat and my mind numb. I have problems reading especiall on certain days today is one of those days. I hate it when my mind is numb and does not seem to be doing what I would like it to do.
All of this keeps things on a downward spiral.I really wish that I could smile and laugh again. It seems to have been so long since i enjoyed myself. I realize that my needs are not being met. Everything I do is out of habit. I look forward to 9:00 pm when I take my nightly pills they knock me out sleep seems to be the thing that I enjoy the most. The dreams seem more real now than the what I do during the day. My life during the waking hours seems so unreal. I go through the motions, I go to work whcih is unreal in itself. A different group of kids everyday. finding things to just get through the day, kids that cannot write read or sit still. Rooms that are such a mess that it is difficult to just get around in them. Bugs and mice running through the rooms. My pay is compromised and I am never sure what I am going to get paid. I was told today that they did not issues me a check for the last two weeks. Now I have to go downtown on Wednesday and get an emergency check. HR has messed up my account. I will go home tonight I will have to make something to eat. I used to enjoy cooking now it is a chore, and the food I put in my mouth is tasteless and unappetizing. Then I will reitire to that bed again. I will sit there and wit for the time to come for me to take those pills and retire into that world of dreams. I do not wash myuself as much as I should I do not brush my teeth, or wash my hair. I find it difficult to dfo the things that I took for granted before. I eat once a day, when I am not on the job trying to get through the day I am in that bed.

Just more days of the same. Just more lugubrious times, I isolate totally I see no one, I know no one anymore. I have no place to go but the phamacist for refills on the drugs.
Peter

BT65 · « **Reply #13 on:** October 27, 2008, 02:05:29 pm »

Peter, when do you see your psychiatrist and therapist again? I would try to get in as soon as possible and tell them exactly what you posted here. This needs to be taken care of, please.
Luv,
Betty

allopathicholistic · « **Reply #14 on:** October 30, 2008, 04:48:58 pm »

Quote from: Peter6836 on October 24, 2008, 01:59:32 pm

I do not know if I can be working while pursuing SSDI

Good news. Seems like you can http://www.disabilitysecrets.com/question13.html

Peter6836 · « **Reply #15 on:** October 31, 2008, 09:14:19 am »

thanks for the information

allopathicholistic · « **Reply #16 on:** November 02, 2008, 06:00:21 am »

You're welcome. If your gut instinct tells you to get precise information on this I would suggest Make a trip to your local SS office in person. I find doing things in person yields the fastest results

MarcoPoz · « **Reply #17 on:** November 05, 2008, 04:46:28 pm »

Peter,

I live in Detroit too. We need you. We need you to keep teaching. We need you to take that next step---that next breath. Very often we can see these troughs as never ending...
But, you know that if you just keep taking that next step, soon almost imperceptably, things begin to look and feel better in some small way. Then we keep moving and things improve more.

This rollercoaster can take its toll on us but we're tough--we're from DETROIT and we have HIV ;-)

Brother--you aren't alone. You have brothers and sisters here, probably closer than you know, sharing this same experience with you.

Hold fast and know we're out here and we love.

Peter6836 · « **Reply #18 on:** November 07, 2008, 09:17:12 pm »

Thanks.

auspoz · « **Reply #19 on:** November 10, 2008, 04:54:06 am »

HI Peter,

I've been wondering how you were travelling. Have you been able to visit the therapists yet? How are you going today?

I'm hoping things are getting a little better for you.

Auspoz.

Peter6836 · « **Reply #20 on:** November 10, 2008, 06:11:45 am »

Thanks for the concern,
I am off to see my therapist today. we keep talking things out and I am doing FINE, Fucked up, Insecure, Nerotic, and Empty. I keep trying some days are better than others. I wish there werer some consistencty or better yet something really good in my life to report.
Peter

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Author Topic: Lugubrious (Read 11297 times)