A year ago...

[bewithme]

a year ago, my fiance and I went for a body checkup before getting marry..
Just a month before our wedding, the reports came out and he was tested +..
He suffered with this shock and horrible fact and feelings until the next morning he told me.... my first reaction was that's impossible, how, when, why, how, when why kept repeating itself in my head..

(call me selfish) my second reaction was "what about me?"...
we went to his doctor together that day and have me test out.. the fast result won't be out for another 7 hours, and seriously it felt like 7 decades... I broke down and cried , kept asking myself how, when, why again.. he kept telling me he is sorry and he didn't know how this happened and that all he want is that i am neg.

Reports came out and I am neg... (big relief) but another question pops out .. how am I gonna marry him, with all the wedding stuff ready, families and friends flying out, I can't run, I can't explain , I was numb. I told him to give me sometimes to think things through and no matter what my decision is, I'll always be there for him (I said that just in case I bail out).

I am a Christian and all i do was pray and because I can't tell anyone, I talked to my pastor. I was still in shock for 3 days and finally pull myself together and told my fiance the wedding must go on... I can't tell anyone the truth and I don't want to do any explaining or lie to people around me if I bail out now.
To me the wedding was a torture and I cried because I was sad and depress.. I need to see a shrink cos I was suicidal.

A year went by, we lived a somewhat normal life, he is on his meds and his vl is undetectable ( for 9 months now) and CD4 is just below 300.

The thoughts of leaving him still occurs occasionally, but he is a good husband and I'm pretty sure that I won't be able to find another man as good as him. (please can someone tell me how I can control this mix feelings).

We are thinking about having a baby, but my concern is will he live a long life to see the baby grow up.. and where I live, they do not have sperm wash, and if we were to do that, it will be very costly.

I'm lucky to have a best friend that I can share all these thoughts (with my husband's approval). to my surprise, she's very supportive and positive with the situation. But my husband kept all these to himself and himself only (is this a guy thing?) Sometimes I just wish he could at least tell someone about his condition so he can vent. (but he chose not to).

Is a long read but this is the only public place I kinda feel comfortable expressing my thoughts and my concern.

[emeraldize]

Quick welcome here! I know there will be women and men stopping by to post. I see you're online and just want you to know that people will be along. You've gone through a lot and your emotions are all understandable. I don't know where you live, but regarding children, where there's a will there's a medical way for a serodiscordant couple. There are women in this forum who will hopefully pop on and share their stories with you.

And whether being secretive is a guy thing, I can tell you that I think men are more likely to hold things in, but there are women who do the same. Your husband may see you, his wife and friend, to be the best confidante for himself -- there's nothing wrong with that and everything right with that. Reflects a good partnership, to me.

It takes a while to wrap your head around what HIV is and means for a lifetime. I hope your first year of marriage has contained some joy to balance out the great shock at its start. I can imagine by your description how difficult it was to put on a veneer of coping while melting beneath. A true test of strength and...commitment.

Again, welcome.
Em

[skeebo1969]

  Hi BeWith, welcome to the forums.

  You've been through a lot lately.  The anxiety, stress, and ensuing questions are all understandable.  Not only is this a great place to get answers to the questions you have, it's also a great place for support, both for you and your husband.

  Everything you ever dreamed a marriage can be is still possible even though HIV has come into play.  Your husband can still have a long, healthy life as long as he takes care of himself.    His numbers are Ok for now and most importantly he is undetectable, so the meds are doing their job.

  Regarding children, please read the following link about another woman who was in a similar situation as you are now:

  http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=39042.0

  Hang in there sister, with time the stress subsides and life becomes somewhat normal.

   SK

[tednlou2]

Welcome to the forums.  I am sorry to hear the issues you are dealing with.  I think you both would benefit from seeing a therapist.  I would try to find one, who has experience with couples therapy, but also patients living with diseases or other ailments. 

I see someone with several HIV patients.  At first I wondered why should I pay someone to talk about things I already talk about with myself.  However, he is able to direct things forward, instead of circles.

All the best.  Your husband's status is a challenge, but many marriages have those.  From what I understand, he didn't lie to you.  Are you wondering whether he cheated on you, or had sex with men?  I ask, because I know many straight folks automatically go to gay sex, because they don't see heterosexual sex as a way to become infected.  Many can go ten years without any signs of infection.  Some can go 20 years.  He could have been infected years ago.  I know your post focuses on a spouse with this virus, and how to deal with that, especially when your husband doesn't want to talk about it.  But, I got the feeling you may think he was living some double life.  I could be way off base, but I know you said you wondered how this happened.

I would put having a baby to the side, until you deal with these feelings and feelings of wanting to leave him.  I haven't told others.  However, I do have my partner, who I can talk to.  He's gone to the therapy sessions, when we needed to discuss couple issues. 

[skeebo1969]

All the best.  Your husband's status is a challenge, but many marriages have those.  From what I understand, he didn't lie to you.  Are you wondering whether he cheated on you, or had sex with men?  I ask, because I know many straight folks automatically go to gay sex, because they don't see heterosexual sex as a way to become infected.  Many can go ten years without any signs of infection.  Some can go 20 years.  He could have been infected years ago.  I know your post focuses on a spouse with this virus, and how to deal with that, especially when your husband doesn't want to talk about it.  But, I got the feeling you may think he was living some double life.  I could be way off base, but I know you said you wondered how this happened.

Teddy, if you saw two balls laying in the yard you would think the grass was gay. 

[tednlou2]

Teddy, if you saw two balls laying in the yard you would think the grass was gay.

LOL!  How long you been waiting to use that?  

[skeebo1969]

LOL!  How long you been waiting to use that?

All of about 10 seconds after reading the part I quoted where you played judge and jury on this woman's husband.  No where in her post does she ask about what you reported.  Teddy, as a person who has lived with this for some time, one would think you could stop doing these things.  But, as apparent by most of your posts here, one should not be surprised.

[tednlou2]

All of about 10 seconds after reading the part I quoted where you played judge and jury on this woman's husband.  No where in her post does she ask about what you reported.  Teddy, as a person who has lived with this for some time, one would think you could stop doing these things.  But, as apparent by most of your posts here, one should not be surprised.

Ouch.  What have I done to you?  I am surprised by this.  What do you mean by most of my posts here?  I am really dumbfounded.  And, what things do I need to stop doing all the time?  It was a question that many straight folks immediately go to with this virus.  A straight man must have been messing around with guys mentality.  I asked a question-- a question I think many therapists would ask.  I said I may be totally off base. 

I will await your apology. 

[tednlou2]

Actually, this is how threads turn bad, and I am hijacking the thread.  So, please send me a private message, if you would.