Am I infected? A long history

[iamanidiot]

I dont know how to start this, I recently met a woman, and now we are engaged, but the story is not about her, but about me. I am so happy with her, so happy in fact I started dreaming that my life might be over because of HIV.

So I made the only thing any hypochondriac did,  I started reading about it, so now I am panicking (because I started dreaming about it).

Any how my long sordid history begins with child sexual abuse, I was abused at the age of 6 by my "baby-sitter", she did a blow job when I was a child and masturbated me, she would then go on top of me and I hate this because it still hurts so much when I talk about it, I only recently started telling this to my family.
Any case I never penetrated her because I never got an erection, but she would move her hips on top of my limp penis.

That was more than 25 years ago, the second time I was abused was by a teenage boy at the age of 8, luckily for me he never penetrated me, and it was a single encounter.

It wasnt until I was 22 years old I managed so some how over come my fear of relationships, now because of my experience I never achieved a functional erection, and again the girl i was dating I did not penetrate, I would get headaches and all sorts of other embarrasments because of my past. There was one risky encounter where she managed to rile me up, but again I lost the erection before she went on top and she ended up grinding a limp penis, I was unprotected, and I never managed penetration.


Cut 6 years later I decided to overcome this fear, so I went to CSW, we had sex, she used a latex condom + gel, I got a unprotected blow job. From here onwards I met 3 nursing students, from overseas, I had sex again with each of them multiple times, again I got blow jobs from then with out protection but all vaginal sex was with condoms (Ansell branded). At one time I came inside on one of the woman's mouth.

The story repeats with a Japanese Tourist and a Cougar from a bar. Again I had protection when going for penetration but no protection for oral blow jobs. I did lick a few of the above near their clit, but was so rare.

I did get a cold from the nursing students, it felt like mono I got tested but that came negative, and I fear that might of been ARS, when I started looking at the symptons, and I have started panicking and when looking at the stats on transmission on wikipedia I am so devestated, I am wrecked, I feel so dead now.

So please let me know what are my chances?
I have gone for an STI screening test, and I am awaiting results.

[jkinatl2]

Nothing you report here is in any way am HIV concern. You wore a condom for penetrative sex, and that's all you need to do.

  I sincerely hope you are able to move past your history and have the healthy relationship you deserve.

[iamanidiot]

Thank you very much, I hope that is the case.
I am so stressed, I really do not know what to do.

Life is never simple and I just wish this torture would end

[Ann]

Idiot,

I don't actually think you're an idiot - I think you're someone who has been traumatised and needs some professional help in dealing with the abuse you've suffered.

But you haven't had a risk for hiv infection.

I'll repeat that - you have NOT had a risk for hiv infection.

I suggest you find a therapist who is experienced in helping survivors of childhood sexual abuse. We cannot help you with that here.

Good luck in putting your traumatic past behind you. Don't be afraid to reach out for professional help.

Ann