Author Topic: STILL CANT COME TO TREMS WITH HIV (Read 5956 times)

steven6908 · « **on:** January 10, 2009, 08:07:48 pm »

HI ALL

Am sitting here with a bottle or red wine and ive already drank 2 bottles, i know you will think attention seeker, I dont have anyone to turn to and THT is shite, I feel now that i dont have any friends and nobody care a shit about me, and for any one out there thats goona tell me to fuckin get a life,

Well am sorry coz i cant deal with this god knows i am fucking trying to deal with it, I thought that i found someone that was HIV and we could talk about this but this b ut, it seams that well to me that everyone out there thats is HIV well i think. Fucking hell I dont kn ow what to do, before all this I was happy had a life and now I HAVE FUCKED MY LIFE UP, WHO THE FUCK WOOULD WANT TO GO TO BED WITH SOMEONE THATS HIV, BEFORE ALL THIS I HAD A LIFE, I HAD FRIENDS NOW IVE NONE

I sometimes sit herre and want to take a knife to myself xx

steven6908 · « **Reply #1 on:** January 10, 2009, 08:08:37 pm »

an i cant fuckin spell

steven6908 · « **Reply #2 on:** January 10, 2009, 08:10:07 pm »

Oh and use cunts out there with qoutes from my other messages well fuckin forget it

steven6908 · « **Reply #3 on:** January 10, 2009, 08:23:34 pm »

ANYONE OUT THERE KNOW OF ANY OTHER SITE ABOUT HIV COZ I CERTAINLY AM NOT GETTIN ANY FRIENDLY SHIT OUT OF HERE, OR DONT U HAVE TO BE WELL ESTABLISHED USER ON THIS SITE TO CHAT TO ANYONE

ONE WONDER THE WORLD FUKED UP,

steven6908 · « **Reply #4 on:** January 10, 2009, 08:25:54 pm »

9 TOSSERS OUT THERE CAN READ BUT NOT RESPONDE TO MY MESSAGE WASTIN MY FUCKIN TIME ON THIS SHIT HOLE SORRY BUT AM PISSHED OFF

steven6908 · « **Reply #5 on:** January 10, 2009, 08:29:56 pm »

IS THIS A GOOD SITE BEGINING TO WONDER THINK EVERYONE ON HERE KNOWS HOW THERE TALKING TOO

David_CA · « **Reply #6 on:** January 10, 2009, 08:38:17 pm »

Dude, chill. Let's start with the 'little' problems you're discussing. First, calling people cunts isn't going to get you much, if any, in the way or response. If you'll look to the left side of the screen, there are very few members signed on at present. I'm sure you'll get some responses when they read what you've typed, although I don't know how helpful they'll be (since you've started out pretty much bashing the entire membership here). As for spelling, there is a spell check function right down two buttons to the right of where you clicked to post your messages.

As to dealing with HIV... here, you're not special. By that I mean most all of us have had to deal with our diagnosis, meds, health issues, family and friends reactions, HIV with other folks (deaths of friends, etc). Some of us find a lot of help, support, and friendship from this forum, but it's up to us as individuals to make it happen. None of us were initially 'well established' when we first joined.

What specifically are you having problems with in terms of HIV? Believe me, there are many that want to have sex with us, HIV+ or not (personally, I've had much better sex since diagnosis, in fact). Can your HIV Dr. recommend any local groups or counseling that might help you?

I hope things get better for you, but please remember that demanding help here won't get you any.

David

Miss Philicia · « **Reply #7 on:** January 10, 2009, 08:47:53 pm »

Steven, I just went and read all of your older posts to get a feel where you are coming from. This isn't the first time you've grown impatient with the board -- you know just because you see 5 people logged on it doesn't mean that it's a real time chat room.

Also, 2 bottles of wine is a bit much -- how often do you drink like this?

Otherwise you're over a year into your diagnosis and you've (going by your old threads) had some issues dealing with the circumstances of your infection. While this is normal at some point you're going to need to move on and make some peace in your life with your disease. Did you ever go on meds like you mentioned back in October. If so how is that working for you?

steven6908 · « **Reply #8 on:** January 10, 2009, 08:50:13 pm »

Where i stay there is fuck all THT is shite, i got this through my gf not though gay sex thats why i cant deal with it, I was happy untiil this!!!!

steven6908 · « **Reply #9 on:** January 10, 2009, 08:53:19 pm »

how the hell can u real my older posts?? as for the drink 2-3-4 btls of wine everynite now plus different drink may not be wint beer spirits etc every bloody nite

Miss Philicia · « **Reply #10 on:** January 10, 2009, 08:54:33 pm »

Oh really steven -- so you're saying that since I'm a cock sucker I'm supposed to get used to having AIDS easier than you? Well, sorry -- but that's just bullshit.

If you honestly think you're going to get heaps of sympathy on this board talking like that, throwing around the word cunt when referring to women, etc. then you've got another thing coming to you.

steven6908 · « **Reply #11 on:** January 10, 2009, 08:55:29 pm »

am sorry to say am just finding this bloody hard to deal with an yeah its a year on, but i still wont be any better down the line

Miss Philicia · « **Reply #12 on:** January 10, 2009, 08:56:47 pm »

Quote from: steven6908 on January 10, 2009, 08:53:19 pm

how the hell can u real my older posts?? as for the drink 2-3-4 btls of wine everynite now plus different drink may not be wint beer spirits etc every bloody nite

Please get some help with the drinking, Steven. This is not healthy for someone with HIV. 1 or 2 drinks isn't a big deal, but excessive drinking will damage you liver, which you will need if/when you go on HIV medication.

Miss Philicia · « **Reply #13 on:** January 10, 2009, 08:59:25 pm »

Quote from: steven6908 on January 10, 2009, 08:55:29 pm

am sorry to say am just finding this bloody hard to deal with an yeah its a year on, but i still wont be any better down the line

Yeah, you'll be better down the line -- somehow someway we all find the power. But let me tell you, addressing the mental component of HIV infection is often more difficult than the physical, and if you don't start seeking REAL LIFE help with this it will just get worse -- allowing depression or what not to go on and on is a nasty spiral, as are anxiety/panic attacks and what not.

I read that you live in Scotland. Are you out in the countryside or in a more urban area where you might seek out a support group or a psychologist? Are you comfortable in doing such a thing?

steven6908 · « **Reply #14 on:** January 10, 2009, 09:05:00 pm »

where the hell does it say that I call you a cocksucker ? I just cant comprehed that i was in a commited relationship and she gives me HIV yet she is living happy families with the person that gave her HIV, am on my own Ive told a few friends that they dont want to know me and before you say anything look at the rest of the world when it comes to dealing with HIV, there are people out there
that are scared of it and before i caught it I bloodly was scared of it

Miss Philicia · « **Reply #15 on:** January 10, 2009, 09:09:28 pm »

Steven, that's just how some people are in life. Yeah, it sucks but you're infected with HIV now and you can't make it disappear. All you can do is put the girl out of your mind and focus on regaining some semblance of peace, sanity and normality in your life -- most of us do this by making our health a priority and then hopefully other facets of life will fall into place.

The bottom line is that the more you focus on what someone did to you in terms of infecting you, the more bitter you become and it is just a useless mind fuck that won't ever get you anywhere. I hope that makes sense. Not saying it's easy or anything, but hopefully it gives you a goal.

I know that there's a lot of stigma out there about HIV, which is why I suggested a support group. So I'm going to ask you a 2nd time -- do you live somewhere that has a real life support group?

steven6908 · « **Reply #16 on:** January 10, 2009, 09:12:43 pm »

THT where i stay is shit, i have been a few times but by the time of closing time they want out the door i work shift so i cant get to them ealry before they shut, an to dismiss me which i felt that i was shit on the shoe that is the impression that i got when i enter there office, they promised me a bud system i followed it though but all i got was call back later after 7 months of this I gave up with them

steven6908 · « **Reply #17 on:** January 10, 2009, 09:18:36 pm »

thorugh goverment expediture they have stopped funding support groups for HIV people the nearest place for me is about 150 miles and its not convienient as i work mon to fri and the group only meets a tuesday every week, so where i stay for people with HIV there is no suppoert group

antibody · « **Reply #18 on:** January 10, 2009, 09:31:44 pm »

i come here for support

red_Dragon888 · « **Reply #19 on:** January 10, 2009, 09:44:46 pm »

don't give up. don't let yourself fail. you got friends here. you got people who care here. take better care of yourself.

red_Dragon888 · « **Reply #20 on:** January 10, 2009, 09:52:00 pm »

it is a good site but you may need professional help or atleast bewith people to talk to. drinking to excess is bad even for the healthiest people. yes you are angry and you will naturally seek to hurt if not yourself, then others.

kajnjewel · « **Reply #21 on:** January 10, 2009, 10:14:17 pm »

Steven, this is a great site. There are many long time survivors that visits these boards that have seen and heard a lot and I have found that most everyone does know what they are talking about know and can share their stengths and hopes with you.

Welcome to the boards.

anniebc · « **Reply #22 on:** January 10, 2009, 10:39:01 pm »

Steven

I have merged your threads so others don't get too confused about where to post, i think you will get more reply's just sticking to the one thread.

Hugs
Jan

Veritee · « **Reply #23 on:** January 16, 2009, 03:41:27 am »

Steve

I am so sorry that you are so upset and angry - I have been too

Quote

i got this through my gf not though gay sex thats why i cant deal with it, I was happy untiil this!!!!

I am a straight woman and I got HIV from my husband who I have been married to for about 22 years and I have never had sex with any one else - of either sex - since my marrage around 1986.

I too felt I had achieved a reasonably happy life at last and had a happy marriage - until that dreadful day I found we both had HIV!!!

I also live in a rural place where there is little support and I rarely have the chance to meet face to face with anyone else who has HIV or to get any support

I have been very angry and found it very hard to come to terms with having HIV and how I got it.

You really are not alone in this - and you are not the only straight person on this board with HIV!!!!

I do feel for you - there are times since I was diagnosed when I have drunk to much, cried out for help and support and felt their was no one there.

However I don't do this and shout at people on here - when this was happening for me I usually did this with my husband, friends or relatives etc as they are involved in my life but I know no one on this forum is involved or responsible for anything in my life .......not my HIV, nor my lack of support or anything at all!!!!

And I know that if I did this to people on a forum like this they either will not know what to say to support me, get angry themselves or find it too difficult to reply to me

And I do not actually know the people on this forum face to face .....they have never done me any harm or not been there for me in person ..s......o why would I want to be angry with them? My HIV nor my lack of support is not anyone here's fault.

All I can say is I have gradually come to terms with it over the last year and learned to live with having HIV............

Aand that this forum has been very helpful to me
And will be to you if you give it a chance.

I would suggest that if you get desperate again and need instant support and have been drinking that you ring a telephone organisation like Samaritans.

This is some thing I did in the early days of my HIV diagnosis -

when I had had too much to drink, was so upset and angry because not only was a shocked to find I had HIV myself ........................ I also had to deal with telling my daughter and close relatives who depend on me. I also had to cope with the betrayal by my husband of 22 years ( as he got HIV because he was unfaithful ) and also the fact he was very ill with AIDs/PCP etc at the time and in hospital as we were not diagnosed until he became very ill.
And until then we had been a team, but now I was alone dealing with all this, HIV and him being very ill.

I felt so alone and so very angry!!!!!!!!!!

I found that instant telephone support by a Samaritan counsellor really did help calm me down.

Then I could come on this forum and talk to others more calmly about my anger and my worries.

I hope you read this post to you understand others cansupport you and want to ...............but you have to talk to them right and with respect that you would want from them

and I hope you stop feeling you are alone with being heterosexual with HIV?? - as you are not at all, HIV affects anyone regardless of sexuality - and that you can understand that I am others really do want to support you -

but that it is hard when you shout at us when we have not been the ones to hurt you
Veritee XX

red_Dragon888 · « **Reply #24 on:** January 16, 2009, 05:24:51 am »

are their any 800 numbers to give support for hiv people? just to have someone to talk to and offer help?

Veritee · « **Reply #25 on:** January 17, 2009, 03:46:11 am »

Well I do not know if you mean in the UK where I live or if it is OK for me to reply ? Delete this if it is not

But while I do not know where you live Steven but it does sound to me you may be in the UK like me?

As you mention Steven going to a THT place and THT is a UK HIV charity only. I guess also where ever you are if there are any you can find out on the internet?

But I will answer as to what I found was available in the UK.

Which in fact was very little and while I can not speak for other people living in the UK with HIV but I found what was there when I was so desperate and distraught myself not really adequate or suitable for my needs as I saw them then as a straight person and in my case nor as a woman.

I will list the few I know, there are a few local ones in some areas but none are 24 hours.

There is a list of local HIV helplines you can usually access in the day time or early evening at the bottom of this page link: http://www.avert.org/aids-help-uk.htm

However my own experience of phoning any of the lines when I was really desperate was that they were often not open when I most needed them which was often late at night or in the small hours when I felt the most alone and the most desperate.

And there were none local to me that operated outside office hours, and I felt I needed someone to talk to that understood the situation as it is for those living with HIV in such a rural place and so far from any support networks...............

Those that did/do exist and are 24 hours are often based in London or other big cities where living with HIV is an entirely different thing when it comes to many issues and access to face to face support networks if you wish to access them and where attitudes towards HIV is often different and more enlightened than in my rural community.

Also I found in the early days of my desperation when I needed such lines I wanted to talk to a woman or at least a straight guy as rightly or wrongly at that time I felt they might understand my situation better than a gay man.
I know it does not really matter now as long as the person on the phone is empathic, but at that time I did desperately want to talk to someone straight - one of the main reasons for this was is I felt totally embarrassed by finding out that at 55 and as a married woman I was HIV, so I felt that some who was also straight and perhaps married or in a long term relationship and well known in their community as I was, would understand the enormity of this as it felt for me and the shame and embarrassment I was feelling of having suddenly found out I was HIV.

I still do wish I had another women to talk to for emotional support on the phone or face to face, but the reality is that despite joining all the support networks I could find for women in the UK and that I could access either on the phone or face to face, I still do not have this peer support here in the UK.

Perhaps Steven you have found the same re peer support from straight men?

This is why I use the women's forum here, even though a lot of women are based a long way from the UK I find it very supportive - but it would be nice to actually talk to another woman in person or even on the phone.

When I rang most there was never either a straight person nor a woman available to talk to except at Positively Women but unfortunatlely and by coincidence the person they allocated to me to offer me support was a lesbian -

so and I found myself in the difficult position of not wanting to offend her or appear bigoted by trying to explain that at this point - so newly diagnosed - I wanted to talk to a straight and perhaps married woman,

It would not matter to me as much now if at all, if the woman was straight or married but it did then and I think it does matter to many straight people to talk to other straight people when they are first diagnosed

With the other lines the person I did talk to would always be male and gay -i f you want to know how I know, because I asked them - and often be impatient with me to say the least and not have any empathy for my issues which were very different to theirs

and I was never abusive or anything like that but I did cry a lot and felt suicidal and I wanted emotional and crisis support not facts and advice and those on the phone often wanted to give me the facts and medical and medication advice - which I knew anyway

And in the UK there are no 24 hour helplines at all specifically for women and only one specifically for women in the whole UK - Positively women - who do there best but is only open at fairly restricted times during office hours.

However there are some and the ones there are and I have used:

National Sexual Health Helpline - used to be National AIDs Helpline but no longer just for HIV/AIDs but for all aspects of sexual health.
Information, advice and counselling on all aspects of HIV, AIDS and sexual health.
Web: www.condomessentialwear.co.uk
Tel: 0800 567123 - Despite them saying they offer counselling I found this line was more for information than emotional support and the counselling was around safer sex and similar issues not emotional and crisis support or just someone to talk to

THT, You can phone us on 0845 1221 200 between 10am and 10pm on Monday to Friday, and from 12 noon to 6pm on Saturday and Sunday. Emails can be sent to info@tht.org.uk. http://www.tht.org.uk/howwecanhelpyou/needhelpnow/
Good when you get an empathic person on the phone - empathic to you - but I did not often and they were rarely open when I really felt I needed them - this forum is open 24/7 so I prefer this now

Positively Women 020 7713 0222
Women living with HIV answer our helpline from
Monday - Friday, 10am - 1pm and 2pm - 4pm and will ring you back free of charge during those times: http://www.positivelywomen.org.uk/ Not crisis support

I also rang my only local support helpline - its about and hours drive from me to visit their offices, and the line is open office hours and is not crisis support and I often wanted support outside theses hours. However they did their best though when I did get through and I now volunteer for them

- other local support lines around the UK can be found on this page: http://www.avert.org/aids-help-uk.htm

In the end though I found that despite the Samaritans not being a helpline specifically for people living with HIV/AIDs and even though counsellors I got when I rang often did not know that much about HIV, they did offer me the best and 'always available' emotional support and those on the other end usually showed me great kindness and patience and I was able always to ask to speak to a woman and or someone straight, which was my priority at that time - as it maybe for you Steven?

The Samaritans
Call for anything, just for someone to talk to if you are upset, or especially if you are suicidal or thinking of cutting. They will not judge you, but will just listen. Calls are charged at local rates .
08457 909090

But on the whole I felt that what the UK lacks is a 24 hour line just for the issue of HIV and for emotional and crisis support for HIV people, not advice and with access to counsellors and the opportunity to talk to those who are straight and for me female.

Veritee

planonstaying · « **Reply #26 on:** January 17, 2009, 08:03:13 pm »

If you go to NA meetings 5 times a week for a month, stop drinking and or doing other drugs for that month I promise you your complete despair will be replaced by hope. It's only a month what do you have to loose? Getting wasted every night just feeds the misery and it sounds like you have had enough suffering. I tried drinking at this it just put me in a place where all I could see was a lifetime of despair and suffering. I don't feel like that now. I feel as much hope today as i felt desperation when I was at my worst. Till you step up and either stop or get help to stop getting wasted every night there isn't a support group in the world that can put you back together. As sure as I am the sun will come up I am sure if you get help with how you are living how you are feeling will change. As well as being a way to deal with life w/o getting wasted every night NA will put you in touch with other people who contracted the virus the same way you did since that seems to matter to you.

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Author Topic: STILL CANT COME TO TREMS WITH HIV (Read 5956 times)