Partner is positive, so I can't help but get a little scared when I get sick

[partnerspoz]

I've been in a relationship with another man who is positive for almost four years now. I'm negative. We're exclusive and never practice any form of unsafe sex. He's been positive for over 15 years. He's a non-progressor and his viral load is undetectable.

Over the last two years or so, I'd say I get some sort of upper respiratory tract infection anywhere from three to four times a year, usually at the change of the seasons. I always see the doctor, he gives me a couple prescriptions and says it's normal, nothing to worry about and that I don't even need to bother with an HIV test as long as we've stayed safe (which we have, completely).

The thing is, whenever I get sick with these infections, I can't help but worry myself even sicker. It's not something I like bringing up with my partner because I don't want to worry him but my doctor (who I've been going to for twenty years) assures me it's normal to catch these infections in the amount that I do per year. Also, I've had IBS since I was a teenager, so when I get stressed out like this, chronic diarrhea kicks in. I usually lose a week or two of normal activity in my life when this happens.

Does anyone have any advice on how I can keep from stressing out when I get something as simple as a cold?

Many thanks, from a stressed-out worry wart.

[RapidRod]

It's a mental issue with you. Seek professional mental help in dealing with it.

[Ann]

partner,

Why don't you just go get tested and put your mind at ease? As a person in a serodiscordant relationship, you should be getting tested at least once a year anyway, as a precautionary routine. It will also boost your confidence levels when you get the inevitable negative results.

And I have to ask - are you SURE you were negative going into the relationship, or did you just assume? We had a serodiscordant couple here who assumed the "negative" partner was negative - but he hadn't tested for some time before embarking on the discordant relationship. They eventually found out that he was already positive before the relationship - when it was too late.

Go test and put your mind at rest. And keep using those condoms!

Ann

[scottred]

Poz and neg people get respiratory infections... You can't worry enough to make yourself or your partner well, but you can worry yourself sick... Get tested and stop guessing. We human beings are like big germ filters, we're constantly ingesting and dealing with billions of microorganisms, it;s the way of the world. Take car of yourself by making good choices with your health and love your partner with everything you've got. Like Jim Morrison said, "No one here gets out alive." Relax and enjoy your life. We're all on a wild ride...
later dude

[leatherman]

We had a serodiscordant couple here who assumed the "negative" partner was negative - but he hadn't tested for some time before embarking on the discordant relationship. They eventually found out that he was already positive before the relationship - when it was too late.

i hadn't seen this thread till today. I don't know if Ann was talking about me; but maybe 

go get tested. and test regularly.

my partner was tested several times in the years leading up to we got together (we've been friends for 20 yrs) and had been neg. We always had safe sex. We should have never assumed that he was still neg, nor should we have gone all those years without having him retested. This past Feb, my partner, though normally healthy as a horse (he never even had a cavity!) was unexplainedly ill. By the first of Mar when he was admitted to the hospital, we found out he had AIDS and non-hodgkins lymphoma. He passed away barely two months later on May 1st.

Was he truly neg when we got together? We though so; but now I'm not sure and I'll never know.
Could I have passed it to him? Perhaps.

Either way, would we have caught this sooner and perhaps been able to keep the HIV in check, so he didn't develop the cancer?
I sure wish that's what we had done; but it's too late for that now.

I tell you, it was a terrible way to be taught a lesson about getting tested in a sero-discordant relationship.

mikie

[Andy Velez]

I'm joining the chorus of those urging you to get tested regularly. I expect you to continue to test negative given what you've reported. But there's nothing like the happy reassurance of that negative result in hand.

Condoms really do the job as long as you use them consistently for intercourse.
 
Being concerned and even a bit anxious at times about your HIV status is perfectly understandable and doesn't make you a bad person. Seeing a professional to talk about it might also be helpful, particularly if you are concerned that your feelings might be affecting your relationship adversely.

Cheers.

[hotpuppy]

First, I echo everyone else's "go get tested" comments.

Second, relax.  Seriously, work on relaxing and learning to go with the flow.  It will probably do the rest of your health wonders.

third, do you really believe that condoms are keeping you safe?  Your post makes it sound like you don't.  If they did not work there would be alot more poz guys and girls.  Have 100% faith in your choices or know what you don't trust in each situation.

Lastly, not to be mean, but do you think your partner doesn't notice when you are stressed?  Talk about it with him.  It's like having the proverbial wet spitting cat in the dining room.  It's hissing and growling and acting like something out of a "monsterquest" episode and everyone is busy pretending it's not there.  I guarantee that when you relocate to the bathroom for 2 weeks your partner notices.  He might know more about keeping "inner peace" then you think.  HIV meds don't exactly encourage inner intestinal harmony.  Most of the meds are more like "a day at the races" where your intestines are concerned. 

You might also talk to your doc about a pre-emptive strike.  If you get the same infection several times a year over and over again there may be more here.  I went to an allergy and asthma specialist some years ago and the first thing they did was X-Ray my head.  No, not to see if I'm nuts.... we already know that.  They found a latent sinus infection.  A double course of anti-biotics cleared that up.  I had that infection for YEARS and got sick every time the wind shifted directions.  I'd had it for so long I had no idea snot wasn't supposed to be yellow. 

Anyhow, HIV status aside, I think it's foolish to think you can hide part of yourself from your partner.  You are denying yourself love, support, and help from someone who means alot to you.  It's a 2 way street and I bet he's capable of more than you are letting him be there for you.

[beck]

Hi!
Yeah, I know how easy it can be to worry, but really, condoms do wonders- you're not at any risk big enough to be worth the bother of worrying about if you're having safer sex every time.

As for the respritory infections... you might want to go get that checked out. IBS can sometimes be an indicator of other health issues. (I know because I have an autoimmune disorder and IBS. I get bacterial pnemonia and severe bronchitis several times a year. However, it wasn't the infections that tipped the docs off but rather my IBS.)

While there's a good chance it's all in your head, it might not be a bad idea to see a doctor to look into possible causes (other than HIV).

Oh, and best of luck staying healthy this winter!

[dragonrainsd]

I agree with everyone on the " go get tested". I am a worry wart myself. When i got the flu while my partner was here we stayed in seperate homes, for his safety. Granted some Poz people don't get sick that easily. really get that IBS checked, it might truely indicate something else is off in your system. the more stressed you get the worse those things will get and new 'stuff' will crop up. Listen to your body, it tells you when your too stressed out Ie, ZITS! I get them when i am stressed out to much.

Best of Luck,
Dragonrainsd

[swalker]

I agree with everyone, GET TESTED.  I found out about my partner in 2003, I was first tested every three months then every six months. Now I get tested once a year. We do practice safe sex. My tests have been negative every time but I still worry. Just remember you are more of a danger to him than he is to you; because of his weak immune system every little cold virus will effect him diffidently than you. His body will have to fight harder to beat the infection. But you must try harder to take care of yourself. Stop stressing change your diet, more fruits and green vegetables and take extra vitamins.

                                                  Good luck
                                                   oldgirl   

[Teresa]

Hubby is HIV+ and I'm HIV-. We found out he was HIV+ after we had been married 4 years. It will be 4 years in May since we found out and I get tested every year. I just go to his Dr. app. with him and tell them I'm there for my yearly HIV test. They take me right back and prick my finger and I wait 15 or 20 minutes and get my result. That's all there is too it.
Get tested! Everyone should know their HIV status. Use condoms with plenty of lube everytime you have sex. Have you thought about talking to a counselor? Four years is a long time to keep getting stressed out everytime you get sick.
Best of luck to you
Teresa
 

[mecch]

Hey I didnt know that you can be a non-progressor, not on HAART and undetectable.  What do you mean he's undetectable?  Is this common among non-progressors?

Anyhow if he is undetectable, you can also be pretty sure there has been no accidental transmission because you say you always have safe sex anyway.

Safe sex + undetectable = 000000 risk in my opinion.   Someone please explain if I am wrong.

[Sebastian1969]

Get tested.  My partner and I have been together for 7 years, he has been positive for over 15 now, like you guys, we play safe.  I got tested this past September when my partner had to start meds for his HIV, the only reason I did was to make him and I feel better--and it did. 

[Ann]

You people responding recently in this thread do realise, don't you, that this thread was originally started fifteen months  ago and the OP hasn't been back to the site since?