Not the same after 3 years diagnosed

[ocguy79]

Hello all,

I'm 32 years old and was diagnosed in 2009. I was with my partner since 2002 witch was very rocky towards the last few years. We stopped doing any kind of sexual stuff upon my diagnoses, it was pretty much dead with us the whole last year. We never officially broke up, but we both knew it was over between us. Now since we have been living with each other for the past 6 years and sharing household expenses and taking care of 2 pugs, it's been difficult to part after so long. Im currently still living with my ex-partner as if he is my roommate. I recently about a year ago moved in to the second bedroom. We still get along and have our little couple like arguments.

Since my diagnosis, I've noticed a wide array of changes in my life and some crazy depression. I've noticed my eating habits changing, where stuff that I used to crave and gorge on are no longer any interest to me. When I would go out to eat, I used to order everything on the menu. Now I order the kids meal and it's perfect.

Instead of naming all the changes, let's just say I've been loosing interest in food and daily activities. All I do is sit at home on the couch or lay in bed. I wanna go out and do something, I just have no ambition to do it.
I fell my problem is not having a partner to love. I haven't been able to go out and find someone, because I'm to ashamed to admit to the other person of my status.
I feel no one will want me now that I am "Poz".

I'm currently on Atripla, Welbutrin and a daily multi-vitamin.

I'm just not sure what do to in order to be happy again....

Shaun
Orange County, CA

[BT65]

Sean, I know this saying is cliche, but you really need to be comfortable with yourself before getting into another relationship.

You say you're on Wellbutrin, but are you also seeing a therapist?  That's my suggestion to you.  You need to have talk therapy to go along with your antidepressant.  It's obvious you have some underlying depression, and that needs to be dealt with.  I would ask my doctor for a referral to someone, or if you have friends who have gone through therapy and could suggest a good one, that's another avenue.  Good luck.

[Rockin]

Tough situation man. But do you think you are depressed just because you're single or is it something related to medicines? Is it the whole HIV stigma?

Being single sucks so I can relate. As for being poz well...I like to believe that a well-educated and informed person who cares for you will accept you and deal with any irrational fear. Many people here in this forum are in relationships with negative people so don't lose hope.

But you're young....theres are many things you can still do and you live in Orange County, an awesome place. Try to be positive, its not the end of the world at all.

[emeraldize]

Hiya Shaun,

I agree with Betty -- anti-depressant combined with therapy might be helpful in getting you on track and able to see the issues clearly.

Concentrate on yourself. Relationships can be nice, but you gotta hang with yourself for a lifetime.

Hug to you.
Em

[Luca]

Hi Shaun.  I know where you're coming from.  I'm 61 and was diagnosed 2 years ago and it led to a breakup with my young lover.  It's hard to know if it was the diagnosis or the breakup that put me into a serious depression. I agree that you should try some talk therapy, but it doesn't necessarily need to be with a paid professional. I have one friend in particular who is really good at listening to me and intervening only lightly in my life by inviting me to do things, or even by telling me about an event, a film or whatever that I might want to go to with someone else.  The people who might be most helpful won't necessarily be your closest friends.  Some of my friends are delightfully ditzy and have nothing to say that's useful. And people that I don't see that often are sometimes the ones who make me feel best. Depression is lousy and when I'm depressed I'm not always aware of it.  But if you're withdrawn and sleeping a lot, letting your home get messy, drinking too much, not taking care of your appearance, forgetting to pay bills (or just not caring) then regardless of the reason you need to get out of the depression and back into the word.  Talk and antidepressants are the most obvious routes back to good mental health. I also wonder if it's a good idea to keep living with your ex.  I doubt that in this situation you would ever feel comfortable inviting a new date for dinner, for example.  BTW one of my strategies is to invite people for a meal; I have to look good, think about others, spruce up my home and be "on" for a few hours.  For me it works like a charm.

When I'm depressed I hate it when cheery people just tell me to buck up (happens all the time).  Don't let them piss you off, just try to get back into the world and (forgive my prying) get rid of the ex so you can be on your own.  Get a new room mate.  Move to a new place -- literally and figuratively.
Luca

[mecch]

Saun, you are a young man, all things considered.
Do you work?  You said all you do is sit around the house.
You are going to need some new projects that will return some enthusiasm and rewards into your life, going forward.  Of course, if you are depressed, its hard to see that. 
May I ask what are the plans to break away from living with your ex?

[daddysgirl87]

hey shaun,
listen i know exactly were u are coming from. although i personally am not poz my father was and he was my best friend. he lived with hiv/aids for almost 20 years and passed away this passed july. My dad was very depressed for along time for all the same reasons u are. he also had a hard time with his partner for the first couple years but in the end they were together up until the day he passed away. yes sex can be more complicated now but if ur safe and educated on ur illness u will be just fine. the meds can take a huge toll on ur body but staying on the couch all day, although easier, isnt going to make u happy. start small with something u like to do and progress from there. my dad liked to garden and relax in his yard. its not much but its something. go for short walks and try to see the beauty of the world that is still there.Im sure u have people who love u and want to see u happy but mostly u should love urself enough to want to be happy. yes ur life is different and it always will be but its not over. My dad was very happy for along time but sadly he did take his own life due to the depression and complications towards the end because he lost hope. DONT LOSE HOPE! i miss my father more than anything id give my own life just to bring him back, the pain is unbarible most of the time...dont cause ur loved ones that pain. i promise u will find happiness if u choose u want it. i wish u all the luck in the world my friend, stay strong and dont give up.

[mecch]

Daddysgirl - there is no indication the OP has any problem whatsoever with HAART.

It is not often true these days that HAART tales a "huge toll" on the body.

The OP does not consider that he is living with his partner, but rather, his EX. 

I am so sorry you lost your dad. Please try not to project his experience on others.

[drewm]

Hi Shaun...

Therapy. That's it in a nutshell. Sounding off to a therapist can help steer through these issues. I see mine on a regular basis.

[Rockin]

Daddysgirl - there is no indication the OP has any problem whatsoever with HAART.

It is not often true these days that HAART tales a "huge toll" on the body.

The OP does not consider that he is living with his partner, but rather, his EX. 

I am so sorry you lost your dad. Please try not to project his experience on others.

Its pretty amazing how HAART is generally demonized by people who are not taking them.

I don't blame you Daddysgirl, I think there is a lot of misinformation and misconceptions about it.

[tednlou2]

Its pretty amazing how HAART is generally demonized by people who are not taking them.

I don't blame you Daddysgirl, I think there is a lot of misinformation and misconceptions about it.

Yes.  And, we have to consider what she may have seen with her dad.  I'm sure he was taking the early meds and she probably saw that it did take a toll on her dad.  I think she was just trying to sympathize.   

[JessieJames]

I didn't realize that I was bouncing in and out of different forms of depression since my diagnosis in 2003.  I felt all of the same things you are talking about. 

After my wife died, a doctor put me on prozac.  I have always had a thing about anti-depressants (and therapy in general) and never tried it.  Since I have been on prozac my life has changed. 

I get sad sometimes, but I never slip too far down.   I can't believe I left myself suffer for seven years before I did anything about it.  Better late than never. 

Address the depression and then take it from there.  Maybe therapy, maybe medication...a new romance is not going to do anything for the long term.  In fact, it might create larger problems if you don't address the depression first.   

[HEB1023]

I'm sorry you're dealing with what you're dealing.  The way I found out I as positive is when my wife went in for fertility treatment about a year after we were married.  Her HIV test came back positive.  They retested and again, POSITIVE.  Then they tested me.  I was diagnosed on Aug 28, 2003.  I'll never forget it.  I was going to Pagent of the Masters that night in Laguna Beach with my wife of 1.5 years...and I was in a cloud.  I couldn't focus on the event...I was aloof. 

I went into a depression.  I kept thinking that Christmas 2003 was my 'last Christmas'...I was very sad.  I decided the best thing, was, however, to focus on my physical health.  I'd been an a misprescribed medicatin of Paxil for awhile...due to anxiety.  A quick dose of prozac was all I needed.  Suffice to say, Paxil packed on the weight.  I gained nearly 80 lbs.

I focused on my physical health.  I lost the weight and looked great.  Wife was impressed and so was family. 

I'm in a job right now that has robbed me of physical wellness...or the capacity in which to be able to attain it, for what it's worth.  I work a sporadic schedule...and I am a student.  We've since had two children...both of which are NEGATIVE...thank God. 

I'm in a stressful work situation...beyond any stressful work situation I've ever known.  I've battled Hodgkins Lymphoma and a near death experience due in part to pneumonia since my diagnosis...all of which I was victorious...but my work is horrible....I should be getting in the shower now, to leave to work, but I feel inclined to reply to you.

I'm an Orange County Native.  I'm close by.  I'm here.