Author Topic: Feel Like Shit: Unintentional Transmission to Ex (Read 6515 times)

sfpvguy41 · « **on:** January 13, 2007, 08:28:32 pm »

Sometimes I feel like my life is some bad B-movie. My 2 year relationship has been coming to an end with my much younger boyfriend (23 vs 45) who was negative. We were having less sex, always safe, I'm on meds undetectable. So then in December we have sex - once in forever - and when I came there was blood in the semen! We were concerned, freaked out, and it was on him and me...but seemed to just be on skin - no big deal. He ran into the shower to wash off immediately with soap. I talked to the Dr who said it was likely a wierd thing (like a popped blood vessel) but I did a course of antibiotics anyway for potential prostititus. Problem never came back.

In mid-December he got sick. There was a lot of flu going around, and I didn't think anything of it. Holidays, New Year's he's out partying a lot and I'm tired of it and told him I wanted to break up. Since New Year's it's been big drama - he wasn't taking it seriously. I had made up my mind. So I finally force him to move out - and after a few weeks I sleep with someone. He comes into the house (still having keys - big mistake) and rips open the bedroom door to find us and literally hit me and made a huge scene. During the punch-fest - he blames me not only for ruining his life but also giving him HIV. I never knew about that - he had just got test results back yesterday as positive. So the violence while, completely unacceptable, I can see as a reaction to finding out AND intentionally violating my privacy to find me in bed with someone new.

I thought about it, and realize that it could well have been from the incident in December. We went for 2 years no problems. We're breaking up anyway, and THEN there's a freak accident and he gets it. He's 23, and while I was over his problems with drugs and alcohol, a lot of it is just being 23 and I still love him and care about him a great deal, I just thought it wasn't going to work out. Now this.

I just told him how sorry I was and that I would try to be there to help him with it. He has no money, and lived with me, now he has to try to get meds. There are further complications I won't go into now....enough drama already I think.

I don't think there is much I can do now. I feel terrible. He's so young. I never wanted this to happen to him and we were always so careful. He was with me before I started on meds and felt like crap and helped me and saw me through that time, which I appreciate. Now I feel great physically, but and I'm undetectable, but clearly that didn't stop this.

Fuck this fucking disease. Takes a hard enough situation and just throws the biggest wrench in it. Now I'm torn - I don't know how much I need to be there for him (I was trying to get some space away from him), but I can't leave him alone with this - I have means to help and he doesn't - nor does he know what to do.

I thought this would help to get it off my chest and yet i'm crying more....

anyone have any advice?

thunter34 · « **Reply #1 on:** January 13, 2007, 08:37:49 pm »

Hate to throw what might be a rough sounding question out there, but...

Are you so sure that the HIV came from you? That blood on the skin incident just doesn't sound very likely to me. You also mention this guy is 23 and had been partying a lot...drugs and alcohol. YOu also make reference to having sex in December 'once in forever'. I dunno...just sounds like you might be getting blame cast on you as an easy target.

stevevaboy · « **Reply #2 on:** January 13, 2007, 08:53:18 pm »

I second that suggestion! Being 23, drugs and alcohol and not having sex with you? Surely he's having sex somewhere! I wouldn't own that whole guilt trip mister and don't let him play you for a fool either.

Help him out in limited ways, financially or whatever you feel you must, but if the relationship is over then let it be just that - over! He is a grown man and needs to move on and take care of himself.

Just my opinion.

Steve

Strayboy74 · « **Reply #3 on:** January 13, 2007, 08:55:11 pm »

Quote from: optionsf on January 13, 2007, 08:28:32 pm

We're breaking up anyway, and THEN there's a freak accident and he gets it. He's 23, and while I was over his problems with drugs and alcohol, a lot of it is just being 23 and I still love him and care about him a great deal, I just thought it wasn't going to work out. Now this.

My advice???

compare genotype tests... you may find that his virus has/doesn't have the same medication resistance that yours does. If he's contracted a virus that is already immune to a medication you DIDN'T take, I doubt the virus was yours. (I especially doubt it's yours if the sperm/blood experience you describe is considered the event horizon for exposure.)

I think there may be a bit of manipulation going on. Especially if drugs were involved in his life as you say. (IT is common that people have unsafe sex while using drugs *raises hand*.)

Don't be so quick to own responsibility for this... from what you said, it doesn't sound like you've earned it.

-joseph

cubbybear · « **Reply #4 on:** January 13, 2007, 08:56:16 pm »

I have to agree with thunter here. I really can't see how he could get infected just by blood on his skin. Intact skin is an excellent barrier against HIV. I also agree that with his behaviour, especially if it involved drugs and alcohol, that he could have been infected from someone else as alcohol/drugs etc do not always constitute safe sex. Like thunter said, sounds like you were made to be an easy target for his indiscretions.

I'm sorry you have had to deal with this.
Matt

thunter34 · « **Reply #5 on:** January 13, 2007, 08:57:47 pm »

Thank you! My first thought (and we don't know you guys so we could be wrong, but...) was: Yeah. Having sex with YOU with a condom because you are known to be pozitive. Meanwhile, while partying with others...

I don't know all the details or your history together, but so far- I ain't buyin' it.

EDITED TO ADD: Guilt-tripping you might also make for a nice way to keep those 'means to help' you mentioned possibly coming his way for awhile.

koi1 · « **Reply #6 on:** January 13, 2007, 09:17:28 pm »

Yeah,

You were not too clear what you guys were doing when the blood got on him. Were you barebacking? Sound fishy if it was just blood on his skin. Only geotyping might answer this. My ex was negative. I think it is because 1 we stopped having very frequent sex in the last 5 years, and my viral load was very low. The sex we had most of the time was him performing oral on my. But me not coming in his mouth most of the time.
Anyway, if just blood on the skin is what happened, I would not be too sure about you having infected him.

rob

Ann · « **Reply #7 on:** January 13, 2007, 10:01:45 pm »

options,

Getting semen, even bloody semen, on intact skin isn't a risk for hiv infection at all. Even getting it into a fresh cut would be unlikely to cause infection.

It sounds to me too that he's using you as a convenient scape-goat.

Also, unless you've seen that positive test result paper with your own eyes, don't be too quick to believe he's even positive. It sounds like he may have thought barging in and accusing you of infecting him would be a good way to chase your new partner off. (People do claim to be positive when they're not. We've had a few through these forums who posted that they tested positive - when they never had a risk - with a "that'll teach 'em" attitude behind it. It does happen)

Take care of yourself and try not to stress.

Hugs,
Ann

DanielMark · « **Reply #8 on:** January 14, 2007, 06:03:04 am »

Hmm,

This might seem harsh but I have to question the truth (on his part) of all this, basically because he's an active drug user. Having been down that road before, I can tell you people who abuse drugs and alcohol are master manipulators. I know I was before I cleaned up some 20 odd years ago. That he has shown a violent streak worries me too.

I don’t give advice, but I would be careful about what he tells you from now on. Oh and guilt? That’s for the guilty. He made his choices and he’ll have to live with them. Be careful not to let him feed off that. If you decide to pay for his meds, make sure you see them and the receipts.

Daniel

carousel · « **Reply #9 on:** January 14, 2007, 06:17:36 am »

poet · « **Reply #10 on:** January 14, 2007, 07:34:43 am »

Ditto with the previous posts. I am a bit lost in the details: 'We were having less sex, always safe, I'm on meds undetectable. So then in December we have sex - once in forever - and when I came there was blood in the semen! We were concerned, freaked out, and it was on him and me...but seemed to just be on skin - no big deal.' Asking only to allow you to think through this more clearly, you had safe sex this one additional time, meaning what? You came on his skin (he was passive, you were active, there was insertion?). I myself wouldn't try to escalate things by requiring/demanding genotyping etc. I would start where you were, with exactly what happened, what the likelihood of transmission was and, allowing clearer heads to operate, see if he begins to open the door to whom else he might have had sex with, what he might have been doing between the accident and the, if true, sero-conversion. And please keep us posted so we can help! Best, Win

Razorbill · « **Reply #11 on:** January 14, 2007, 07:42:20 am »

I'd like to propose for your consideration the fact that much of what has happened to you of late stems from your choice of partner. A 22 year difference is ok for casual sex. In my opinion, and some will disagree, it is inappropriate for a relationship. Yes, yes some may work. I've never seen it, but if the younger party is extremely mature for his age, sure maybe. Your partner was obviously very much a 23 year old. Trophy wives are like trophies, they get dusty and tarnished and clutter up the house. It is painful to read about the humiliation and guilt he has tried to put on you. You've got to take care of yourself and stay low stress. In future please try not to step out in front of busses. Let go of the guilt, you didn't infect him. And hardest of all perhaps, let go of him.

Oh501sguy · « **Reply #12 on:** January 14, 2007, 07:49:24 am »

Quote from: thunter34 on January 13, 2007, 08:37:49 pm

Hate to throw what might be a rough sounding question out there, but...

Are you so sure that the HIV came from you? That blood on the skin incident just doesn't sound very likely to me. You also mention this guy is 23 and had been partying a lot...drugs and alcohol. YOu also make reference to having sex in December 'once in forever'. I dunno...just sounds like you might be getting blame cast on you as an easy target.

[/quote

I would tend to agree with Thunter. The blood on skin dosent sound right at all. My first thought...23? Partying ? I hardly think that he was sleeping ONLY with you. Before you beat yourself up, really think about all this.

Miss Philicia · « **Reply #13 on:** January 14, 2007, 06:11:38 pm »

Quote from: thunter34

Are you so sure that the HIV came from you? That blood on the skin incident just doesn't sound very likely to me. You also mention this guy is 23 and had been partying a lot...drugs and alcohol. YOu also make reference to having sex in December 'once in forever'. I dunno...just sounds like you might be getting blame cast on you as an easy target.

ditto... more likely he got infected during one of his drug fests. Was he regularly having sex outside of your relationship? You two weren't doing it much and he IS 23. I just don't believe it if he says he was not.

Eldon · « **Reply #14 on:** January 14, 2007, 07:07:56 pm »

I am with the others on this one. It is possible that he was having sex with someone else that you did not know about and he came back to the apartment to place the blame on you. With driugs in the picture it is quite possible that he was infected elsewhere.

red_Dragon888 · « **Reply #15 on:** January 14, 2007, 07:17:30 pm »

This is what a wrote before and it needs repeating:

I must say when I was with my lover, Pak, for 15 years we have both found out that I was Poz in the first two years of our relationship; I was crushed. We then both, I felt, resolved to fight it and do everything for me to survive it; unfortunately, he did not really tell me of all his fears and reservations. I was crushed again when I found books some years later he brought on death, grieving and loss. You see, he was afraid and was not as optimistic as I was. He was not honest to me. Admittedly, I did get sick a few times, in that interim and it must have freaked him out. I can only guess at the way he felt since he died of Testicular cancer 7 years ago. At first, when he was in hospital, dying, he would not talk to me. He told his parents to ignore and they did. You see, he thought that I somehow gave him the cancer and he hated me. Once when I visited, he said, "What are you doing here ," and ignored me after that. I could say nothing but just sit out of his site and hope he would talk to me. After that, for two days, I stayed at home isolated and alone and not really knowing why he hated me. He finally saw me only because the Doctor told him that it was not possible for me to give him cancer. You never know how a person is going to react to a crisis... never... I loved him so much and yet he turned cold on me because he thought I could have possibly given him death. Imagine how he would have treated me if I did give him HIV. It was the worst time in my life and I still forgave him. HIV and AIDS bring a new dynamics to life and relationships. Of course, back in the 60's and 50's, cancer was then what AIDS is now.

I guess what I am communicating is that things go unsaid, we might walk around with blinders on, and we forget that we have others to look out for and others looking out for us. How would things change if something terrible happens like "you gave him HIV and he dies of Aids before you." Would you forgive yourself? Would friends and family forgive you? Have you two really examined this? Have you walk in a terminal Aids patients hospital and see the sorrow, the sadness, the ... On the other hand, how would he feel if you leave him and you suddenly died and he, who could have made your last days enjoyable and bearable, could not be there. Would you like to leave life like that and have him hurting forever. You two, well it sounds like to me that you have a lot of talking to do. Seek help if you must but talk out what is really hurting you inside. This is not baby stuff anymore. You must decide if "Love Conquers All."

What I had is the reverse in your situation, but the one thing that is the same is that both of you are afraid. I had wondered how many times, when Pak and I had sex, if he feared that he might get HIV or AIDS. I wondered how many times when I sneezed or coughed if he thought that I was going to die. These are unanswered questions since he is gone. You two have a chance to honestly asked the questions and answer them to each other. I hope this helps and I wish you two the best.
Joe

Let me add, he is young, very very young and is not a mature adult, atleast not at the stage you are suppose to be at. Ofcourse, there is drama, there is danger, and there are problems... HIV or no HIV. He is now and forever in your life and you both must make mature sober decisions when it comes to how you both want to live it. And as for the blood, I would have freaked out if I had allowed someone to endanger my life if I were negative. It is only natural and right for him to think that way. I hope he is not infected and that things will work for the best for both of you.
Joe

Slyther · « **Reply #16 on:** January 14, 2007, 08:46:42 pm »

Otion,

As someone who recently made a post regarding fear of infecting my partner, I can tell you that I know enough about the virus to know that there is absolutely no way you could have infected him just by ejaculating on his skin. Now if you ejaculated (with blood in your semen) into an open cut or scrape, then yes - there is a possibility of infection. I agree with everyone else here; I believe he is using you as a scape goat.

Longislander · « **Reply #17 on:** January 15, 2007, 01:14:29 am »

Quote

So then in December we have sex - once in forever - and when I came there was blood in the semen! We were concerned, freaked out, and it was on him and me...but seemed to just be on skin

Well, when I read this, I assumed it was NOT safer sex. I see him anally bleeding as you said the blood was on you? and him? Your sperm, his blood?

How about you give us real details?

Because you mentioned that you are undetectable, I'll again assume you thought you couldn't infect him, and went ahead and had unsafe sex.

If what I think happened, and he IS positive, I think you owe him alot more than just 'hey I'll be there for you buddy.' He may be an immature 23 year old, but YOU are 45.

If it didn't happen this way, then , sure, what everyone above me said.

sdcabincrew74 · « **Reply #18 on:** January 15, 2007, 02:12:47 am »

Just what everyone else said, highly unlikely you caused it, if, it is even true. But I understand the fear, my partner is neg and my greatest fear in life is infecting him.

ACinKC · « **Reply #19 on:** January 15, 2007, 10:02:55 am »

Im Paul Harvey on this one..... Whats the REST of the story?

newt · « **Reply #20 on:** January 15, 2007, 05:49:53 pm »

It is a big deal, the possibility of infecting someone, yes indeed, lived with that for 7 years. My reaction reading this is "Whoah! Have a cup of tea...." It seems kinda convenient that he got his anger going when he found you in bed with someone else, and that the test came back the day before....

Soz to be blunt, but I smell a rat. If you used condoms in December then you are not the reason he's HIV-postive now. Personally, I'd want to see a piece of paper. But, whatever...he's angry and thumping you and that's not on. Plus he knew you were positive beforehand (Note to self: Hmm, matt, that ain't making it easier, it's still a trip, the possibility).

So, what lots of other people said I guess.

Bit of science, genotyping here means jack squit, unless you have a very odd geno and he has a match. It just ain't accurate enough to tell you anything conclusive.

- matt

DingoBoi · « **Reply #21 on:** January 15, 2007, 06:59:11 pm »

sorry to say this and I don't mean it 'mean', but are you sure he is positive? Could he be just trying to 'guilt-trip' you?

Maybe I missed something but other than his 'word', how do you know he's actually positive?

red_Dragon888 · « **Reply #22 on:** January 15, 2007, 07:06:18 pm »

I agree. Did you both go to the doctor and see the results. In addition, did he get from you?

alterman · « **Reply #23 on:** January 16, 2007, 01:58:23 pm »

Don't falt yourself,because he got a hand in it also, don't let him run that guilt trip on you just to make you responsible for his short coming
He's also in love with you ,and you all have eachother to support.you all should go and get married and take care of one another.

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Author Topic: Feel Like Shit: Unintentional Transmission to Ex (Read 6515 times)