A big 'hello' from me :o)

[ryansson]

Hi All,
         Been a lurker here for a wee while and decided I would stay in the shadows no longer and actually get involved in things.

My story briefly is this; I met a girl on a friendship site late last year who was very open and honest about her positive status, we started chatting and realized we had an awful lot in common eventually deciding to meet up about a month ago. I wasn't totally ignorant about HIV but not particularly clued up either and aimed to keep the relationship on a platonic level if am honest out of fear really; I guess I was in some sort of denial though as looking back I would say there was a 'click' between us even over email and we took things at an easy pace, but when we eventually met we just gelled immediately, it had actually been years since I had that chemistry with anyone, very exciting but very scary as am sure you can appreciate. I'm usually very cool when it comes to romance but this last month has been so intense with us spending so much time together, it really has been an emotional roller-coaster ride with me agreeing to go see her consultant for a chat and getting tested myself whilst there (still got the bruise from two weeks ago cos they couldn't find a vein lol), I tested negative but what a wait for the results!

We waited a couple of weeks before we became intimate and have to say even though it was worth the short wait I was still filled with doubts about what was safe for us and what was risky, I will spare you all the details but even now I still have the same doubts which I know I can talk with her about but I guess will be a big learning curve for me, thing is I really do think this girl is worth it, she is a beautiful person with a huge heart and an even bigger appetite for Chinese food

So that's where I am at the moment, I never seem to do things simply lol. Am hoping to chat openly with people  in similar situations (or anyone at all really), I know there are allot on here who have had a diagnosis well into the relationship where the emotional investment is already there, but, how about those of you like myself who have chosen to enter a new relationship with a positive partner? How did you progress?

Thanks for reading all and I look forward to chatting more with you.

[Ann]

Hi Ryan, welcome to the forums.

I can't answer your questions about going into a new relationship with a poz person, but I can tell you a bit about hiv transmission.

It's pretty simple, really. Sexually speaking, the only proven risk is unprotected anal or vaginal intercourse. Use condoms correctly and consistently and you'll avoid infection. You don't need to worry about kissing, mutual masturbation or even going down on her. None of these things are risks. I was with an hiv negative man for eight years. We'd been together for eighteen months before I was diagnosed, yet he remained hiv negative. It's harder to transmit from a woman to a man, but don't take chances, use condoms for intercourse.

Read through all three condom and lube links in my signature line so you can use them with confidence.

And congrats on your new relationship. It sounds like you two are good together and there's no reason why hiv should be a problem. Go for it!

Ann

[ryansson]

Thanks Ann,
                   I know allot more now than I did thanks to my partner and just conducting my own research, we have used condoms for sex at all times, but oral sex am still not sure because there seems so much conflicting info which doesn't sit easy with me, we tried it firstly using a condom, but it really wasn't ideal and lass said that she felt there was no huge risk doing it without, I do trust her even after such a short time together but must admit it does worry me. I would love to go down on her too but again I seem to be getting so many views on this, it can be so confusing; consultant says there has been transmission through oral sex each way but risk is very low, lady I am with is recently on meds and viral load is undetectable, how would this affect transmission chances?

Sorry am sure you have answered these questions many times before and thank you again 

[Ann]

Ryan,

Your partner being undetectable is very good news. It does lessen the risk a great deal. Couples are even having children, conceiving the natural way without condoms, when the woman is undetectable. I've yet to hear of any man becoming infected when making babies this way.

Unless your oral health is extremely poor, don't worry about going down on her. There's never been a confirmed, documented case of transmission occurring during oral when a person's going down on a woman. There's absolutely NO risk in her giving you a blowjob. The only oral that might, with poor oral health, be a risk is GIVING a blowjob. You don't need to worry about that in your situation.

Hiv transmission doesn't stand a chance of happening via female genitals to mouth - there are just too many obstacles on the oral route.

The first obstacle is the mouth itself. The mouth is a veritable fortress, standing against all sorts of pathogens we come into contact with every minute of our lives. It's a very hostile environment and saliva has been shown to contain over a dozen different proteins and enzymes that damage hiv.

Hiv is a very fragile virus - literally. Its outer surface doesn't take kindly to changes in its preferred environment; slight changes in temperature, moisture content and pH levels all damage the outer surface. Importantly, it needs this outer surface to be intact before it can latch onto a few, very specific cell types and infect. 

Which leads to the second obstacle. Hiv can only latch onto certain types of cells, cells which are not found in abundance in the mouth.

The third obstacle to transmission this way is having hiv present in the first place. The female secretion where hiv has been shown to be present is the cervicovaginal fluid. This fluid is actually a thick mucus that covers and protects the cervix deep inside the vagina.

The fluid a woman produces when sexually excited comes from glands located on either side of the vaginal opening. I have yet to discover one shred of evidence (and believe me, I've looked) that shows this lubricating fluid to have any more hiv present than other bodily secretions such as saliva, sweat or tears. Saliva, sweat and tears are NOT infectious fluids.

So there you have it. Once the results of the serodiscordant studies* started rolling in, what we know about hiv transmission on the cellular level was validated. The only people who were getting infected were those who had unprotected anal or vaginal intercourse. Period. One of the three studies went on for ten years and involved hundreds of couples. That's a lot of nookie.

*There have been long-term studies of couples where one is positive and one is negative. In the couples who used condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse, but no barrier for oral activities, not one of the negative partners became infected with hiv. Not one.

When my partner and I first knew about my diagnosis, we used plastic food wrap for oral and believe me, it wasn't worth the bother. As I learned more about transmission, we ended up doing without the wrap. He'd been doing it for eighteen months previously and didn't get infected, and he did it for the rest of our relationship without getting infected. He's hiv negative to this day.

Doctors and other health care providers tend to err on the side of caution where oral is concerned. They're not the people who are living with this, and if you ask me, it's easy for them to say, but I bet in practice it would be different, with what they know.

One thing my ex-partner and I found to be reassuring was routine hiv tests for him. The first year he went every three months or so, then six months the second, and by the time we split, he was only going every couple years. We knew our practices were safe where hiv was concerned, and the repeated negative results confirmed that for us.

You're going to be fine where hiv is concerned.

Ann

[Ann]

Ryan, I can't believe I didn't think to invite your girlfriend to join us! There's quite a few other positive women here, and we even have our own forum where we can talk girl-talk without you men interfering. It would be nice to see her here.

And by the way, I live on the Isle of Man. (yes, we pozzies are everywhere!) 

Ann