Mornings are the worst

[Cojo]

It has been just over a week now since I heard those dreaded words. I have found the support on this forum to be incredibly inspiring and helpful and has really helped me to move ahead.
The toughest thing for me right now is the morning. I wake up and go into panic. The thoughts that occupy my days about HIV and all the worries come rushing all in and with a tidal wave. I usually have to run to the bathroom (runs literally) and that starts my day with worry that it is an OI (amazing how quick one picks up the acronyms!). So now with stomach in knots, the last thing I want to do is eat or get up and face the day. Bed seems like a sanctuary and sleep is the bliss of not being in this current stressful reality.
Can anyone relate to this morning experience? What did you do?

[Matty the Damned]

Hey babe,

One week in? Well it's not surprising you're still panicking a bit. Everything you're describing sounds like a pretty standard reaction to trauma.

If you're having trouble coming to terms with your diagnosis, perhaps getting some counselling is in order?

But whatever you decide to do, resist that urge to stay in bed all day. Surely that way depression lies. Get up and get on with your life. It might seem hard right now, but you've gotta get on with living. Drag your ass outta bed if you have to.

MtD

[mecch]

Of course you are a mess, so many of us experienced shock.  Some dont of course.

Please inform:  Do you hav someplace you have to go and function everyday?  Job, school?

You mentioned staying in bed as a refuge.  This is of course natural and calming but not all day every day.   

If you have a job or school in which you have to function, get some anti-anxiety medicine.  It cuts that anxiety quickly and could help you function and its through the functioning that all your normal life will slowly, or even quickly, come back into regulation.

My suggestion would be - anti-anxiety for the morning.  And if you have evening trauma, or can't sleep, get sleeping pills.

That is what this medicine is made for - smoothing out mental crisis.

[drewm]

Cojo...

Let me suggest mental health counseling, perhaps a psychiatrist. I am seeing a psychiatrist and am on Prozac which has helped greatly. It also helps to have someone to bounce things off of. Your fears are understandable but will likely diminish with time, no need to wait though, get some help. There's no shame in the game 

[jp2011ny]

hey Cojo,
I was disgnosed 3 months ago. I usually make dr's appt at 9am so I can go to my office right after. I got the news and I went to work like nothing happened. And the next day and the next day I got up in the morning with fear like you do now and went to work like nothing happened. I had so much fear and anxiety but I went to work. Because it was my responsibility. And the pay check of course. I guess I have been hiding it well.
Trust me. Every minute I thought about HIV. But I had to work. I tried not to think about it and tried to focus on work. It worked.
And I like reading. Reading helped a lot too. I started reading Sookie Stackhouse novel series. There are total 11 books. I kept reading every night when I came home. 11 books have gone by pretty fast. I am reading some other books. So whatever you like to do, just do it and take your mind off.
Anti depressant helps too. I had already been on anti depressant for other reasons. When I was diagnosed I increased the dose. It works well for me.
Please feel free ask any questions if you would like. Do what you like to do and try to enjoy it like there is no tomorrow. I hope you feel better soon.
JP

 

[buginme2]

It sucks in the begining.  You think about HIV all the time, at least I did.  I remember people telling me on here that it would get better and I would begin to not think about HIV 24/7.  Low and behold they were right.  Are you worried about the OI stuff or are you down on yourself for allowing this to happen? 

[lost_boy]

Hey Cojo,

You're in shock mate. Happens to us all. I was diagnosed in late 2009. I spent the first few days in utter denial, but carried on going to work, even though in the words of one of my colleagues I looked like someone had just died. Outside of work, I found it hard to eat, obsessively read up on HIV on the net, and just felt, I don't know, empty. It kind of helped when I finally had a big cry, told a close friend, let my ex-bf know (who was great, thank god), and forced myself to do other normal things to distract myself (exercise, video games...). I also drank rather a bit too heavily! But seriously... this is normal and part of the grieving process, because that's really what you are doing. And as trite as it sounds, it does get easier with time. It's honestly not the end of the world. It's an adjustment for sure, but you're going to be fine in the long run, trust me!

Glad you found these forums (I know I was...); they are a great source of support and info.

Hang in there!

[Cojo]

I have been really lucky to have a Psychiatrist or a few years now to treat my GAD (generalized anxiety disorder). For many years I have taken Cipralex (Lexapro in USA) and it has kept my GAD at bay. I can't imagine what this would have been like without that med!!
I have a great job that I look forward to each day. I am in Senior Leadership in an organization and it has provided me with lots of flexibility. I am one lucky guy!
You folks are a real blessing; I hope that I can give some back or too the next "newbie" in the forums once I have some time under the belt.

[spacebarsux]

The first few days/ weeks are the worst. I was glued to the net educating myself on HIV as well as painless suicide methods ! But mine is probably an extreme case. It will get better man. Just give it time.

One thing I want to stress is that do not confine yourself more than what is necessary. You probably do need some time to yourself to just get your head around the news. But overthinking about it is going to get you in a hole. So do not stop doing things you enjoy otherwise- such as working out, going for walk, the movies and most importantly hanging out with your close friends and family.

[Nicolas2]

I agree - mornings were bad.

For me, the worst were (and sometimes still are) waking ups in the middle of the night. AN INSTANT smash of reality, fears, dark thoughts, projections of near and distant futere (especially intense layer of panic)...

But it is getting better now...

Just hold on.

It's good for you you love your job.

[Matty the Damned]

I can remember a time when the last thought I had before falling asleep and the first thought I had upon waking was:

Today there is more of the virus and less of me.

That thought hasn't intruded for quite a while. It's absence is a nice sensation.

MtD

[jeezx]

hey Cojo i am 4 months after being diagnosed and I have had this problem ever since..
I really do feel the same - sleeping gives me the chance to run away. only in dreams i feel negative again.. i force myself into sleeping.
i find it very hard waking up in the morning. i feel very relaxed and calm the second before i wake up, and then - bang! it hits me right in the face: 'why?', 'why did it happen?' 'if only...' 'this isnt fair' and so on..
i start thinking i put myself into a labyrinth with no exit. i just want to say: "ok, i get it. learned my lesson. i promise it will never happen again! NOW LET ME GO!'. i can take punishment for days, weeks, months. but for many long years from now? its just not fair. i am the only one the blame however.
when i do wake up. i am looking throughout the day a lot about research news gathering as much information as possible. scientist are actually talking on a cure and not just new treatments. when im not busy i think of HIV, but not in a bad way. I think I can somehow deal with it only because it seems like a cure is just a matter of time (even if not very short), so it makes me feel like there will be eventually an end to this part of my life.
at night im going to sleep quite relaxed and happy.

but again the very next morning, i start it all over again...........

[Cojo]

Jeezex, you hit it right on. It's all the blame, guilt and sorrow that rushes back in. It's also the permanence that really gets me down; it can never be fixed or reversed per se. I will never be without this F***ing virus in me!! I know we are a different stage as newbies than so many of the fantastic folks who have taken the time to reply (and really inspire me), but I wonder when that time came when they said " Good morning good God" rather than " Good God, it's morning". A few years ago I read a great book by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross about the stages of grief and I know acceptance is at the end of that road...for those who can find it...

[phildinftlaudy]

Hi Cojo:
Actually you have already started that process - whether you know it or not - of say "good morning, good god" instead of "good god, it's morning" - just by continuing to share and post on these forums..... It is a funny thing (and actually an amazing thing) these forums.  As members post more, share more, read more, and post, share, and read more in topic areas that relate to HIV, but sometimes don't even relate to HIV - they start to see that there is still a lot of life outside of having this disease.

When we find ourselves laughing, crying, yelling, singing, talking, in these threads our mornings start changing.  Even when we find out blood boiling over a certain topic or a certain comment a member has made - our mornings start changing.

We are so much more than HIV ---- all one has to do is read through the various threads and the topics that get started.  We talk about movies, songs, politics, religion, humor, current events, food, pets, friends, jobs, travelling, the weather, food, treatment, insurance, activism, food, other members, our families, food, AMG, nutrition, waking up in the morning, porn, food....  (Yeah - I know --- food is on there a few times -- but, hey, that's what we do - LOL)

As the mornings turn into nights and then to the next day and the days turn into weeks and weeks into months, and then years ---- we find our mornings getting better.

So, I think you are on the right path.  Keep sharing.  And read and share in some of the other topic areas going on when you feel like it....  Have fun, laugh, cry, get angry, get upset, smile, bite your tongue, etc, etc.... 

Before you know it - and without even realizing it - acceptance comes.

Best to you -
Phil

[skeebo1969]

It has been just over a week now since I heard those dreaded words. I have found the support on this forum to be incredibly inspiring and helpful and has really helped me to move ahead.
The toughest thing for me right now is the morning. I wake up and go into panic. The thoughts that occupy my days about HIV and all the worries come rushing all in and with a tidal wave. I usually have to run to the bathroom (runs literally) and that starts my day with worry that it is an OI (amazing how quick one picks up the acronyms!). So now with stomach in knots, the last thing I want to do is eat or get up and face the day. Bed seems like a sanctuary and sleep is the bliss of not being in this current stressful reality.
Can anyone relate to this morning experience? What did you do?

  I can relate to what you are currently going through.  These moments were not solely regulated to the morning either.   One time at a traffic light two days after diagnosis comes to mind here, very special times indeed.  Cojo, I hated the fact that I couldn't roll over in bed to get that extra bit of sleep in the morning because my mind would instantly start racing, thinking about HIV.  It sucked, but it did go away and, of course as you already alluded to, acceptance plays a major role in getting through this period.   It does get better once you learn how to live with it.   

There is a book called The First Year: HIV.  It was pretty helpful for me in some aspects, however,  nothing helped more than the forums.

 

[Assurbanipal]

Jeezex, you hit it right on. It's all the blame, guilt and sorrow that rushes back in. It's also the permanence that really gets me down; it can never be fixed or reversed per se. I will never be without this F***ing virus in me!! I know we are a different stage as newbies than so many of the fantastic folks who have taken the time to reply (and really inspire me), but I wonder when that time came when they said " Good morning good God" rather than " Good God, it's morning". A few years ago I read a great book by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross about the stages of grief and I know acceptance is at the end of that road...for those who can find it...

I think a lot of new folks get into a headspace that this issue is "forever"  -- often they are advised to think that way by the well intentioned.

But that is really not a very realistic way to think about treatment or even potential cures for someone diagnosed in 2011.  It might "feel" easier to think of committing to a course of treatment for 10 (or even 5) years instead of forever.  In 10 years we should either have much better treatments or much less expensive treatments (many currently patented drugs will be out of patent by then making the drugs much cheaper -- unless better treatments have come along and been patented). It's likely we will have better genetic testing to see whether a person is likely to get any of the worst side effects from a particular drug.  We could well have treatments that don't need to be taken on a daily basis or we could even have a cure.

10 years is a very long time in the history of AIDS drugs -- the triple combo is only 16 years old.  

So, if it helps, don't think of this as forever -- think of this as something you are committing to for 10 years at which point you will reconsider what is available.

Hope things look up for you

[Cojo]

An excellent point to chunk time. Reminds me of "one day at a time" . I guess part of the struggle is that in feeling I have lost all control of everything, I want to attempt to regain some control by mapping out how things may or may not unfold and then try to deal with any outcome. As an example, I read through a guide that described the potential side effects of every HIV drug and got super anxious. Then I thought, I am worried about the side effects of 30 drugs when I will only be on 3!! And I don't even know what they are!

[Assurbanipal]

Then I thought, I am worried about the side effects of 30 drugs when I will only be on 3!! And I don't even know what they are!

...or whether you will get any side effects from those three.


Sounds like you are starting to catch yourself and avoid assuming the worst.  That's a sign of emerging acceptance.

Be well
A

[Ann]

Reminds me of "one day at a time".

I found the Serenity Prayer to be very helpful in the early days of my diagnosis. As I'm not religious, I replaced the "God" with "Please", or just omitted it entirely. It was my mantra for quite a while and I did a lot of "navel gazing" over just what things in my life I could change and what I couldn't. It was liberating in a lot of ways and it might be for you too.

Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

It really does get easier with time.

[Joe K]

Hey Cojo,

Adjusting to being poz is something that will come to you, when you are ready.  There are no right or wrong ways to adjust and for now, you might want to just take things one day at a time.  I also want to caution you about playing the "What If" game, because it is a game that you can never win.  If you allow yourself to view every permutation of what can possibly go wrong, you will never succeed in finding the real issues that are important to you.  It will only hurt you, if you insist on borrowing troubles, real or imagined, from the future.  This isn't about what other people do or experience, it is about you finding a way to come to terms with your new reality.

You have been given life altering news that is frightening and your initial reactions are perfectly normal.  This is a time, when you need to be kind to yourself and hopefully you can give yourself permission to feel, whatever it is you feel, without the need to do anything about anything.  Emotions can be very powerful, but just because you "feel" something, does not make it real.  I also find that emotions are neither good or bad, they just are.  It is the actions that can cause problems and right now, you just need to give yourself the time to think and feel and begin to develop your own acceptance of being poz.

You have done nothing wrong and HIV is not a punishment, it is a virus.  You are still the same person that you were prior to becoming infected, you have a disease not a character flaw.  One tip I will offer is that when I start to feel anxious about something, I force myself to answer the question: "What is the worst thing that could happen?"  When I find that answer, it is almost always much less sinister a answer, as opposed to what I can imagine.  You are not going to die from HIV anytime soon, so take the time, to be kind to you and that includes your body, mind and spirit.  Do something nice for yourself, everyday, without fail, because you matter and there is nothing wrong with you, just the way you are.

[Cojo]

Hi folks,

Fingers must have slipped so I will try this again!
Tomorrow I see my new Dr. for the first time. He is a referral from a friend who is poz and he is a PCP, but right on top of things with lots of poz patients.
I actually had a few moments of relief while away, where for a fleeting moment in the sunshine, HIV left my mind. I am grateful for that, but also cognizant that when it returns it is such a let down...
Its been 17 days for me now and I am waiting to wake up and have the crew of Punk'd or some reality show tell me "experiments over, you learned all you needed to....move on your actually neg..." Do any of you have that?
Meeting my Dr and getting started on the process is a little bittersweet. It seems what little innocence is left will soon be examine, analyzed and clear as a can be in real data. This both urges me on and scares the daylights outta me. I don't know if I can handle anymore bad news! I am thinking this is a recent infection so from what I have read i should expect a high VL and low CD4 whilst the initial war rages. I am also mindful of how folks like DrewM have started with not-so-good first numbers and have dramatically changed that in a short period of time. It's so nice to know you all are here...