POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: sanitex on September 16, 2010, 12:16:13 am
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since i was diagnosed for hiv+ 20-12-2007 my whole life have changed
adding that i'm suffering from anxiety disorder before i tested positive.
(1)hiv have destroyed my entire life
(2)hiv have change my travling procedure
(3)hiv have destroyed most of my relationship with people
(4)hiv have made me look as if i'm alone
(5)hiv have putting my life in desperate condition and despair.
(6)hiv and anxiety have made me to stop my exercise
so how about you?
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Hi Sanitex, sounds like depression to me. Go see a shrink.
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I wouldn't say HIV has destroyed my entire life. However, it has changed it and I continue to work on that. It has mainly changed it by adding so much fear to my life. Fear about every sniffle. Fear about being around others who are sick. Fear about germs. We just had a water leak in the basement which is a finished basement and where our media room is or whatever you call it--where we watch TV. The water caused mildew in the carpet. I began wondering whether something like mildew could hurt me. I would have never thought that before--black mold yes, but mildew, no.
It has also changed my social habits. We don't do the same things anymore. We use to go to state parks and going hiking. We would be out on the lake every weekend on the jet skis. We have not been to the lake since I was diagnosed. First, it is depression I think that makes me want to just stay home. Second, I have this irrational fear that something will happen to me way out in the middle of no where and can't get medical attention. I think this is due to getting sick with pneumonia and where I had to be rushed to the ER because I couldn't breathe. I believe if I hadn't gotten sick before I was diagnosed, I would being dealing with all this fear better. I wish I could say I quit smoking for health reasons only. However, I quit because of an irrational fear that smoking would trigger some event where I couldn't breathe. Messed up, huh? Smoking is not good for the lungs, but a fear that it will trigger some immediate lung problem? Earlier this year, I had so much fear about going on vacation. We drove all the way to Florida and I had this fear something could happen so far away from home. I hate those fears of noting where hospitals are on trips. It isn't normal. PTSD, no?
There is something about all this anxiety. I often wonder whether HIV itself (without knowing you have it) can cause this. In the year leading up to my diagnosis, I began having all these panic attacks. I would be at the store and have one. I'm sure they thought I was suspicious with the shakey hands and sweating. It got worse after diagnosis. I'm trying to manage it and it has gotten better. I hope I can get back to the old me and stop having all these irrational fears. Of course I worry about living to an old age with good health.
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San, could you consider going to the support group at anonymous clinic this Saturday?
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Hi Sanitex, sounds like depression to me.
ad2san,definitely i'll go and see them after i most have taking my dinner,but not
withstanding,i'm not deppressed but i found it difficult since i was diagnosed.
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We all die eventually. Hiv put a focusing lens on the amount of time I was wasting not enjoying the sands falling through my hourglass. I can understand being upset about your diagnosis, but at some point you have to start living your life again.
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There is something about all this anxiety. I often wonder whether HIV itself (without knowing you have it) can cause this.
I wonder too, but I also know that not knowing would cause me to wonder if I have it and whether am a danger to other people.
Has it destroyed my life? Am anxious most of the time about the unknown. Maybe socially because am exhausted most of the time physically and mentally. Careerwise I suffer from diminished brain power and should it become clear to those around me, my fear is how I will cope with not being a corporate woman in decision making. In my love life, I get approached but men seem to walk off as soon as I disclose, those who stick around do it for a short while not to make feel bad except I remain feeling bad anyway, wow, makes me think of a song by Don Carlos "Just a passing glance" is all I get. Sometimes I even erect a wall around me to protect myself from getting hurt, what a life.
Best of all, am managing my anxiety and getting timely medical help.
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I choose not to say that HIV has ruined my life. That seems a bit extreme.
But it for sure has changed my life. Life comes at us all, and knocks us down at times.. But isn't that what life is all about? Dealing with adversity, learning from the pain, picking yourself up and moving on.
Yes HIV has it's challenges. But it sure as hell beats Lou Gehrig disease, or liver and lung cancer.
It can always be worse. Maybe I'm wearing rose colored glasses. But maybe this view has given me hope. I'm still here, and grateful for every moment.
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I don't know if this is appropriate or not but during the same week I got my diagnosis (a few months ago), my mom called and told me that one of my best friends from Kindergarten had just died of cancer. He was 28 years old and he was diagnosed 11 days before he died.
Although that may be somewhat morose, it has really put life into perspective for me. Some researchers now project that as many as 1/2 or 1/3 will develop cancer sometime in their life. Many of us may die from other things. In the meantime Hellraiser's advice is good. My diagnosis was a wake up call for me and I intend to appreciate every day.
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It's improved my life. It's sad that it took HIV to do that but "it is what it is".
It's made me a kinder, gentler person. It's made me a better person to my family, and a better friend. I see things differently now. I'm not afraid to die (although I know I'm going to have a normal life-span).
It has made me more cognizant of my health, I'm much kinder to my body now.
The biggest change is to my social life, although my social life was previously filled with vices, so maybe that's not a bad change. I'm working on building a new and healthier social life.
Am i happy I have HIV? No. But I'm grateful for the positive improvements it has bestowed on me.
I have alot to look forward to, and there are great things in store for me.
There are great things in store for you also Sanitex, and for all of us.
-Will
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I had the joy of being told that I have AIDS at the same time that I was told that I have HIV.
Things that is has done...
1. Caused me to take better care of my self.
2. Caused me to take medicine.
3. Caused me to take a different look at death and living. We are all unsignificant blips on the radar of humanity. 50 years after we are gone, most of us won't be remembered.
4. Caused me to appreciate the good things in my life and to avoid the bad... We won't live forever.
I agree with other people posting to this thread. You need to talk about your feelings on HIV. The disease has probably shaved a few years off your life, but you are not dead now. You can either live dreading the fact you have this disease, or you can live enjoying everything that you can do.
I used to work in an office with a guy that had severe birth defects. He was a very sharp guy with a deformed body. He had a hard time walking, and definately had a hard time in the romance department. He lives a happier life than most people I know becauase he concentrates on the cool stuff he can do.
Good luck to you...
Hey Sanitex... I just looked at your stats and at your original post. You are healthy. Some of the symptoms in your post may be caused by meds (anxiety for example) but most are in your head. You really should seek therapy in a group setting or one on one. There is no reason to go through life depressed if you can avoid it. Finding faults in ourselves and the way we think about ourselves can be difficult... All the same, you don't want to stay in the rut you are in.
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Led me to a life of poz-on-poz only no-condom hot sex, treatment activism, the best people, sobriety and good health thanks to ARVs, I cannot ask for more. - matt
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I'm a Newbie but thus far HIV has radically changed my life. Pre-Diagnosis I was in a downward spiral of self pity and depression after my BF left me for a 20 y/o. My self esteem was shot and I was down and out.
HIV for me has:
(1) Made me realize I need to take care of myself and also accept myself faults and mistakes and all
(2) Live life to the fullest no matter what the circumstances
(3) Finally find purpose in life. Before I was just existing instead of living, and now I want to actually LIVE
(4) Most importantly it has made me a better Brother, Friend, and fellow citizen. We only get one shot and I'd rather be remembered fondly as a kind heart and caring soul versus as someone that was broken and defeated and just gave up!
It sounds like some things are not so good for the OP and I really hope you find a balance and inner peace. No matter what spin you put on this disease good or bad its just that a disease. It doesn't have to define you or rule your happiness. It afflicts you, and you are still in charge...
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HIV has made me a loving, caring person void of bitterness.
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HIV has made me a loving, caring person void of bitterness.
;D
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HIV gave me really bad gas all the time.
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HIV has got me on the wellfare .
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HIV has made me a lovinglusty, caring person ravenous bottom void of filled with bitterness.
Fixed.
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Fixed.
I was a bitter bottom way before HIV came into the picture.
If any of you let a little ole virus change your personality then you're just not the girls I thought you were.
(http://i1007.photobucket.com/albums/af197/bedstuy65/legallyblonde460.jpg)
Also, when you're eventually reincarnated remember to wear a rubber, OK?
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I was considering myself a very happy man. (and a survivor of those times)
The + test was a shock, I am still suffering from (residual anxiety).
But , however strange it may sound, I think I back on track and going to be even more happy than ever before. And may be bit more willing to bring/share happiness with others
Cheers
Eric
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Led me to a life of poz-on-poz only no-condom hot sex, treatment activism, the best people, sobriety and good health thanks to ARVs, I cannot ask for more. - matt
Words of wisdom.
I can't say that I have changed because of HIV (no microscopic bug is gonna define me or turn me into a better --or worse-- person).
There have been a couple of changes however that I can thank teh AIDS for:
1. Getting out of a dreadful relationship with an emotional pirate.
2. Becoming friends with some wonderful individuals whom I probably would've never met otherwise.
3. Being more careful about my health in general.
And that's that. It is what you make of it.
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HIV made me stop drinking heavily, stop taking coke, join a gym, eat healthier, feel healthier, get my marraige back on track, spend quality time with my young daughter, clear out all the deadwood from my life and take full control again, and fully appreciate life again as i was in a downward depressed unhealthy spiral.
So for me all good.
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Hiv made me focus on my health... and it really made me a more loving, caring person... plus I've brushed my skills up on VooDoo! ok its just a hobbie but, its something I enjoy! Hexes and spells just come natural? lol
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I think it makes me hard worker. I feel I am running short of time. I have two jobs. I work seven days a week and fourteen hours a day. Getting and saving some money to a child whom I brought into this world. :D
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I lost my boyfreind/partner because of my infection.
At first he was very supportive, went to the clinic with me and helped me get though the acute phase but afterward he started to drift away. First he implemented a very strict no sex policy (everything- even protected). He was very scared of any fluids (tears, saliva everything). If I would touch or kiss around his eye he would freak out.
This later turned into a no intimacy policy (no kissing, no touching, no drinking form the same glass etc). I could see that just touching his neck repulsed him. I was craving intimacy and he was rejecting everything.
After this he started to resent having to take care of me when I was emotionally weak during times and any help I would ask of him turned into a big fight. For example, if I needed his help to translate something he would accuse me of being weak. This was very hard, I didn't know what I could do.
We were an intercultural relationship so there were already a lot of obstacles but this issue was just too much for him.
Sadly, he was the best match I ever had in my life. We had a great emotional/intellectual/spiritual bond but the infection vetoed everything else. It literally became the only issue and I have become not a person or boyfriend but a disease.
The funny thing is that he is a pharmacist, very well educated, works for Merck and is very familiar with HIV, Meds, infection routes, risky behavior etc. He has infectious disease textbook with thousands of pages but none of this "textbook" knowledge could overcome his psychological fear of somehow becoming infected.
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Led me to a life of poz-on-poz only no-condom hot sex
I am confused, can you not get reinfected with poz-on-poz only no-condom sex? I thought I read something about a super strain you can get this way?
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HIV/AIDS totally destroyed my life; but since it wasn't able to kill me,
I've had time to regain/rebuild much of my life that I was stolen away.
AIDS killed off all my friends
AIDS caused me to lose my job and ability to work
AIDS made me puke everyday
AIDS made me have to fight off homelessness 3 times
AIDS put me in the hospital twice and nearly took my life
and worst of all
AIDS took the lives of not one but two long-term partners.
so
I made new friends
I got onto better meds
I haven't puked but twice in two years
I got healthier and was able to work some part time
I got healthier and have been able to volunteer my time working with my ASO
I moved back to my home town area to be with my family after 25 yrs
I haven't been back in the hospital in nearly 13 yrs
and best of all
I'm healthier than I've been in the nearly 20 years since I was diagnosed and I can hardly remember (only cause I try really hard to not remember) all those miserable years (a decade) I spent very sick with AIDS and very near death.
as I've said numerous times, the only thing you can't fix is death.
everything else can, at least, be made better it not fixed outright; but it takes hard work and patience.
You have to want things to be better, you have to work to make them better,
and you usually have to wait to reap the benefits of that hard work.
cheers sanitex. ;D Wait till you've lived with this bug another 15 or 20 years. ;) At some point, you'll learn to take it all in stride and will work around the problems that HIV throws in your way
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I thought I read something about a super strain you can get this way?
you might want to check out this thread question on superinfection (http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=31877.0) or do a search on this site about "superinfection". So far the documented cases of "superinfection" do not seem to be of pozzies who have been UD long-term and have adhered to their regimen. Those that have gotten other "strains" (HIV resisitance to certain meds) have been those having unprotected sex with high VL and not on treatment. As mentioned several times, IF poz-on-poz unprotected sex by UD people led to superinfection, it would be a huge problem here 30 yrs after the start of the epidemic. The fact that so many here have had unprotected serosorted sex without having medical failure shows that superinfection is not a common incident. ;)
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Thank to you guys for your wonderful and courageous replies my heart
is fill with joy now, i belive we'll all withness with our two eyes and hear with
our ears that there's cure.
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you might want to check out this thread question on superinfection (http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=31877.0) or do a search on this site about "superinfection". So far the documented cases of "superinfection" do not seem to be of pozzies who have been UD long-term and have adhered to their regimen. Those that have gotten other "strains" (HIV resisitance to certain meds) have been those having unprotected sex with high VL and not on treatment. As mentioned several times, IF poz-on-poz unprotected sex by UD people led to superinfection, it would be a huge problem here 30 yrs after the start of the epidemic. The fact that so many here have had unprotected serosorted sex without having medical failure shows that superinfection is not a common incident. ;)
Thank you very much leatherman for that info. I was totally unaware of these issues! Thank you for the link as well I will start to research and educate myself about this specific topic.
I am glad I had the courage to ask and I am also thankful that you gave me such a considered answer. I have seem some noobs asking innocent but sincere questions and they have received some off-putting smart a&%, sarcastic remarks. So again I would like to thank you publicly for your kind answer.
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What HAS HIV done to my life?
I've been poz most of my life now. In fact I don't really remember being neg. I saw two choices: self-destruction (as my high school boyfriend did) or keep on trying to live and pursue my goals. Fortunately I chose the later and even more miraculously I survived.
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HIV made me stigmatized.
It made me feel how people can be cruel and ignorant.
In a way it opened my eyes.
Now I'm alone, but proudly alone.
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Now I'm alone, but proudly alone.
You go, boy.
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HIV has made me more patient and sensitive to the frailty of others.
HIV has made me make more time for myself (and enjoy it).
HIV has stigmatized me and made me anxious about dating (working on it).
As a result of testing positive, my sex life has dwindled down to 2-4 times a year.
Testing HIV positive has made me experience some of the best sex in my life, but also confirm that anonymous sex (for me) is so overrated (which might seem contradictory).
HIV has made me more health conscious and lead a healthier life (apart from not working out as much as I did pre-diagnosis).
Living with HIV has made it very clear to me what true friendship means and made me a better friend.
HIV has made me less willing to have selfish, self-absorbed, or extremely dysfunctional people, regardless of HIV status, around me (coz I find it too draining)
HIV has sent me to the hospital a few times and made me appreciate my own cooking so much more.
HIV made me appreciate life and the city I live in (NYC) so much more.
HIV has made my dislike for generalizations stronger(even though I'm guilty of generalizing sometimes) - my experience is not necessarily yours and vice versa, but both are valid, especially when it comes to living with this virus.
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For me personally, it has brought both good and bad things. I am definitely more focused on what I want to do, where I want to go and how I am going to get there. However I have grown weary of people and the wall around me has gotten much thicker.
In other words, it has brought about significant growth in some aspects of my life but has a lot stunted me in others
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well it seems i am alone..................................as in my life day in day out...i am not hiv+ ...i'm me and thats it.......i decided not to let it ruin my life i was 23yrs old in love and just got our first house, working hard and getting on....i wanted my own business, i wanted a farmhouse and some land for my dogs and horses, i wanted a nice car ......and i went and got it.........................the only regret was NO KIDS..but things have changed and maybe im passed my best at 42 but my husband and i have decided to try for a child....so no it didnt ruin my life....i am inpatient , i want things now, i dont have time for losers or non-tryers..........i have possibly the most scary disease ever but until i step foot in that hospital clinic i am not poz...........and when i am at the clinic it seems like a lifetime..........so everyone deals with things in their own way..i didnt expect to still be here and thinking about growing old .....i have what i want and intend on keeping it...grow old gracefully and thank god i wasnt weak.
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All HIV has done to me is make me more health conscious and keeps me from making mistakes that I did in the past. I feel i am healthier now as an HIV+ person then I was as an HIV- person. I am lucky to have gotten HIV in 2010 and not in 1980. As a previous poster said, there are a lot worse diseases to get, like lung cancer or Lou Gehrig disease. The old saying even works here, 'every cloud had a silver lining." There is always someone worse off then you just remember that. I don't let HIV consume me, and the few people that know i have HIV have said it seems to have not affected me one bit. I'm healthy and able bodied, i am going to enjoy my health now because who knows what HIV is going to bring to the table for me. I have only had it a very short time!
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Life post-HIV has turned out alright. I guess thinking about mortality made me think about things I normally would have ignored. That ultimately led to me leaving Texas and eventually the US, plus changing gears on my career. Not sure I would have done all those things had it not been for the diagnosis in 2003. Too bad it takes these type of events to refocus your life.
I could do without the pills, disclosures, tests, etc...but hey ho, all and all I've got no complaints.
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It makes me move and pause in life with more purpose and appreciation.
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I certainly don't like the fact that I'm HIV+, but I think I have a better life post diagnosis. I have met some of the most amazing people and become friends with them. I've certainly had the best sex of my life without fear of HIV (though fully aware of other STD's). I've become more aware of my health and take better care of myself. I'm much closer to my family and close friends. In fact, I don't think I've lost but maybe one since diagnosis, and I have the feeling that he may have infected me, but I really don't know. Overall, I really can't complain about much at all.
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certainly discloure of my status to my elder brother and sister was a very big mistake to me
during my diagnosis,now i want to tell them that after i must have taken my medicatin that cost
me almost 25000usd for six months they recheck my blood and everything was clear according to my doctor.
why i said this was my family still uncivilized and they do not know anything concerning hiv so that
the stigmazation will reduce from them untill good news appear.since i was diagnosed 2007 three years
by now they have not seen me because i live in thaiiland planing to visit my cuntry during chrismas time .
what do you think?
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since i was diagnosed for hiv+ 20-12-2007 my whole life have changed
adding that i'm suffering from anxiety disorder before i tested positive.
(1)hiv have destroyed my entire life
(2)hiv have change my travling procedure
(3)hiv have destroyed most of my relationship with people
(4)hiv have made me look as if i'm alone
(5)hiv have putting my life in desperate condition and despair.
(6)hiv and anxiety have made me to stop my exercise
so how about you?
HIV has taken my energy, my trust in people, my appetite, my love of life, my social skills among many others. I wouldn't say its wrecked my life but sure has made it difficult to enjoy it.
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since i was diagnosed for hiv+ 20-12-2007 my whole life have changed
adding that i'm suffering from anxiety disorder before i tested positive.
(1)hiv have destroyed my entire life
(2)hiv have change my travling procedure
(3)hiv have destroyed most of my relationship with people
(4)hiv have made me look as if i'm alone
(5)hiv have putting my life in desperate condition and despair.
(6)hiv and anxiety have made me to stop my exercise
so how about you?
I am sad to hear HIV has been so devastating to your life.
Since you put this in its own thread, can you share some of the context?
How is your health these days?
Can you figure out a solution for the future for the cost of your medicine?
To answer the question - for the negatives:
Getting infected with the virus cost me a fair amount of money.
it made me sick for a few months when I first got infected.
it caused a lot of anxiety
it made me scared
it made me want to isolate myself (but I am working against this pressure)
HIV affected my life in negative ways many times before I got infected, too.
Also, there are many changes that are neither positive nor negative - just a lot of work.
And there are some real benefits that I decided to take from getting infected.
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certainly discloure of my status to my elder brother and sister was a very big mistake to me
during my diagnosis,now i want to tell them that after i must have taken my medicatin that cost
me almost 25000usd for six months they recheck my blood and everything was clear according to my doctor.
why i said this was my family still uncivilized and they do not know anything concerning hiv so that
the stigmazation will reduce from them untill good news appear.since i was diagnosed 2007 three years
by now they have not seen me because i live in thaiiland planing to visit my cuntry during chrismas time .
what do you think?
Did you tell them that you are "cured" (all is clear). Do they think you are cured of HIV now?
I understand that they are ignorant about HIV but I don't think it helps you to mislead them, even if it makes it easier for them to accept you.
I hope that you visit them at Christmas this year and that you can teach them some more about HIV. Its a good idea to explain that your HIV is "sleeping" and does not effect your daily life. That can help everyone find the space to learn more about the virus.
Also I hope they will eventually come to understand how brave you are, and that the virus is just a virus. And just love you for the family member that you are.
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Also, 25,000 USD for 6 months??? Do you mean 2500 US dollars.
If you have no insurance, you should be buying GENERIC HIV drugs, not name brand. There is no reason to spend 5000 USD a month on brand name. Few combos of 3 drugs cost 5,000 a month even for brand name. 30 days of name brand "ATRIPLA" is 1-2000 dollars.
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Life for me has changed radically. Like others here have stated, being HIV positive has caused me to try and take better care of myself. I do not want to post ad nauseam about the horrible days when I was hospitalized with PCP Pneumonia, so I will focus on the better changes HIV forced on me.
1) HIV caused me to come out to my family.
2) HIV caused me to halt the careless sexual activities I was engaged in.
3) HIV caused me to realize that being healthy is not to be taken for granted.
We choose to either accept it and deal with this virus or not. Life may be different now but is certainly still worth living.
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HIV has made me think about it 24/7 since my diagnosis. Its also made me completely apathetic and indifferent to things and people around me on certain days; and conversely appreciate things and people around me in ways I'd never done before on other days.
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Oh yes, and HIV has given me my first dose of 'depression'. I had no idea how awful it can be.
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it's made me have an appreciation of ZOMBIE movies (as well as zombie threads)
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What's up with these Zombie threads? ???
and how are you doing Sharkie? Hope life is treating you well, my friend....
:-*
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What's up with these Zombie threads? ???
Wolfter reckons it is directly linked to the End of Days (http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=38118.0).
I reckon he may be right. :o
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It's too early for me to consider this. So far, it has made me think more about my future.
In the first days of grief, however, I found by accident an excerpt of a book about Spiritism talking about the fate of a man who had HIV. It said that HIV was not a punishment, but a trial for a person to go through in order to become a better person and feel compassion for his fellow human beings.
I don't really believe in these religious ideas, but reading it did make me feel better. I do feel having HIV gives me the urge to be a better person. It puts us in such a frail position that we realize how stupid some things are and that we stress so much about.
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September 16, 2010
Oh my god I've been punked.
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Wolfter reckons it is directly linked to the End of Days (http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=38118.0).
I reckon he may be right. :o
Oh my gosh, I got that one.....quite funny too. ;D
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September 16, 2010
Oh my god I've been punked.
Or resurrected?
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willwump says earlier that it made him kinder and gentler, for me i feel its done the opposite, i tend to have even a shorter fuse, especially at work, some days i just want to escape and run down the street away from everyone... Not always though i have my moments i guess.
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willwump says earlier that it made him kinder and gentler, for me i feel its done the opposite, i tend to have even a shorter fuse, especially at work, some days i just want to escape and run down the street away from everyone... Not always though i have my moments i guess.
Well, now that its resurrected.
For me it can go either way but the few months on sustiva definitely tipped it into the short fuse arena.
I'd say it popped some of my illusions and Im not sure that's always a good thing.
Marlene Dietrich puts it well:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=thm9wU4JESs