Oh, now this is a red letter day!

[aztecan]

-I was a the gym today, trying to get some exercise in to see if I can lower my blood lipids and stop my liver from becoming a war zone.

I've noticed of late people giving me queer looks. You know, the ones where you catch them looking at you and they look away really quickly in the hopes you didn't notice them looking.

They are always looking at the same thing - my hump.

People had told me it wasn't too conspicuous and nobody would notice it if I didn't draw attention to it.

They lied - or the hump is growing again.

Today, it went a bit farther than whispers and furtive glances. I was in the shower and was talking to someone I see there regularly. All of a sudden, he gets this perplexed look on his face, reached behind me and pokes my hump. Then he patted it.

This would have been bad enough, but then the said, "What you got going on?" while making gestures presumably meant to mimic the hump on my back. "Is that a growth or something?"

What this guy doesn't know is I know he is a possie. So, I look at him and say, "Its caused by my meds. You've heard of lipodystrophy, haven't you?"

He turned pale, said, "Oh, yeah." He then completed the quickest shower in history without uttering another word and left.

OK, that was probably mean of me, but I didn't like suddenly becoming the center of attention, especially not for that reason.

To make matters worse, a very attractive younger man, probably in his early 40s,  then comes in, smiles rather sweetly and procedes to shower and then enters the jacuzzi.

My lapse into a libido-induced euphoria faded quickly, as soon as I saw my reflection in a nearby mirror. I looked like an anorexic Quasimodo.

At the moment, I would like to lock the doors, close the blinds and never leave my house again.

Not altogether practical, but, I am feeling particularly old and ugly tonight.

SIGH,

Mark

[emeraldize]

This creep certainly has utter disrespect down to a low-life art form. Touched you in the shower? Poked and patted your hump? You were nice, Mark. I would not have been nice. I would have been talking about talking with management, woven in expletives and other unpleasantries.

I re-read your post. What this guy doesn't know is I know he is a possie. I took it initially to mean posse, as in scout for the rest of the curious. Then I re-read it and realized you meant to write pozzie. Even worse!! He of all people should respect your literal and figurative space.
I definitely would not have been nice to a fellow pozitoid who acted as he did. And, I would not show my hand either--he would never know I knew/know.

On the total UP side.

So glad to hear you were at the gym.

[Robert]

 

red letter day my ass.  Mark, it really ticks me off to hear this.  You're a singularly handsome man whose good looks are only topped by your sense of humor and whose intelligence is guided by widsom and a big heart.  I love the little signature retort you gave him.  He obviously can't handle it.  Maybe you taught him a lesson.  I doubt it.  Little minds are like that.

robert....who I guess is blind because I really have no idea what hump you're talking about. 

[DanielMark]

Ah yes, encounters with the tactless. I love those. Some folks just have no clue about boundaries.

Sorry to hear about this Mark. I must confess I did chuckle tho when I read "he then completed the quickest shower in history."

Hump or no hump, you seem like a great guy to me. Don't let them get to you.



Daniel

[allanq]

Hi Mark,

What a jerk that guy at the gym was! You handled it very well--better than he deserved.

For me, lipodystrophy and lipoatrophy have been very hard to deal with. The loss of fat in my face was especially hard to deal with. I looked sick, even when I was feeling well. Treatments with PMMA in Mexico helped my self-esteem a lot, but I still have a bony butt and skinny arms and legs to contend with.

Would your insurance pay for liposuction to remove the fat buildup on your back? Perhaps you could have your doctor document that it is not just a cosmetic issue. Some insurers (such as Kaiser in the Bay Area) do pay for this procedure. A friend of mine had it done two years ago, and the fat has not returned.

Mark, I was wondering if you've tried fish oil capsules for the cholesterol and trigylcerides. Ever since I started taking them, my cholesterol has gone down from over 300 to around 200, and my triglycerides have decreased from around 700 to 300 (still high, but not as bad as 700). I take 6 capsules a day, a total of 3600 mg of EPA & DHA. I use the kind that are "deodorized." (The other kind makes me burp up a fishy taste the whole day.) I cut out ice cream, but I still eat beef and lamb every other day.

Allan

[pozniceguy]

Hey Mark...ignore that jerk...I saw you and your "hump" in SF  if you hadn't said anything I would not have even noticed it...a good looking guy like you  doesn't need the type of shit that idiot put out...  you could have  just tried to smile and say that is a special result from too much sex..

Nick

[J.R.E.]

Screw these people Mark.

Your post made  me slip back to 2003, when people at work, were actually making bets on who was going to die first. Me( Just prior to my aids diagnosis) or another maintenance man at that time, that had a  heart attack. I also remember a period back then, when I didn't want to leave the house, except to go to work and get back home again. I just know that I am glad that Ed was there for me, to help me out of that deep slump. Don't allow yourself to get into that mindset.

There are those few very daring people that look  at me and, and think their being funny , when they say "Hey, you look pregnant !! "  It's usually the last time, they make comments like that, but I still know their talking.  Screw them !

By the way, from what I've seen of your pictures from the last AMG. You look great !!



Hang in there Mark-----Ray

[aztecan]

Hey all,

Thanks for the encouragement. I know I shouldn't let things like this get to me, but this time, it did.

I guess it all started building up with the NASH thing and the knowledge there isn't much I can do about it, except try to watch the fat intake and keep monitoring it.

Then, I have been getting the winter wardrobe out and doing the usual sorting of the old and new, what to get rid of and what to keep. Problem is, many of the shirts don't fit any more. The combination of the weight I have gained and the hump/neck expansion has made some of them simply too small.

It's not that I have gotten that fat, just the combination. But still, I have gotten rid of about half my winter shirts.

Then this guy at the gym shows up, after I went through another couple of hours of the "whispers."

It just got to me last night.

I really sounded like some whiny "oh poor me" person out looking for a pity party, though. I didn't mean to, just poured out that way.

Anyway, I am feeling better tonight, thanks in large part to the great support here.

Hey Allan, I take 4,000 mgs of fish oil a day. It has helped drop the triglycerides as long as I don't eat ice cream.   

I haven't checked into having the hump removed - yet. I certainly will though.

Again, thank you all.

HUGS,

Mark

[BirdBear718]

My first thought when I read your post, I thought "noooo way -- who would hurt yourrrr feelings?" 

You are always so supportive and kind.  So, to hear someone hurt your feelings, makes me mad.

You are not an "oh poor me" person.  You were venting.  Everyone needs to do that.

I am glad you are feeling better today.  That makes me happy.

Keep exercising.  Keep going out and doing fun things you enjoy. 

Good thoughts to you!

[redhotmuslbear]

Mark,
Perhaps some self-defense classes are in order, so the next person to accost your person can draw back a bloody stump?  I can't relate to the fat re-distribution, but I;'ve through a lot of similar image and chatter crap due to surgical scars on my head and torso from a couple dozen brain surgeries.  I got good at internally saying "Fuck them!" but the attention chipped away at my self-image, and I'm confident that the self-image issues played a role in my infection with HIV.  Then, after my last fleet of surgeries in 1994, I had this revelation abouit my scars as symbols of strength, and I've had no problems with showing them via military-style haircuts and even modeling.

Fat re-distribution is your badge of honor and distinction, if you choose to think of iit that way.  Next time a poz queen leers at or pokes at the hump, remind them of what you've survived.  That will be a bigger shock than "lipodytrophy!"

Namaste,
David

[bear60]

What is amazing is that the person who touched you is also HIV positive.  Touching you in the first place is a very strange thing. 

[BT65]

Mark, dear, I don't think you're whiney in the least.  That guy deserved a lot more than you gave him.  Had that been me, I would've had some good retorts going on.  I agree with Bear, the thing that he was touching you in the shower sounds bizarro to me.  You're a sweetheart, Mark.  Don't let anyone take that away from you.

[lipoenvy]

Wow.  That is irritating in the extreme.  Except for the attractive man smiling at you.

The changes I've had the most trouble with have always been the ones that happen the fastest, or in combination, whether they were changes in my appearance or in my labs.  Too much change too fast feels like sand washing out from under my feet in the tide.  Where will I be able to stand?

I alternate between being horrified at what I see in the mirror and thinking:  Should a veteran of so many battles be ashamed of his battle scars?  No.  Be proud of them.

[pozattitude]

red letter day my ass.  Mark, it really ticks me off to hear this.  You're a singularly handsome man whose good looks are only topped by your sense of humor and whose intelligence is guided by wisdom and a big heart.  I love the little signature retort you gave him.  He obviously can't handle it.  Maybe you taught him a lesson.  I doubt it.  Little minds are like that.

robert....who I guess is blind because I really have no idea what hump you're talking about. 

I could not have said it better.
I know that when shit like that happens it can be difficult to get up from that depression hole but rest assure that you had the misfortune of encountering a total ASSHOLE and you should not pay any attention to people like that. 
Just to add to what Robert has said....he forgot to mention the beautiful smile you have to add to the whole package.


lots of love to you and big hugs   

Rich

[pozattitude]

red letter day my ass.  Mark, it really ticks me off to hear this.  You're a singularly handsome man whose good looks are only topped by your sense of humor and whose intelligence is guided by widsom and a big heart.  I love the little signature retort you gave him.  He obviously can't handle it.  Maybe you taught him a lesson.  I doubt it.  Little minds are like that.

robert....who I guess is blind because I really have no idea what hump you're talking about. 

[komnaes]

Anyone who is not nice to Mike is no friend of mind..

Sending you a big cyberhug, Shaun

[ademas]

I hear you.

You have such a gentle and honest way of expressing yourself, Mark, and I almost always relate.
I'll bet you're one helluva caseworker and advocate, too.

HUGS back at ya.

[AlanBama]

Mark,

I know exactly how you are feeling.   You might could even understand this type of 'rude' behaviour, from someone who had no knowledge of side effects of HIV treatments.....but from someone who is himself positive, I just don't get it.....glad you got in a "dig" back at him.

While I do not have a hump (yet) I have the facial/butt/leg/arm wasting thing going on.....I get so tired of friends and well-intentioned people saying "you look so tired" or "did you not sleep last night"?  I just want to scream "HELL NO, my skin is like wax hanging off bones, it just looks droopy and there's not a whole hell of a lot I can do about it.".   But I usually smile and make some idiotic excuse....which only makes me feel worse.

Wearing our lipo "battle scars" amongst other poz people can be, in a weird way, rewarding......but I don't think it is nearly so much so in the "regular world" of people we encounter in our day-to-day lives.   How do you explain a hump and/or a sunken face to someone who 1) doesn't know you have AIDS and 2) you don't particularly WANT to know you have AIDS.

Somebody let me know if they ever hear of any experimental or "charity" type facial fillers...I know I could probably get the drug for free, but my problem comes in with the doctor's fees to administer the injections....

hugs,
Alan

PS - you look FINE to me. 

[paolo10954]

Isn't it the truth you only need 1 thing to bring you down amidst the vastness of love, warmth and affection you gather from all of us here?  Count your blessings...you are well loved and respected, myself included. Why do you think it was easy for me to approach you in SF?  Glad you are feeling better. You only deserve the best!

(BTW, i'm in SF now  )

Paolo

[SoSadTooBad]

Mark - your kindness and support on these forums makes you beautiful a way that physical charactertistics cannot change. 

Also, you look like a cutie in your pic.  :-)  Be well, and tune out anybody that thinks otherwise. 

sstb

[joemutt]

Mark, you're hot.

[sharkdiver]

You know Mark,
the same kinda thing happened to me a few months ago in my yoga class (go figure).. This guy I've known for several years kept coming up to me and patting my belly and occasionally saying "you are so muscular, what's up with this?"  Finally I said  "It's from the meds?"  "What meds? "he asked  I said "well I have had AIDS for about 23 years"   
He looked at me, speechless.   He hasn't done it since. 

Good for you for speaking up.

umm,  BTW from your pic you look like a handsome guy.
 

[DAF]

Hi Mark,

I am with Emeraldize Perhaps I would have kneed him where it counts for touching me. My hump is so bad that I have named him Quazi Moto and my partner has to help me get dressed or the hump keeps the shirt or sweter from coming down like it should. My friends didn't say anything to me and one day I caught a glimpse of it in
the mirror. That was a two week session of depression. I feel lucky that it hasn't somenow gottten biger than what I had expected it to.

Take care and know that I am rooting for you, may you be blessed with frineds that don't even notice becuse you are precious to them.

DAF