Not so newly diagnosed

[misfit81]

Hello all,

I tested positive for HIV last March and have been having some difficulty dealing with it, as I'm sure many people do.  I did the things that I was supposed to do; went to my doctor, found a specialist, began treatment.  However, I believe I was in shock for the first few months.  After that wore off I slipped into a deep depression which lasted, well, until just a couple weeks ago. 

I told my family right away along with a few very close friends.  They urged me to find a local support group or to find someone to talk to that has experience with this situation.  I am a registered nurse at one of the local community hospitals as well as an active member of the community. Though discrimination laws prevent me from losing my job or licensure, I am not ready to expose myself to the world that way quite yet. 

When I was first diagnosed, I felt like all that I had worked for and dreamed for was being ripped away, not to mention that I would be a disappointment to my family.  I worked so hard to get through school and earn my degree, I was ready to find my mate, settle down, start a family, and have some children.  I have been extremely lucky in the family I was given.  My mother has been very supportive and continuously tells me that all those things I want can still be mine.  I suppose I didn't actually believe that.  I hadn't dated or even responded to anyone interested in dating me over the last year and a half.  I finally started seeing someone a couple of weeks ago.  We would text every day all day and went out a few times.  He was HIV negative.  When I felt that our relationship was heading in a steady direction, I revealed my HIV status to him.  This was the first time I had a potential partner that I needed to tell. It was absolutely terrifying.  He responded well to it and said we could still see one another.  However, that wasn't what happened.  He stopped replying to messages a few days later.  Despite the fact that we stopped talking, the experience was liberating.  I gained ownership of myself once again. He was the first person outside of close friends or family that I told.  I knew I did need a person, or a group of people, to talk to, but am still reluctant to look in my own community.  That is when I began looking for online support forums and found poz.com.

I know I haven't asked any specific questions here, but is there anyone out there in a similar situation? This is my first posting and my first time reaching out to anyone besides my close friends or family.

Thank you,
misfit81

[mecch]

Well welcome here!
About the guy who disappeared.  Well that sucks but at least you made lemonaid out of a crappy experience and saw it as liberating.  Eventually someone will REALLY not mind!

[Ann]

Hi Misfit, welcome to the forums.

Listen to your mother - she's right. There's no reason why you cannot follow your dreams.

There are guys out there who won't run away from your status and the ones who do, well, who needs them. Some who run away are the types who never test and could easily be poz themselves and just don't want to know. They run because they're in denial and you bring their fears to the forefront. And of course there are always other poz people looking for love, just like you are. Don't ever give up on finding love.

You say you're not ready for a (face-to-face) support group in your community, but have you thought about going slightly outside your community? If you're in a metro area, this may be easier than you think. Check out the Health Services Directory at poz.com for ASOs a little further afield.

One thing I want to point out - your username. Why so down on yourself? You got a virus and you got it by doing something that pretty much every other adult on the planet has done at some point in their lives - you had unprotected sex. It's a normal and natural human activity regardless of your sexual orientation. Stop beating yourself up.

You're not a misfit, you're human being like the rest of us and you made a mistake somewhere along the road. We all make mistakes. I know I certainly have - otherwise I probably wouldn't be here either. But I don't beat myself up over it! Shit happens - it's where you go from here that matters. Don't let this damn virus ruin your life - it doesn't have to and you do have power over it. Trust  me on that. It does get better.

I'll say it again - listen to your mother! I'm glad you have her in your corner.

Hugs,
Ann
xxx

[kobra83]

Hi there.
I felt the same when i was diagn. Last year.i could n belive that this happend to me.The week after was the worst in my life.The country where i live it is very small and in the town is like everybody knows everybody.there is no place where the people that live with hiv can meet,or not that i could find it,so we have to go the hospital.here they don t have time for you to much.i mean they just make you the check ups, but they don t stay to much to explain you.we had to read on the internet so we can learn how to understant our analys.i haven t told my parents and i will never do.i can t put them to deal with this.a few friends of us know that we are hiv positive,me and boyfriend.but i feel is not the same talking with them and talking with somebody in our situation.that is why we tried to find forums where we can talk with people like us,to share our feelings,worries and experiences.i am a strong person and this help me eventualy to pass the initial shock, and i said that as long as i still have to live i will make it worth it.to be onest my result after one year goes very well with no need of meds.probably i fownd the virus early.more difficult is to be strong for my boyfriend.his results are not very good.it is so difficult  to  try to  give strenght to somebody when u feel like shouting inside .i feel  so good now that i can share all this with you people  :-).
So you see misfit, each one of has has his own story.i think you have been very strong to tell your situation to your parents.i can t.i feel like i will disappoint them.like somebody else said here we all do mistakes one point in our life.and every act in our life has a consequence.as for finding somebody.you will i am sure of that.the guy that is taking our blond told me that people got together after they met in hospital.so you see?hugs xxxxx

[Jmarksto]

Hi Misfit;

To answer your question - yes, I am kind of in a similar situation.  I am now less than two months post diagnosis -- I think I am past the shock, but still reeling emotionally.  I have some good days (where I listen and believe advice such as Ann's) and I have bad days (where it is hard to get out of bed, anxiety increases, and things are dark).  I am trying to feed the good days and push negative thoughts out -- a few things that are helping me are exercise, counseling sessions, and spending time with loved ones (one of which knows, the others don't). 

In terms of finding someone to talk to - I am/wasn't ready for a support group for many of the same reasons you noted, although I have been seeing a therapist that has been HIV positive for 14 years, specializes in HIV counseling, and has great insight.

One thing that I wondered while reading your post is whether the depression was associated with your meds.  If you are feeling better it may be a moot point, but if it comes back it would be worth discussing with your doc.

I do appreciate you posting, thanks,

JM

[weasel]

 Hi Miss Fit  ,

                         Hope you are feeling better tonight . It gets better with time .
   I once felt my life was over .
    Well it was not and is not . It took me a few years . I made major changes
  to my life and my partners life also . We moved to the woods and slowed down .
 May not have been the right thing to do but it helped me deal with AIDS diagnoses . I just turned 58 a few weeks ago .
 Nowadays I am feeling well and sure of myself .
 I go to a support group  65 miles away , not by choice , nothing closer .
 Often having someone to talk to is an issue for me . We live in a Town  of 57 people .... LOL
  I hope you become comfortable with your life , it will be fine ! 
  I found councilors  at the VA to be a great help for me .

                                         Glad to meet you ,
                                               be well   ,  Carl   AKA   Weasel 

   P.s.  My Husband of 32 years is NOT HIV POZ