HIV tango

[auspoz]

Forgive my rather trite analogy, but I'm in the middle of a tango. That's how my life with HIV feels at the moment.

I go to work and try and carry on as best I can. It's tough mysteriously going from being really good at your job to being really bad for a while, then ordinary. I wonder how I am doing what I'm doing, but somehow most of the time it works. I used to be the funny, exciting one at work. Now I feel like just another number. I love my job, and it's a damned good one, I really don't want to leave it.

Then I come home, maybe talk to one of the few that know, and get on the computer. Maybe I have to make that pattern change.

Then there's friends. Strangers are easy. But as I'm not ready to tell friends at this time, I'm glad I was always a bit quirky. My relative distance from people, which I was blissfully unaware of, has become both a blessing and a curse. It's helping me get away with being downright weird in social situations, and 'forgetting' to return calls. I know it's not healthy to hide away, but I just have a lot going on upstairs, and need to be alone for a while.

Then there's the mental tangos. The "if onlys" and "whys" and "maybes". The "OK- so now..." isn't there as much as I'd like, but it all takes time. Integrating therapy and clinic visits into the routine add to the weird sort of dance. I guess I just never envisioned this kind of reality.

Sorry to vent like this, just needed to get it out. My psych says the weird music that's constantly in my head is an obsessive characteristic. Perhaps it's just the new soundtrack of my new dance/life.

I think in some ways I'm getting better, and I'm grateful that I am physically well. Just confused by the new choreography.

Thanks for listening to my rant.

Auspoz.

[anniebc]

Dear Aus

I wish I had more time to tell you things will get better..but unfortunatly I don't right now, I have so much on at the moment..so all I have for you right now is a {{{HUG}}}

More hugs
Jan

[allopathicholistic]

I guess I just never envisioned this kind of reality.

Well said, Auspoz. I could say the same. I do say the same! I'm glad you have a psych; I do too. Most have tons of experience and they can totally help you figure things out. At first I was going to the psych every 4 months, now it's every week almost. Here's a hug

[lucas clay]

Then there's the mental tangos. The "if onlys" and "whys" and "maybes". The "OK- so now..." isn't there as much as I'd like, but it all takes time. Integrating therapy and clinic visits into the routine add to the weird sort of dance. I guess I just never envisioned this kind of reality.

Sorry to vent like this, just needed to get it out. My psych says the weird music that's constantly in my head is an obsessive characteristic. Perhaps it's just the new soundtrack of my new dance/life.

I think in some ways I'm getting better, and I'm grateful that I am physically well. Just confused by the new choreography.

Thanks for listening to my rant.

Auspoz.

The woulda, coulda, shoulda, will drive you crazy if you let it.
The only thing you can do now is to move forward, to find what helps get you through it all.
I can relate to a lot of what you said.

Good luck to you my friend, and keep us posted.

                                                          Lucas

[beenthere66]

Auspoz

I understand what you are going through.  There are times where I get tired of the same repeated advents in my life.  Just focus on the good things you have in your life.  You have a job, family and friends.  Realize that many of us don't have all that and wish we did.  Being on meds for a long time I also realize that there are some meds that can make you depress also, so always check on your meds report especially if they are new.  Start changing the repeated things you do everyday, start surrounding yourself with good people and you will start to feel better.

beenthere66

[auspoz]

Thanks for the support Jan, Allopathicholistic, Lucas and Beenthere66. I just need a bit of that at the moment.

Jan- thank you for the cyber-hug! I send one back to you.

I am grateful for the support I have here. Just keep trying to do my best.

Auspoz.

[Iggy]

Just confused by the new choreography.

As someone who often feels that he has two left feet when it comes to the dance of life, I dig your post.  I suppose that's why I never graduated much from the mosh pit either literally or metaphorically.

It will get better as far as coming to terms with it. 

In the meantime, you are among friends.

[YaKaMein]

Hey Aus,
You're where you need to be right now. It's a place of great strength and insight. Whether you've worked hard to get there or it comes naturally, own it. Sometimes we need the uneasiness you describe to reevaluate where we are and where we might go. I suspect that's what's going on. I happens to me in my growth. The process is invaluable and not often clear for a while. So, keep doing the tango until you choose another dance. Just know that you're leading and it's powerful.

-YaKaMein

[sprockett9]

Aus, I understand.  This "tango" is driving me crazy right now!!!

I know, you all will tell me i need to talk to someone -- I know -- I just haven't been able to find someone yet through my healthcare...(yes, i also know that is just an excuse)....i have had therapy years prior so i understand the benefits...

I guess i have hidden behind walls of "normalcy" for the past 3 years.  Mentally I know I am the same person and have all the same great aspects to my life.  I am SO fortunate and try to be thankful for everything I have.  I feel stupid sharing this -- and don't necessarily know how to do it -- but will just jump in and hope you all understand...

Look, I get it -- I have been blessed genetically with a great bod and face -- I have done (and one coming up) ads for magazines, etc.  I have a "real" great job -- just do this when friends ask...I believe more about the inside though.  I am smart, have a great job and overall have my sh*t together...I am not really into the scene -- would rather be at a sports bar watching a game than a gay bar or club.  I get hit on all the time but I just don't know how to broach the subject so i just don't do anything.  Often they are people that know other friends, etc.  I am paralyzed .... I am caught in what anyone on the outside thinks is a perfect life and I hold this secret that shatters everything. My friends are starting to wonder what is up, I can tell -- I am not responding to any of the guys that approach me...

And many of the guys I have met that are pos have been screwed up in some way or another (this is NOT meant to say all guys that are pos are -- LOL i don't think I am...just the ones i have met - mostly online) -- whether they are sex addicts, recovering meth addicts/alcohol/drugs or just wacked.  H*ll, I don't even know where to meet a good looking, pos man...which I don't know if that is the answer...

I think I have pretended the past two years I was in control but now I am not so sure -- whether it is denial or what -- I don't know.  I am not "depressed" -- at all.  These emotions are different...I am an emotional wreck keeping it together with duct tape...I thank god for my life, i do -- i just don't know how to find my place in the world anymore... UGH!!!!

thanks for listening to me... :-(

Dean

[auspoz]

Hi everyone. Um not feeling very good right now. Just needed to vent somehow. I thought I was doing a lot better, and confided in a couple more people, but it ain't happening for me.

I'm ready for any advice people have for "moving on". Conceptually and intellectually I understand the concept. I wish there were some way to get my mind and heart to feel the same momentum that it seems others have. I was always quite shy, and I sometimes feel like I'm imploding now.

I know there's probably never a point at which one feels like "I get it now". But 'why me' is back and I'm trying really hard to budge it. I have therapists and anyone who knows saying all the right things. But I don't feel it within. I think this is being triggered by another lonleyish weekend, with a hell week of watching other people stand on the platforms I built while I was 'obsessed' with work, while I was gaining all that approval to compensate for having a pretty fucked up personal life. Stop the world, I wanna get off. And not in the sexual sense.

Thanks for listening.

[BT65]

Auspoz, one of the things that helps me is volunteer work.  I know you probably have a busy schedule, but maybe one night a week or one day on the weekend? 

I used to feel very sorry for myself (I didn't realize how sorry) up until a few weeks ago when I started volunteering at a homeless shelter.  I hate having to turn people away because we're full and I can't imagine being in the situation of not knowing even where I was going to sleep during the night. 

I also talk to people who are just like me-past lifestyle wise, current lifestyle wise etc.-who are moving on with their lives; learn how they're doing it, how they deal with things etc.

I try not to let things overwhelm me.  If something's getting too much, I step back and let it go for the moment and come back to it when I'm more ready to deal with it.  And I talk about it-exactly what the issue is.  Sometimes other people can see more into the meaning of why I'm feeling the way I am than I can.  Good luck and keep in touch with how you're doing.

[Oceanbeach]

I think in some ways I'm getting better, and I'm grateful that I am physically well. Just confused by the new choreography.

Thanks for listening to my rant.

Auspoz.

"Into a Dancer You have Grown
From Everyone you have ever known
Throw some seeds of your very own
And the Dance becomes one of your own"- Jackson Browne
   Have the best day
Michael

[lucas clay]

Hi everyone. Um not feeling very good right now. Just needed to vent somehow. I thought I was doing a lot better, and confided in a couple more people, but it ain't happening for me.

 

I know there's probably never a point at which one feels like "I get it now". But 'why me' is back and I'm trying really hard to budge it. I have therapists and anyone who knows saying all the right things. But I don't feel it within. I think this is being triggered by another lonleyish weekend, with a hell week of watching other people stand on the platforms I built while I was 'obsessed' with work, while I was gaining all that approval to compensate for having a pretty fucked up personal life. Stop the world, I wanna get off. And not in the sexual sense.

Thanks for listening.

Hang in there buddy you are not alone.
my therapist tells me "you are doing all the right things"
And i come back with "then why the hell do i feel so bad"
I guess we just keep pluggin along, and hopfully it will get better.
Try taking it "one day at a time" with one eye on the big picture so to speak.
I hope it gets better for you

                                                  Lucas

[auspoz]

Thanks for your support everyone.

I still get really angry at, oh i dunno, the universe and myself I guess, or at whatever went wrong. All of the above? And at the fact that my mind is not as good as it was. Not trying to sound up myself, but I used to be razor sharp- now I'm not. And all the other stuff. I know it's futile, but my mind just goes there.

My therapist tells me I'm a perfectionist. Maybe that's true. I know I'm being hard on myself, and I am not to blame. But HIV has put big roadblocks in my path, as it must for everyone, and they're hard to get around.

I have also just realised I use far too many metaphors as well. Perfectionist? Nah.

[allopathicholistic]

Have you ever seen this movie http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sliding_Doors It might help you mentally and entertain you at the same time. It raises questions but won't fuck with your head. The moral of the story is "life can turn on a dime and the future's a mystery"