Argh!! What a struggle it's been

[Strong_but_weak]

So I've finally come to realize that this is more than I can handle on my own and this will at least provide a place to express how I feel that no one I know understands. If you want to skip the long story there is a summary below.

So here is my story in July of 2010 I lost my dad to congestive heart failure at 63 a month later I moved across the state after being accepted into a university there for a program I was/am passionate about. First time living on my own at 24 and in a place where I knew not a soul, I have never drank because of a family history of addiction so going to bars to meet people wasn't an option so I grew lonely and turned to having casual sex with a female who was a student in another program and was quite attractive, one night in November when didn't plan on having sex well it happened and I trusted her and had unprotected sex. The next month I was back home and met a girl that I was dating by the middle of December (she left me the following August which I have to be was partially due to my diagnosis). In January there was a blood drive on campus and a bunch of my classmates did it and got me to (I hateeeee needles) a couple weeks later I'm on the road back home as Feb 14th was not only Valentines Day but also my girlfriends birthday and I get a phone call, I was asked to verify who I was and that they were with the Health Department and needed to speak to me in person and refused to say anything else over the phone, the next morning I go there and I'm placed in a small room where a employee comes in with a folder, asks me my name then opens the folder turns it towards me and points at the line it read "Test: HIV   Result: Positive" I was shocked he asked me if I had any questions and then asked for partners in the last 12 months and then let me leave.

Out of part shock I refused to believe it was true and was able to have the appearance that weekend that I was normal me. I informed my professors I'd be out of classes for the week on Monday I went to have a retest where the blod center employee sat and talked with me and when I brought up the chance of it being a false-positive she told me "In my 20 years I've never seen one, not saying they don't happen but don't put your hope in it"....wow really? She couldn't have given me the ability to hope until the retest came back? I planned and was prepared to end my life later that day, I stopped by to tell my program coordinator I would most likely be withdrawing and thanked the staff. I stopped by the consoling center and said I needed to talk to someone and had a psychologist take me to her office when I told her why I was there, and why I wanted to end my life another psychologist and a psychiatric were brought in, after over an hour they said they wouldn't Baker Act me (a hold in Florida where a person in danger of harming themselves or others can be placed under a 72 hour hold at a hospital for evaluation)

A couple weeks later I got a weekend job so that I didn't have time on the weekends to think of everything and to distract me. In the October I'm playing flag football and I get hit in the knee there's a pop and pain I tore my ACL and meniscus damage which resulted in my losing my job and my ability to buffer stress. Soon after I had an internship that had me putting in 70 hours some weeks and with the knee prevented me from dwelling on the HIV thing, in May of this year I graduated and for the first time I had no escape I had to face what I had been running from and damn that was hard. I chose to go back to school for a masters with no other options, it was great to have something to occupy me but here I was back where I lost so much for so little for an hour of physical attention.

So now I have a new girlfriend who doesn't judge me for my mistake and while I'm lucky in that way I'm terrified of hurting her, I know the risks of transmission with a undetectable viral load but for me it only took 1 exposure and it's a hard thought to shake. I don't have anywhere to turn for people who have walked the same road and had the same struggles and have overcome them.

So here is a summary for anyone who skipped the long version in the last 2 years I've lost my dad, contracted HIV, and torn ligaments in my knee (that I'm still trying to get surgery on). After being diagnosised  I began to receive help from the county my initial viral load was 1,400 and got to 2,500 before starting Complera and 30 days later was undetectable and has stayed that way since. Not exactly how I pictured my life at 26 but that's life.

I'm open to any advice on coping, dealing, coming to acceptance with HIV and how to avoid sabotaging relationships by being too fearful. It's what I chose this username because while I've been strong enough to keep going I'm still weak at the core.

Thanks.

[mitch777]

hey strong...
welcome.
you gave us alot to digest and respond to in your first post.
please give us time.
there will be more support coming from many people on this forum.
please hang in and check back soon!
geez, you have had a rough time.
many of us, including me can relate to all of your stress.
me: 30+ years poz diagnosed at age 23 during my parents divorce.
no meds... bla bla.

you are with friends.

[Strong_but_weak]

I got nothing but time lol

[mitch777]

I got nothing but time lol

you said a mouthful in those 5 words.
remember that.

[WindySkies]

You're a living example that HIV can be passed from a female to male through sex.  Just the other day someone on here said that a male would be more likely to win 3 big lottery jackpots before they would get HIV from a female.     I'm guessing you'd disagree with that assumption!

Your realization that you just needed to move on is something I think a lot of people have a hard time getting too.  It's good to see that you were able to get to that point, and then use HIV as a way to improve your life.  Good job.

[Strong_but_weak]

You're a living example that HIV can be passed from a female to male through sex.  Just the other day someone on here said that a male would be more likely to win 3 big lottery jackpots before they would get HIV from a female.     I'm guessing you'd disagree with that assumption!

Your realization that you just needed to move on is something I think a lot of people have a hard time getting too.  It's good to see that you were able to get to that point, and then use HIV as a way to improve your life.  Good job.

Well I hit the lottery 3 times, it was just the bad luck lottery. I don't disagree from all the studies I've read it's incredibly rare and unlikely for a female to male transmission but it happens and I'll attest to that and I'd like to know where to go to get my 3 big jackpots it'd go for finally getting a new knee.

[mitch777]

self deleted.

[tednlou2]

Strong, I wanted to say hello and welcome you.  It is awful to be told those words that you're poz.  It does seem like everything is changed forever.  And, things are changed in many ways.  There are people who are able to process it and move forward.  Many have a more difficult time.  It is especially hard for those with pre-existing depression and anxiety.  I fall in that category.  I continue to tell myself this doesn't have to define me. 

Four years into this, I still struggle.  The awful panic attacks have become less frequent, in part to coming to terms more and medications.  I also see a therapist every two weeks.  He has had several poz patients, going back to the 80's, when so many were not patients for very long.  It is hard, for me.  I have many good days, but I have many bad.  I fear I will get sick again or get lymphoma or something.  The fear can be overwhelming.  I can be having a great time and boom; I have that fear roll over me. 

Are you seeing a therapist regularly?  It is great you have someone in your life.  There are many who have no one.  But, our realities are our own.  My partner is neg.  That does cause me concern, from time to time.  You're doing everything you can to protect your girlfriend.  That should make you feel good.  I am not on meds yet, so I often think I am being selfish by not taking being UD in a relationship more seriously. 

Keep in touch here, especially when you're feeling down.  I look forward to hearing more from you.  Don't worry about writing how you feel, even if that turns into a long post.  Look how long my reply is..lol.  It is often helpful to write it out, even if no one reads it.  I can't tell you how many threads I've written out, only to not post them. 

[Strong_but_weak]

Strong, I wanted to say hello and welcome you.  It is awful to be told those words that you're poz.  It does seem like everything is changed forever.  And, things are changed in many ways.  There are people who are able to process it and move forward.  Many have a more difficult time.  It is especially hard for those with pre-existing depression and anxiety.  I fall in that category.  I continue to tell myself this doesn't have to define me. 

Four years into this, I still struggle.  The awful panic attacks have become less frequent, in part to coming to terms more and medications.  I also see a therapist every two weeks.  He has had several poz patients, going back to the 80's, when so many were not patients for very long.  It is hard, for me.  I have many good days, but I have many bad.  I fear I will get sick again or get lymphoma or something.  The fear can be overwhelming.  I can be having a great time and boom; I have that fear roll over me. 

Are you seeing a therapist regularly?  It is great you have someone in your life.  There are many who have no one.  But, our realities are our own.  My partner is neg.  That does cause me concern, from time to time.  You're doing everything you can to protect your girlfriend.  That should make you feel good.  I am not on meds yet, so I often think I am being selfish by not taking being UD in a relationship more seriously. 

Keep in touch here, especially when you're feeling down.  I look forward to hearing more from you.  Don't worry about writing how you feel, even if that turns into a long post.  Look how long my reply is..lol.  It is often helpful to write it out, even if no one reads it.  I can't tell you how many threads I've written out, only to not post them.

I've long battled with depression but never sought treatment til after my dad, when I found out I was positive I only had 2 sessions left (school therapy a student gets 10 sessions) I was put on Lexapro in Sept 2010, it wasn't until early 2012 that I looked up the side effects and learned the forgetfulness, extreme lack of focus, and confusion were from the Lexapro and since May I've been on Wellbutrin (sp?) and those symptoms have disappeared, the only problem is that with that forgetfullness my memory is now clear and that's what haunts me at night I'll stay up til the sun comes up because I relive that night over and over, if I had just kept working on my research paper instead of leaving.....

I'm great at hiding emotions I can laugh and smile but get in my truck and cry, the whole having a girlfriend that left me for a guy who by all accounts is a step down has lead me to believe that the reason she left was my diagnosis. I used to live on my own when I found out and I wrote on a sticky "I am not my disease" and had it on my bathroom mirror now I live with a classmate (who knows) and it helps that I'm not living alone. It's also hard being back at school even though it's a masters program and watching people take risks and think nothing of it, the stigma in Florida sucks people think it's only transmitable by needles or homosexual people, or people who sleep around a ton, reality is that's not true I had 8 sexual partners before contracting HIV I had sex less than 50 times in my life.

One thing that helped me see that a place like this would help was watching the MTV special "I'm positive" which is on their site it ran on World Aids Day 2012 and my friends that knew watched it and they said it helped them understand, and by me watching I saw the support system those 3 had and that my support system was just me, and that's a system that is doomed to fail.

[Rockin]

I've long battled with depression but never sought treatment til after my dad, when I found out I was positive I only had 2 sessions left (school therapy a student gets 10 sessions) I was put on Lexapro in Sept 2010, it wasn't until early 2012 that I looked up the side effects and learned the forgetfulness, extreme lack of focus, and confusion were from the Lexapro and since May I've been on Wellbutrin (sp?) and those symptoms have disappeared, the only problem is that with that forgetfullness my memory is now clear and that's what haunts me at night I'll stay up til the sun comes up because I relive that night over and over, if I had just kept working on my research paper instead of leaving.....

I'm great at hiding emotions I can laugh and smile but get in my truck and cry, the whole having a girlfriend that left me for a guy who by all accounts is a step down has lead me to believe that the reason she left was my diagnosis. I used to live on my own when I found out and I wrote on a sticky "I am not my disease" and had it on my bathroom mirror now I live with a classmate (who knows) and it helps that I'm not living alone. It's also hard being back at school even though it's a masters program and watching people take risks and think nothing of it, the stigma in Florida sucks people think it's only transmitable by needles or homosexual people, or people who sleep around a ton, reality is that's not true I had 8 sexual partners before contracting HIV I had sex less than 50 times in my life.

One thing that helped me see that a place like this would help was watching the MTV special "I'm positive" which is on their site it ran on World Aids Day 2012 and my friends that knew watched it and they said it helped them understand, and by me watching I saw the support system those 3 had and that my support system was just me, and that's a system that is doomed to fail.

It's a tough situation man, I know. My only support system is me as well. My family knows about me but I can't rely on them, they are still struggling with the reality and still think something awful will happen to my health eventually.

But you are right, we are not this virus....don't even call a disease because we are healthy (well, some of us). It's just a virus, it hardly defines us.

I'm still the same guy I've always been. I was lucky to find a great therapist years ago that helped me get rid of all my ghosts and family issues without pills. I used to have horrible bouts of depression. These days I get sad from time to time but it's just that...sadness or melancholy, nothing deeper, something that happens to all of us.

Don't let this get you down, I'm sure you are an amazing guy. Whenever a bad thought crawls in your head, try to do something you enjoy to get rid of it. Do you exercise? It helps a lot in my opinion.

[Ann]

You're a living example that HIV can be passed from a female to male through sex.  Just the other day someone on here said that a male would be more likely to win 3 big lottery jackpots before they would get HIV from a female.     I'm guessing you'd disagree with that assumption!

You're quoting me out of context. I was talking about a brief exposure due to a condom break and mainly talking in the context of the woman having an undetectable viral load (because the person I was responding to is a woman with an UD VL). In all the years I've been doing safer-sex education, I've only ever seen one case where a man might have ended up poz following a condom break with a woman, and I have reason to doubt that particular example.

Well I hit the lottery 3 times, it was just the bad luck lottery. I don't disagree from all the studies I've read it's incredibly rare and unlikely for a female to male transmission but it happens and I'll attest to that and I'd like to know where to go to get my 3 big jackpots it'd go for finally getting a new knee.

I wouldn't say it's "incredibly rare". Rare, but not incredibly rare. I know a few men who ended up poz due to having unprotected vaginal intercourse with a poz woman - and in every case, the woman didn't know she was poz and had a high viral load. World-wide, there are more straight folks living with hiv than gay men. It happens.

Please stop beating yourself up over one mistake. All that will do is make you miserable and it won't change the reality of having hiv. You did something that most adults have done at one point or other - you had unprotected sex.

What matters now is where you go from here. Hang in there, it does get better.

[RiderMan]

Hi Ann...I had the exact same discussion with my therapist and Social Worker 2 days ago; I had vasginal sex with a female that was HIV+ (1 time, go figure).  The Social Worker said there is about a 1 in 45,000 chance of getting HIV this way (so it is rare).  The difference was that her VL was 2million (not UD). 

Strong, thanks for sharing your story. How you got it does not matter, it is how you deal with this going forward that is key. You're a young guy with a life/career ahead of you, your VL is UD and you have a gf.  That seems like a favourable situation, focus on the good things in your life and make sure to take care of your health. 

[Strong_but_weak]

It's a tough situation man, I know. My only support system is me as well. My family knows about me but I can't rely on them, they are still struggling with the reality and still think something awful will happen to my health eventually.

But you are right, we are not this virus....don't even call a disease because we are healthy (well, some of us). It's just a virus, it hardly defines us.

I'm still the same guy I've always been. I was lucky to find a great therapist years ago that helped me get rid of all my ghosts and family issues without pills. I used to have horrible bouts of depression. These days I get sad from time to time but it's just that...sadness or melancholy, nothing deeper, something that happens to all of us.

Don't let this get you down, I'm sure you are an amazing guy. Whenever a bad thought crawls in your head, try to do something you enjoy to get rid of it. Do you exercise? It helps a lot in my opinion.

I used to play soccer and flag football and workout but in Oct 2011 I destroyed 1/3 of my knee playing flag football and without insurance I've been battling the county to prove that it affects my quality of life and prevents me from working.

[mecch]

Its irrational to compare how you got HIV from unprotected sex with a person with a high viral load, to a fear that you are going to infect your girlfriend now. You are undetectable. ANd having safe sex?  Not going to happen.

Also I agree with some others - its great you have continued on to successfully complete your degree but you are CLEARLY frustrated with the amount of energy you are putting into continued I'm HIV+ turmoil and or avoidance of I'm HV+ turmoil.

Count your blessing - young, in love, and had a very easy ride of it as for HIV - a few months untreated? low viral loads, then treated, then quickly undetectable.  Right?

[Strong_but_weak]

Its irrational to compare how you got HIV from unprotected sex with a person with a high viral load, to a fear that you are going to infect your girlfriend now. You are undetectable. ANd having safe sex?  Not going to happen.

Actually since I learned I was positive in Feb 2011 I haven't had sex, and in current relationship have just kissed. I know it's an irrational way to think but it's hard to break.

Also I agree with some others - its great you have continued on to successfully complete your degree but you are CLEARLY frustrated with the amount of energy you are putting into continued I'm HIV+ turmoil and or avoidance of I'm HV+ turmoil.

And that's what brought me here, I know there are ways that energy can be directed but I just don't know them. I've been using school as something to just keep me occupied.

Count your blessing - young, in love, and had a very easy ride of it as for HIV - a few months untreated? low viral loads, then treated, then quickly undetectable.  Right?

I don't mean to come across as whiny or anything, I know that to be diagnosed 3 months after infection from the only time I ever donated blood was lucky and the same with being in a county that offers incredible help. It's just that having that much go wrong in 2 years (parent passing, HIV diagnosis, and blowing out my knee) is enough for a decade never the less 24 months.

Hopefully next month I'll learn if my knee will be getting reconstructed (which will give me back the ability to run and be active) and that will go a long way. I'm hopeful things will get better (not just in my life but the with medical advances in defeating the virus) and I just gotta keep my head up.

[mecch]

One of the questions you asked is how to avoid sabotaging a relationship out of fear.

So with your current gf, the one you are only kissing with, does she know you are HIV+? 

"Only kissing" and avoiding sex is, yes, fear.  So, what do you think is the next step if you don't want fear to run things?

[Strong_but_weak]

One of the questions you asked is how to avoid sabotaging a relationship out of fear.

So with your current gf, the one you are only kissing with, does she know you are HIV+? 

"Only kissing" and avoiding sex is, yes, fear.  So, what do you think is the next step if you don't want fear to run things?

Yes she knows, and it was about a month after telling her that we officially started dating. I've left anything physical up to her because I don't want to feel like I'm pressuring her into anything.

[mecch]

I don't know your sexual needs nor hers.  But eventually one or both of you is going to want more than kissing. Sounds like a conversation is in order and either or both of you need to assess risk and fear and find your way through that.
Safe sex protects from HIV transmission.  Factor in being undetectable and voila. 

[Common_ground]

You're a living example that HIV can be passed from a female to male through sex.  Just the other day someone on here said that a male would be more likely to win 3 big lottery jackpots before they would get HIV from a female.     I'm guessing you'd disagree with that assumption!

Your realization that you just needed to move on is something I think a lot of people have a hard time getting too.  It's good to see that you were able to get to that point, and then use HIV as a way to improve your life.  Good job.

Just wanted to chime in and tell that I also was infected female to male, insertive vaginal sex. Around here its seems to be more frequent than in the west althou noone never asked me how I got HIV so not sure how they can say that but there has been some studies pointing to certain strains being more common in female to male transmission, at least if memory serves me right thats what I read, anyone
care to eloborate or knows more?

However, In the end it doesnt really matter, we share the same virus.

[mewithu]

Hi , You are doing the right thing by going getting tested dealt with it and are getting the help you need . the possibility of you getting sick like some of us older AIDS victims you probably will never have that in your vocabulary . That meaning as long as you keep up with your Dr and meds you will probably never get sick from any opportunistic infection, that is what really detroys your immune system where yours is not even close to at this period in time and may never be .  So, Live your life to the fullest and be happy my new friend .

[Strong_but_weak]

I'm wanting to see the help of a therapist but the ones at my school have never dealt with HIV and haven't been much help is there anyway to find someone who might be better qualified?

[Ann]

I'm wanting to see the help of a therapist but the ones at my school have never dealt with HIV and haven't been much help is there anyway to find someone who might be better qualified?

You can look for an ASO (aids service organisation) near you on the Health Services Directory. Use the "Directory Search", not the "Quick Search".

To select more than one type of service in the drop-down list, hold Ctrl while you select.

Many ASOs will either have an in-house counselor, or have a list or an idea of who in the area can provide the service you need. 

Alternatively, ask your hiv doctor for a referral. Or try both.

[mecch]

What Ann said. Also, have a dialogue with the therapist supplied by your college's health services, and tell them that you need more specific help and can they outsource to meet your need. If the therapists can't do that, make a final effort and ask the same question of the director of Health Services or some sort of dean who is responsible for this staff.  They will keep the info in confidence and, depending on the universities resources, may be able to find a solution under their financing umbrella.  The squeaky wheel gets the grease.  They might be interested, professionally, in coming up to snuff on mental health and HIV. 

[coreFighter]

Congrats on finding someone that wants to date and put up with all this crazy !!!! I know, I deal with the fear of infecting others all the time. I play safe, try not to hook-up and really want to date. I'm back in the dating game and it's been tricky, to say the least.

So focus on the good. not the bad. I know it's hard to do, but it's the most important thing you can do and I'm working on that every day.

[Strong_but_weak]

Congrats on finding someone that wants to date and put up with all this crazy !!!! I know, I deal with the fear of infecting others all the time. I play safe, try not to hook-up and really want to date. I'm back in the dating game and it's been tricky, to say the least.

So focus on the good. not the bad. I know it's hard to do, but it's the most important thing you can do and I'm working on that every day.

Well so much for that, she dumped me on Thursday last week and it just sucks. At 26 that was the second girlfriend I've ever had, my social skills suck so I'm just gonna go back under my dating rock.

The pain in my knee has gotten worse (15 months medial meniscus complete tear along with torn ACL, I'm certified as a personal trainer but can't work because I can't be on my feet long without pain or show how to do a movement, no insurance and I don't have 59,000 laying around for surgery so I'm hoping in 2 weeks the county I live in will tell me if they will cover the cost or not, and if they don't I'm contemplating leaving grad school because continuing a degree that I can't do anything with because of my knee isn't the smartest thing.

IDK I just feel depressed over failed relationship, knee, rising weight, increasing LDL levels and the fact I just can't do anything is weighing on me.

[Anqueetas]

One of the questions you asked is how to avoid sabotaging a relationship out of fear.

So with your current gf, the one you are only kissing with, does she know you are HIV+? 

"Only kissing" and avoiding sex is, yes, fear.  So, what do you think is the next step if you don't want fear to run things?

I would like to know the answer to these question as well. The fear of disclosure, or when disclose people react badly and cause so much problem in my life(Two of whom I though was my best friend, reacted badly and eventually I decided to stop seeing them anymore). I also recently damage a friendship that might develop into something more because of fear, I practically kill the romantic feeling between us.