Tested Poz 2 Days Ago and feel OK. So far...

[djayp]

Hello -

I just tested poz this week on May 26th and was devastated. I still am. I am only 25 years old and feel like all of my dreams and hopes for this life are done, gone, finished. I'm from a very Christian family who can't handle me being gay in the first place so telling them about my disease is out of the question. I don't want to tell any friends because most of them are straight and will probably never get past the stigmatism HIV comes with and not even sure if my gay friends will even be supportive. I felt so alone, and that's what I am most afraid of. Not really the disease itself or the lifestyle changes, what I'm afraid of most is having to do this on my own. Yes, it is my disease but going through this alone without any friends or any type of 'normalcy' in my life is what scares me.

So I am reaching out here and trying to use this forum as maybe some sort of therapy. I feel like the more I talk about it the more I come to terms with the reality that this is a part of me now. It's not ME or who I am, but it's a part of me now. And that's how I try to view it (on good days at least). I feel OK right now, a little emotionally disconnected but OK.

I currently have a boyfriend of a little over 3 years and I was only with him this entire time and I love him. A lot. The day after I found out I was poz I went to his place and told him, crying and expecting to lose him and a ton of friends (we have a lot of the same friends). I told him if this is the end of everything all I wanted to do before we split was to at least take him to get tested and make sure he's neg. I love him so much just leaving and not telling him about it wasn't an option. He had to know.

So we went to get him tested and thank goodness he's neg. He was so supportive it really shocked me. He held me and told me he was so sorry to hear the bad news and that everything will be OK. Best of all he told me he still loves me for ME, not my status. After he got tested we went to our local GLBT center and I talked to a counselor - it was my first time ever being in one of these centers and I immediately felt calmer. While I was in the room talking for almost an hour I come out to the lobby to see my man checking out a book from their library. The book is about living healthy with HIV/AIDS. He borrowed the book so we both can be educated about this disease and know how to keep my life healthy with it. Kind of an oxymoron I guess - a healthy life with HIV? It's hard to believe, but the more reading I do the more I understand that it is possible.

I am so grateful for him but I can't help but feel like a monster. I've been with him this long and we've had sex many times (safe sex thankfully) and how could I have not known? Or ever get tested? How could I put him at such a risk? If I got this from my ex, is it possible to go over 3 years w/o symptoms? I never get sick, I never get colds, or even the flu. And even if I do get the flu or something 99% of the time it's just a 24hr thing. I guess my immune system is OK for now? I can only think of another incident when I may have got this - I was in Thailand for a month last Sept-Oct and was trying to climb these really jagged and sharp rocks with a bunch of strangers to get to this awesome beach. The rocks were so sharp it cut all of our feet up and blood was everywhere. I didn't think much of it but I know it can be transmitted through blood & open wounds. So I don't know if I've had this for over 3 years or just under a year.

I have so many questions and am so scared. I'm scared of the medication side effects, I'm scared of having to live this sort of 'lie' by not telling people about it, and like I mentioned before I'm most of all scared of being alone. I'm also scared about paying for this and all the insurance stuff. Does this count as a pre-existing condition if I changed jobs/insurance? Is there any government aid if I can't pay for my meds? What is my T-Cell count? And what is my VL? I want to know it all now. I have a lot of research to do and I know my man seems OK but who know how he'll feel in a couple days or months or whatever. But I told him I want him to be honest with me and if this is just too weird for him or too much to handle that he please just let me know right away. I don't want him hanging around just because he feels obligated or bad. But he said he still loves me so I'll take that for now and just keep going one day at a time. I can only hope that we can at least stay good friends if this ends up dissolving our relationship.

one day at a time.

thanks for letting me ramble.

[Assurbanipal]

Welcome to the forums djayp. Glad you have found your way here, although I'm sorry about the reason you are joining the group .

When people are first dealing with HIV it seems there are so many questions. This site has a really nicely organized set of lessons. Have you found them yet? They are under the treatment tab or just click here:
http://www.aidsmeds.com/list.shtml

But to answer at least a couple of your questions:
 - yes you can be poz without symptoms for a while
- you don't catch HIV by stepping on a rock, even a bloody one
- the horror stories about the meds are largely creatures of the past -- as time goes by new meds come in and knowledge about the right doses has improved a lot.  You may not even need meds for a while -- your particular
needs will be something you should talk over with your doctor.

So try not to stress out to much while you learn more about your new "condition"

Be well
Assurbanipal

[jayjax]

djay,

Sorry to hear about your diagnosis.  You have found the right place and please do not feel as you are all alone or place blame on yourself. Use this site as much as you can and read the various topics which will answer many of your questions. Above all, ask questions. Later one you will be sharing your experiences and providing similar advice.

You have a terrific support group here and we've all been where you are right now.  Ask all the questions you have!  You may find that many have already asked similar questions if you run some searches. You probably have local support groups in your area that you might want to look into.

Most of all, time is a healer.  Also, the drugs now days are much safer and you can expect to live a normal healthy life if you live a healthy life style.   I was in the same situation as yourself a  couple of years ago --  Scared out of my wits and not knowing where to turn -- but I found the support I need right here early on.

Keep in touch! If you need to reach out and need to PM anyone, we're all here for you.

Jayjax

[WhySoUnfair]

you can expect to live a normal healthy life if you live a healthy life style.   

In 1998, the High Court stated that people infected with HIV were entitled to protection under the ADA (Americans with Disabilities Act) regardless of their symptoms or lack of symptoms. Thus, HIV is a disability.

May I please know how do u define "healthy"? r ppl wif disabilities healthy? ......

[djayp]

Thanks everyone, really appreciate the replies & comments. It's so amazing having a place where I can speak openly with people who are going through the same situation.

I am just taking everything one day at a time. At times I feel like I need to even take it down to a few hours at at a time. But first and foremost I am learning everything I can about my/our disease and focusing on my mental health. Seems like those are the important things to sort out before making any drastic decisions. This site has so much information and I am so grateful.

Sometimes just googling this disease is sort of scary, but several counselors had advised me not to do that and to take info from forums like this and counselors/real people who have and are going through this. Which I find a lot more comforting than old and sometimes rather outdated info.

I still have so many questions and I still haven't heard  back from the specialist my dr supposedly referred me to. I want him to get back to me asap because I want to learn what kind strand I have, my VL, etc. The stress is killing me!


P.S. how do you PM someone? I don't think I have that option? I tried looking in the help section but wasn't much help. Whyso, I got your PM and want to reply to you!

[Miss Philicia]

P.S. how do you PM someone? I don't think I have that option? I tried looking in the help section but wasn't much help. Whyso, I got your PM and want to reply to you!

this function isn't activated until a member has made three posts on the forum

[djayp]

ahh got it - thanks, Miss Philicia I knew it would be something like that

[stratosphere]

Djay,  hello and welcome.  Please understand that you are not a monster,  just need to take better care of yourself from now on and have a heightened sense of awareness about all things:  your body.  This isn't to say you should run to the doctor every time you sneeze or get a headache,  just pay better attention to things,  as well as eat healthier and also if you have some of those "bad habits" now might be a good time to try and get rid of them if you can.  By that i mean smoking,  drugs,  drinking,  etc.  Don't get me wrong,  i still indulge in a beer or two once in a while but nothing like my wild past. 

Get yourself with a good Dr. that you can trust to listen to you,  talk to you in a frank manner,  and examine you thoroughly.  You should know that you did nothing wrong,  just made a mistake like the rest of us.  While your body has the burden of the bug,  your soul now has the gift of enlightenment.  You can live each day knowing what it is like to walk on the edge of something tall and dangerous and peer over to see the view. 

And what i hope you see is that every day is precious,  each one more so than the last.  I'm so happy that you have a wonderful & understanding partner with whom you can travel through this journey called life.  I am like you in that respect,  i have a very loving and awesome partner and i know 100% that i am happier today with my partner than i ever was alone.  Even though before i met him i didn't know i was poz,  so i didn't have the benefit of knowing the cards in life's deck.  Now i do.  I know the road ahead could be tough but im just grateful to be on that road,  and kicking up sand and dust everywhere i go. 

I think as you go you will realize that there is so much more to your life than a virus.  It will change things about you,  but it wont change you unless you let it.  Make no mistake because its not going to necessarily be easy...beating the virus and living healthy....but it will be worth it. 

And not to be morbid,  but we are all going to die eventually.  Please take the best care of yourself and your partner so that day will be so far off in the future that you will be thankful to have grown old and loved life and the people you have met along the way. 

[hotpuppy]

I would add that in looking at your CD4 count you have probably had HIV for more than a year.... 3 wouldn't be out of the question.  It's difficult to say because each person handles the disease a little differently.

It's very good of you to care deeply for others.  However, don't forget to take care of yourself.  Hopefully your partner will adjust and continue the relationship with you.  If your family really follows the scripture they will love you regardless of the challenges that God places in their path.    I don't agree with somethings in religion, but I do agree that God doesn't make mistakes and that we are born Gay.  Each thing we face is a challenge that helps us to be a better person, it's up to us to accept those challenges and overcome them, or to ignore them and suffer.

[djayp]

Thanks for the kind words hotpuppy & stratosphere, much appreciated.

I was terrified by my CD4 number, especially since it's so close to an AIDS diagnosis... And I had concluded I must have been infected right before I met my current boyfriend. When my Dr. And I discussed these numbers he didn't seem worried at all. I really wonder if Dr.'s just act like everything is OK or if it all really is OK.but I get my strain results any day now and will have the privilege of knowing what meds I will be starting.

Just still taking everything 1 day at a time , eating healthier, working out a lot more, and most importantly, reading a lot about our disease.  All while clinging onto my boyfriend and hoping he gets as used to this as I already have. If anything, this disease has brought me more ambition and strive to live. I am planning on participating in a triathalon soon and thinking of other things to keep my mind busy & body healthy. I am anticipating on things getting easier & better. Hopefullly.

[ruralguy]

Welcome to the Forum.  You'll find lots of help and support here.  You have good things going for you...

- you're NOT alone but have a great bf who's being good to you
- and you're got the body to do a triathalon!!!!   go boy!!

A supportive partner and great physical condition are two great points of strength for you.  Don't spend any emotional energy thinking about telling other people now.  You still don't have a lot of info and need time to process what's happening.  Getting through the early medical stuff is what is in front of you.  Be assured the meds work well and are not a hassle at all.

Do something nice for the two of you....go buy and ice cream or go for a walk or whatever your simple pleasure is.  I understand how you feel (I'm only 1yr into this) but the feelings will lessen and life will return to normal. 

Always feel free to come here and throw a question to this group.  You'll get a the best info the people here have to offer.

[djayp]

Thanks ruralguy - I am lucky to have my bf and even more lucky to have this forum. We just took a long needed weekend away and it was amazing to finally be able to spend some time just the two of us since my diagnosis...

But I did get my strain results this week and showed no restiance to any medications - something I was glad to hear. So I see the Doc nex week to determine which meds I will be starting. I haven't done a ton of research on the latest meds but I'm hoping to get Atripla just because it seems like the easy 1 a day way to go. But I'm sure the Doc will know to prescribe.  But it looks like it works amazingly - congrats on reaching undetecable so quickly by the way

Take care

[max123]

Thanks ruralguy - I am lucky to have my bf and even more lucky to have this forum. We just took a long needed weekend away and it was amazing to finally be able to spend some time just the two of us since my diagnosis...

But I did get my strain results this week and showed no restiance to any medications - something I was glad to hear. So I see the Doc nex week to determine which meds I will be starting. I haven't done a ton of research on the latest meds but I'm hoping to get Atripla just because it seems like the easy 1 a day way to go. But I'm sure the Doc will know to prescribe.  But it looks like it works amazingly - congrats on reaching undetecable so quickly by the way

Take care

that's great news about your resistance testing & the weekend getaway...sounds like you're on your way