Not sure how to deal...

[cuquenan]

Hi everyone. New on here and need some guidance.

I went through a rough period in my life that lasted a few years and ended last summer. I was fresh out of college, no job, depressed, suicidal, and I started heavily drinking and doing coke. I also started having unprotected sex. It would only be with guys I knew for a while, never with strangers or anything.

Anyway, things finally started getting better with my life and I started dealing with the issues that were holding me back. I stopped drinking, doing drugs and got a good job. I once again started using condoms ALL the time.

Then I got sick. The first three days, it was just a small cold. I could still go to work, still felt good, and didn't take any cold medication. On the fourth day, I went out drinking with friends thinking the cold would be over. When I got home that night, I felt really bad and went to bed. Woke up seriously sweating and still felt bad. The fifth day, I was really sick. I was sweating ALOT, had a fever that would go up and down all day long, I had diarrhea and vomitted a bit. I was really tired and started taking Nyquil. The sixth day, was also bad but better than the previous day. I was going to do to a DR on the seventh day but then I quickly recovered. I never missed work and didn't lose weight. After all the symptoms went away, I then had a mild rash that lasted a day. I put rash lotion on it and it quickly went away. It lasted 7 days. The first three days were very mild, the next three, i was knocked out, and the last day, I felt good again.

A month later, I tested positive for chlamydia and was treated. During my bad time, I had raw sex with four guys and I contacted them after I turned pos for chlamydia. They all assured me they went and got tested for everything and were still hiv neg. Ever since (last Sept), I've been terrified about getting tested for hiv though. I have no one to really talk to about it, and I am afraid that I'll become severely depressed like I was before. I just don't want to feel that horrible again and am afraid a pos result will put me back in that dark place.

Ever since, I haven't been sick or anything. The flu is going around now, and my roomate had it as well as some co-workers, but I've been perfectly fine despite not having had a flu shot (I never do). While I've been fine physically, mentally I think about it everyday yet I'm deathly afraid of finding out for sure.

Not sure what I'm looking for on here but I'm tired of always thinking about this and keeping it all in. I know the answer is to go tested but I'm not sure I'm mentally prepared to deal with a pos result, and I've been very healthy despite that one week.

Thanks in advance for any advice.

[jkinatl2]

I am sorry you are worried about your health. Of course the only thing you CAN do is to go get a complete STD panel done, including an HIV test.

As unprepared as you feel you might be for an HIV diagnosis, you would be pretty floored by a diagnosis of AIDS while in the hospital nearly dead from an easily preventable opportunistic infection. Plus, worst family reunion ever.

Gotta do it, dude. Not trying to be harsh, but you owe it to yourself= and your future self.

I've had HIV for 20 years. Doing great. Going whitewater rafting and ziplining in the spring. More stuff to do than there are hours in the day to do it.

Life is way too fun to spend it worrying over something that's totally in your power, like knowing your status. You have overcome a lot of stuff in your life. You can do this.