I was just told I am poz. I am sooooo lonely.

[shadoos]

   Hello I was just tested poz a few weeks ago.  I am a young single mother.  I was in a pretty rough relationship.  I found out cause I was sick and wasn't getting any better.  Now thankfully I feel alittle better physically.  But everyday is different.  I don't feel my body is adjusting to this well.  I normally get sick alot.  I know everyone keeps telling me this is not a death sentence but I can't help but feel differently.  I told my immediate family and a few friends.  I made sure my ex knows.  I have such mixed feelings about him.  He put me through alot.  But this tops the cake.  Why me?  I was faithful.  I was not an iv drug user.  This is what I get for loving someone?  Sometimes I feel like I cant do this.  I don't want people to know this is how I died or I even have it.  I just feel so lonely.  I wish I had someone I could cry to.  The only thing I am thankfull for is my child doesn't have it.  Thank GOD!  I tried to go to a support group.  It definitely wasn't for me.  I didn't feel like I fit in at all.  I don't know where else to turn to.

[BT65]

Shadoos, welcome to the forums.

What you're going through emotionally is normal.  I asked myself "why me" when I tested positive in 1989 also.  But, it happens.  Just because someone's faithful in a relationship or not an IV drug user never guarantees exemption from anything in life.  It's really fortunate you have your family; many people don't.

I was a single mother also; my ex died three days after I found out I was positive.  My daughter was negative also and I was so relieved.  Back then, there wasn't treatment like there is today.  That's one thing you can take solace in is that today you probably will die from old age etc., rather than dying young from HIV.   

It will take your body time to adjust to the new "bug."  Have you seen a doctor yet?  If so, I'm sure you've had initial labs.  Don't get worried if your counts aren't the best.  Numbers can be all over the place for awhile, while, again, the body is adjusting.  It will get better though.

I encourage you to check out the "positive women" forum.  There are many women there you can draw strength from.  In particular, check out the dating thread.  It's not all about dating; it's where we women talk about our daily lives, struggles, and support each other.  There are a lot of strong women on this forum.  I think you'll like us.

Again, welcome, take a breath and try to relax. 
  Luv,
Betty

[sprockett9]

Shadoos,

Breathe -- everytime you start to panic, just stop, clear your head and breathe... or as another person here stated the cardinal truth -- "you have this bug but it doesn't have you!"  Yeah, life is sucking right now but it will get better!!!  Alos remember that you have a beautiful child at home that needs to have there mom there for a very long time...

Take time for yourself -- you will come to terms naturally with your situation but seek help as you need it as you aren't alone.  I have read many of Betty's posts here and she is an amazingly strong woman and represents a group of both men and women that are here to help you.  I also went to a couple groups but they didn't work for me either so I understand that too...

On the "bad" relationship -- regardless of your status, being out of a bad and/or abusive relationship is a very good thing.  Take the time to find yourself, LOVE yourself and eventually a good person will come along. 

Good luck and head up!

D

[bleueyes]

I just came on this forum today. I actually became pregnant with my daughter after being diagnosed. My fiance and I were going to get married on my eighteenth birthday. Instead I was tested after finding symptoms. I found out two days before my eighteenth birthday. We never married, tried to work on it and this is where my daughter comes in! My daughter is negative.
Sorry I can not give some great advice!
My Mother went to my appointments with me at first. My brother was at my side as much as possible.
If your family is accepting, then you can also rely on what they have to offer.
If you're on here talking to people you already made a good decision.
 

[Peter Staley]

shadoos -- you're not alone!  You've just found a very supportive online community of people LIVING with HIV.  I know it's hard right now, but things will get better, with time.

My name is Peter, and I founded this site eight years ago.  I found out I was HIV+ in 1985 -- 23 years ago!  Frankly, I'm more worried about Alzheimer's than I am about HIV these days, LOL.

Do you have a good doctor to rely on right now?

Peter

[27years]

Welcome to the forums, you are at the right place for support.  Most of us we have been through the process of batling with ourselves trying to figure out what went wrong, its just a phase which will pass.  Its ok to feel hurt and upset and cry if you like but what i can say is things get better with time.  Get as much information as you can on the virus and you will find that you can happily live with it within you.  You have your daughter to cherish and your family to look upon to.  Don't forget we are here anytime.  Focus on the future rather than the past, whatever happened you will get over it and move on.  Hope to welcome you in the women's forums.

[shadoos]

Everyone tries to make this sound so easy and like you can just go on with your life.  Well I cant!  How will I ever be in a relationship again.  What happens when I get really sick and end up in a hospital?  Who will watch my baby?  You may all have alot of support.  Well I don't.  I do everything on my own.  I don't know how I will survive this.  I am not trying to be nasty to any of you.  But maybe everyone can't cope with the changes.

[aliveinla]

Hope you can cheer up. I am not straight but let me try to address some of your questions:

How will I ever be in a relationship again.

Just use protection with neg partner. Many people find meaningful relationship after being poz. My bf is neg and we are still together.

What happens when I get really sick and end up in a hospital?  Who will watch my baby?

If you take good care of yourself, this shouldn't happen with modern medication.

I do everything on my own.

   I solute you, but it's nice sometimes to have a shoulder to cry on.

[darwin]

Everyone tries to make this sound so easy

I am 12 days into my diagnosis, and I understand what you mean here.  "You'll be fine", "you're just in *that* early stage of accepting your new status", "sure you'll love again".  A lot of this is empty to me, because it doesn't understand that I don't want to "be fine" in this new way, because that means something has changed.  I don't want to "love again", because that would mean that something about my love is different now than from 12 days ago.

I think many of the words of comfort are foreign and weird and non-comforting - because 12 days ago, I didn't need any of them!  But yet I still ask for them, and I still eat them all up, because deep down I know that things have changed, that I am poz, and that my life will "go on" whereas two weeks ago I didn't need to think about "going on".

I don't know if this helps or not.  All I know is that these forums are helping me, even if I can't understand what they're saying, I know that they are speaking the truth.  And the truth spoken by the people here is more comforting then my lonely nights.  So I stay.

I am thinking of you, shadoos, my poz sister.  We were both diagnosed at the beginning of spring 2008 - I'm so happy I am not alone in this, that you are out there somewhere with me.   Keep posting here because I'd love to hear from you.

[BT65]

Everyone tries to make this sound so easy and like you can just go on with your life.  Well I cant! 

Well, you either do or you die.

How will I ever be in a relationship again.  .

Why are you worried about this right now?

What happens when I get really sick and end up in a hospital?  Who will watch my baby?  

Again, why are you worrying about this right now?  Slow down.

You may all have alot of support.  Well I don't.  I do everything on my own.  

I get my support right here-these forums.

I don't know how I will survive this.  

By taking things a day at a time, a step at a time, like the rest of us.

You're worrying about things that might not ever happen.  You're concentrating on all the "what-ifs" right now, and while that may be somewhat normal at first, you've got to slow down and take care of the things at hand.  Find a good doctor, get your labs, see where you're at over a few sets of labs, etc. 

I would strongly encourage you to contact your local ASO (Aids Service Organization).  They can help you walk through this difficult time, put you in touch with a good therapist, which I think you might do well to have, and if there's ever any government assistance you need, they can help you with the endless paperwork (which a lot of us have to do).

Like I told you, I was a single mother when I was diagnosed, back in 1989, when things were quite a bit tougher than what they are today.  There was no ADAP, Ryan White, there wasn't the medications that have been developed (which enable people to live normal, long lives), there were no support groups etc. 

I'm not trying to sound cruel, heartless or anything of that nature.  I just want you to realize you're living in better times than previously.  You need to stop with the "poor me" (which I understand is normal at first) and get on with your life.  There's no reason you can't have a normal life.  Just don't take everything all at once, especially things that might not ever happen.  The future is out of all of our hands.  The present is the only thing we have any kind of control over. 

A lot of us have been dealing with HIV for years and years. There's no reason you can't as well.
  Sincerely,
Betty

[Florida69]

Everyone tries to make this sound so easy and like you can just go on with your life.  Well I cant!  How will I ever be in a relationship again.  What happens when I get really sick and end up in a hospital?  Who will watch my baby?  You may all have alot of support.  Well I don't.  I do everything on my own.  I don't know how I will survive this.  I am not trying to be nasty to any of you.  But maybe everyone can't cope with the changes.

Nobody said it was easy, but it is manageable.  Unfortunately, you have to deal with the diagnosis, we have all been where you are, not the exact circumstances, but just finding out we are positive and being angry at everything and everyone.  My advice is to let it out.  Your life has changed, but life goes on, you still have a family to care for.  You have a opportunity to watch your child grow up, but you have to take care of yourself. Some of us do not have any support other than the forums, and we will be here for you too.  It is great that you are independent, but many here in this forum are very proficient on HIV, and perhaps some can help educate you and answer the questions that you have. You will survive, and remember the one thing in life that is constant is change.  Children grow, trees turn green then brown, we age.  Good luck to you, and I hope you are able to find the support that you need here.  Take care, D

[Dragonette]

Hi Shadoos,

This sure brings back flashbacks of my diagnosis. I also was isolated b/c I dont live in my country and dont have many friends of much of a legal status where I lived. The strongest connection I had was a guy I dated and he ran as fast as he could. It was awful, and I thought about suicide daily. I got into treatment at the local hospital and a couple months later the social worker told me that I could have a relationship again, but I totally didn't beleive it. After all I had bad relationships my whole life and I don't have the highest self esteem because I am very far from perfect. Why would I get lucky after being diagnosed as poz when I was so unlucky before? My health was bad too I had less than 100 CD4s and was really at risk of AIDS (thankfully I didn't fully get that at the time).

Well now 2 years later life is not a bed of roses but I am engaged and doing pretty good healthwise and life just carried on. I really at the time felt if anybody "made it" with HIV, that it has nothing to do with me, that my lot in life and my circumstances were exceptional and doomed, that I was a lost cause, seriously if not for my parents I would have killed myself. Life was agony and waking up (if I lucked out to get some sleep) was when the real nightmare begun....

I am still wierd and don't really fit in and  my life is not conventional (not in the adventerous glamorous sense at all, just in the pain in the butt, lack of security way). But I am here, still standing and doing pretty good by my own standards. Though it may look utterly, hopelessly impossible for you right now to get back on track it can happen, it does happen. No fake promises but you can pull through. Sorry for the devastation caused by your husband, I haven't been thru that so I won't pretend to know about the anger and hurt there. But many women on here have been thru that, and also serious abuse, and are shining thru. So just take it one day at a time, there's no other option is there really? and some days will be awful and other days will be better and slowly slowly you will get better. I really beleive it.

Hope to see ya on the women's, take good care

[dusty99]

Everyone here knows how you feel, I too am one of the more recent people to get diagnosed. While you may feel that many people on here might be a bit jaded by their comments, I am sure they can remember with much clarity how they felt when they found out. I am certain that they even felt just like you. I know that I did, I viewed this as a death sentence. I have found that to be a false assumption after reading the many posts here and other sites. I have even gotten a few PM's from people giving me support in dealing with my life. You will survive, the loneliness will come and go, at least for the next month or so, I have only been diagnosed since March. I do still feel isolated and alone. I do have a good support here and where I live. I did have to create that though, by reaching out and asking for help. I had people make me feel much better. It WILL get better. Get a local support group for yourself by whatever means you can. Whether it be an actual physical support group in your city, a church, whatever you can.

I know you feel that things will not get better but they will. I know that they have for me, but it will take time for everything to fall into place. I found out 2 weeks before making a life changing move. I was numb for about 3 weeks, I thought many of the same things you did, except about what to do with your child if you get sick. It will work out. You ARE stronger than you believe. If you weren't you wouldn't have reached out to this board. There is a lot of pain to deal with, we all know this, I am still very ignorant to a lot about this life changing issue(I know less about HIV than I thought I did), although, it hasn't changed as much as I thought that it would, you will find this to be the case as well.

As for a relationship, I wouldn't worry too much about it for now. Deal with your emotions and situation as it exists. It wouldn't be fair to the other person or yourself to try to find a relationship at this point, besides, when you aren't looking they usually turn up, even though I understand that it is a hard thing to do. I have found people that have made me feel that all was not lost when it came to being HIV and a chance at romance. I haven't become involved with anyone yet, but there have been people that did show me that it isn't over, and this all happened within a short period after diagnosis. IT WILL GET BETTER FOR YOU! WE PROMISE!

[dingowarrior]

Everyone tries to make this sound so easy and like you can just go on with your life.  Well I cant!  How will I ever be in a relationship again.  What happens when I get really sick and end up in a hospital?  Who will watch my baby?  You may all have alot of support.  Well I don't.  I do everything on my own.  I don't know how I will survive this.  I am not trying to be nasty to any of you.  But maybe everyone can't cope with the changes.

OK,
I'm going to get right to the point here. Please dont think I'm insensitive,because I very much am.
There is nothing anyone can say that is going to completely turn off all your fears and anxieties at this moment.
This is going to be a rough time for you emotionally. I kinda compare it to someone you really love and care about dying. Its a hell of a thing to digest and except.
But you have someone in your life who is depending on you.Your child. That right there superceeds anything you are feeling. Now I'm NOT saying,you are not in-titled to have these emotions, you are indeed.And I'm NOT by any means belittling what your going thru. I've been there myself.
But you HAVE to reach deep inside yourself for your babies sake.
There simply is no other way. That child of your is looking to you for strength and guidance, you MUST rise above this card you have been dealt,and stay strong for your child.
There is no reason,without medical attention (IE) an INFECTIOUS DISEASE DOCTOR  that you cant stay healthy.
You must except that this is now your life,but you wont let it control you, you will control it.In this day of modern meds,this is doable,as many here are living proof.
As far as a relationship goes,like its been said, don't concern yourself with that now. You have enough on your mental plate to deal with,let alone trying to get to know somebody and dealing with their hang ups,and believe me we all have them.
Focus on yourself and your baby,take the advice of your doctor,and you'll find,time will heel your mental wounds.
I promise,you will find if you listen to the advice of people here who have already traveled the road your on right now,and listen to your doctor,that the toughest thing about this virus is mentally,not so much physically.
Stay strong,keep your head up,hug your baby and you'll make it to a safer ,calmer place before you know it.

Dingowarrior.