Why do we keep doing this!!!

[HIV? poz about being neg]

Every day I wake up and shove supplements down my throat, each week finding the new "miracle supplement" adding it to the last dozen. I think I'm taking about 50 some now and hoping this time they are the right ones. Each month going in for new blood test counting my CD4's and my viral load and then spending the next week praying that this will be the week they tell me they made a mistake. Its been one year...and it hurts I just keep thinking about everything I'm losing.
I have faith in God, I'm a good person and I can't understand why someone would have given this to me.
I do realise I am just as much to blame in this...but how can we as human beings do this to another person. How does that person sleep at night?
I was suppose to be invincible. Now I feel like I'm falling apart. Watching my number decline never really reading any miracles on here what happend to "we are so close to a cure" and all these people we keep hearing about who had HIV and now its gone?
All this bulll all this garbage.. Take selenium dont take it take ECGC and then nope thats no good.. seriously lets get some facts here. Lets truly get to the bottom of these stories is it true or what? Did the guys cure it or what!! 
Did God truly say he does not give us what we can not handle...because I can't.
And damn it if there is something and we can fix this I really need this right now. Please.

[DanielMark]

Every day I wake up and shove supplements down my throat, each week finding the new "miracle supplement" adding it to the last dozen. I think I'm taking about 50 some now and hoping this time they are the right ones. Each month going in for new blood test counting my CD4's and my viral load and then spending the next week praying that this will be the week they tell me they made a mistake. Its been one year...and it hurts I just keep thinking about everything I'm losing.

Hi there,

Scanning the forums this morning, your post kind of jumped out at me. Specifically that you seem to be struggling a lot. Acceptance (of anything) isn't something someone can give you, but if you can find a path toward that I believe you will be doing yourself a major favour.

If you dwell a lot on what you think you're losing you are sure to feel miserable. Having HIV in your body isn't the end of the world. I've been living with it for more than 19 years now and living a reasonably satisfying life at the same time so I know that it is possible. Naturally I have some regrets, but we can never go back and change the choices we made. Focusing on them is nothing but a waste of time and energy.

I don't give advice but I would suggest you try to keep things in perspective instead of punishing yourself this way. It won't change a thing.

Daniel

[milker]

No supplement will cure you from HIV.

You should put all of them on your table, and look for the ones that you know are GOOD for you, not because they're going to keep the VL down or the CD4 up, but because they are good for your body. Overdosing on supplements is not good for your body nor it is for your mind.

Stop step back, look at all those bottles, keep the 3 or 4 that will make you sleep well and feel good during the day. And you'll save a lot of $$ too ! Replace them with fruits! Veggies! And forget the "you would need 300 broccolis to replace this magic pill". You don't need 300 broccolis in your diet.

Also, I agree with Daniel, you need to get this condition sink in. You haven't just tested poz, you have been HIV positive for a year now. It's part of your life, make it part of your life, don't make it control to your life.

Milker.

[minismom]

You say you never hear any miracles on here.  I have a 7 1/2yr old daughter who was born HIV+.  Here is a short list of her miracles:
1. We were told she would never walk - she's walking, running, dancing, and can now roll on her Heelys.
2. We were told she would never talk - Boy, oh boy!  Believe me, she never shuts up!
3. We were told that it would be lucky if she was anything other than a vegitable - go read her thread in "Off Topics" - a vegitable she's not.
4. We were told not to bond with her because she was going to die - her virus has been undetectable for 5 1/2 years.  She'll outlive us all.

Her life has not been easy.  She's never known a day in her life that she wasn't sick.  She's never known a day in her life that she wasn't on meds.  This virus and the meds have wreaked havoc on her little body and her brain.  But, you know what? Try telling her that.  She'll tell you that you're crazy.  She'll tell you that she's like everyone here (on this site) and that there's nothing wrong with her.

 Every day she wakes up is a miracle.  Every blood test that shows an undetectable viral load is a miracle.  Every dance move that's she's able to remember is a miracle.  Every word she says, every complaint, every laugh, every tear is a miracle because she is HERE.  And, you are here. Miracles occur everyday.  Our job is to recognize them.  We will keep you in our prayers.

Mum

[scud44]

Mini puts everything into perspective for all of us - she is our little Angel and Minismom is the best mom in the world because she keeps reminding us of Mini's life.

Everyone should keep Mini in their thoughts all day - then, believe me - you won't have any real problems

Regards
Scuddles

[sacinsc]

WOW, you sound a lot like me a couple months ago. My conclusions you may or may not like but...first, supplements and vitamins didn't do CRAP. My number fell like a cheap hooker on a dollar. So after spending all that money, and taking all those stupid pills morning and night I tossed them aside. Two my faith in a caring god....gone. I had always questioned religion, because I am historian and teach history and civics. But any faith in a god that looks after us is gone. I am more a spiritual person that believes there is a higher power out there, but that it really does not either know its created us or doesn't care. I am still figuring all that out, but I know that I no longer fit into any mainstream religion nor do I attempt to locate one of the ermm oddball ones. Is there a cure, not yet. Do hope there will be one , yes. Do I think there will be one, not any time soon. Drug companies make to much off just keeping us alive than creating a cure. So I take my pills, and look at myself in the mirror and wish I didn't have it. I blame myself for catching it, but would still punch the asshole that gave it to me (luckily for him he has stayed will outta my sight  line).

Thinking is what we all do,  coming to conclusions is what we try to do. Will we ever get the conclusions we like? I really couldn't tell you... I haven't yet.

Matt