Would they have called to notify me already?

[Matty the Damned]

Hey guys,
I don't have any updates, and excuse my complaining/venting...
But I'm really having a hard time waiting for my next test. I wanted to test as soon as I got back to school from spring break next week, but I have SO MUCH to do next week that I'm afraid to get the positive result and screw up a bunch of big projects/school assignments, because I know I'll need to be out for atleast a day or two....

After my initial negative rapidtest (2-3 weeks past last risky incident) I felt so elated, hopeful....now that I'm nearing my next test, I'm having a hard time not being terrified of what my results will be.

Any time I have any physical ailment- a head ache, an itch, and now, a sore tooth (after just getting a nearby tooth filled for a cavity a few days ago)- I look it up online and it somehow seems related to HIV, and it makes me start to diagnose myself and feel like I have the symptoms of early infection...I was warned over XMAS break that I had a few areas where cavities were at risk of developing, and I haven't changed my oral hygiene ways very much, so it could very easily be a result of that...but I feel liek I get head aches a lot....which could of course be stress, of which I've had a lot...and the itchness occasionally, I get those could be stress-related too? I was extremely sneezy too,as noted before.....
And now I've realized that my biggest risk was me topping unprotected for about 5 minutes tops....I'm circumcised so that decreases the chance a bit....but reading tonight about how the urethra is a highly efficient place for HIV to infect the body...and feeling like, despite it being only once (that I topped unprotected in addition to the couple of unprotected dips when he penetrated me very briefly), that I have a very high chance of being infected....
I manage to keep my mind off of it for periods of the day, but it keeps on creeping back to me- I'l be online and automatically come to this forum and start reading other people's stories and google random symptoms, etc....I just feel so tense....

I want to make bargains, say that if I'm negative, with this stress lifted of worrying about my status, that I'll be a new person, that I'll change, be better...I know I will certainly practice safer sex after this, but aside from that I can't say I'd change all that much, I'm sure I'll appreciate things more for  aperiod of time, and also be much more proactive about communicating when it comes to sex, etc...but really, I can't make that bargain, its just not true, and feels like I'm cheating. I did what I did, and I have to accept it at some point.

I'm so caught up! and I have no one to talk to about this, I really don't want to talk to anyone though until I know my status...I just keep on taking big breaths....

I wish one of you could tell me I was surely negative...
thanks for bearing with my whining.

You need to stop googling for answers that only an HIV test result can give you. The internet will only make you crazy in a situation like this.

I know this is stressful, but it's often helpful to fill your time with daily things. Ordinary things.

MtD

[marshmallow8]

Thanks Matty. I know I shouldn't be googling, that itll only make me crazy- but thats my point- I'm so anxious right now that despite my ability to keep my shit together enough to continue getting my schoolwork done, maintaining relationships, I feel so tense and so exhausted from worrying, or from trying not to worry....obviously I could have it worse and KNOW that I have it, but I just dont know yet..and wish someone could give me the answer.
Thanks for listening, I just need to vent a bit (A LOT) as I dont have anyone to talk to about this except my positive boyfriend- who I'm spending time away from for the first time since his diagnosis, otherwise we spend every night together.
Every time I start to really setlle in anywhere, with friends, at home now with my family, I am shocked with the reminder of the sitaution, the possibility that I have HIV....

[marshmallow8]

Just tested negative at 6 weeks. The counselor was really really great, and I'll be back in another 6 weeks for my confirmatory 3 month test. Thank you all for the support and listening to my bantering, this has been the most stressful time of my life.
Things with my boyfriend are going well otherwise, he has had bloodwork done and they are going to get back to him in 2 weeks with the results of a full STI panel, in addition to his T cell and VL count. I'm hoping for the best.
Thank you again for the service you provide, it is really wonderful to have this forum as a place to be open and to get support. The wonders of the internet are proven on this forum, despite the drawbacks of our multi-tasking absorbed lives!
I really want to get involved somehow, I've always been an activist, working for Amnesty International and running local chapters, Environmental Clubs, Queer Men's Group....but I want to be involved in the AIDS community- apart from learning many other things (SAFE MOTHERFUCKING SEX) I want to do more.
Despite being taught my entire life to be safe, having parents who said they'd drive to get me condoms if I ever didnt have them and needed (my point being that they were very open about it), hearing the horror stories from my parents about my great uncle's passing from AIDS in the 90's.....despite all of this, I took risks. This leads me to WHY?? WHY WHY WHY?
And what could society, or my family have done to get it into my head, that I need to be safe 100% of the time???
I think, despite having been taught about it in school, it was always kinda taught as something that happened in the 80's, and you just don't hear talk about it now very much, or if you do, its always spoken of as the "Other." Something about the way I was taught made me feel like it could just never be me (in addition to my big head too, I suppose); it happened to (forgive me for using the word) dirty, promiscous people, poor people, homeless people, druggies. Not a 20-something-year-old-well-to-do student.
obviously thats not true. it can happen to anyone (and it could still happen to me, i havent had my 3 month confirmation).
what do you all think is the most effective way for me to begin getting involved?? my first thought is volunteering for an ASO of course.
thanks again

[Matty the Damned]

That 6 week negative is an excellent indicator of a 12 week negative as I am sure your counsellor told you.

What can you do to help? Continuing to support your partner as he adjusts to his diagnosis is a good start. Volunteering at an ASO is another good one too.

As the partner of an HIV positive person you're permitted to participate in our Someone I Care About Has HIV which is probably the best place to discuss issues relating to your boyfriend. There you can share experiences with others in your situation and also get advice from HIV positive members who are not authorised to post here in AMI.

But you must keep your testing matters in this thread.

Keep us posted.

MtD

[marshmallow8]

Thanks for the information, I will certainly find a local ASO to work with. And if COURSE I'm going to continue to support my partner as he adjusts.
I will keep everyone updated. Thanks

[marshmallow8]

Are there any statistics about the percentage of people who seroconvert by the 6week mark? I tested negative at 6 weeks and now that the relief and joy is subsiding my anxiety is starting to creep in, reminding me I haven't reached the 3 month mark yet.
What are the chances of my negative result changing at the 3 month mark (worded poorly but you knwo what I mean)?

[marshmallow8]

Despite my best efforts, I'm still having a hard time not Googling for every itch I have.
I've been getting more acne recently than I've had since I was in middle school, which is concerning me, in addition to ingrown hairs on my face.
Is acne/folliculitis common early sign of HIV? (I know we dont speak of symptoms in here, but throw me a bone).

[Matty the Damned]

Thanks for the information, I will certainly find a local ASO to work with. And if COURSE I'm going to continue to support my partner as he adjusts.
I will keep everyone updated. Thanks

Are there any statistics about the percentage of people who seroconvert by the 6week mark? I tested negative at 6 weeks and now that the relief and joy is subsiding my anxiety is starting to creep in, reminding me I haven't reached the 3 month mark yet.
What are the chances of my negative result changing at the 3 month mark (worded poorly but you knwo what I mean)?

Despite my best efforts, I'm still having a hard time not Googling for every itch I have.
I've been getting more acne recently than I've had since I was in middle school, which is concerning me, in addition to ingrown hairs on my face.
Is acne/folliculitis common early sign of HIV? (I know we dont speak of symptoms in here, but throw me a bone).

Marsh,

Honey you need to step away from the computer. Go out and do something else. Read, jog, swim, shear alpaca -- anything.

Fill your days with productive normal life stuff. You'll be surprised how quickly the time passes.

And no, we're not going to fuel your anxieties with "statistics" and symptom bothering.

MtD

[marshmallow8]

so there are no actual statistics as to the number of those who will test positive by 6 weeks? thats my main question.
thanks for your time.

[Matty the Damned]

so there are no actual statistics as to the number of those who will test positive by 6 weeks? thats my main question.
thanks for your time.

Oh there are statistics, no doubt about that but what use are they in your personal situation?

Five-eighths of fuck all use, that's what.

Your anxieties about this are being fed by your constant search for numbers. Numbers which cannot be applied to individual cases.

It simply doesn't work that way. These sorts of numbers are relevant when we talk about groups of people.

MtD

[marshmallow8]

I"m just asking a simple questoin- I know that I might be the 5% or 10% or 40% that take the full 12 weeks to seroconvert, or whatever the statistic might be, or I might not be. That is, that statistics don't inherently imply anything about oneself one way or another- but I'm just looking for that number out of obvious interest.

I feel like I am being punished for feeling anxious. I'm not asking a long convoluted question, quite a simple one really. I don't feel like I should have to apologize for having posted in this thread a lot for example, but I just get the sense that the moderators here are just super annoyed with anyone who has questions. And it's not like I'm one of the people who shared a soda with a potentially HIV infected person and is wondering if I'm at risk (okay I've exaggerated a bit but you get my drift), I've had a real risk and I'm just trying to get some answers. I know not all my questions can necessarily be answered easily, or at all, but if there are respectable sources and research that has produced some sort of statistic, why can't I be told? I'm not googling it, I'm asking people in these forums who I trust.

As I've said before several times, I have really appreciated everyone's words and their time and support. This site is wonderful and it is a priceless service you are extending.

[Matty the Damned]

I"m just asking a simple questoin- I know that I might be the 5% or 10% or 40% that take the full 12 weeks to seroconvert, or whatever the statistic might be, or I might not be. That is, that statistics don't inherently imply anything about oneself one way or another- but I'm just looking for that number out of obvious interest.

I feel like I am being punished for feeling anxious. I'm not asking a long convoluted question, quite a simple one really. I don't feel like I should have to apologize for having posted in this thread a lot for example, but I just get the sense that the moderators here are just super annoyed with anyone who has questions. And it's not like I'm one of the people who shared a soda with a potentially HIV infected person and is wondering if I'm at risk (okay I've exaggerated a bit but you get my drift), I've had a real risk and I'm just trying to get some answers. I know not all my questions can necessarily be answered easily, or at all, but if there are respectable sources and research that has produced some sort of statistic, why can't I be told? I'm not googling it, I'm asking people in these forums who I trust.

As I've said before several times, I have really appreciated everyone's words and their time and support. This site is wonderful and it is a priceless service you are extending.

Marsh,

I'm not trying to punish you and I apologise if you took my last response that way.

Let me see if I can express myself more eloquently.

Your question might be simple but it doesn't have a simple answer. Yes there is data available; lots of it and you can get lots of different answers to your question. These numbers vary on when the study was done, where it was done, what sort of test was used and so on.

We know that almost everyone who is going to test positive will do so by 6 weeks. Only a tiny percentage take the full 12 weeks of the window period to show antibodies. Such people have other serious health conditions, such as being organ transplant recipients on immunosuppressive medications, people receiving certain sorts of cancer treatments and long term injection drug users.

The average time it takes to test positive if you've been infected is 22 days. That's a bee's dick over 3 weeks.

Our experience is that if people in your situation often obsess about these sorts of numbers and believe that more data will assuage their fears, usually the opposite happens. It just makes you worry more.

Feeding the beast if you see what I mean.

Have you had a risk? Yes. How likely is it that you will test positive? Not very likely but it could happen.

Trust me here, those are the best answers we can give you right now. The only certain answer you will receive will be given by your 12 week test result.

So please, believe me when I say the best thing you can do for yourself is to step away from the computer and do ordinary every day things. It really does help.

Regards,

MtD

[marshmallow8]

So its been a while since I posted here. Here's an update:
I tested negative at 8-9 weeks when I went in for a complete STI panel. My bf got his panel results back and he came out negative for all other stis- I was with him at his appt. He also got his VL and tcell count. His VL is 200- yes 200 and his t cell is 499. The doctor was happy with the numbers and said there's the possibility he might be an elite controller with those numbers, but only his next bloodwork can tell more, which will be in July.
I'm hoping his low VL means I'm less likely to have acquired the virus. And I'm hoping his numbers stay like this because it puts off the responsibility of daily medicine for him. This is financially a godsend, as he couldn't afford the medications without great sacrifice towards his career aspirations and more.
I'm at 10 weeks now and cant wait for my 12 week to move past this fear, its mostly subsided but still exists subconsciously I'm sure. I feel generally exhausted from dealing with this ss anyone would I suppose.

[marshmallow8]

 Also how much should I read into these numbers? Can I hope for him to be an elite controller with a 200 vl count or is it way too soon? Is this a good sign for the future, or could his vl jump hugely at any point? Like is it possible for someone with good numbers to suddenly get really really bad numbers?

[Andy Velez]

We're not going to get into any kind of numbers and percentages game with you. You need to keep this simple. Really.

Given your previous negative results I certainly expect you to continue to test negative.

Of course it's a good thing for your bf's vl count to be low. It seems as if his doctor is staying on top of the situation. Having a good working partnership with his doctor is one of the best ways for your guy's health to be protected.

You need to make a real effort to chill. Don't confuse being caring and concerned with trying to run the show and getting obsessive about details. Your bf is not going to suddenly fall through some black hole of health. He's doing ok and you will too if you ease up some. Really.

[marshmallow8]

Why the condescending, irritated tone? I thought the purpose of this board was to inform people and help support those who don't have support/others to talk to. I ask about his numbers and all not to be trying to run anyones show or to be obsessive. Its because I have no one to really ask about this. I'm mostly wanting to talk about my experience, and yes I can and will find real world peeps with whom to talk when the time comes, but cant I be curious and ask questions and want to know what can be read by those numbers? I'm not playing amy number game, and I don't like being treated with the attitude that I'm some other ignorant person needing to be told what's up.

I'm trying to be okay about this difficult situation and I don't need you criticizing me.

[Ann]

Marsh,

Chill out. If Andy wanted to be condescending towards or irritated with you, believe me you'd know about it. He was being helpful whether or not you realise it. We've seen enough people in your position to be able to give exactly the advice he gave you. You'd do well to take it on board - and I'm not being condescending either, that's just the truth of it. We are trying to help you here whether you can see it or not.

I also fully expect you to continue to test negative and that is not based on your partner's numbers, but on your own testing history so far. Regardless of your partner's numbers, you two need to keep using condoms in order to protect your negative status. Do that and there's no doubt in my mind you'll continue to test negative for the duration of your relationship. It's that simple.

Yes, it is possible that your partner is a long-term non-progressor (LTNP) or an elite controller and yes, it's too soon to be sure. That cannot really be determined for a few years yet (in the absence of some expensive gene testing, which your bf is unlikely to be able to have done). Hiv is a waiting game whether you're testing for it or actually living with it. This is not the forum for that discussion (your partner's situation), so that's all I'll say about it here.

Ann

[marshmallow8]

Negative at three months. I can breath again. Thank you for listening and the information, I had no one to talk to and this was the only place I could really express myself fully...
I told my mother about the situation, and she was a lot more supportive than I thought she would be, I thought she would just freak out. She did cry a lot though for my boyfriend, and does not want me being sexual with him obviously I am twenty two and can make my own decisions, but I have felt weird sexually with my boyfriend..at first we tried to pretend nothing had changed, i continued giving him head and I topped him with condoms a few times...but now that I know I'm negative, I feel paranoid about even the smallest theoretical risk', which I guess is my own problem....but now for the first time since all this began, I am thinking about wanting to run from the entire situation, namely, to end things with my bf. This whole situation has taken up all my energy and stress, and I feel like I've lost touch with myself, with my art/music practice, and generally just feel stressed still and don't feel like doing anything now that schools ended, I just want to hang out and relax and smoke weed. I'm keeping up with obligations, but I just feel so tired of everything, I think this whole situation freaked me out about life in general, and it feels like I just want to retreat from life, take a break....
I just feel terrible...I needed my bf so much while I was going through those three months waiting....and now that I know I am in the cl,ear, I'm thinking of leaving him, when he has absolutely no support network aside from me...and I think that's part of it- he doesnt want to open up to anyone about it, and says he doesn't need anyone, which leaves me feeling responsible for him entirely...and aside from this, he has no financial support and can't find a summer job, which i think has a big part to do with his dyslexia, which was never treated at all growing up, leaving him with awful awful spelling and writing and reading skills...so his job applications look like a kindergartener filled them out....so then I try to fill them out for him to help....which I say i don't mind, but then I do wind up feeling stressed about it...and I've had to write his cover letters for internships....I'm trying to set him up with a remedial writing course of dyslexia Tudor, or something....but I just feel responsible for so much, even if he says I'm not.....because I care about him and when i see him struggle I will help regardless....but I just want a break....from everything, i feel so overstimulated and burnt out....